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Spontaneous play

Page: (1)2

We're The Great Old Ones Now

10:55 / 06.02.02

In the 'Holiday' thread, I just posted this something random, and it struck me as a nice spontaneous beginning for a surreal bit of drama. So off we go:

Act 1, Scene (i):

Enter Udo Kier, Bobcat Goldthwaite and Peter Lorre, laughing; upon seeing the audience, they stop, and immediately conspire.

11:18 / 06.02.02

Goldthwaite steps forward to face the audience, and clears his throat.

Goldthwaite: AMERICA'S ONE OF THE FINEST COUNTRIES ANYONE EVER-

He is interrupted by Lorre, who runs forward, shaking his head and waving his hands

Lorre: NO, NO, NO! NOT LIKE THAT!

wembley can change in 28 days

16:06 / 07.02.02

Lorre wrings his hands and continues on in a distressed-manic fashion as Kier stares into the camera as intensely as possible.

Lorre: I love it when he does that, don't you?

Less searchable M0rd4nt

19:51 / 07.02.02

Kier: Tonight I'd like to talk to you about... Thompson's Waterseal. Do you have a flat roof?

Camera pulls in; Kier's stare intensifies.

Kier: Let's face it- it's going to leak.

The Knowledge +1

19:56 / 07.02.02

Bobbcat: Where's meeee washboard? Hey? Hey?

wembley can change in 28 days

01:40 / 08.02.02

Not to upset the rhythm here, but:

quote:Originally posted by Mordant C@rnival:

Camera pulls in; Kier's stare intensifies.

Oy! It's a play! Cameras? We don't neeeed no steeeenkeeeeing cameras! (Possibly said by Lorre)

[ 08-02-2002: Message edited by: wembley ]

We're The Great Old Ones Now

10:04 / 08.02.02

[Objections and discussions in the 'creation notes, thread, please. These messages will be edited for streamlining later.

To resolve the issue, it should be assumed that the cameraman is a character in the play. Thank you.]

Lorre places a fatherly hand on Bobcat and draws him aside, as Kier and the Cameraman argue about angles.

Kier: I don't like that. You can see up my damn nose from there.

Cameraman: We agreed this shot, Mr. Kier.

Kier: It's like being in the damn factory again. Andy Warhol and his truth, Udo's nose must be carefully scrutinised. Well, not for you.

Camerman: We'll try it again.

The lights dim on him, and we move to Lorre and Goldthwaite:

Lorre: You know, if you want everyone's attention, you can whisper. You have a great whisper. This yelp, Bobcat, it's not right, it's like a dog, yelping is awful for the digestion.

Bobcat: Well, I don't know, my girlfriend kinda likes it.

Lorre: Women! Art over women, Bobcat, art over women.

[ 08-02-2002: Message edited by: Nick ]

12:52 / 08.02.02

WOMAN enters, singing.

Woman: A winter's day... in a deep and dark December....

Lorre (slapping Bobcat): You see? You fool, do you see what I am saying?

Woman (to Bobcat): Honey, who is that strange little man?

Bobcat: Hi sweetie. This is Peter. From work.

Lorre (unctuously): Pleased to make your acquaintance, Miss.

The Knowledge +1

12:57 / 08.02.02

WOMAN: Oh I do hope you can help me ye three kind and lovely gentlemen. I'm looking for my penis, and have heard tell it is around these parts...

The WOMAN lifts her skirt up, and lays a large egg.

13:49 / 08.02.02

Bobcat: Shit! Honey, have you been drinking again? BECAUSE YOU KNOW HOW IT MAKES ME FEEL WHEN YOU DO STUFF LIKE THIS!

We're The Great Old Ones Now

14:43 / 08.02.02

Kier, the Cameraman, and Lorre look at one another. They look at the egg. They look at the Woman. They look at Goldthwaite.

Goldthwaite: That kind of stuff happens to me all the time, man.

Kier: Well, you know, maybe you should be a little more selective about your personal relationships.

Goldthwaite: Why?

