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12:05 / 17.09.01

Being Phase 1 of a Surrealist exercise. At the end of this week, remarkable truths will be revealed.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
A green glass bottle on the shore, frosted by time and tide.

Strutting around Ocho Rios in a military-style red beret.

Because the Flyboy is in Portugal.

It is the sound of a thousand kids with guitars.

A fungus found in the folds of old umbrellas.

Doctor Sax

12:54 / 17.09.01

- Two thousand red ants marching in triangular formation through a silent forest.

- A Mexican with a limp.

- No, because water goes down the plughole in a clockwise direction in the Northern Hemisphere.

- British Racing Green.

- A gleaming red Barchetta, from another, vanished time.

13:09 / 17.09.01

Because his mother caught the flu when he was nursing, and her milk dried up for two days.

It's about 2.6 million times the mass of the Sun.

It's reserved for the end of next week, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.

It's based on a short story which appeared in Playboy, written by Richard Matheson.

Garlic seems to help most of the time, although some recommend fennel seeds and a dash of cayenne.

Chicken pox.

He was gay, mourning the death of his mentor and lover.

nice Noise Addict reference, by the way

13:31 / 17.09.01

-Because your mother said so.

-It is still possible for the disease to be transmitted under these conditions.

-When you get to the start screen, press Up, Up, Down, Down, Left, Right, Left, Right, A, B, A, B, Select, Start on your controller.

-The stainless steel colander.

-Nobody has gotten more than 19 in a season.

-Don't worry, it happens to lots of guys.

[ 17-09-2001: Message edited by: todd ]

We're The Great Old Ones Now

15:48 / 17.09.01

No, thanks, I just ate.

He misplaced several of them in 1945, crossing Lake Toplitz.

Well, it's satisfyingly broad, but a bit stubby.

Only in Chuton Mendip.

Orange, and silver, but there are assonances.

Copy editing, although I've never seen it happen that way.

The Return Of Rothkoid

17:28 / 17.09.01

-By donkey, but only before the rainy season.

-Remove the wire cage surrounding the light, and discard.

-Captain James Cook.

-By being horsewhipped in the street by Lola Montez.

-The third door on the left, just past the ballroom.

[ 17-09-2001: Message edited by: Rothkoid ]

20:39 / 17.09.01

- The cows are suffused by celestial shades of citrus.

- Not that way (see below).

- I have it on tape.

- He's got a lumber, in his plastic receptacle.

- Two moistly succulent dastards.

- Number Twelve will, before it spurts.

Lurker in the corner

02:39 / 18.09.01

Because I said so, that's why!

If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you.

I can't believe you asked me that!

03:49 / 18.09.01

Because I took a bullet for her.

5.3 people.

Dental floss, triple wound, and avacodo seeds.

That's fine, just don't try it without first eating these documents.

Sheepskin, lace up knee high boots, with paisely trim and slow release deodourant pellets.

04:15 / 18.09.01

Not if properly prepared.

Concentrate and ask again.

None by one, son by two.

Evaporative cooling on the outside; pV=nRT, evaporation/condensation, and gravity on the inside.

10:43 / 18.09.01

no, there wasnt enough milk to go round that time

89 but 47 on a leap year

of course

fat ants

i bought it at Glastonbry and wear it when ever i get a hang over or am tired

11:15 / 18.09.01

Gin and tonic.

The spoon.

12:46 / 18.09.01

It's called 'Dr. Shock and the University of Stump'. I'm pretty sure it's out of print.

1943.

Bicycle clips should be available from your friendly local drugstore.

Consider the Lilly.

Go see Evan Dando, he'll sort you out.

A sheet of pure white flaming terror.

Alan Moore wrote the mini-series apparently, but it never saw the light of day.

Life is ambiguous, get used to it.

I keep mine in a small clay pot with 'moorland Mead' written on it.

Smell, usually.

A great, great deal, my boy.

