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Big, Big Life Changes

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08:38 / 19.08.02

Not for the first time, a big, big life change is hoving into view. I've been going on about it for ages, but now the van is booked - I'm definately leaving London. In ten weeks' time. Coming out was like stepping off a cliff edge, or rather, a leap of faith; I had to do it, unsure as I was of how family, friends and workmates (ho ho) reacted. Family was great, most of my friends disappeared but I got new and better ones and most of my workmates won't touch me with a bargepole. Still the right thing to do, though.

I have to leave London. The general and ridiculous stress of trying to travel the shortest distance, the dirt, noise, hostility, the woman I hoped to be with forever, it's all contributing to me feeling closed in, off kilter and just not happy in my current environment. I've been here for 35 years and after a couple of trips to Cornwall I realised this was the place I'd been looking for. I'll be trying to find alternatives to normal work - the need to write and the amount of stories I have wanting to get onto paper is just burning me up now - and I'll be tearing around the county on the scooter I intend buying and paying homage to the sacred sites.

The downside is, of course, a handful of people in the capital who it will be heart-rippingly sad to leave. I'm a little scared, I must admit - it could be a massive mistake. And I've never lived in a little village before. I'm aware of having to slow down to adjust, but if anyone has done this kind of thing and can offer advice, I'd be grateful to hear.

I'll be having a small do nearer the time, I expect, so I hope some of you can come and get drunk and emotional with me.

08:49 / 19.08.02

I've done it twice but never the way you're talking about, SFD; I've moved to bigger cities. I can still clearly recall the feeling of stepping off a precipice - particularly with the move to London last October, the memory of which is still almost painfully vivid.

There's a weird, giddy exhilaration mixed with stomach-churning nausea and yes, fear. The worst time, for me, was the actual parting and the days that followed, when my every fibre missed ZoCher and screamed 'mistake! stupid! wrong!'. That gradually receded and the excitement and novelty of being in a new place surrounded by new people (none of whom had ever met me, and with whom I could be whoever I wanted) took over.

For me the anonymity was a big buzz; for you, it'll be different. I'd imagine you'll do just fine, though - I particularly like the image of you tearing up those Cornish by-roads on your scooter. Say hello to the village people from me, won't you?

Oh yeah, and this just has to be the excuse for a massive Barbe-party...

The Return Of Rothkoid

11:19 / 19.08.02

I can heartily second Ganesh's ruminations on the leaving people part of the spectrum, and also about feeling like you've made the biggest mistake; it's that loss of familiarity - whether liked or disliked, in terms of routine - that's the most odd thing.

Since moving back to Sydney - which is indeed a quieter place than London, in most respects - I've found I have to try and stop myself from thinking so much. That is, to stop worrying and planning and trying to get shit right so much; that's something I haven't quite managed yet: the level of stimulus ain't matching the level of upstairs activity as yet, and I find it a bit distressing. I imagine the same thing'll happen, kinda, when you shift - but if you're gradually leading up to it (as opposed to other methods of departure) you'll probably be better able to adjust to things.

And yes, it's terrifying. Probably moreso than anyone ever admits to themselves before getting to that point where you're physically leaving. If you can minimise the effect of that, I think you'll be aces.

And now you're getting the scooter, you can do that SFD ZOOM! thing that I've always thought would rock. And I'm pissed off about not being able to be there for your party; or for London/Cornwall in general.

11:46 / 19.08.02

Wow. I completely missed the opportunity to make the 'village people' joke. I can't believe it!

Whenever I've been away from London for a while, and come home, either by train or endlessly circling the city in the air, queuing to land, I'm always shocked at how damn big London is - someone moving here from just about anywhere must feel quite overwhelmed. I very nearly left London several years back, for Brighton, but I had hassle from people every time I went down there, and it didn't feel like it was going to work out. This time, I'm sure, and of course I have the anchor of my family being there. I've been checking out queer life down there for some time - much as I have no real interest in 'the scene' I will want some queer company from time to time, just so that I don't feel completely isolated. But much of the transition is already in progress - a need for solitude, space, peace and quiet, spiritual development. I will try not to get as drunk in charge of my scooter as I used to when riding my bike - waking up one morning with a massive bruise on my ribs and only then remembering the car I hit (and the side mirror I broke off) was Not Very Grown Up.

