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Barbe-confessional

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Less searchable M0rd4nt

21:13 / 13.05.02

Haus, 'Nesh: best interests at heart and whatall, but is this not a teensy bit on the heavy side?

ONLY NICE THINGS

21:42 / 13.05.02

MC: Well, yes and no. Yes in the sense that it is a bit on the heavy side. No in the sense that we have been the audience to this for about three years now, and complicity feels oogy.

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

01:44 / 14.05.02

Wow, Haus, you sound just like my mother. How did that happen?

We're The Great Old Ones Now

06:56 / 14.05.02

Guys...give her a break. Even if you're right, grabbing Kali's online head and smashing it against the mirror is hardly going to help. It's not like she can't just log off.

Disco is My Class War

07:07 / 14.05.02

I have confessions that are probably worse than kali's, but I'm sorry, I don't think I can really share them with y'all. I wish we had an anonymous forum again, me.

ONLY NICE THINGS

07:50 / 14.05.02

Wow, Haus, you sound just like my mother. How did that happen?

Natural reaction of grown-ups in the face of...oh, never mind.

10:10 / 14.05.02

haus, if it bothers you that much, then don't pay attention to it. go and read something else. being snarky (i know, i know, haus can't help being snarky, haus issnarky, snarky is haus) doesn't help anything.

it's not like the boar doesn't have scores of other threads that you can post in, it's not compulsory to post in every single one just because you've read it, y'know.

10:10 / 14.05.02

that should say "board", obv.

ONLY NICE THINGS

10:34 / 14.05.02

This isn't snarkiness, Kooky, it's horror. Useless as my contribution may be, it would be comparable to wandering away from a car crash whistling not at the very least to have tried. Not buying into the assumptions of a thread or its poster is not always snarky.

Although, of course, this response will now be dismissed as "also snarky", because there could never be a valid reason for disagreeing with the homespun wisdom of la Kooky other than pointless, destructive snarkiness, and so on ad infinitum.

So, as I say, never mind.

We're The Great Old Ones Now

10:42 / 14.05.02

Jesus. You were doing so well until you started in on the 'homespun' part. Then it got snarky something rotten.

And frankly, I don't think this thread looked like a car crash until you applied your Rhino-stylee Great White Revelation.

ONLY NICE THINGS

11:07 / 14.05.02

Actual car crash in metaphorical comparison, Nick, not metaphorical car crash describing actual thread.

Never mind.

Matthew Fluxington

12:03 / 14.05.02

I think Haus and Ganesh are being more realistic than overbearing - I know from having been in similar situations with people like Kali, that you can reach a point where you just have to snap and tell them the truth of the situation as you see it. Somebody has to say it, you know?

I'm not presuming to know much about Kali other than what I've seen her write here over the past year, but with only that to go on, I think Haus might be on to something.

12:34 / 14.05.02

There are definitely times with people when you have to be honest and try and slap some sense into them. I'm not getting involved in this thread except to say that in my opinion even in those circumstances where you might be justified, there's no real need to do publically...

12:48 / 14.05.02

Point taken, Tom. But Kali made it a point to discuss this publically by starting this thread; it's already in a public forum. If she gets feedback that she doesn't like or is uncomfortable with, isn't that part of the risk she took in bringing it here?

And if this is an issue that she's brought to the board time and time again yet so far has done nothing to change, then a "Shit or get off the pot!" response – while perhaps blunt – may be understandable at this point.

13:02 / 14.05.02

the one thing I know about giving advice about other peoples relationships: they might hear, but they dont listen.

for example, one of my dear friends is seeing someone who is quite clearly a controlling asshole. if that fucker had told me what to do - especially in a fledgling relationship - hed have gotten an automatic heave-ho. its quite clear that she will one day wise up and see him for the jerk that he is and give him a hearty boot in the heiny, because shes smart and feisty. but I cant make her see that

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

13:30 / 14.05.02

This just gets better and better.

Oh, Figbash, bring me some brandy and let's settle in, shall we?

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

13:31 / 14.05.02

Actually, all I wanted to do was confess the affair. Considering this is a repeat pattern with every boyfriend I've ever had...eh.

We're The Great Old Ones Now

15:14 / 14.05.02

Ummm...that's sort of relevant...

15:49 / 14.05.02

For what it's worth, I actually did recant a little; my original comments (written in a spirit of muted frustration with both Kali's naif reworking of an Old Old Issue and Nick's IMHO overly oblique response) were more explicit - too explicit - and, after a couple of other posters (quite reasonably) took me to task, I deleted them.

When someone posts personal details in a public forum, what is and isn't 'appropriate', comments-wise, is something of a grey area. I guess both parties (solicitor and provider of feedback) need to take some responsibility for what's written.

We're The Great Old Ones Now

16:13 / 14.05.02

For what it's worth, 'Nesh, I was following your lead from another thread a while back where you were asked an opinion with patchy information. I just don't know enough about Kali to root out her motivations with any degree of certainty, and I've got no right to tell her "it's this" - so I sort of think she'll have to figure it out for herself.

So I guess what I'm saying is that I wasn't being oblique - I was just offering a pretty basic self-checking tool and leaving the rest alone.

16:14 / 14.05.02

I guess I was acting on information accumulated over the last few years, from previous threads on this subject. An elephant never forgets...