Kier and Lorre look at the Woman.

Goldthwaite: I don't even know her, man.

The Cameraman steps gingerly forward.

Cameraman: Hi, honey.

The Woman embraces him and the camera.

Lorre: That's not right.

17:47 / 08.02.02

Bobcat: Why not?

Udo: Because she is really a man.

Cameraman & Bobcat (unison): What??

Udo: You heard her. She had a penis. Are you recording this? She had. A penis.

Bobcat: Well, I never held it against her.

20:33 / 09.02.02

Lorre scuttles over to Udo, pop-eyed and sweating. The Cameraman backs away from the Woman, aghast.

Cameraman: Are--are you sure?

Udo: Certain. Saw enough of them in the Factory.

Lorre: Oh, yes. Murnau used to keep a couple around, too.

Udo: Weimar days, eh?

Lorre: Mm-hm. There was a street in Bremen we used to call the Menschenfraumitbratenkunstenwerkskeitstrasse. It was lousy with them.

[ 10-02-2002: Message edited by: Jack Fear ]

06:39 / 11.02.02

Woman: Oh, there it is!
Pointing, the woman exits the opposite side of stage

Bobcat looks at the egg
Bobcat: I sure am hungry!

We're The Great Old Ones Now

11:58 / 11.02.02

Blackout.

Scene ii.

A shack on the prairie. A wholesome dinner has been interrupted, a wounded Man lies on the table amidst the food. Mom and Dad stand back as Doc Lewis works on the injury and the Daughter brings towels.

Doc Lewis: Sir, I need some bandages and some liquor.

Mom: We have bandages, but we permit no alcohol.

Doc Lewis: Very reputable. Who's your most ungodly neighbour?

Pause.

Mom: Mr. Haggerty.

Doc Lewis: Well you go ask that evil drunkard for some of his booze, and you carry it into your dry house, across your clean threshhold, or this man will die a gangrenous death in your wholesome guestroom.

There is silence. Mom and Dad look at each other, and Dad nods.

Dad: Yes, sir.

[ 14-02-2002: Message edited by: Nick ]

Less searchable M0rd4nt

12:39 / 11.02.02

Cut back to stage.

Kier's lip curls slightly. His stare is now so intense it's a hazard to low-flying aircraft.

Cameraman: Eurrrr. I mean, I know I'm supposed to symbolize, y'know, the the universal observer, that part of us which records the scene and comments upon it without ever having any real involvement in the action, standing as it does at one remove from the viscerial realities of human experience thus acheiving both a greater perspective but ironically losing some of the finer nuances availiable to those who are directly involved, but even I think that's a bit, well, yukky.

Kier: He has a point, Bob. You do realise (Pause) that penis or no penis, that egg has been up a lady's (pause)[i/]
front bottom?

[I]Camera moves even closer to Kier's face

Kier: (irritable) I do wish you wouldn't do that.

Cameraman: Well, pardon me for being a pop-cultural architype of perception versus reality.

[ 11-02-2002: Message edited by: Mordant C@rnival ]

13:08 / 14.02.02

Peter Lorre slides over to Doc Lewis, frozen in the other half of the stage.

Bobcat: Uh, I really don't think you're supposed to do that, man. It's like, you know, it's not allowed.

Peter Lorre ignores him, and nudges Doc Lewis awake.

13:54 / 15.02.02

Doc Lewis wakes up, shakes his head, and notices Lorre

Doc Lewis: You must be Haggerty. Well?

Lorre just stares at him bemusedly

Doc Lewis: Hand me the hooch, man, or Kaspar (motions toward the man on the table)here will be kneeling before the throne of God!

Bobcat: Is that some ham over by his elbow?

[ 15-02-2002: Message edited by: Mr. Todd ]

16:16 / 15.02.02

Doc Lewis and Lorre peer through the window, across the stage, at Bobcat who is now holding the large egg as if it were a small baby

Bobcat begins walking over to the house.
Bobcat (yelling): Hey! Is that ham or what?