Ganesh - your situation is closer to mine, in that you wanted to move, but found it a wrench in some ways. Obviously it's easier (though of course not easy) to do it this way - the manner of Rothkoid's departure was painful, even from this distance - and I've had to say goodbye to others who've left the city, more times than I care to remember. Selfishly, I hate it when others leave; it hurts to see people go.

I think I do need to make a list of places to go before I leave, I don't want to regret not having enjoyed the parts of London that I do love very much - arty/cultural (British Museum, a walk around the City on a Saturday), nerdy (Thames Barrier, London Underground shop) and completely embarrassing to admit to (Stratford bus station). And Miss Demeanour - I must see the Diva of Dalston once more....

12:00 / 19.08.02

I have a feeling that where I'm moving to in the US may well be quieter than I'm used to, particularly considering that anywhere you don't know the people or the set-up can feel quieter. I'm not going to be living in Philadelphia initially, after all, I'm going to be in the suburbs I expect or some

And, you know, that worries me. Getting the energy and motivation together to leave a country to go and start a new life and be with someone new and do something new(ish), particularly from a starting point of long-term depression, means that I've basically reprogrammed myself with a "Change Good! Stagnation Bad!" attitude. I'm now scared shitless that I'm going to go over there and be unsatisfied with where I am and what I'm doing, or I'm going to get locked into a contract that brings back the miserable trapped feeling I've been having. Can't deal with that shit no more, and I'm ever so determined never to go there again.

It's a bit of a problem, differentiating between stagnation and stability, and I don't have to look very far to see that it's not just me that has the problem... compulsive change-seekers flitting from shitty place to shitty place, afraid to settle because that's like dying, stagnating stability-seekers accepting more and more conformity and boredom so that they can have at least some things in life they can rely on.

12:13 / 19.08.02

Wondered what your thoughts on this would be, Fridgey. I've known people who are often on the move and my experience is that they, not where they live, are the problem. I've done it myself to a lesser extent - ran 3000 miles to realise that I couldn't get away from me. So change is not always good. I think you've every reason to feel optimistic, actually. I think it'll work out well, but if the worst comes to the worst, you've at least gone for it and tried. And perhaps a work contract can be looked on as security, rather than a ball and chain - once you're settled (for want of a better word), another job can be found.

I've moved eight times in just under 9 years - not through choice, most of them. I'd be more than happy to finally find a place I could call home.

12:13 / 19.08.02

I moved to New Zealand to live, selling everything I owned except what would fit in a trunk. And then six years later I made the even harder decision (because I had a more settled life and just much more stuff to give up) to move back. I don't regret either decision but both were very hard.
New places are lonely, inevitably, but one day you wake up and realise you've made a whole new life and new friends. It can take a while but as long as you're aware of that, you'll get through it. Eventually the lonely bits fade and you end up busy and settled.
You'll be fine, both SFD and Fridge - you're very brave to make the decision to go, so just keep that courage in reserve and pull it out on the "down" days.

13:46 / 19.08.02

I completely agree with Ariadne, it takes guts. And if "the worst comes to the worst" you'll have learned a lot with the experience.
But I think you both are gonna have a great time, and you know you can count on Barbelith's positive vibes, right?

13:50 / 19.08.02

I have lived in Edinburgh for twenty eight of my forty six years. In the last sixteen years, I have lived in only two different houses, 200m apart. I was born about a mile from here. My parents have lived less than twenty miles from here all their lives. I have worked a twenty minute walk away for most of the past sixteen years. CHANGE, time for, yes! Fresh fields and pastures groovy.

I so need to move to London! Even if it is a filthy hellhole, it's a huge hellhole with masses of new things, places and people to keep me amused. & it must be soon so I'm in time to meet and get pissed with my favourite short fat dyke before she becomes a creature from a duMaurier novel. Last night I dreamt I went to the lesbian commune at Manderley again... Mrs Danvers so-o-o wants me!

So back to reality. I am scared to death and the panic's building but what the Hell. As my philosopher-Dad would point out: when you're not worried about what's coming next, you'll already dead. We can all hold hands and jump together, if you like...

14:11 / 19.08.02

Last night I dreamt I went to the lesbian commune at Manderley again... Mrs Danvers so-o-o wants me!
ZoCher, how about starting a Lord of the Rimmings-style duMaurier slash site in honour of sfd? It'd be fantastic!

