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Underground > Creation >

What I did on My Holiday

  
  

Page: (1)23

 
 
Saveloy
15:29 / 01.02.02
Another one-sentence-at-a-time story. Use this one for ridiculous nonsense, absurd silliness and challenging "write your way out of that" cliff-hangers. The rules are:

- one sentence per post
- post as often as you like, but never two in a row
- no use of drugs to explain away oddness
- no self-referencing (you know what I mean: sly winks at the reader, author jumping into story etc)
-------------------------------------------------------------------------


Finding myself with nothing to do that day, and not having explored my new home properly since the move, I opened the front door and went for a walk.

[ 01-02-2002: Message edited by: Saveloy ]
 
 
Persephone
15:40 / 01.02.02
Immediately I tripped on a snake, which lifted its spade-shaped head and glared at me.
 
 
Laughing
16:01 / 01.02.02
"Hey, get away from my snake!", shouted Mr. Flecker, the kindly albino sasquatch from next foor.
 
 
Warewullf
19:44 / 03.02.02
"Kiss my ass, Flecker", I snarled as I caved his bumpy head in with one of the small ornimental tortoises that inexplicably gathered in his front garden every morning.
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
20:06 / 03.02.02
I glanced down as I felt the tortiose's shell split with the force of the blow- to my horror, it was leaking a vile, faintly luminous blue slime that smelled strongly of...
 
 
Saveloy
10:06 / 04.02.02
...Flecker's wife, Sally, who had helped me unload the van last weekend and filled me in on the local gossip.

[ 04-02-2002: Message edited by: Saveloy ]
 
 
We're The Great Old Ones Now
11:12 / 04.02.02
People from other Foors can be like that - they lose cohesion and drift into other shapes quite readily, because out-foorish dna doesn't function properly in our world.
 
 
Ganesh
11:17 / 04.02.02
Now curious, I eased both thumbs into the softly-pulsing fissure and prised the reptile apart like a stubborn bivalve.
 
 
Sax
11:25 / 04.02.02
It came apart with the agreeable sound of a pistachio nut breaking, and inside I saw not the guts and offal I was expecting, but a clean cavity in which rested a piece of paper, imprinted with one clear sentence.
 
 
Ethan Hawke
11:31 / 04.02.02
"50% off gardening supplies at True Value Hardware"
 
 
Matthew Fluxington
12:26 / 04.02.02
Naturally, I got on my vespa and headed to the nearest True Value Hardware, which was an hour's drive from where I stood.

[ 04-02-2002: Message edited by: Flux = Fauxhemian ]
 
 
Persephone
12:36 / 04.02.02
Half an hour into the drive, I noticed that the snake was following.
 
 
lentil
12:36 / 04.02.02
My last visit to True Value Hardware had left me with a memory of an unprepossessing, shambolic operation redeemed only by reasonable pricing and attractive counter staff, so you can imagine my surprise upon arriving outside the new multimillion dollar Enron - sponsored facade.
 
 
Ganesh
13:37 / 04.02.02
A u-turn and three hairpins had lost the snake but the carpark was crawling with more tortoises - what was it with the reptiles?
 
 
lentil
13:55 / 04.02.02
Fortunately a half price garden chair was exactly what Outback Arnie had recommended for dispatching said beasts - all I had to do was beat the clamouring queues.
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
13:59 / 04.02.02
To my delight, I espied an almost-empty checkout with a "four deckchairs or less" sign lit, just across the room - though it was only as I got closer that I noted the acid-filled moat surrounding it.

[ 04-02-2002: Message edited by: The Return Of Rothkoid ]
 
 
rizla mission
14:25 / 04.02.02
Being an individual with whom the word 'resourceful' is often associated, my first impulse was naturally to form my deckchairs into a makeshift bridge, that I may cross the steaming, hydrochloric chasm and pay for my half-priced goods.
 
 
Ethan Hawke
14:34 / 04.02.02
I soon realized, that I could just as easily I could stack the innumerable tortoises in the parking lot to form a support for the entire universe, and that would be a far better use of my time, as an unsupported universe is just no good for anyone.
 