Doc Lewis: What in tarnation?

Lorre: Oh, thats just Bobcat.

Doc Lewis: A bobcat? On the prarie? Thats ridiculous!

Lorre: Indeed.

Bobcat and egg enter the shack

19:26 / 15.02.02

Bobcat cracks egg over large pan, and begins throwing pieces of ham into the pan, then beats egg with a fork

Doc Lewis: Good lord, that was the biggest egg I've ever seen. What laid it?

Bobcat: My girlfriend. I'm the father.

Peter: Can you really call her your girlfriend if she has a penis?

Doc Lewis: Wait, you're not just eating your own child, but you're making an omlette out of it?

Bobcat: Don't worry, it's all right.

Doc Lewis: Why?

Bobcat: I'm pro-choice!

14:19 / 18.02.02

Mom: Get out of my house! You murderer!
(turning on the doctor)
And you! You call yourself a healer? First this demon liquor and now aiding and abetting the murder of innocents? For shame!!

Daughter enters, carrying towels.

Daughter: Mama! There'll be time enough for preaching when we've dealt with the boy here.

Mom: The time is always now, when it comes to wickedness, and I won't countenance it in my house.

Dad enters, breathless, holding a bottle of Listerine.

Dad: Haggerty wasn't home. You think this'll do, Doc? It's all I could find.

Doc: Provided I can get to the patient, yes, the Listerine should do nicely. Cleans spots, removes dandruff and, most importantly, kills the agents of infection.
May I?

Mom: As soon as that murderer leaves my kitchen with his bloody prize.

(beat)

Bobcat: It's only an omlette.

Udo: To you, perhaps. Cameraman, here. (indicating Bobcat) I want you to capture the agony on his face.

Bobcat grimaces and thrusts the plate at the camera.

Bobcat: Mmmm! It's a boy!

[ 18-02-2002: Message edited by: grant ]

Less searchable M0rd4nt

16:21 / 19.02.02

("Cut" is now a character. See Notes.)

Cut: (points to eggshell)

Cameraman: (pulls in for closeup of eggshell) Hey, this thing's got a barcode on it. And some writing... (reads slowly)Messiah version 2.0. Schedualed release date, January 2012.

Cut and Cameraman (exchange glances, then rush over to Bobcat Goldthwaite and glare at him)

Bobcat: Well, I'll be damned.

Lorre: And then some.

Bobcat: (Shrugs) Pass the salt, someone?

[ 19-02-2002: Message edited by: Mordant C@rnival ]

17:07 / 19.02.02

Lorre: So, my dear Bobcat, how does the Messiah taste?

Bobcat: Well, it surely is not kosher.
*Bobcat starts trembling. We hear the sound of thunder in the background. The lights start flashing*

Bobcat:T-t-the salt, p-please? (still trembling)

Lorre: Robert Loblaw Bobcat Goldwaithe, I *really* think you should stop eating this unholy... holy thing!

Bobcat:The salt shalt be passeth unto me!!

Cameraman: Are those verbs right?

[ 19-02-2002: Message edited by: Impostor de Jade ]

12:26 / 20.02.02

The injured man groans.

13:02 / 20.02.02

Bobcat (in a deep and booming voice): THIS HEARTY BREAKFAST IS MY BELOVED SON IN WHOM I AM PLEASED.

Udo: Danish skum!!!!!!!!

Cameraman: Hey, now is that really called for?

Udo: Is what really called for?

Lorre: Any of this!

Bobcat (in a deep and booming voice): UPON THIS BREAKFAST I SHALL BUILD MY CHURCH.

10:24 / 21.02.02

Cut sidles up behind Bobcat and begins to perform the Heimlich. With every heavy, Bobcat burps out a little more bible-like phrases.

Bobcat: was the son of Jobe...a great darkness one the face of the waters...spake unto Ezekiel and said...

Udo: Are you sure that's a good idea?

Cameraman: He's going to rupture.

Cameraman steps forward with the camera. Bobcat chokes, and spits out...a book. He holds it up.