The Knowledge

00:29 / 15.05.02

Don't worry about it Kali. Seriously. Don't tell him. Just carry on the affair behind his back for as long as possible. It's so much fun!
And if his name really is Spike then he's had it coming for a long time...

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

04:23 / 15.05.02

I guess I should have elucidated. (Lookit, Haus, I've used a BIG word just for your benefit! No, seriously) In my entire dating career, despite the affection I have held for any person, I have always fucked around on them. No exceptions. It didn't matter. This is how it's always gone. Spike is not the exception. (Lookit again, My. Boy. Friend.) This is just how I am. Or rather how I don't want to be. But yet again, there it was, staring me in the face. And I want to know, given my family history, is this how it's going to be?

I dig you, Haus (though it doesn't mean much, I'm sure), but anybody, is this how it has to be for me? And if it's so simple as changing, if it's so simple as saying, "Fuck that, right, I'm not going after anyone that fancies me or that I fancy," then obviously you're the better person.

We're The Great Old Ones Now

08:00 / 15.05.02

No, it doesn't have to be that way.

Yes, you'll have to figure it out.

Yes, it may be amazingly hard work.

Yes, it will require a partner who makes you feel valued.

Yes, it may require satisfaction in other areas of your life.

Yes, it is as simple as saying 'no, I don't want to do that'.

No, it isn't.

Consider: change your analysis of your history from "it's how I am" to "it is how I have behaved". The former is a definition which will defeat you, and which always gives you an excuse. You make infidelity your destiny. The latter takes responsiblity and allows for the possibility of change. Don't seek reasons for why you do it. Find ways not to do it. Find ways not to want to.

Up to you.

Matthew Fluxington

12:08 / 15.05.02

Well, Kali, you don't HAVE to be in a committed relationship. If yr repeated infidelities bother you so much, and you see no way to avoid it, maybe you should instead rethink why you even bother with monogamy in the first place.

It actually doesn't seem like such a bad idea for you to consider checking out that polyamory site that Haus linked for you.

12:31 / 15.05.02

I dont think polamory is such a good idea for someone who cant be honest about their feelings and desires. well, neither is an exclusive relationship, but you have to realize that someone who is compulsively cheating in every relationship may simply lack the simple communication skills (or at least the drive to utilize them) needed to carry out any healthy relationship. I dont think polyamory is necessarily all about rolling around mindlessly in a mass of nekkid parts

its one thing to talk to us, kali, quite another to talk to your boyfriend. maybe you should try talking about your issues to him

ONLY NICE THINGS

14:37 / 15.05.02

My God. Bitchiekittie and Haus. Together again....FOR THE FIRST TIME!

We're The Great Old Ones Now

14:40 / 15.05.02

I think you make a lovely couple.

14:41 / 15.05.02

ok, knock it off. youre scaring me, the both of you

07:25 / 16.05.02

Bringing it back to the confessional part.....and as soon as I can think of some advice for you, Kali, I will....but it seems Haus and Nick are saying it better than I ever could.

I'm in a sticky mess of my own. Story: There's this guy, J, that I've known for 6 years. We met at a music camp and dated for 3 months. He visited me my senior year and we fooled around. He started dating someone in college, and when they had relationship issues (she was dating people at her new school in order to meet people, while still dating him) he got it in his head to visit me. I told him it was a bad idea, as I was going through a breakup of my own. (yay hormones) She proceeds to get pissed at him for wanting to come visit me instead of working on said problems.

So fast forward. I've not seen him in 3 years. Even while dating, I've always felt squishy towards him. We flirt mercilessly on the phone. He's going to grad school in Georgia in the fall, she's going to Minnesota. He's told me he's not sure if they're going to be together once they go to grad school.

His girlfriend is currently in Minnesota.

He's coming to visit on Saturday and is staying the night. I want to tell him how I feel, but I feel really guilty about lusting after/realizing I want to try a relationship with him. I think he's really in love with her, but I keep getting mixed signals that indicate otherwise.

*sigh*

I want a guy who's taken. Somebody shoot me.

08:11 / 16.05.02

music camp?

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

06:04 / 19.05.02

I suppose I'm horribly stunted as I have read as everything Nick has said as: "Oh fuck, internal work with me."

That out of the way, HEG (Hot English Guy) called me the other night. Small talk all around, blah blah blah cakes, then comes up the question, "So....what are you doing the rest of the night? Going to bed?"

"Yeah, actually."

(A few seconds pause.) "Would you like to...maybe get a drink tomorrow night?"

"I dunno. I'll call you if that's a possibility."

"Sure, that's fine."

Enter Girl Who Doesn't Call.

While not a victory, certainly a step in the proper direction.

Whisky Priestess

09:22 / 19.05.02

Girl Who Doesn't Call is NOT a step in the right direction. It's a childish and unfair response to this guy. Decide whether you're going to fuck or see him again, tell him, and tell him why.

Do what you want to do but for God's sake don;t feel guilty about it, unless the guilt is part of the thrill. Accuse Spike of cheating on you and see what happens.

"I suppose I'm horribly stunted as I have read as everything Nick has said as: "Oh fuck, internal work with me."

["Internal work with Nick". Snigger ... sorry, childish and unfair]

We're The Great Old Ones Now

09:43 / 19.05.02

[eyebrow]

18:53 / 20.05.02

music camp?

Yeah, music camp. Weeklong summer camp thing at a university where I learned how to improve my playing ability. He played bassoon, I played flute.

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