| |
|
Scotland. Duntocher. Seriously. I grew up there (English parents though, so forever a Sassenach), and it's only on returning with an English accent and English friends ten years later that I've really noticed the characteristics I've mentioned above, and which I wondered if anyone else had noticed.
Now then; I do hope all our little chats in the conversation aren't going to be this granite-faced. Here's some light-hearted comments made about Scotland on that marvellous Idler website. Hah! Hoh!
(No doubt they're all secretly English neo-nazi cultural imperialists, mind you...)
http://www.idler.co.uk/
Crap Town/Village: Stonehaven
Stonehaven is apparently a picturesque old fishing village 15 miles south of the oil capital of Europe, Aberdeen. It is in fact a grotty cesspit infested with seagulls and seagull shit.
Stonehaven is the worst type of Scottish town, full of the 21st Century type of caveman, a drinking, fighting, takeaway eating, womanising, craptacular asshole. It may be useful at this point to point out that Stonehaven was once in the Guiness Book of Records as the town with the most pubs per head of population. In Stonehaven this is something to be proud of. Worst health in Europe? Us?
Stonehaven is a breeding ground for every pathetic little prejudice going: racism, bigotry, sexism, homophobia. You name it, Stonehaven's proud of it. Please print this to let all know of this vile little haven of all that is wrong with Scotland.
Malcolm Petrie
Town/Village: Cumbernauld
Cumbernauld has been crowned Scotland's most dismal town in the competition no area wanted to win. The Lanarkshire town scooped the Plook on the Plinth honour in the annual Carbuncle Awards. Cumbernauld was one of six contenders and beat off competition from ski resort Aviemore, popular wedding location Gretna Green, and Edinburgh's Haymarket Station. See http://www.thecarbuncles.com/
It is a run-down new town with the fun of 1960s concrete innovation and the joy of Thatcherite neglect - and getting worse. It's grey, grim, redundant, aggressive, soulless. The town of 150,000 boasts a half demolished centre (which has been that way for 3 years) that closes after 10.30pm stopping people from crossing from one side to the next and from meeeting up. It has no civic square, the police regularly hunt young people from the streets into tunnels, there are no activites apart from lawn bowls and a swimming pool (the ten pin bowling and ice rink were closed down), only two nightclubs that regularly host bottle tossing contests and streets and areas that are so dangerous and run down, badgers won't go there.
Gary Hayes
GARY HAYES DEFENDED!
I feel that Mr Hayes has described Cumbernauld perfectly. Being a resident for most of my young life, I was growing up in the town when it was looking promising and was a place full of potential adventures, but maybe that was just because I was a kid.
Rumour has it that the half demolished town centre was a backdrop in the film 'Black Hawk Down' but I don't believe it. When I used to look out of my window at night it resembled nightfall in the Charlton Heston flick 'Omega Man' and I always expected to see him speed down the road trying to get home before sundown.
Although in this case it's neds that walked the streets...which is a hell of a lot more scary. When a teenager's stature is measured by the angle that he wears his baseball cap then you know something is wrong.
I remember when there were rumours that a Marks and Spencer store was going to open...it was as if the Messiah had returned. This of course was all bollocks and people were once again disappointed. Then the new Asda opened and I even found myself going to Asda at times because there was nothing else to do. You know it's bad when Asda becomes a local nightspot.
It seems a long time ago when 'Gregory's Girl' was filmed and they lay on the grass in the last scene and danced away laughing. Such innocent times! If that happened today Gregory's face would have been ripped open with a broken bottle from ear to ear by a gang of neds who drink in the park, and Claire Grogan would be screaming in fear while getting molested as Gregory walks around dazed, as blood pisses from his face.
Vinnie Brownlow
Crap Town/Village: Airdrie
Situated in the heart of post-Industrial Lanarkshire Airdrie is famous for two things: Alchohol consumption and football hooligans.
The drink of Airdrie is Buckfast, a 12% proof tonic wine created in Devon by the Monks of Buckfast abbey. When Local MP Helen Liddell campaigned against it, its sale rocketed by 200%. Airdrie now, along with neighbours Coatbridge, accounts for 80% of worldwide Buckfast sales.
Airdrie's sport is football hooliganism, with the notorious Section B. You may remember that minor league Scottish game when the supporters of a club about to go out of business came on the park, broke the crossbar and had the game abandoned. That was the Section B.
For nightlife you cant beat Airdrie's premier ‘Nite Klub’ (sic) the "Double A". With only fluorescent lights (no other ones) and flashing dance floor, รก la Saturday Night Fever, the phrase "Day-Glo Hell" is often thrown in its direction. But local residents are undeterred by this and will be more than happy to help you fit in with the clubs "three scar minimum" dress code.
Culture in Airdrie is colourful to say the least - if by colourful you mean Orange. With the biggest ever Orange Order march held here a few years ago, many a summer evening is filled with the sound of flutes screeching some sectarian ditty. I tend to stay in those weekends. (The Catholics have their Hibs walks as well, just change the sentiment above to Green and you get the idea. I stay in on those weekends as well).
Nothing delights me more than meeting people from new places and have them rip the piss out of me because I come from Airdrie. Nothing delights me more whenever I order a pint and people say "Is that Buckfast or Lager HahAh!".
And how I delight when my boss says "I told my boyfreind you were from
Airdrie, he said to tell you the Section B are a bunch of wanks"
Airdie, crap town.
‘Van_Noir’
To defend Airdrie, or nominate your own crap town, send us an email |
|
|
