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How shit are you?

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18:21 / 14.05.02

Ah, possibly a new absolution presents itself; tell your sins privately to ZoCher and he will confess them for you. It's a technicality, but I just might let it through.

Also once, when very young, I was attacked by a dog. I blamed the dog of an old man who lived in the street, even though I knew it wasn't that animal; I was just scared of the dog. There was talk of having it destroyed, but fortunately it never came to that. I always felt guilty. The dog died of natural causes before I could apologise.

18:41 / 14.05.02

I am as old as Methuselah and can remember when comics cost just 9 old pence. With weekly pocket money of one shilling, you can see my dilemma. So I would go and sit in worhsipful pose on the floor, butter unmeltable in my angelic infant mouth, beforte the sdhrine of the Comics Stand in the wee local newsagents for hours, absorbing Spidey. the Hulk, Green Lantern etc.

But I got greedy and the old newsagent was nearly blind, so I started stuffing them up my jumper and racing guiltily home to enjoy them in private. Sadly for my street cred, that constituted my entire kleptomane career, but I do feel guilty still, after nearly four decades.

"Suds" was our name for the old chap in the shop, which is poignant when our lovely suds posts and strokes my guilt switch.

The saddest thing of all is a little mylar and some forethought and I could be quids in now. But we knew not of mylar in the 60's and were heedless of the morrow!

18:43 / 14.05.02

And was there jam and bread for tea?

20:19 / 14.05.02

No, just bread and dripping, Sax. We used to dream about "jam" such as rich people had. We sold my middle sister to the local laird for the bread and we made the dripping from candle-ends. I doubt I'd have survived the gruelling hardship but for my part-time job as a child prostitute and chimneysweep. Ah, la nostalgie de la boue...

20:24 / 14.05.02

Toughened your nipples, didn't it...

05:53 / 15.05.02

One time I started dating this girl that my friend was in love with...while he was still dating her. She ended up falling madly in love with me, while also cheating on me countless amounts (actually, she slept with something close to 15-20 guys while dating me); she still tries to get back together with me to this day. I slept with one other person towards the end of the relationship, and I didn't feel bad because I cheated -- because I felt completely justified in doing so -- but because of the girl I cheated on her with apparently really liked me, and she was a nice girl and I just completely used her to get back at my girlfriend. Right after the relationship I slept with another girl whom I stopped talking to shortly afterwards because I didn't like her taste in music at all (this was also the reason I gave to her). The next girl I dated ended up getting pregnant and having an abortion, which I talked her into doing because she wouldn't have given the child up for adoption and neither of us were anywhere near stable enough to care for a child. After I broke up with her, I started fooling around with this girl that was deemed "useless" by everyone else (and, to be perfectly honest, me as well), who spent a lot of time trying to get me my driver's liscence (she was hellbent on this for some reason) all in all about four weeks of misshaps then I finally got it. I felt bad because I had been using her, so I asked her out, even though I would break up with her shortly after (I had it all planned out); but, she had already gotten back with her ex. Two weeks later when he dumped her (again), we fooled around some more, and she asked me if I wanted to go out with her and I told her that I wasn't ready for a relationship of any sort and then proceeded to fool around with her a bit more. Then I realized what a horrible cunt I had been being (about a month later, actually [really, I think it was the anger management classes]) and took about a year and a half off of girls. I've grown up a bit; I'm dating a hippie chick with complete shit taste in music and, actually, couldn't be happier.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

08:12 / 15.05.02

A couple of years back, a woman came up to me at the tube station and asked me for money. I said no. I had money. I had enough for my tube fare, enough for my lunch, enough for a magazine to read and enough to give her a quid or two. And I said no.

That's not the worst part. The worst part was, she'd been beaten up at some point in the recent past. She had a cut on her cheekbone, another on her brow. Her voice was steady, but her eyes were wet and red. And she asked me for money and I said no and I didn't even ask her if she was alright, what had happened, did she need the police, or a doctor? I didn't say anything, except: No. Sorry. Then I went to catch my train. I don't know why I did that.

