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How shit are you?

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07:11 / 14.05.02

In the vein of Kali's Barbeconfessional, which seems to have become something rather different, I'd like to ask the Underground to reveal the shittest thing they've ever done to another person. What made you feel really bad, like you were a worthless piece of arse? Did you rip someone off? Break someone's heart? Beat, maim or murder a guinea pig? Maybe it wasn't something that seems particularly bad to other people, but it just made you feel wretched.

Come on, it's good for the soul. I'll start you with this one:

Many, many years ago, the young Sax was trapped in a relationship he couldn't get out of. Being a polite young man, he tried many ways to end the relationship, which he felt had just come to a natural end. Matters were complicated because he was living with this person at the time, and their families were quite close to each other. Young Sax tried to sit down and have conversations about this, tried to say how over it was, but the other person wouldn't listen, was, in fact, in some kind of denial. At his wit's end, Sax began spending a lot of time with a friend who lived in a shared house out of the town where Sax lived, but near to where the two pals worked. A plan was hatched. Sax would move into this house as a room had come free. Sax tried several more times to end the relationship, but being a nice young man stopped short of just shouting: "I want to leave you because I fucking hate you, you silly cow!", because that wasn't quite true.

Anyway, one day Sax left work at lunchtime, drove the 40 minutes to his home, and loaded up all his personal possessions into his car, while his partner was at work. Then he drove back to work.

Later that day he phoned the now ex-partner, although she was not aware of this important change in her status yet.

Sax: "I'm not coming home."

Partner: "Oh, that's nice, dear. Going out with your friends?"

Sax: "No, you misunderstand. I'm not coming home. Ever."

Partner: strangled sob. String of bad words.

End of relationship.

Not proud, but glad I've got that off my chest. Anyone else?

The Natural Way

08:05 / 14.05.02

When I was 18 I called a very depressed gay friend (w/ good reason - he had AIDS) a "faggot". I still don't know why I did it. I wasn't angry w/ him or anything, it just burst out of my mouth. In a classroom full of people. Who were all silent at the time.

I really shouted it.

Ouuurgh....

It's probably not the worst thing I've ever done, but it just makes me curl up into a little ball every time I think about it, even though it happened 7 years ago.

08:09 / 14.05.02

I once told an ex, who was having a pregnancy scare and wanted me to come with her to the clinic, that she was "a big girl now" and could handle it on her own.

given prior circumstances though I didn't feel all that guilty

09:22 / 14.05.02

MY mom was under the impression that I was going to meet her and my relatives for lunch on Mother's Day. As she called me on her way out the door, wondering when I was going to meet her, she woke me up & I told her I wasn't planning on the 3 hr. round trip. She seemed shocked & stated that 1) she thought I was coming, seeing as it was her special day & 2) that I was going to help my father with the kitchen re-modeling that needs to be done by next weekend. I, being the unruly riser that I am, chewed her out for assuming the former & for never mentioning the latter to me and mewled arschloch drivel about how I needed to look for a job & couldn't just drop everything at the drop of a hat just to please her. She got choked up, cut the conversation short with a curt "OKloveya'bye" & hung up.

So there you have it. I probably made my mother cry on Mother's Day. I mean, how shitbird is that.

09:35 / 14.05.02

depends on whether you'd said you were coming or not, or whether you always do normally, etc

personally I've told my parents that if they think I'm helping them with any more remodelling they can fuck off

09:44 / 14.05.02

Goodness me, is it meant to cheer me up to find out I hang out with such horrible people? Though I suppose i can console myself with having been nice to my mum. I'm afraid my more nasty past-events are too bad to ever be told.

09:50 / 14.05.02

Something thats stuck in my mind, I got the Bros album for Christmas but kept going on about how I didn't ask for it on my Christmas list saying that Santa had messed up and then finding out that it was my parents that had bought it - doesn't seem like much but it must have meant something at the time or I wouldn't remember it ?

10:12 / 14.05.02

the only really mean thing i've done is have an affair. twice.

10:17 / 14.05.02

Suds, Ariadne, come on! Details! You'll feel better, honestly.

10:55 / 14.05.02

Dr. Sax wrote: Suds, Ariadne, come on! Details! You'll feel better, honestly.

I wouldn't, I sure don't feel better. Oh yeah, and I posted some guy's picture in Kooky's "Search Referral" thread and made a joke about killing myself because I look nothing like him whatsoever. I guess I didn't realize that by doing so I was 1) stealing his bandwidth & 2) being an even bigger prick. So if the other Margin Walker (i.e. the dude in the webcam .jpg) is reading this, I'm sorry.

Man, I'm just on a fuckin' roll, ain't I

10:56 / 14.05.02

well, i guess i'll keep my mouth shut then.
hee hee heee.

