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Underground > Creation >

Spontaneous play

  
  

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Less searchable M0rd4nt
14:14 / 04.03.02
Cut and Cameraman are standing on the far side of the stage. Udo Kier strolls up, arm in arm with Richard Whitely.

Cameraman: Quick- somebody call Makeup!

Cut: You don't mean-

Cameraman: Yes! It's our only hope!

(Enter Peter Lorre, looking anxious)

Lorre: No! For the love of Heaven, there are some things man was not meant to-

Cameraman: Your hidebound moralizing bedamned! Makeup can save this girl. I will defy conventional wisdom- yea, even nature itself for this girl's life.

Everyone except for Cut: (turn towards audience, assume fixed grins, and declaim in unison) Because she's worth it!


Lightning flashes. Lorre cowers. Cut folds arms.

Cut: I think you've seen far too many cosmetics adverts.

[ 04-03-2002: Message edited by: Mordant C@rnival ]
 
 
mr insensitive
14:40 / 04.03.02
MOTHER helps GOD to a chair.

MOTHER: Dear me! A gentleman of your age, too. You oughta be thinking of the hereafter!

GOD: YOU WOULD DEFY ME! GOD OF THE EARTH AND THE UNIVERSE,
CONTROLLER OF ALL MENS FATES?

MOTHER pats him kindly.

MOTHER: How about some soup?

GOD: Oh. Actually, that would be very nice. I’ve been smiting a lot, you know. Where’s
Moses?

MOTHER: He’s been dead for thousands of years.

GOD: I rather liked him. But he din have no respec’...

GOD dozes.

RICKMAN: Well that explains a lot about the world, doesn’t it?

He glances at the two remaining Indians.

RICKMAN: And you-

He starts to point, stops himself as they cringe.

The NARRATOR steps forward to centre stage,and draws breath.

Blackout

[ 06-03-2002: Message edited by: Nick ]
 
 
The Monkey
18:03 / 04.03.02
Removed, possibly nivver to return...alas, alack, wasn't cut oot for this whole playright thing....

[ 05-03-2002: Message edited by: [monkeys of thoth] ]
 
 
We're The Great Old Ones Now
19:36 / 04.03.02
Lights up on...a courtroom

UDO sits in the judge's box, LORRE prosecutes, GOLDTHWAIT is defending. THe INDIANS are in the dock. The other characters are on the jury, except GOD, who is the court recorder, and appears to be propped up in his chair.

UDO: You are charged with the murder of Grace of the Lord Digby, of Matahuxee, Alabama and Bigmark Arkansas. How do you plead?

FIRST INDIAN: It was the audience. They wanted blood.

GOLDTHWAIT: Hey! I'm the New Messiah, y'know? I'll do the defending.

SECOND INDIAN: Like hell. You've got that funny voice thing going on. I'll do it.

He steps onto the main floor.

SECOND INDIAN: The prosecution's case is similar to that against Bedgellot, the Faithful Hound. Is anyone familiar with this charming anecdote?

[ 06-03-2002: Message edited by: Nick ]
 
 
QUINT
21:26 / 05.03.02
Bobcat: Hey! I'll- AND IN THE SECOND MONTH ABRAM BEGAT LESTER -

FIRST INDIAN: Your honour, we move to defend ourselves on the grounds that our council is suffering from some form of religiously-induced Dissociative Identity Disorder. And he's a stand-up comedian, not a lawyer.
 
 
Haus about we all give each other a big lovely huggle?
10:11 / 06.03.02
UDO: And the Messiah. I think there may be a conflict of interests.

SECOND INDIAN: Or the reverse. Vengeance being his, I mean.

LORRE: Objection! Confluence of interests!

UDO: Objection sustained.

BOBCAT: I will repay, you know.

UDO: That comment will be struck from the record. The bench - that's me, motherfuckers - will assign a counsel. Call Alan Rickman.

LORRE: Rickman! Come on out, Rickman! I'm going to make a haggis out of your stupid English face, what ho!

(Lengthy silence. Nobody moves)

UDO: You know, that even offended me.
 
 
Ethan Hawke
11:20 / 06.03.02
A loud noise is heard. Smoke from offstage. Enter Rickman,wearing the most comical barrister wig one could possibly imagine.

First Indian:He's going to defend us?

Second Indian: He's killed one of us.

Udo: Killed one of you? Both of you look plenty alive to me. Not even undead, as it were.

Rickman: And he should know.

Lorre:Your honor, I move for a writ of "Not Dead." to be applied to the defendants.

Second Indian Not one of us two. There were three of us, originally.

Bobcat: Aren't there supposed to be ten little indians?

Udo:Would the court stenographer please strike the last remark from the record?

Rickman walks over to the unconscious God and shakes him awake.

GOD: What? Where am I?

Rickman:You're the omniscient one. You tell us.