Sharks. They're fucking scary.

If you don't know, you never will.

I don't know.

It's based on the principle that if you rotate a funnel fast enough, the molecules inside will get sick.

Check the tread on your tires.

Well, bear in mind he was undergoing treament for Hyperthermia when he said that.

It just sat there, looking.

12:50 / 18.09.01

He has a magic arse.

Sausage, chips and beans.

"Alright luv, got any nuts?"

It's sort of a cross between rugby and accountancy.

Place a blank sheet of paper in an unmarked envelope and post it the wrong way (ie out)through your own letter box. You'll be amazed.

They were all the subject of an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical.

Soil.

He'd been up all night playing Quake.

Because you need it to comb your hair.

A coffin full of wizards.

Holes held together with spit.

They weave gossamer webs of sticky silk between branches and in the corners of rooms to trap flies, which they paralyse, wrap in a silky cocoon and suck the goodness from.

He's washing his hair.

Mostly plywood with a waterproof plastic coating.

'Favourite Sexual Positions', 'Which is Better: Tennents Super or Meths?', and 'The Biggest Smell I Ever Made'

Because it's not mine.

A garden fork lying next to a trombone.

They can smell fear.

[ 18-09-2001: Message edited by: Saveloy ]

13:24 / 18.09.01

-It will fit sideways I'm sure of it.

- Thurston Moore's bunny hat.

- Yes, but why are you the Daddy?

- top of the stairs, straight on.

- Because I seem to be the only man who ever washes their hands after taking a piss.

- More lubricant and then a sharp twist and you'll have it off in no time.

- Thin Lizzy.

- Robert Graves, I, Claudius.

- It tasted a bit like Strawberry Sherbert

- I've never been able to find a bra my size

- The first hint was a weird burning sensation along the Hong Kong/France border in 1982 and then it went septic so the Doobie Brothers were called in to provide support whilst Peter's and Lee headlined.

14:25 / 18.09.01

The souls of dead sailors.

Before the moon falls.

A laugh so dirty it's delivered to your ears in a plain brown envelope.

Just before the 15th orgasm.

It's what keeps the bones of your skull together.

Mount Etna would go into reverse and suck up the atmosphere, the sea and everything else that isn't nailed down.

The production of red blood cells.

The same person who wrote 'The Love Boat'

The cabin rapidly depressurises and you get blown out into space.

A tiny transparent tomb for a banana.

I just looked at the back of my hand and screamed.

An amphibious city, colonisation of the sun, a catsuit made of cream and a completely new shape.

"The sky is too small!"

'Forbidden Love: the Royal Air Force, 1918 - 58'

It got frightened and ran off into the woods where it built a nest in the trees and had sixteen babies, all out of one egg.

[ 18-09-2001: Message edited by: Saveloy ]

The One Eyed King

20:29 / 18.09.01

Blue

To Dangerous. You'll die for sure.

No thank you. I like them where they are.

Mordant Carnival

09:01 / 19.09.01

V=IR
The capital of Iceland.
Yes, he did.
No, they won't.
A yard.
Blue with white faux-fur trim.
Chocolate.
Considerable.
Colonel Mustard, in the fetching lilac PVC number, with the orange soaked in poppers.

09:01 / 19.09.01

That's for me to know, and for you to find out.

Months with an 'r' are considered unsafe.

First, and foremost of importance: if you experience pain at all, then you absolutely need to go see a doctor.

It's the 16 oz. steak-with-three-eggs-over-easy-double-hashbrowns-and-a-keg-o-beer eating Aikidoist.

For a decent working sword, expect to part with at least $1,000.

Learn, learn, learn.

If not, this is a clue that the point was reshaped after a chip or break.

You need a broker who knows how to purchase these stocks and dicker for a good price.

Force through intelligence.

He was best known for his many works of science fiction.

Most went under, consolidated, or were sold to European and Japanese companies.

