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I Can't Get Started

  
  

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Matthew Fluxington
01:34 / 31.05.02
I have become very depressed, and I don't know what to do.

I've been debating whether or not to come out with this the past few days, mostly because I don't want to come off as some self-absorbed asshole or something, and I try to avoid being selfindulgent here. Still, I think it might be worthwhile to see if anyone can offer some practical advice if not just some support to boost my morale.

There's a lot of problems, many of which I'm not going to get into here, but there's two major problems that I think you all might be some help with.

First of all, I've been unemployed for a little over a year and a half. I was still in school last spring up through Christmas, since the new year I haven't been doing anything at all. I was initially making some attempts to find work, but I'm frustrated and disheartened, and I've come close to giving up hope entirely. I know its irrational, but I've psyched myself out to the point where I really lack the confidence to do much of anything, or even try. I feel guilty and horrible about this, but I feel completely impotent. I just don't know what to do.

What makes things worse for me is that I've been unable to produce any new art or music for nearly a year now. I'm not sure if many people are aware of this, but I am a photographic artist and a songwriter, and I am very confident that I have a lot of talent for both. I just have been unable to finish anything, and now it's starting to feel like I just can't start. I have some decent excuses for this, but they are just excuses.

I have a lot of technical equipment problems, but nothing insurmountable. Most of the problem here I think is that for photography, I really need to work with other people to get things done, but I alternately don't know who to work with or don't know how to ask. It's more or less the same thing for music, but unlike photo I can make music on my own - it's just that I'm so frustrated with myself and my own patterns of working that I know I need to collaborate with other people. I'm even more nervous about seeking out people to play music with - my music isn't very normal, so I have to picky about what sort of players I want, and have to worry even more about finding people who'd even want to play with me to begin with. Thinking about this makes me a nervous wreck.

All of this, combined with a lot of other more personal problems, have made me feel very powerless and I just don't know what to do. Every day I feel less and less motivated, less enthusiastic, and I alternate between just feeling numb and feeling hopeless and miserable. I barely even feel energetic and motivated enough to post here, to be honest.

I've been trying to work up the courage to ask my parents if I can see a therapist, but that's going to be very difficult. A lot of my problem is that I'm far too proud to talk to anyone about my problems, especially with my parents. I've only really talked to one other person in my regular life about this so far, and she's been a big help to me, but I can't just rely on her.

I think most everything comes down to me feeling that I don't know what to do. Do you have any ideas?
 
 
Mazarine
01:55 / 31.05.02
Okay, standard disclaimer: My advice is free, and is thus worth every penny, and I may very well be a total idiot.

I understand the unemployment thing. It's lame, and it entirely blows to have nothing to do. My plan for the moment is to do something relatively simple, like working for my local university repainting dormrooms or something. Sometimes a change of scenery like that can put perspective on things.

I'm a terrible artist, but have you considered trying a new medium? It can get a little costly with materials, but if you can swing the lab fee at a printmaking lab, maybe at a nearby college, it's a lot of fun, and I think it can be combined with photography. Completely random suggestion, but it might help.

Regarding the whole asking your parents if you can see a therapist thing- I'm not sure how old you are, or whose insurance you're on, but you may not have to ask them at all, if you can afford the co-pay. I'm not 100% up on this, but you can probably call your insurance co. and ask them for psychologists/psychiatrists who are part of your plan. I'm not sure how it'll show up on documents from the insurance company, but it might be worth checking out.

Another thing people have suggested to me, jobwise, is to get in touch with someone who actually knows about resumes/portfolios/etc. and get help putting something together. A bit of outside perspective on your skills and experience can help build confidence, or so I'm told. Haven't tried it yet myself, but it sounds pretty logically sound.

Good luck to you Flux, good vibes coming your way from slightly north and east.
 
 
Trijhaos
01:57 / 31.05.02
I don't know what to say about the job thing. Just keep trying. Hit the employment office, temp. agencies, keep filling out those applications and doing follow-ups and the like. I haven't had much luck in the job department but that's because of my peculiar way of applying. I fill out an application and hope that someone takes leave of their senses and asks me in for an interview. Don't give up hope. There's something out there. Don't sweat it.

I have no experience with music, so can't help you there. Have you tried taking an ad out some place? Maybe seeing if you can put ads or something up in some of the music stores.

At least you're willing to ask for help. If you can't handle going to a therapist, there may be a group or some sort that could help you out.

Sorry I'm not anymore help. Really, don't sweat it. It may not seem like it now, but everything'll eventually work out.
 