Good luck to all who are moving...you'll all be cool, I'm sure.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

20:35 / 19.08.02

sfd: Whilst I respect and fully support your lifestyle choices, and validate your need for an environment which will assist rather than stifle your creativity, I'm still going to sulk if you leave London before I do.

Sulk, and kick things.

pointless and uncalled for

20:43 / 19.08.02

sfd, on the running away part. I have been, on certain levels, pleased to find me having run 4000 miles from the home sweet home of London. Changing country really does teach you about taking things for granted though.

Sadly I am about to become a big fat cliche and return.

The worst thing, I've spent nearly four years missing friends and now it's going to start all over again.

Dumbass - party of one.

08:04 / 20.08.02

Cholister et al, help me tell the story of what sfd did next, in The Creation...

The Road to Manderley

09:30 / 20.08.02

You kick arse, ZoCher... I'll try and add to your duMaurierly splendour at some point (but it's my birthday, and I'll procrastinate if I want to).

09:34 / 20.08.02

That's brilliant, ZoCher. And happy birthday Cholister!

09:37 / 20.08.02

[threadrot]Danke, Ariadne

[/threadrot]

Now I return you to your scheduled thread.

10:00 / 20.08.02

Very interesting: so there's at least two folks moving to London at the same time two move out. Big changes for all, but in different ways. I admit to sneering quite openly when I looked at the schoolkids from my year who had registered on Friends Reunited - most of them had never left the mind-crushingly dull area we all grew up in. It would've been different if they'd been elsewhere and had made a positive choice to go back to where they'd been brought up, but it didn't appear to have occurred to them that they had the whole world to choose from. Btw, I do want to get involved in village life to some degree, probably on an environmental level - there's beaches that always need cleaning. And I can pick up driftwood while I'm at it!

ZoCher - your thread in the Creation is marvellous! Am indeed intrigued to know what I do next. I would hope to meet you and Special Boy Potus before I depart.

I can threadrot my own thread can't I? Whatever - a great, big, Happy Birthday to Cholister. Can't even remember being your age, you young whippersnapper.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

11:27 / 20.08.02

Well done, sfd- though it looks like Stokey's soon gonna run out of 'lithers! Party very definitely in order, methinks. Congrats on the bike too, (should get my car in the next week or so- fuck, watch out pedestrians!) and happy birthday chol.

So yeah. Pissup. When?

14:16 / 20.08.02

Did you ever know that you were such a muse, sfd? (Psssst... "smash" is progressing very nicely, you will love your thews!!)

And a very big happy birthday to Cholister!

11:05 / 21.08.02

Belatedly, I'll echo that.

A very big happy birthday to Cholister!

And the move to a writerly life in Cornwall sounds good to me, sfd. I imagine you working at your desk each day until about 2pm, and then zooming off on your bike, exploring, for the rest of the afternoon.

09:43 / 22.08.02

Hmm. Looks like a drinkie's definately on the cards, then, for goodbyes and welcomes.

After a more dismal than usual evening in Clapton last night, any whaddami doing? thoughts I might have had have disappeared. A road cordoned off by police (another shooting?) and then an attempt to go to the cinema nearly foiled by violence - one man determined to fight another at the bus stop, me and Cholister having to move out of the line of fire and then well away from the vicinity to avoid being hit by the tin of food he was chucking around at full force. Violence happens just about everywhere, of course, but there is such bad energy in that particular area - the feeling hangs in the air.

Cavatina - you're not far wrong, though I intend doing a lot of walking and sitting on my own on the beach. Also as a very long term project I really, really want to write a book on Rowena Cade and her wonderful creation, the Minack Theatre. In between wheelie-ing along the clifftops.

11:05 / 22.08.02

It's always good to be reminded of the reasons why you're leaving, just to kill off any last minute doubts. I myself am considering holding my work leaving do in one of the joyless chain bars in the Essex town that I work in, as is traditional here. There's one venue that's even remotely close to "good", and I'll avoid that, so that I can have a thoroughly miserable evening.

Alternatively I might set it all up, then claim to be sick at the last minute and just go home and watch eastenders.

