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A hundred other uses for Lime Shower Gel

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We're The Great Old Ones Now

11:33 / 18.07.02

1. World Peace. The consensus on the delciousness of LSG creates a broad common ground on hygene, which blends into health and social issues. Before long, the Middle East Lime Conference has stabilised the situation in Jerusalem, and China has announced a joint perfume project with Taiwan.

2. Automotive lubricant. Specially designed cars use LSG instead of oil, making them smell nicer and run smoother; also, in the event of a crash, there's a handy supply of antiseptic to hand.

11:47 / 18.07.02

3.) Donut filling - While the consensus seems to be that something resembling "raspberry" in the ideal filling for a powdered donut, the tartness of lime shower gel can create a delightful counterpoint to the sweetness of confectioner's sugar. Additionally, one can rid one's mouth of harmful micro-organisms, provided the anti-bacterial variant of LSG is employed.

11:57 / 18.07.02

If you use it as grout, you need never clean the shower tiles again

11:59 / 18.07.02

A pleasantly-zingy lubricant for those tricky 'shall I rim or fuck?' moments.

12:23 / 18.07.02

6) Projectiles: giant economy-sized containers of Lime Shower Gel are currently being stockpiled outside the Big Brother House for the ritual bottling of Tim this Friday night.

7) Incense substitute: run out of incense and the skunk smells foul? Take LSG container, pour contents on the floor all around you, leaving two inches of fragrant gel in the bottom. Take scissors and straw and make a bong and hubble-bubble away... You will cough like buggery but you would anyway if the smoke's any good.

8) Lava lamp: pour LSG and equal measure of sparkling mineral water into clear pyrez jug. Place on top of cooker, on low heat. Invite hippies in to admire the effect and sell remainder of LSG to them as de-luxe "Peyote Oil" from Guatemala.

12:32 / 18.07.02

Alternative to lemon curd for those that like to eat their toast in the shower?

Cheap replacement for the goo in my Harry Potter luminous dungeon vomit monster.

George Lucas experiments for episode 3 - squeezing shower gel onto each frame to replace the traditional light sabre effect.

13:54 / 18.07.02

Mix it with meths as a cheap alternative to absinthe.

And, I WOULD use it as a failsafe method for stalking Ariadne through London's sweat-drenched hordes, but you've all ruined that for me now.

14:15 / 18.07.02

Soylent lime-green is made out of people! Its made out of people!!!

14:25 / 18.07.02

Ectoplasm for fun and profit.

14:49 / 18.07.02

Number, people! Number!

14) Homes in earthquake-prone areas are fashioned out of hardened LSG. While hard enough to resist the elements and insulating enough to retain heat, solid LSG is also flexible and light enough to turn any quake into a non-event.

20:35 / 18.07.02

15) To ease the pain and suffering from my itchy trigger finger.

16) Slip 'n Slide

17) No Mr. Bond, I expect you to die.

18) Combination Lava Lamp and Pot-Pouri.
19) Look, we can just jump out of this 30 storey building and land safely on in that conviniently placed pile of Lime Shower Gel.

20) Oh stinky God of the Lime. Take this gel we have sacrificed for you and shower in your godlike manner!

20:40 / 18.07.02

21)

I'd like to lather
up Dan Rather

20:51 / 18.07.02

Seventy-nine more to go!

22) Fill water balloons to drop on head of prissy neighbor who just sent prissy email. (Too specific?)

23) Replace bottles of beer in 100 Bottles Of Beer song. ("77 bottles of lime shower gel on the wall, 77 bottles of ge-e-el! Take one down, pass it around...")

20:55 / 18.07.02

Of course, Persephone, I'm imagining you singing that song in the shower room of the ladies prison ....

21:02 / 18.07.02

Where do you I think I'm picturing you with Dan Rather?

21:08 / 18.07.02

24) (note: this actually works with Scope brand hair gel) Mix well with an equal amount of pool chlorinator crystals inside a paper envelope, put at base of objectionable billboard with liberal splashes of gasoline, go to a safe distance and watch the fire. Barring that, mix Lime Gel with gasoline at a 2:1 ratio, splash on plastic toy soldiers and have an HO-scale Vietnam recreation/revenge drama.