 
Murray Hamhandler
02:17 / 31.05.02
I feel your pain, Flux. I truly do. I've been stuck on "wheel spinning" mode for far too many years now and I'm just recently starting to feel some motivation and drive to seize life by the balls and stop wallowing in self-pity. The trick for me was to figure out what in life did motivate me (since nothing in my day to day existence seemed to) and apply the approach to those things that generally don't motivate me.

In my case, I tend to be stimulated by intellectual challenges. As nothing in my everyday life is that intellectually stimulating, I get bored and say a big "feh" to the things in my life that bore me, or that seemed like an insurmountable series of tedious steps(like putting much effort into finding a job, going through the motions of re-applying for school, etc.). Which leaves me effectively stuck in a big pit of inertia. Now, though, I've somehow broken through that shit. Whenever there's something that I need to do and I start getting that "aahh, fuck it..." feeling, I override my typical reaction to a potentially boring or overwhelming situation and recontextualize it as a challenge to myself (rather than seeing it as some external force that is opposing me). Because acting (as opposed to talking about what I'm going to do someday) actually is a challenge to me, and one that I hadn't really recognized as such until just recently.

I don't know how much help this specific approach would be in your own personal situation, but I hope you can at least take solace in the fact that you're not alone in what you're feeling and that many, many people have been able to pull themselves out of similar situations. Do whatever you need to do but don't give up hope that things can work themselves out. Best of luck to you.
 
 
Matthew Fluxington
02:19 / 31.05.02
Thanks.

Note: I'm pretty sure that the costs of getting a therapist wouldn't be an issue or a significant burden, it's more a case of myself being terrified of ASKING my parents for that sort of help or admitting to something I'm sure my mother at least already suspects. It should also be noted that I currently live with them, I do not live in NYC right now, I live in the suburbs about an hour north from there.
 
 
Perfect Tommy
04:13 / 31.05.02
I've been out of work for about the same length of time. I wasn't writing much, and I'd stopped writing music altogether. For the most part I was spending my time smoking and playing computer games.

I seem to be getting out of my rut, now. I credit something I've been calling (inaccurately) the butterfly effect:

  • First, I decided that if the working world didn't want me, I'd return to school.
  • Returning to school made me think of new beginnings and what-not, so on my birthday I shaved my head.
  • Looking at myself bald in the mirror, I figured I could milk the "new beginnings" thing for all it was worth, and quit smoking.
  • "Well, if you're going to quit smoking, may as well quit caffeine for now, too," I said.
  • Once I'd been off nicotine and caffeine for a couple of weeks, I made an effort to start eating better.
  • Once I was eating better, I elected to take up bike-riding...
  • ...and a little weight training, and Pilates, and yoga.


My point: I've been barely able to do anything for a year or so. I started focusing on the tiniest "accomplishments" (i.e., deciding to take some math classes; having a birthday; giving myself a haircut) and seeing if any other tiny goals seemed to follow from it. The end result for me is that I've biked 40 miles in a day after a lifetime of being sedentary, I'm learning to cook something other than toast, and I've been off nicotine for two months.

Without knowing precisely how listless you're feeling, or knowing any of your small frustrations or problems, I can't really think of any concrete suggestions. I hope I've described the blueprint for how I helped myself well enough that you might get an idea.

PS - Are you getting enough exercise? I expect that there are anti-depression effects from exercising, but even if there aren't it's a good way to kill time when no one will hire you. I speak from experience.
 
 
The Apple-Picker
05:09 / 31.05.02
Exercise used to help me better than medication did.
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
07:33 / 31.05.02
What they said. And....

Firstly, are there any free counselling services in your area? You might not need a therapist proper but a few weeks with a good counsellor would give you someone to talk your problems over with and perhaps gain some insight into them.

Don't isolate yourself. Try and be around people, preferably people who are creative. You'll find yourself sparking off them and they'll help motivate you.

As to the employment thing.... yeesh, that sucks. Having been unemployed myself I know how hard it is to keep looking for work when you get rejection after rejection. All I can say is keep trying. Look at your skills- could they be used in a way you haven't yet considered?

Above all, don't beat yourself up for the way you feel. You're down because of your circumstances, not because you're "weak".
 
