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Barbelith #500

 
  

Page: 123(4)

 
 
MJ-12
20:38 / 24.11.03
Oh, the humanity!
 
 
Murray Hamhandler
20:43 / 24.11.03

FLUX! TAKE MY HAND!!! TAKE MY...!!!


NOOOO! IT CAN'T BE!
 
 
I'm Rick Jones, bitch
20:45 / 24.11.03
CRY NOT DERIC GENERIC

IT IS I, EDDIE WILLIS, REBORN ANEW THROUGH THE SHATTERED HUSK OF RADIATOR. I DIED OF MY GRENADE WOUNDS BUT WAS REBORN IN THE HATRIX THROUGH THE MIRACLE OF PLOT DEVICE.

THOUGH FLUX HAS GONE, HIS SACRIFICE ALLOWED THE HATRIX TO BE RELOADED AND NOW THERE IS PEACE BETWEEN HATTA AND LITHER. THE BOARD HAS REOPENED AND THOSE THAT CHOOSE SO CAN EXIT THE HATRIX AND ENTER BARBELITH.

(BOY IT'S SORT OF LIKE THE END OF MATRIX REVOLUTIONS WHICH I GUESS IN TURN WAS "INSPIRED" BY MONA LISA OVERDRIVE)

IT IS TIME FOR CELEBRATION:

 
 
8===>Q: alyn
21:26 / 24.11.03
Wow. Bet you didn't see that coming.

Just as the Flux essence was dissolving into the Barbelith code matrix data stream anti-virus webspider, I got a message from my bookie-cum-legal counsel, Rosario Dawson, Esq (no relation to the popular Latina actress). Turns out, between my winnings in the New Jersey Fight Club and my inheritance as KillRoy's only surviving relatives, I'm worth just under $6 billion! Sweet!

So, I think what I'll do is set aside a couple of mil in a negotiable trust for the care and maintenance and paying of mercenaries and hackers and bribes to keep Barbelith up and running for the rest of our natural lives... and while I'm at it, I'll throw in a stipend for all Barbelith posters to the tune of, oh, I dunno, a grand a week. What the hell.

Hey, Rosario says a new chicken and waffle joint opened up in Port Jeff. Who wants to check it out?

My treat!

Ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaa!

FREEZEFRAME



ROLL CREDITS



BRUCE WILLIS as FLUX


HALEY JOEL OSMENT as EDDIE WILLIS / JODIE FOSTER as THEO


DANIEL DAY LEWIS as TODD


GARY OLDMAN as QALYN


BRANDY as MERLINE / DE LA SOUL as ALL THOSE OTHER FAKE PEOPLE


LIBERACE as BIO K9 / SIR ELTON JOHN as DERICGENERIC


BILLY JOEL as PERSEPHONE

T-BOZ as BENGALI / CHILI as TRYPHENA


WILL FARREL as FLYBOY


HALLE BERRY as BITCHIEKITTIE


CHRIS KATAN as QALYN


A BANANA as NICK / A ROCKETSHIP as TOM COATES


A SKYSCRAPER as HAUS


ERIC CARTMAN as TOKSIK


A RUBBER DUCK as QALYN


A GRAIN OF RICE as MJ-12


A SANDWICH as SUEDEHEAD


PHIL SPECTOR WITH GEORGE HARRISON as RIZLA


RUSSEL CROWE as KEGBOY


CATHERINE ZETA JONES as MAY TRIX


BILLY BOB THORNTON as BEAR


SOME CHEESY MANGA as XOC



TRON as FLUX MATRIX / SARK as RADIATOR


MASTER CONTROL PROGRAM as BARBELITH


AND INTRODUCING:



VICE PRESIDENT AL GORE as KILLROY and OPRAH WINFREY as THE APPLEPICKER

le fin...





......or is it?
 
 
Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!
21:29 / 24.11.03
Dude! I was totally hiding.

Anyone wanna fry some 'dogs on these burning corpses with me?
 
 
Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!
21:35 / 24.11.03
I was a sandwich all along?
 
 
bio k9
22:17 / 24.11.03
 
 
bitchiekittie
00:47 / 25.11.03
bio, dude, get a room
 
 
Tryphena Absent
08:36 / 25.11.03
I sang such classics as 'Red Light Special' and alas my lovely friend Lisa died tragically. Now that Flux is gone I feel there is so much tragedy in my life.
 
 
whisperingfist
08:52 / 25.11.03
hi all,

Remember me? I kind of posted a few pages ago. Anyways, I just realised I wasn't having any vivid and prophetic dreams at all, I was actually staying up all night watching retro wrestling hour. I think I must have got Bio k9 confused with Jake "the Snake" Roberts again, and of course when I said "sleeper hold" I obviously meant "crazylove"... I mean "DDT"" silly!

However, on the plus side I have found a really long pencil. Actually that's not really true either. It's one of those pencils with the button on top that you click, only with this one the lead stays exactly the same length and everything else in the world gets shorter.

I'm gonna start clicking right now, with any luck you should all be outside my front door by next week.
 
 
Tryphena Absent
10:12 / 25.11.03
Me and Dennis are moving in together with the kids. I'm a bit worried about his influence on Eddie. Russell's around a lot and he's done a fair bit of jail time and I think I'd really be letting Flux down if his kid turned out to be a criminal. Theo's already been led in to a world of computer crime and fraud but we're working on that. At least she seems to know she's a girl these days. I suspect she might turn out to be a lesbian. That would be cool. I've started taking her to lesbian bars.