11:46 / 14.05.02

Ive done some mildly shitty things but I think I was well within reason to do so. I imagine really amazingly evil ways to exact revenge on people whove screwed me over and then eventually always let it go, sans any form of payback.

11:52 / 14.05.02

Ah, no. Revenge is different. I want to hear about really shitty things you've done that make you feel ashamed to walk on two legs and wear clothes, and for which you know you should wallow in muck like the animals you are. That kind of thing.

12:07 / 14.05.02

A woman who lived down the street from me, beautiful, creative, gorgeous human being on every level a person can be one, died of a brain tumor... wow, I can't believe it's been this long... fall before last. And I didn't go to see her once before she died, because I was too afraid, and felt too guilty about not having gone sooner.

12:20 / 14.05.02

ok. I didnt call or visit my grandmother enough. and she died. and I knew that out of all of her good and successful and lovely grandchildren, I was her favorite - completely different from everyone else, but quite clearly favored, her only reminder of her dead son. and I didnt visit or call nearly enough and its too late to take that back

12:25 / 14.05.02

Ok this is something I'm not proud of and have never done again ... here goes.

I met a girl while making a music video a few years ago now, we talked for ages. Then the inevitable happened and she came to see me. We got on great and had the same sense of humour etc, and god she was good.
But she fell for me in a big way, which I stupidly didn't see as I had just been fecked over about a year before so I had the emotion blinkers on. Anyway it came down to me saying I didn't want to do it anymore coz I wasn't ready for it, it hurt the hell out of her but we still talked.

Now the evil comes ...

Still in my fecked up emotional state, about 4 months after I let her go I needed something, not love, not a relationship, just something. So who did I call, her.
I got her to visit me and it was great, just what I needed. I couple of more visits passed.
Then she says she wants to move closer to me. I say what, no, I thought we just had some casual going on here, I don't want a etc etc. So basically I did it again, but this time was different, I almost destroyed her, she thought I got back in touch coz I had got over everything I needed to and we were going to get on with things.

I spoke to her a few times after to make sure she was ok, and yes she is, she's really in love with a guy and she's getting on with it. I had my own nightmare to deal with, even though I didn't know it was coming, but guilt has a way of creeping up on you. I felt so bad, not human, but then I wasn't, not then.

We don't talk anymore, which is probably best ...

Anyway all story's need some sort of happy ending ..
She's ok now ... and so am I thank god...

I got over my self hating, explosive, don't care who I hurt attitude from the previous rejection.
I've met a wonderful girl who is nothing but good for me, who I've been with for a year.
This time I was going to do it right though, I've told her everything about me, even this story....

So there you go, playing with her life like that made me feel so shamed to be alive, and I'll be forever sorry ....

12:27 / 14.05.02

Dam i can't beleive 1.i told you all that, i've only ever told two people until now.. and 2.i wrote all that out !

Ok need tea now .... huummmm tea

ONLY NICE THINGS

12:28 / 14.05.02

Yeah, I get that sort of "you're a terrible child" feeling about my Sparent. Not to mention the time when I was heading back from visiting my father in Intensive Care and a treacherous part of me popped up with the thought "Just, like die already!"

But ultimately these are kind of victimless crimes, if onyl for want of an extant victim. If I was looking for a sustained period of utter shittyness, I'd probably have to go for...well, 1995 through to about 2000, really.

12:38 / 14.05.02

'i feel sick's post just made me remember something mean i did that i can write about.

there was this boy, lets call him r. in our crowd but he was always kind of weird so i'd always be mean to him. sometimes i'd kiss him when i was bored and whatever. he'd drive me everywhere and i guess i just really used him. and the terrible thing is, this went on for the longest time. like years.

this one time, we'd come out of a club and we couldn't afford a taxi home and didn't want to hitch because last time we did, one of us got strangled (but they survived yay). so, i was like, 'lets call
r. and get him to drive us home'.
it must have been four am. we made him get out of bed, and drive not only me but three of my friends home. one of the boys lived far far away and he had to drive him back. and this boy was unbelieveable and i had such a crush on him and on the way home he kept touching my thigh.
then the car breaks down and we have to hitch to this boys house, and we all have to sleep in the lounge. and me and my best friend are so bored that we make poor r. do a naked dance for us. we were relentless -- 'do a naked dance! do a naked dance!'
and he did.
yeah, it was huge!
but anyway.

i later found out he was 'infactuated and obsessed' with me a while ago and i felt SO bad for using him in that way. my friends are amazed that i didn't realise he liked me for so long. i think he'd tell me when i was drunk in graveyards.
anyway, now i'm all weird around him because i feel so guilty and lame for being so mean to him.
he has a girlfriend now who is also weird so i don't feel as bad now. no, wait, i feel really bad about this. especially since a bunch of people i crushed on treated me badly too! i should know how it feels.

man i feel terrible.