 
.
09:14 / 31.05.02
I can relate to your situation Flux... After I left uni I was unemployed for about 8 months. I had considered myself a musician and a painter up to that point, but it got to the point where (even though I had all the time I wanted) I just couldn't bring myself to do a thing creatively. All I did was watch shitty daytime TV and read message boards (OK, so the latter aint such a bad thing ). Eventually I got a job, and although its stressful as fuck, at least now I am able to write music again. So my advice (for what its worth) is the following:

1) Don't try to force yourself to do something creative, cos if it aint happening, it aint happening. Forcing it can be frustrating and won't help. Don't worry, the muse will return in time.

2) Get out the house, fresh air does wonders. Exercise the body and the mind will gear up again.

3) Eat well. Make eating/cooking well something that takes up time. Eating well is about treating yourself with the respect you deserve.

4) Try and create structure. Even if it means just getting up the same time every morning and going for a walk or whatever. Just so that you feel like you're doing something.

5) Don't get isolated. Socialise, even if its just on the internet (in fact, especially on the internet). I met some great ppl online while I was unemployed, and I think I would have gone completely mad if I hadn't. Getting together with other people to do a project, musical, art, web-based, whatever is a great idea. It gives you something to do (something probably more valuable than some crappy job would be anyway), and means you can have lots of interaction with people.

good luck, ii.
 
 
Elijah, Freelance Rabbi
11:43 / 31.05.02
ok, i have 2 words for you as far as work goes
Call Center
easiest job i have ever had, not even like work
dont do a call out, like telemarketing, but tech support, like for AOL or Earthlink

as far as creativity goes, well, im not creative at all, so i guess i have no comment on that one
 
 
Naked Flame
11:46 / 31.05.02
I also had a big music block for a while after my band broke up back in 96. Sometimes it's just a context thing- you need a situation in which to create, people to work with, an audience to play it to at the end of the day...

It's so easy to become isolated, particularly now we all have these amazing music machines that can sound like God on crack in our bedrooms.

I can also definitely vouch for the exercise thing- and the whole approach of taking baby steps to get around those insurmountable obstacles.
 
 
The Natural Way
12:39 / 31.05.02
I did the 'unemployed for a year and smoking and reading and...' thing and, yes, it is shit. It sounds like yr depression is mainly situational - circumstance based - and that softly, softly, a little bit at a time, in the right direction therapy is all you need. If you have to pay someone (or not) to help you take the first step, so be it. That's cool. Admit yr apathetic miserableness to yr parents and get on w/ living again.
 
 
bitchiekittie
13:08 / 31.05.02
told you before but you dont listen. you cant jump onto living your vision, you have to start somewhere, everyone does. youve taken your choice between arrogant pride and action, and look where its gotten you
 
 
The Apple-Picker
13:19 / 31.05.02
What are you saying here? This is a thread asking for help.

Please give help.
 
 
bitchiekittie
13:55 / 31.05.02
Im just saying that Ive personally been in deep depression due to my circumstances. I sought medicine and a shrink and advice from friends, hoping someone would give me the answer that would drag me out. assuming this depression isnt medical but rather situational, as it seems hes painted it to be, the only answer is to be proactive.

Im also saying that you, flux, have expressed that while you are quite unhappy to be unemployed, you are also unwilling to take a job that is less than what you want. and that cant always happen, Im afraid, at least not right away. regardless of how much talent and ambition and want you have to put into it
 
 
Molly Shortcake
14:19 / 31.05.02
Stop. posting. on. Barbelith.

Stop. hanging. around. art. students.

Take baby steps.

Take a shit job if you have to. Start looking for a better on right away.

Treat depression as a physical illness. Persisent exercise is the most effective long term treatment for depression. Weight training, running. Eating right. If you're doing drugs, stop. Stretch for ten minutes when you first wake up. Elevate your feet over your heart for twenty minutes a day.

And in the immortal words of Disease Factory AKA Velvet Acid Christ:

"SHUT THE FUCK UP AND WRITE MUSIC!"
 
 
Jack Fear
14:38 / 31.05.02
Mm. I cannot help but agree with that.

I mean, yes, by all means seek therapy--I mean, you talked to us about it, and we haven't jumped down your throat, so yes, you can talk to your folks about it.

But.

If you feel you can't get started, then it would seem, to my unprofessional eye, that the best thing to do is to start. Something. Anything. Doesn't really matter what--you don't necessarily have to stick with what you start--but just SOMETHING, just to build up your momentum. A body at rest tends to remain at rest, but if you can get yourself in motion you will tend to remain in motion.

It doesn't really matter what you do, as long as you do something.

Which may make the decision process a bit less paralyzing.

Need a concrete suggestion? Volunteer. You've got free time: you've got talent: those are the only prerequisites.
 