Udo: Stenographer, I want Bobcat's last line stricken from the record.

God: Um, okay.

A loud flash and bang as God calls down a lightning bolt which destroys the steno machine.

[ 06-03-2002: Message edited by: todd ]

[ 06-03-2002: Message edited by: todd ]
 
 
grant
14:39 / 09.04.02
LORRE: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I present to you three savages...

RICKMAN: I object!

MOTHER: Them city folk hardly seem civilized to me.

RICKMAN: Prejudicial jury! I move for a mistrial and reinstatement of jurors.

KIER: I am afraid, counsel, that it is too late for such trivialities.

RICKMAN: May the defense approach the bench?

KIER: You may.

Rickman leans over and whispers into Kier's ear. Kier begins laughing and nodding.

KIER: I see. Hmm. Oh, yes. Ha! Of course! Of course!

Rickman steps down.

RICKMAN: For my first witness, I would like to call... Juror number eight.

The Mother gasps, stands, checks her seat (which is marked with a large numeral eight) and makes her way to the witness stand.

RICKMAN (to God): Swear in the witness. Psst! Your omnipotence... hello?

MOTHER (looking skyward): Oh Lord, these many burdens I have suffered, to lose a fair flower of youth so soon...

RICKMAN: Hello? We have a witness?

MOTHER:...in these times of sorrow, I look to you, O Lord, to guide me the way. Help carry me through, O Lord. Help find me justice in this house of lies.

RICKMAN: Your Honor, I believe there's a problem.

KIER: A problem, counsel?

FIRST INDIAN: Oh God, what next?

RICKMAN: Well, that appears to be the problem.

MOTHER: ...Have mercy upon your faithful servant, O Lord, in this dark hour, and guide my words with truth....

RICKMAN: I think God is dead.

KIER: What?

MOTHER: You blasphemer! You murderous blasphemer! I refuse to testify in a house of lies and blasphemy!

RICKMAN: Calm... calm down.

MOTHER: I will not be calm! I will not stand by while evil is done before me! Pappy, you're watching all this, ain't you?

FATHER (from the Jury Box, motioning to the Cameraman nearby): Yes, honey. We're getting it all on tape.

CUT: Maybe I should do something.

RICKMAN: Please, everyone just calm down. He may simply be asleep.

KIER: Counsel, would you please shake the Lord Almighty awake?

RICKMAN (eyeing the smoking remains of the steno machine): I... I am not worthy to touch the hem of his garment, I'm afraid.

MOTHER: That's right, you blasphemer.

RICKMAN: I am not a blasphemer! I was merely making an observation.

KIER (banging his gavel): Would the witness please wake the recorder?

MOTHER: Is he addressing me?

LORRE: I'm afraid so.

GOLDTHWAIT: It's OK. I'll do it.

He grabs a bible from the recorder's desk and holds it out to Mother.

GOLDTHWAIT: Ok. Raise your right hand. Higher than that. Higher. Higher! OK, not that high.

Kier bangs his gavel.

GOLDTHWAIT: Sorry, lady.
 
 
Ethan Hawke
19:26 / 12.04.02
Cut rises out of her seat, ready to end the scene. The Cameraman touches her arm.

Cameraman: No! Not now. Maybe it'll get good.

Judge Udo turns an eye toward the pair

Kier: What was that?

Cameraman: (nervously)Nothing. Honey.

Kier: Don't Honey me. You know I hate that.

Bobcat: (sings) Honey bee, honey me, funny bee, funny me.

Rickman slaps himself in the face in disgust.

Rickman: Why do I bother?

Kier:I could have sworn I saw you having a tender moment with that, that, that floozy of a stage direction.

Cut: I am no floozy. And you should treat him better. He deserves it.

Kier rises out of his seat

Kier: Who are you to tell me what to do? I ought to have you flayed and wear your skin as a fancy codpiece.

Cameraman: Pere Udo, no!

Rickman: Pere Udo?

Kier: You dare defy me? I, the living embodiment of the Infernal Court of Law? The very instrument of Satanic Vengeance? Whose your daddy?

The Cameraman cowers

Cameraman: You, precious.

Udo lifts a long, horrifyingly studded whip from underneath his pulpit.

Kier: Take off your shirt!

The cameraman looks at him with pleading eyes

Kier: Take it off!

The Cameraman complies, and Udo alights from the pulpit, fondling his whip.

Cut jumps in front of him

Cut: One more step, and I close this scene. Forever.
 
 
Captain Zoom
21:40 / 12.04.02
KIER: ( Eying Cut suspiciously ) You wouldn't dare.

CUT: Try me, Kier. You've over-acted every line you've been given in this scene. One more thundering pronouncement from you and it's done.

Kier lowers the whip and takes a step back.

KIER: So what do you propose?
 
  

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