Yes, we can produce additional certificates for a fee of $25.

Whether she actually did any of these things is questionable.

It was banned in the 19th century, and the last castrato in the Western World died in 1922.

09:01 / 19.09.01

look it up dear

oh cource she was, everyone has guested on 7th Heaven at one time or another

yeah but it's a rerelease w/ some bunos tracks

you have to ride the elevator up to the top and jump on to the bricks and run to the right past the exit to get there

A baboon in scary leather pants

09:01 / 19.09.01

Because they are greedy corporate scum

Plastic explosives

Because William Shatner is a comic genius

I think that's his butt

09:01 / 19.09.01

Most people prefer not to, at least in public.

First thought of in a hot bath in Tuscany, 1972, but not executed until last Wednesday.

They're just hungry, and they know you're a soft touch.

Probably not.

It's purely hormonal.

When enough neurons fire simultaneously, the system overloads and produces empirically erroneous data. This phenomenon is better known as 'love.'

The tao that can be described is not the real tao.

09:01 / 19.09.01

It's about optical networks and it's pretty high level geeky, but if you sit down I'll explain

Because my sister used to wear it but only when she was in a bad mood, and so her boyfriend hates it

Because i said so, that's why

It's down there, under the table, where you left it

If you go south towards Te Awamutu and stop in the little shop at Mercer, they have it in there, with cumin seeds

Well, her running shoe pinches her foot and she thinks that somehow connects to her arm and makes it go to sleep when she runs. Which is obviously awkward.

because i'm bored.....

09:01 / 19.09.01

Love is all you need.

Digging my fingernails into the armpit of Amerika.

Whenever I find things organised, I disorganise them.

Sexuality is to feminism what work is to marxism.

History will never be rid of dates.

When you have police everything looks queer.

09:01 / 19.09.01

skidmark beige.

I'm not telling.

You uncrease the sensitivity, markedly, quite markedly . . .OK its fantastic.

Because its powerful stuff.

Six unches below your navel.

Don't care.

This, that and nothing.

Go for your life, tiger.

Obviously.

Of sharing cocaine with Captain Beefheart and Sigmund Freud.

The future has been performing better this term. Some assessment tasks were late (better late than never), some unfortunately were never submitted. Could do better. I have spoken with Ms Lobe de Fuller, the form mistress, and we have decided to separate your little one from a couple of bad influences, namely past and present. We expect better results due to this separation, but overall a hopeful outlook.

Hamfisted, glamorous melodrama in serial form, in the comfort of your kitchen/living room/ jacuzzi is more engaging than knitting cardigans and helicopter pilots.

Because, really, I just wanna get back to the womb of my mother.

Time has no nature.

13:11 / 19.09.01

Yes.

No.

Because it was there.

Godwin's Cabalistic Encyclopedia, page 216.

Le Hammond Inferno

Two Blacksmiths

Some cats, a parrot and a chimp.

Milk.

14:28 / 19.09.01

A conspiracy of ham and gristle.

A 30 square mile area of hills and valleys made entirely of bricks and mortar. They are sparsely populated by trees made of ceramic pipe - clouds are manufactured deep within the hills and pumped into the sky via the trees.

Novels in the form of cigarettes, you smoke them through your eyes in your sleep.

Of course. Because you can't make an omlette without busting some ass! Right?

No, it was stolen by amateur gynacologists.

Yes, for it is the will of Landru!

No. And sadly, you will die from the lack of it.

Yes, and it will cause the death of a million baby seals.

No, your mother wouldn't allow it.

Yes, in fact I'm wearing one right now.

No! Your grandmother forbade it with her dying breath.

Yes, it was used to assassinate the King of Luxembourg.

No, a disaster for which we all will pay the price.

Yes, or better still, a hair-piece.

No, though Dolly Parton came close with 'Stand By Your Man'.

Yes, let's hope it cures your acne.

No, it tickled and we fell off from laughing so much.