 
Matthew Fluxington
16:14 / 31.05.02
Thank you very much to everyone who's offered advice thus far - I'm already starting to work on getting things together right now, and a lot of the advice offered is being taken to heart. Except for maybe the part where DualShock advises me to effectively eliminate virtually all of my social interaction and abandon my friends. I don't think that's a very good idea at all.
 
 
Persephone
17:33 / 31.05.02
All the good advice has been given, Flux; so I will just add that arrogant pride got me five years of writer's block, which was the worst experience of my entire life. Action is where it's at, even imperfect action. In fact, you could say that action is about imperfection & the beauty in that. I'm not sure if you don't believe that, or if you do believe that & for whatever reason you just can't do. If it's the former, I have been there & it is a graveyard. If it's the latter, only you feel too depressed to get started... first take heart, you're in a better place than you could be. Because it's a lot easier to get someone out of a graveyard who wants to get out, than someone who doesn't want to go.

Small steps is the truest thing, though. Good luck Flux, and let us know how you are doing.
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
18:00 / 31.05.02
Writer's block (and, I assume, photographer's and musician's) sucks. I have no solution to that one.
Can you get, if not therapy, at least counselling through your doctor? (Did me no end of good).
As far as easy answers go... I don't think they exist. My flatmate was practically suicidal this morning- just lost her job, wouldn't/couldn't even get out of bed- I bought her a Star Wars toy. Quick fix, won't last, but she actually smiled.
Good luck, anyway- and don't ditch your friends/social life. Ever.
 
 
bio k9
18:32 / 31.05.02
I hate job hunting. I hate having to sell myself to other people. Hate it hate it hate it.

I'd advise against taking a shit job, even in the short term. When you have a job its harder to look for one because you don't really need to. How many people take a job for the short term and stay there for five years? Lots. Do what Jack says and volunteer. You'll be doing something (probably something more fun than actually working), it looks good on a resume, and you will still need to find a paying job so you woln't lose motivation.

Best of luck.
 
 
Molly Shortcake
19:02 / 31.05.02
Bad wording. Take a break.
 
 
.
19:27 / 31.05.02
I never gave up my arrogant pride and it did mean that it took me longer to get a job, but the job that I have got now is better for it.
 
 
Tom Coates
07:29 / 01.06.02
I was essentially unemployed for a lot of the last year and frankly it was very very unpleasant. I was basically housebound for a good proportion of the time as a direct result of financial restrictions and that the little work I *did* have I did from home.

It's far from pleasant and it can be completely debilitating. I would suggest you treat your 'hobbies' as the best thing to concentrate on. That's what I did with Barbelith and now I'm being employed doing online community development stuff. It's difficult to do, but you can spend this time figuring out what the hell you're actually good at and developing it further...

And yes - if you can, exercise reasonably well and try and do some cheap / free things every so often to keep you from going psycho - galleries are good for that, cheap cinemas. etc.
 
 
Cherry Bomb
12:39 / 01.06.02
Serious huggles to you, Flux.

My first word of advice is to remember that you don't have to be a rock star to do the things you love. What I mean is just know you don't have to start out at Instant Huge Success (though never stop believing that that might happen!) and go ahead and do anything, even a little thing, related to what you want to do that would be fun for you.

You live in (or near enough) NYC that if you really want to avoid asking your parents for help, you should have no trouble finding a free counselling service if you want. That said, why not just ask your parents for help? If they love you, they'll want to see you happy (and likely have noticed that you aren't and like most parents would like to see you doing something to help yourself) and will help you if they can. There's no shame in needing help, Flux. We can't all be functioning 100% all the time, you know?

I think it's good that you're focused on what you want to do. But college to the "real world" can be quite shock to the system - the year after I graduated was one of the most challenging years of my life. My problem was that I was used to everything coming pretty easily to me (grades, school I wanted to go to, study abroad programs, internships, etc.) and then suddenly they didn't. I don't know if that's your problem. But the point is you have picked a challenging field and if you truly believe in it, you will have to deal with the challenges of it - something which I'm sure was easier to hear a year and a half ago!

Don't give up, Flux. But ask yourself this question: Why is what I've been doing thusfar not working? You may just need to come up with a different course of action. That's OK.