Cut: The Third Testament?

Lorre: It's worth a fortune.

Kier: It's a disaster.

[ 21-02-2002: Message edited by: Good Will Hurting ]

11:04 / 21.02.02

The stage goes dark and the actors freeze. Church organ starts to play. A man dressed in something that resembles full Orthodox bishop regalia enters the stage. He's the narrator.

Narrator: And so, the Flesh was made Word, delivered into this world by a man named after a beast, so that a new Age of Lightness and Sweetness could sweep across the globe.

The organ plays again, and the stage goes fully dark.

[ 21-02-2002: Message edited by: Mr. Todd ]

Less searchable M0rd4nt

15:34 / 27.02.02

ACT 2
-----

Scene: A darkened, isolated corner of the stage. Cut and Cameraman are standing around idly.

Cameraman: (to Cut) You know, (pause) I've always fancied you.

Cut: Really? But I thought (pause) y'know, you and Udo Kier...

Cameraman: But Udo doesn't understand me! He doesn't make me feel like a whole symbolic figure. And I think- (pause) I think he's been seeing Bobcat behind my back.

Cut: No!

Cameraman: Yes. He's always comnig home late, reeking of Deep Heat. Oh, sure, he says he's making long confusing porno films with Richard Whitley, but I don't buy it. (Puts head in hands) Oh, Cut- I don't think I can bear to live a lie any longer!

Cut: (haltingly) I- I've always had a bit of a thing for you too, I suppose. I just kept quiet- because of Udo.

Cameraman: Truly?

Cut: Yeah. (long pause) So. Where do we go from here?

[ 27-02-2002: Message edited by: Mordant C@rnival ]

18:43 / 27.02.02

(Cameraman kisses Cut passionately)

Narrator(from off-stage): Cut! Cut!

Cut: What?

(Enter narrator, removing bishop drag)

Narrator: Oh, good, you're both here! We've got the big love scene at the church between Udo and Bobcat coming up and we need the two of you to play the congregation.

Cameraman: But... But... there was no love scene between Udo and Bobcat in my copy of the script....

Narrator: Yes, yes, it's just been added. What's wrong with you? You're not crying, are you?

Cameraman (running from the stage): No, I'm fine!

Narrator: Good, Cut, you ready?

Cut: Yes.

Narrator: Excellent, then take us to the next scene.

Cut: CUT!

19:02 / 27.02.02

Lights out.

Up to reveal the Midwestern family, as before, over the injured man.

DOC: This looks bad.

DAUGHTER: Bad? How... How bad?

DOC: The spear seems to have pierced here, between two ribs, and perforated a lung.

The injured man groans

11:39 / 28.02.02

WOUNDED MAN: (groaning) They travel via our saliva... someone... gotta stop them... They travel via our saliva... (dies)

DAD: For all that is sacred, this man didn't just die on my kitchen, did he?

DOCTOR: Of course not... (turns to the audience, with a knowing, sarcastic smile, and WINKS) He is just sleeping...

[ 28-02-2002: Message edited by: I'm Not Here de Jade ]

[ 28-02-2002: Message edited by: I'm Not Here de Jade ]

09:23 / 02.03.02

Dad: Well, he'll need a proper burial.

Daughter: But, Father, that would mean taking him to the authorities. How would we explain the spear wound?

Doctor: Not to mention the nail wounds in his hands and feet...

Dad: Well, tarnation, I don't care. This man has to be taken to a church and given a good christian funeral...

(enter peter lorre, panting and sweating)

Peter: Great Caesar's ghost! You won't believe what's happened! People are worshipping Bobcat! They've already built a church to him up on the hill. They say he's the second coming of Jesus Christ!

Daughter: Wow, that was fast.

(corpse of stigmata'd wounded man coughs, gives exasperated look to the audience, and goes back to being dead)

Doctor: Well, I suppose we could take him to Bobcat's church....

Dad: I suppose we have no choice.

mr insensitive

09:35 / 02.03.02

GOD: But you do, too!