13:11 / 14.05.02

A demon confronted is one kicked in the nads. Father Sax offers absolution to all you brave souls who have bared the nastiness in your pancreas. You may all say three Robert Anton Wilsons, a King Mob and recite the Cthulhu haiku over in the limericks thread, and rest easy tonight.

However, there are still some of you out there holding in the darkness. Come on. Give 'til it hurts.

And Haus, you will only get true release once you give us at least a precis of those five years of nastiness.

ONLY NICE THINGS

13:55 / 14.05.02

Ah, well, Saxy, unfortunately I couldn't do that without also mentioning other people. So penitence may have to be enough.

Regrettable Juvenilia

14:09 / 14.05.02

Funny, my idea of what makes me 'shit' tends to involve not evil actions per se, but just being a bit lame, lazy, inactive, pathetic, etc. Hmmm...

14:30 / 14.05.02

Oh, hell yeah... all that, too... but its pretty much a constant state, hard to write specific anecdotes. Plus, I'm too lazy, inactive and pathetic to bother trying...

Regrettable Juvenilia

14:34 / 14.05.02

Heh.

I guess what worries me a little is that there are certain kinds of 'bad' behaviour (and I mean actively bad, unethical things, not just drinking a bit much of wasting money in net caffs) that I don't really feel bad about, because at least they're a form of action (and hell, some of 'em are fun) - and this probably isn't particularly healthy...

14:48 / 14.05.02

what that probably means is, you're excessively passive-aggressive and if you are being shit to people, you do it through inaction

Regrettable Juvenilia

14:55 / 14.05.02

You know, you just might have a point there...

15:54 / 14.05.02

Once, angry-drunk, I physically assaulted my partner. That's the worst thing I've ever done; even thinking about it now makes me feel guilty and shitty.

Tryphena Absent

16:31 / 14.05.02

On my last night at home about a month or so ago I was sitting on the bus with 3 of my friends and really just wanted to be alone. One of them is really confused about his sexuality and hates discussing it in public. Like the complete piece of shit I truly can be, when he asked me what the matter was I snapped, said something to him about being gay and turned round again... of course our other friends didn't care but I shouldn't have said anything and feel extremely guilty about it. Out of all of them I'm the one who should understand and the only one he talks to and a tiny bit of anger made me betray him just like that. Completely, fucking, untrustworthy.

17:15 / 14.05.02

Often, when drunk, I am an evil, moody control freak who spoils my partner's fun, it has to be said. & I am too often drunk.

But, as for the rest of the mea culpa's, I have done things you people wouldn't believe and they're far too shameful to iterate. Probably why I live with a psychiatrist.

17:26 / 14.05.02

I've done things that you people wouldn't believe, too. I just don't feel guilty about any of them... hmm. What with that and liking the Illuminatus! Trilogy, maybe I really am evil...

17:29 / 14.05.02

But we share a love of Dune and have both read the damned prequels, Cholister, so these twisted echoes do not surprise me, Revered Mater!

wembley can change in 28 days

17:32 / 14.05.02

I have a few here and there, actually I'm trying to remember them and I *know* I've managed to block some out of my memory. The one thing I said that I really wish I never had was when I was about 13 or 14, and having a fight with my 11-year-old brother. He was particularly good at finding and pushing any and all buttons - he knew calling me "fat ass" was enough to send me into my room moping with a puberty-enhanced hormonal cocktail. I was the kid who won all the school awards and had hockey and baseball trophies to fill a closet, but he was marching to his own little drummer. I got so mad at him, I made fun of the fact that the only trophy he owned was a "participation" trophy from a t-ball tournament, and I told him he'd never be good at anything. The look on his face changed so rapidly and so drastically that I immediately wished I'd never said it, and went into my room before he decided what sharp object he'd use for retaliation.

pointless and uncalled for

17:33 / 14.05.02

I feel bad that I don't really feel bad or guilty about the things that I've done.

By no means is my life without blame or incident. I know I've managed to do some really shitty things in my life but I just seem to have stopped dwelling on the,. I should really, it may actually make me the better person that I need to be.

17:33 / 14.05.02

ZoCher: Awwww, sweet!

18:16 / 14.05.02

Yes, I am a pudding, Cholister, though a well-read and evil-ish one: like Uncle Fester drowned in custard.

I am jealous of all you people with no guilt. I feel guilty as soon as I wake up in the morning. When I was a boy, I used to confess to my sisters' naughtiness to save them being thumped and it was the start of two recurrent themes: masochistic sexual traits and the straitjacket of good manners.

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