And good luck my friend!
 
 
suds
12:52 / 01.06.02
hey flux, check yr mail.
 
 
rizla mission
12:24 / 02.06.02
It's odd that the majority of posters on this thread seem to consider not having a job and spending all day at home an inherently bad/depressing state.. financial concerns aside, that's surely what I'd want to do everyday for the rest of my life..

why is it natural that we should all slump into apathy, entropy and depression when we don't have to get up at 7 in the morning? If there's a period of time during which you don't have a job but can still afford to live, I say make the fucking best of it! Spend all day doing the stuff you enjoy doing, while you still can.

(those comments aimed at the respondants to this thread in general rather than at Flux of course, sounds like his problems are also rising from personal/artistic issues and thus a bit different from mere life situation stuff .. good luck etc., obviously).
 
 
Matthew Fluxington
12:53 / 02.06.02
Rizla, I thought the same way you did for a long time - that not having school or a job to stand in my way would free me up to become a nonstop artistic machine, but it just doesn't seem to work that way.

As far as unemployment goes, it might be an easier thing to deal with if the prospect of finding even a halfway decent job didn't seem so impossible. I'm not sure what the job economy is currently like in Britain, but in the US it hasn't been this dire since the last Bush administration.
 
 
bitchiekittie
17:30 / 02.06.02
I dont think that, rizla. but if you are very deeply unhappy, I think its time to make changes in your life

but someone whos first item of a list of things that are making him miserable is his unemployed status, and the subsequent lack of confidence and motivation to change that, needs to get going

I in no way bash anyone who is home (working or not) and is happy. Ive done lots of things with my time, from being supported by my daughters father while raising our child, to working two jobs, and everything in between - its all hard!
 
 
bitchiekittie
17:31 / 02.06.02
and good luck with it, flux.
 
 
Rage
22:01 / 02.06.02
Depression comes and goes. This too shall past, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, etc. etc. etc. You've really just gotta look at things in new perspectives. Are the problems that are going on now gonna matter in a month? A year? Last night I was feeling like I had nothing and no one. Then I went for a walk and felt much better. Sure, things were fucked up, but the trees and sky were revitalizing. Nature was suddenly so much more important than all my current problems that were previously hurting the fuck out of me. Drugs help, especially acid, which shows you what's really going on in your head- and how you can alter it. (if it would suit you and your happiness to do so) Music helps. Friends help, unless you problem is that you don't have any. Maybe you could create something the expresses how you're feeling now.
 
 
Rage
22:08 / 02.06.02
Or you could just come hang out with me and let you get you extremely high. We could make fun of all the Williamsburg fashion hipsters. Or just recite absurdist poetry. Who cares about being unemployed when you can recite absurdist poetry with some 18 year old hottie who understands at least half of the conversations you like to have? I'm a very rare breed, g. I can make you happy because I am The Happy Maker!
 
 
w1rebaby
22:35 / 02.06.02
As far as unemployment goes, it might be an easier thing to deal with if the prospect of finding even a halfway decent job didn't seem so impossible. I'm not sure what the job economy is currently like in Britain, but in the US it hasn't been this dire since the last Bush administration.

This country is fairly shit. But the perception is more important than anything else - that's what's depressing, after all.

There's no shame in saying that being unemployed feels embarrassing and shaming. That's the environment that we live in, it would take superhuman effort to entirely reject that. The jobs I've taken have been mostly with the motivation of not feeling worthless; the money is necessary, but at the end of it, it's self-respect that's important.

It doesn't sound like you will be able to suddenly find some sort of fulfilling creative outlet in your current mood. For that reason, I'd advise taking any sort of job that you can find right now, just for something to do and the discipline that it enforces. Look on it as research, or whatever feels good - and if you've been able to survive for this time unemployed, you'll know at the back of your mind that it's not the only thing in your life, and that you can live without it so you won't need to treat it as life or death.

The most important thing is that it will get you out of things and force you to deal with the real world. It's a stimulus.

The other alternative, for the same reasons, is to go for some sort of education, which will let you gain skills to get work in something that is fulfilling. At the very least you will get contacts, meet other people to collaborate with and be motivated (forced) to get out of bed.
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
22:36 / 02.06.02
Rage: If acid works for you, then that's great, but I'm not sure that large quantities of psychotropic drugs are necessarily going to be helpful for everyone. Dropping a tab when you're already in a deep blue funk can make things a lot worse, rather than better.
 
 
Rage
23:06 / 02.06.02
True. Was just a suggestion. Lots of people freak out and have bad trips if they're in a bad state of mind, but others are able to alter thier states of minds as soon as they start tripping. I know that Flux is an acid guru himself, so I thought I'd throw in the idea. To each their own.
 
  

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