In the 3hr biopic of my life I'm going to be played by several incredibly famous actors (one for all the different Saveloys from birth to death) but it will be filmed in such a way that the audience can't see or hear who it is - just like the 'Guess Who it Is' round on Question of Sport. Whenever they appear on screen there'll always be something in front of their face, or they'll be filmed from some bizarre angle or in extreme close up. To prevent their voice giving them away they'll have to have a permanent cold or speak in a silly voice, or have their dialogue obscured by train noises.
The last actor will, however, be revealed in the final scene - the funeral service in St Paul's Cathedral. Just as the coffin is being carted up the aisle and the audience is thinking "well, that's put the tin lid on it", the bearers slip up, the coffin falls, the lid comes off, the body rolls out across the floor and hits the font. You get a full second of the actor's face before the body explodes in a ball of flame and the last 20 minutes of the film is the fire brigade trying to put it out. |