Yes, follow me up this ladder and I'll show you.

[ 19-09-2001: Message edited by: Saveloy ]

15:31 / 19.09.01

Becuse you can only build water with Aztec Q-tips and bumble bee tuna.

It was the cat's idea.

no.

only on a friday afternoon.

Look underneath the wrappings of Trailer Trash and lactating barbie.

only if you ask the Jabberwok really really nicelly.

only while chanting such sermons and rabbiting chunckles as "gabba gabba hey" and "i am the Ape man"

Ask the Owl

speaking of which it's 5

The Meaning of life? .oh well thats quite a simple one really. it has to do with sock puppets but then it's all very hush hush

and Area 51 is not this way ----->

17:57 / 19.09.01

When pigs fly, you turkey-neck dunderhead!

Mordant Carnival

19:12 / 19.09.01

When the kid next door walks on the Moon.

The One Eyed King

20:00 / 19.09.01

Go ahead. It's not my hand...

Yes I will really stab you if you don't get off my leg.

7.

You just asked me that.

Tuna Ghost: Pratt knot hero

23:17 / 19.09.01

Lee Van Cleef

Because Rommel was too dangerous

Not as many as you'd think, reallly

It means "go fuck yourself"

Not for less than 60 dollars

Because cable could cater to local tastes due to it's local nature. Also, it was almost always a better reception, which put it ahead of the broadcast networks so far as popularity.

Becuase if I don't, I'll die in four days

Because if I don't, I'll end up sleeping with your mother

07:34 / 20.09.01

Nobody knows; they were sold to a foreign power before anyone realised what they were.

An animal that reproduces by allowing itself to be eaten

[Following are all seperate answers]
A volcano
A Ford Capri
A bubble
A fence
A monkey
A pin
A brothel
A bush
A meteor
A rocking chair
A cloud
A clown
A molecule
A moustache
A fart
A two-fisted bishop from Hellcat city
Astronomy
Science
All our hopes and fears
The future
The past
Nostalgia
Suburbia
David Bowie
Ming the Merciless
Flash Gordon
The Pope
Buddha
William Shatner
Popeye
Mickey Mouse
Porky Pig
Elmer Fudd
The Powerpuff Girls
A huge great f***-off gorrilla with a bazooka

07:34 / 20.09.01

Behind you
Behind the Sofa
The base of your skull
Bournemouth
Between the layers of an onion
500 miles underground
Between hither and yon
600 foot above the Eiffel Tower
Margate

07:34 / 20.09.01

[Got enough answers yet, Jack?]

Because they couldn't find a needle in a haystack
Because they are obsessed with sex
Because they think it's funny to be silly
Because they think it's big and clever, and it is
Because you couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery
Because you didn't finish your homework
Because you wouldn't know a decent tune if it bit you on the arse
Because you're not wearing a tie - smarten yourself up!
Because he couldn't remember his lines
Because he can't see at night
Because she sleeps during the day
Because she fell foul of the licensing laws
Because she can't stand the smell
Because I couldn't squeeze it all in
Because I know exactly what you're doing and I don't like it
Because we only have a thousand years to go
Because my alarm didn't go off
Because my hair is on fire
Because your dog is on fire
Because her cheque didn't clear in time
Because his beard says 'angst'
Because his trousers are too tight
Because their faces look the same upside down
Because their faeces come out sideways
Because their eyes are bigger than their testicles
Because nobody goes home till every plate has been licked clean
Because the air is filled with children
Because the Incredible Hulk won't take "nooooo!" for an answer
Because the dog ate it
Because the adder is Britain's only venomous snake
Because there are only 3 weeks left
Because there hasn't been a war for at least a week
Because there are no hedgehogs in Ireland
Because tomato ketchup wasn't around then
Because the internet was still in its infancy
Because flesh turns to wood overnight
Because it doesn't exist
Because it's a cheap imitation of the real thing

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