GOD enters stage left.

PETER: Fu...Fu...Fucking hell...

GOD hovers his hands above the INJURED MAN and the wound magically heals.

DAD: My God! It's A MIRACLE!

DAUGHTER: Praise Allah!

The INJURED MAN remains dead. GOD looks rather dissappointed.

DAD: That's no good God! YOU NEED TO BRING HIM BACK FROM THE DEAD!

GOD shruggs his shoulders.

DAUGHTER: Let's...let's get them injuns! It hasta have bin them!

[ 06-03-2002: Message edited by: Nick ]

We're The Great Old Ones Now

05:54 / 04.03.02

Three Indians burst through the door. They wear business suits and carry cellular phones. They are swearing loudly, pursued by something terrifying.

DAD: What the Hell?

GOD: Silence! I am communing with myself.

Falls over, passes out.

FIRST INDIAN: Shut up! He's coming! He's got arrows and stuff.

SECOND INDIAN: It's your fault.

FIRST INDIAN: It so is not.

THIRD INDIAN: He's coming.

The Narrator enters quietly from the next room.

Narrator: And indeed he is. Armed and armoured, the mighty scourge approaches. Not one of the brave Indians can defeat him, nor hope to resist his might. Good Christians are helpless, and God himself slumbers in a drugged haze on the floor. And behold: the Beast.

Enter Alan Rickman, dressed in Indian Chief's head dress and Armani.

RICKMAN: What am I doing here? And why on Earth am I wearing this ridiculous headdress? You?

He points at the Third Indian, who expires instantly.

RICKMAN: Oh, good grief.

13:40 / 04.03.02

The Narrator adjusts his vestments, prepares to exit, but is stopped by Rickman.

RICKMAN: Hello! Are you the one responsible for all this... this rubbish?

NARRATOR: No, I'm just the Narrator.

RICKMAN: The what?

NARRATOR: The narrator. My commentary links scene to scene, providing necessary exposition and clarifying the progress of the plot, such as it is.

RICKMAN: I must be dreaming. This is all an awful dream.

NARRATOR: In film, of course, this function would be carried out by movements of the camera...

...Enter Cameraman, looking confused, as if just pushed onto stage...

NARRATOR: ...and the film editor, with devices such as the fade or the cut.

RICKMAN: The cut?

(beat)

NARRATOR: The cut. Cut!

Rickman jumps, startled by the Narrator's sudden vehemence. Enter Cut, looking rushed, as if racing to make the cue.

CUT: Sorry, sorry. Are we changing scenes yet?

NARRATOR: Yes, yes we are. If you would be so kind.

RICKMAN & DOCTOR: Wait just a minute!

RICKMAN: Who are you?

DOCTOR: I'm a doctor. This man has died. Not even God Himself could bring him back. You, mister Indian, have some explaining to do!

RICKMAN (to Narrator): He's a religious nut, isn't he.

NARRATOR: No, I'm afraid not.

RICKMAN: What?

FIRST INDIAN: He's not one of us.

SECOND INDIAN: Not at all. We swear.

FIRST INDIAN: He just showed up in the casino a few hours ago.

DAUGHTER: The casino? But the reservation is... is miles from here.

FIRST INDIAN: You know where we are?

He opens a briefcase and begins fumbling for a map.

SECOND INDIAN: I told you we should have taken the Lawrence exit. Now we're going to be late!

FIRST INDIAN (pointing to Rickman): Well, I told you we should have kicked him out of the limo before we even started.

RICKMAN: That was MY limousine!

Enter the Mother, looking irate.

MOTHER: Which one of you misbehaving neer-do-wells drove onto my summer squash patch?

GOD (waking Himself): Uh oh. There's going to be Hell to pay now....

Cameraman and Cut look to each other, nod, and exeunt rapidly.

Dad, wringing his hands, attempts first aid on Daughter, who is breathing heavily, slumped in a chair, bleeding.

[ 04-03-2002: Message edited by: grant ]

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