19:34 / 15.10.02

Dug this thread up because a lot of the folk here who were planning to move have moved, and I'm off next week. After a major freak out last week I'm feeling much more relaxed, but it's a huge thing. I've learned a lot in the last nine weeks, when I created this thread - mostly, that leaving the people I care about is going to rip quite a hole in my life, more than I realised. I'm used to being alone - spend nearly all my time in my own company - but in London, of course, one is always surrounded by people. Very soon I will be not just alone, but quite isolated. It will take quite a bit of getting used to.

I've made a mental list of stuff to do soon after I get there: Hallowe'en in the local cemetary, a most beautiful place that overlooks the ocean. Joining the Cornish Earth Mysteries Group. Starting my driftwood art stuff. Finding some queer folk to hang around with. Buying a scooter and learning to ride.

Everyone else seems to be doing alright after their moves. Great stuff, I am looking forward to mine. But by Christ I'm scared.

20:11 / 15.10.02

Ooh, interesting. In the end I completely avoided having an Essex night out. Organised an evening with someone else who was moving back to NZ, not realising the nearest tube had been shut down, and that the place itself was closed anyway, and that not many people would turn up. Actually, only the cool people turned up and I was introduced to the Death Shandy (lager + Smirnoff Ice) which, can I say, you should never have more than two of. Seriously. Not joking here.

Anyway, here now, although not actually where I'm going to be staying since I can't commute from Baltimore to Philadelphia really.

Can I say that I think you're very sensible in deliberately organising "meet people and do stuff" opportunities as early as possible. Make sure you do those things you're planning soon after arriving, though, or you might go into a slump as soon as you get a chance to breath - I hope I'm not going there but it would be easy.

The few days around actually moving were a complete nightmare, probably the most stressful I've experienced, and I guess you're there right now, but it settled down quite quickly afterwards, which is not much of a help I know....

00:09 / 16.10.02

Fridge: surely turbo shandy?

The Return Of Rothkoid

01:10 / 16.10.02

Why not turbot shandy?

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

08:55 / 16.10.02

I'll offer you the same advice I gave Mordant and Lurid- of course you're freaked out at the prospect NOW. While it's happening you'll be stressed but too busy to be scared, and before you know it you'll have already done it. And all will be well.

07:00 / 28.10.02

Blatant abuse of this thread here, just to say that it's beautiful down here but I'm having modem trouble, big time - anyone expecting messages or stuff from me, please hang on! Trying to sort it out asap.

16:37 / 18.02.03

Well, no one ever said it was gonna be easy.

I wondered how the other big movers were getting along. It's a selfish excuse to say that I love where I am and am slowly making friends, I've had a great, creative day but this is one of those times where I feel such a huge sense of isolation from the people that I care about most - the people I voluntarily moved hundreds of fucking miles away from - that it's physically painful. Ack. Any tips on how to deal with a crash like this? Maybe I just need to get on the phone....

Tryphena Absent

17:29 / 18.02.03

How long's it been since you last visited anybody- or since they visited you? The phone's such a poor substitute but maybe you can use it to convince people to drop in for a few days??

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

18:56 / 18.02.03

Hang on in there... it's bound to happen every now and then. It'd be weird if it didn't. And yeah... getting on the phone helps a lot in such times.

Wrong thread, I know, but huggles anyway.

19:29 / 18.02.03

I feel such a huge sense of isolation from the people that I care about most

Well, you're currently present enough to piss me off as per bloody usual, ya bitch.

The Return Of Rothkoid

22:40 / 18.02.03

Well, I'm still going through the big moves thing. Am in my new flat and it's sort of coming together (will get round to the housewarming thread soon, I promise!) but I still feel very far away from lots of people that I care about. Which sucks massively. I'm hoping that I'll be forced into sociability by the place where I am, but I dunno. Sigh. We'll see.

So yeah. Very uncertain about things. Other people have made me feel a bit better about myself and things, and to a certain extent, I've started to accept that some of what's happened to me in the past year was not my fault, and moreover, there's nothing I could do about them. But it doesn't help things, really.

22:54 / 18.02.03

Well, me and Mordant are getting ready to move again in a month or so. The impermanence here has been the worst, in my view. Though its not been a bed of roses all in all. Its lonely sometimes, sure, but we have a whole big new scare to worry about. Stoatie's wisdom still applies though.

23:48 / 18.02.03

I still haven't got any furniture, apart from a chair, a keyboard and something to put my monitor on.

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