 
Eloi Tsabaoth
14:35 / 04.02.02
The Tortoises, being a species particularly difficult to stack, proved to be not the best material for my Universal Support Bridge, and when the Troops of the RSPCA Black Ops arrived, I started to regret my use of six inch steel bolts on the little fellas.

[ 04-02-2002: Message edited by: BizCo ]
 
 
rizla mission
14:59 / 04.02.02
"Well," I pleaded in my defense as the appalled charity workers gestured menacingly at me with tranquilliser guns and those scary claw-like things that they probably don't use to pick up naughty dogs anymore, "someone's got to do something about these bastards! Ipswitch is positively overrun by them! Surely, they must have been awarded official 'pest' status by now? I'm only trying to assemble the lazy sods into something useful!"
 
 
Saveloy
15:24 / 04.02.02
*EXCITING NEW RULE*

Continue the same story (!) but for the next 10 posts: each one to be MORE DEPRESSING THAN THE LAST. The tenth poster gets to select the next rule...

[ 04-02-2002: Message edited by: Saveloy ]
 
 
Ethan Hawke
15:29 / 04.02.02
"Yes, we respect that impulse," replied the major domo of the charity workers, "but did you have to brain each turtle against the boot of a car before stacking it?"
 
 
Matthew Fluxington
15:42 / 04.02.02
"I am not in control of my actions, officer" I replied. "My mind continues to deteriorate due to my terminal brain tumor!"
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
16:18 / 04.02.02
No sympathy was forthcoming: instead, I watched apprehensively as the major-domo pulled an animatronic Mary Whitehouse doll from inside hir back-pocket, and set it on "super-lecture".
 
 
Ganesh
16:34 / 04.02.02
"Your tumour is making you hallucinate," she said sternly; my visual reality flickered, revealing that 'Mary Whitehouse' was in fact a weeping, distraught pet-shop owner and the 'tortoises' a seeping pile of kittens and puppies I had inadvertently slaughtered.
 
 
Darryl Strawberry
16:36 / 04.02.02
Now I remembered: all of the puppies and kitties also had brain tumors, and I was desparately trying to save them.
 
 
Ganesh
16:42 / 04.02.02
The silence was broken only by 'Mary's' sobbing and the distant sound of a television set tuned to 'Pop Idol': little gap-toothed Gareth's desperate stammering accompanying the animals' piteous death throes.
 
 
Ethan Hawke
16:46 / 04.02.02
I watched mutely as Mary took an urn down from the mantelpiece and crushed the head of a still-twitching puppy.
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
18:19 / 04.02.02
In triumph, she threw back her head, gargling in some blasphemous tongue the forbidden litany of an unspeakable religion, practiced only by an abominable people long since wiped out by the righteous flaming sword of the Empire "Io,...
 
 
Eloi Tsabaoth
19:23 / 04.02.02
My mobile rang, and on answering heard my wife whisper the words "I've been having an affair with Jim Davidson... and when you're asleep I let him have his way with you..."
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
20:09 / 04.02.02
I felt a soft tap on my back: it seemed that not only was this a deeply unpleasant interlude, it was also being covertly filmed for a relaunch of Beadle's About - Jeremy's grinning mug swam through my eyes.
 
 
Eloi Tsabaoth
10:23 / 05.02.02
OK, now you think up the new rule...
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
10:30 / 05.02.02
*The next ten posts must increase the laziness quotient of the narrative.*
 
 
Kitten Caboodle
10:38 / 05.02.02
My prize for being part of the bearded bastard's cruel-prank series was a boxed set of the entire run on DVD, plus a home cinema to watch them on: eighty solid hours of video mishap pleasure awaited me.

[ 05-02-2002: Message edited by: Kitten Caboodle ]
 
 
Ganesh
10:42 / 05.02.02
Compassion fatigue set in and I just couldn't be arsed caring any more; I shrugged, turned on my heel and sloped out.
 
  

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