21:13 / 18.07.02

25) Failing to find any limes at the local supermarket for that Delia Smith Lime Mousse because everyone's bought them out of limes? Why not try... Lime Shower Gel! It's Lime-tastic!!!.

[cough]

21:38 / 18.07.02

::still thinking::

Yeh. I'm going to drop lime shower gel water balloons on her head. And then I'm going to turn the hose on her & watch her foam up.

10:25 / 19.07.02

26[?]Get yourself a handy 'Withnail' urine detector avoidance kit and fill with lsg rather than virgin urine.
Visit doctor and get sick note.
Drive erratically and scare police when they pull you over for a wee test. "I've not been well - look, I've got a sick note".
Stand in public urinals and nod at people when they come in. Look down at lsg wee and start screaming. Warn people about the lizard overlords and flee shouting "david icke was right!"

27 Wander into Starbucks and pop a tube of lsg on the complementary additional flavourings table, with a label reading 'fruity lime essence - great with arabica!'

10:56 / 19.07.02

28 For those moments at the end of an house party, when you're reduced to drinking the Ouzo or Sake at the back of the drinks cupboard: take unpalatable alcohol of any variety (after shave included...) and combine in equal measure with Lime Shower Gel - shaken not stirred - and you have a flavoursome and poundstretching Margarita!

Your guests, by this time, will be far too pissed to care about any slight imperfections in the quality of the tequila or the triple sec.

29 Using tried and tested homeopathic principles, dilute the LSG, dilute again, and keep on diluting until barely a trace of limeness remains. Then take 5mls daily and watch your sex drive go stratospheric, as Sax will attest.

30 If press ganged into the 18th century Royal Navy, whilst innocently staggering home from the Prospect of Whitby of a Summer evening, always have a small flask of LSG concealed about your person. You will need this to avoid scurvy as you spend the rest of your life tinkling in bell bottoms on the poop deck.

This dietetic advice might profit the Barbelith Pirate Siblinghood also!

10:59 / 19.07.02

A palate-cleansing bulimia aid.

11:06 / 19.07.02

32) To save on the need for bulimic puking, squirt LSG on your chips, so you have to eat the salad instead.

33) Decide the LSG will have washed all the grease off the chips and eat them anyway

11:23 / 19.07.02

34) Call it Harry, pretend it's dead, then have it selling black market insulin in Post-War Vienna.

12:09 / 19.07.02

Ow.

13:41 / 19.07.02

..then corner it on a big wheel and watch as it bursts from it's bottle, forming into a big gooey replica of Orsen Welles .. aaand then ditch the Third Man thing completely and turn it into a really weird episode of Ghostbusters..

13:45 / 19.07.02

36) Used in computer manufacture for liquid crystal displays. Has a green glow that many find appealing, in a retro kinda way.

14:10 / 19.07.02

37) Make-up for a new troupe of ironic, 21th century vaudevillians - The Lime Green Group.

14:23 / 19.07.02

38) To provide a lively and pleasantly-scented (if gunky and garish), new paint job for Wilde's green carnation and Ginsberg's green automobile.

14:42 / 19.07.02

39) Fill several hypodermic needles with refreshing lime shower gel, then get a job at the local morgue. Spend the rest of your days happilly injecting corpses with lime shower gel, screaming "They laughed and called me mad! But look! I, Herbert West, have become the Re-animator! Bwahahahhahaa!"

14:49 / 19.07.02

40)Well, eat it, then, when the time comes for some gaseous expletives, you`ll be popping iridescent bubbles out of your bum! An exquisite feat that`ll make any party go wild!

(sorry about the image. In fact, sorry about everything.)

14:51 / 19.07.02

41) Put it in ice cube trays and freeze it. Use as comedy ice at parties, and watch people's drinks foam up hilariously. Then get twatted.

15:11 / 19.07.02

42) An even weirder alternative to that blue liquid on sanitary towel adverts.

15:48 / 19.07.02

43. Substitute for gross sinusitus-induced mucal explosion incident currently taking place in my poor head- fed up with producing your own mucus? snort LSG!

15:51 / 19.07.02

Etymological re-engineering of the word 'sublime' to mean 'grossly inferior.'

21:13 / 19.07.02

45) ensuring that when Ariadne has a shower tomorrow morning, she'll be able to think of nothing but Barbelith

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