Whisky Priestess

15:42 / 15.05.02

Because London (by default - there are so many beggars you'd have to carry a bag full of 50ps to give to every one you see) makes you into the kind of person who says "No, sorry" to beggars, even really needy, deserving, beaten-up beggars when you have enough money to give them.

I think there are much worse things to do. Saying no, sorry to friends who need you - that's the cardinal sin as far as I'm concerned. I really, really try not to do it.

Having said that, I guess the worst things I've done would be to dump people - some of whom are still my friends. But there are some relationships it's kinder to end. And I've cheated on almost every boyfriend I ever had, but that's par for the course - in different ways, they all deserved it.

Never killed a man, though. Except - oh, no: that was a gerbil.

17:59 / 15.05.02

I drowned a rat once.

And I abandoned a tortoise in the woods.

Oh God, all my boundaries breached at once! When does the absolution come, Father Sax?

And one ex partner phoned me up and threatened suicide, so I told him to stop whining and adapt. This was a different one from the bastard who chucked me outside Burger King, just days before Christmas, whom I would phone up at 2 and 3 a.m. (then hang up wordlessly) when I was pissed and rabble-rousing in seedy gay bars.

The shame, the shame...

18:00 / 15.05.02

Can I just say the would-be suicide stopped whining and adapted and went to the Anatarctic to study mosses on a Russian cruiser. So I did him a favour, really, perhaps...

18:23 / 15.05.02

is there lots of moss on russian cruisers?

18:46 / 15.05.02

I forgot to call my wife one night that it was really important that I do so.

It still makes my stomach clench into a fist when I think about it.

Zoom.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

20:26 / 15.05.02

Whiskey: No, it wasn't a "been in London too long" thing. I've given dosh to less deserving people and I still do so; I've stopped for people who were obviously unwell, eg lying on the pavement, no matter what. And I always, always, try to look after my mates.

I just don't know why I didn't help that woman. I dream about her a lot. In my dreams, I make it right.

20:38 / 15.05.02

There's one time, I tried to have sex with my maid when I was 10 years old. I dunno how to do it then, so I only can just rub onto her. I even rub onto my primary 1 classmated who is a girl and I guess my teacher must have enjoy the free show then. And this could have brighten up her spinster life.

20:46 / 15.05.02

C'mon, don't pretend. Don't tell me you never did this.......

23:16 / 15.05.02

Uh, I used the girl of my dreams as a fuck toy and when I was thru with her, I dropped her cold without an explanation, and haven't seen her since. Yeah, I'm a shit heel. I don't understand why I acted the way I did and truly regret my behavior.

Every other rotten thing I have done in my life, I can live with ...

01:15 / 16.05.02

I left my best friend with benefits, who totally had it bad for me, for a guy she totally also had it bad for. She had wanted us to be in a threesome, and I'll never forget telling her that he and I were together and she wasn't included. The look on her face was so heartbreaking I am sure I will burn in Hell when I die just because of that one act. I regret nothing else I've ever done except that one thing. What made it worse was that after that, she started using a lot of drugs and drinking, two things she had NEVER done before. Although she's gotten her life straightened back out now and we're back on speaking terms, I still feel heaps of guilt whenever I think of what I did.

06:13 / 16.05.02

Well, this is all going rather well ( I did tell you I'm a part time researcher for "Trisha", didn't I?)

Father Sax is only joking. Dumping on friends is bad, we all concede. Worse than dumping on a partner? That seems to be the prevailing thought. A shag's a shag, but friends are forever... or whatever it was the Spice Girls sang. Interesting...

Oh and ZoCher: Drowning rats is fine - they were an accident of divine creation and should never have made it off the drawing board, my sources Upstairs tell me. And the tortoise is fine, I understand; he's been working his way back to you, babe, and should make it home sometime in July.

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