Qalyn keeps trying to take Eddie out for the day but everytime he comes within 10 feet of him the boy gets a gushing nosebleed even if he doesn't know he's there. I can only assume that he's allergic. Eddie doesn't like me but he really likes Russell and Dennis and he's does whatever they say and dresses like them. He keeps saying Wu, actually he doesn't speak since Flux... gave himself up so it's quite amazing to hear him say anything at all. I don't have a clue what it means.

Anyway, Flux, I hope you rest in peace, I bring the kids over to your gravestone once every few days to bring flowers. We weren't sure which you liked so we stuck to lillies. Eddie keeps getting the pollen all down himself. No offence but your son's a bit stupid.

 
 
Regrettable Juvenilia
10:45 / 25.11.03
I can barely type for sorrow and anguish. Flux is dead, and it's all my fault. He was better than all of us. Certainly better than you, Qalyn - do you think it's fucking funny posting photos of phalli with people's name underneath? Yeah, I'm talking about that cock Will Pharrell. I hated him in Daredevil and I hate you.

But this is no time for anger and resentment. This is a time for us to come together and mourn - no, not mourn - to celebrate the life of one of our own.

I am composing a eulogy in verse form, which I will be performing at the official funeral ceremony together with Russell Jones, Jermaine Jnr and Sting (tickets are $1000 a place), and a recorded version will be released as a single in time for Christmas. All profits will go to the Flux Equals Foundation For Children Who Can't Read Good.

Here is a sneak preview:

[Intro:]
Stop all the glocks,
Turn off your mobile phones.
Prevent MY DAWGS from barking
With some juicy bones.
(Mad props to Russell Jones.)

Seems like yesterday we used to rock the show
I posted PICS, you posted some mo'
So far from hangin' on the block for dough
F-L-U-X, they got to know that
Life ain't always what it seem to be (uh-uh)
Words can't express what you mean to me
Even though you're gone, we still a team
Through your family, I'll fulfill your dream (that's right)
But fuck it Flux, you living your life, though your loved ones
Peace to your daughter and your adopted son
It used to be fun, dissing records to see your response
But now competition is none, now that you're gone
And these 'Lithers is wrong - using your name in vain
And they claim to be New York's king? It ain't about that.
Don't worry about Brooklyn I continue to flame
Therefore a world with amnesia won't forget your name
Your death was a tragedy, let me take the blame
And just like your spirit the JOYCORE remains...

I wonder what the Commodores went through on tour?
Did Smokey Robinson, have to shoot his way out a war?
What has Al Green seen, that made him religious?
They were all great men but Jermaine Jnr is more prestigious.



That's all I have so far. There's also going to be this whole bit about war. And some cowbells.
 
 
Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!
11:32 / 25.11.03
Fly, that's beautiful. I haven't fully commented on this, because... dammit... I just don't know what to say. Qalyn's sandwich put me off, I couldn't think what I really wnated to say. What I need to say. This date will go down in the history books. Flux is a hero. I will make certain this is the subject of many documentaries in the years to come "where were you when Flux laid down his life". Everybody knows, nobody forgets something like that.

Now I can truly feel my sorrow, thanks to you Fly. I can't avoid it any longer.

I hope you see fitting to include my guest verse:

Seems like yesterday we used to rock online
With all your cutting comments, that used to shine
An' I remember callin' you, for reasons unknown
F-l-u-x mcgraw


Today I see your kids playing on the see-saw,
Eddie drops his drawers
But I can't help him look for them no more,
Cos I'm too sad,
But I'm not mad,
In fact I'm glad,
You lay down ya life to make a better one,
for me and you, and all the hom-ies,
You're a hero,
dead and done,
Didn't need a gun,
It's just a pity you're so long gone.
(Uh-huh)
It's just a pity you're dead and gone


Ah fuck it! It just ain't right for you to be..
Those tricky mobsters be killin' ya, be stealin' ya
Life, from me and Fly, and all the fly guys,
And I'm not shy, when I fly in to this rhyme,
All about you, and the life you decline
To live, in the face of war
Hardcore,
Mobsters, on our ass
Flux comes along, shatters the code matrix like glass
Uh-uh,
Look, there's a radiator
Been tail gaitin' ya
He's a hungry aligator,
Nah, fuck that,
He's a hungry hippo,
All he is is like a blip - OH!
Ya ain't got shit - OH!
I'm gonna kick YO!


All I feel is for my man Flux,
Who didn't duck out, and whose friends said "Shucks",
This one goes out to ya!
We'll make sure your kids got mad bucks.
 
 
The Apple-Picker
13:02 / 25.11.03
Flux meant a lot to me. I will miss him so much.

I would like to honor his memory by providing Rice Krispy Treats and no-bake cookies for your dressing rooms, Johnny and Fly.
 
 
rizla mission
13:19 / 25.11.03
Christmas No.1 with a bullet!

No.1s and bullets having something me an' George are all too familiar with.
 
 
bio k9
04:00 / 26.11.03
I'm selling limited edition FLUX=DEAD T shirts and an uncensored XXX sex tape (HardcoreJoy Volume 1) on my website.

What? I gotta eat too, ya know.
 
 
HCE
02:51 / 15.09.06
But what is this? A rumbling in the moist earth of the cemetary. A fissure in the cool, bright grass. What peeks out, dark with soil?
 
 
Murray Hamhandler
13:00 / 16.09.06
There have been occasional whispers of late, voicing the same seemingly-impossible rumor. I'll keep my ear to the ground and report back with my findings. But it definitely seems that something (or...someone?) is on its way back to us.
 
  

Page: 123(4)

 
  
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