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Underground > Creation >

Nonsense poetry - the revenge!

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Whisky Priestess

21:02 / 21.08.01

No reason really, I just love the stuff. And I found this one in my bag the other day. Enjoy. Add. Respond. Slash.

Don't Give Me That Carp!

I used to like my goldfish, used to think that we were mates
We had marvellous times together, sharing loves and laughs and hates
I had won him at a funfair in the dim and distant past
And I felt that our relationship was truly meant to last.

Well, I don't mean to be bitchy, but I think it’s pretty low
For my so-called friend to ditch me – why? You really want to know?
Well I'll tell you. Wasn't sex or drugs or fighting over rent:
There's a much more venal reason why my little goldfish went.

It was money, pure and simple. Though I met his every need
I suppose he was a gold fish with ambitions still to feed:
But I really couldn't hack it when I saw him in my tweeds
And my interviewing jacket (slightly stained by flakes and weeds).

There may be no law against it, and I'm not a speciesist
But there are some innovations that I think we should resist:
One of these is giving management consultant jobs to fish.
(I'm all for equal opportunities but that just takes the piss.)

So he started at Accenture and he left me on my own:
In his capital adventure he preferred to be alone.
Bounced the emails that I sent, yeah, and turned off his mobile phone –
Saw him lunching with backbenchers in Titanic. I was thrown.

After all that I had done for him he wouldn't take my calls!
All his lackeys sent me packing when I chased him down the halls
Of Accenture. "In a meeting," was the answer (load of balls)
I was trying to build bridges: he was busy building walls.

And the worst thing was the papers: he was always in the press.
"Golden Goldfish Tipped For Rich List" – going to premieres in that dress:
I just couldn’t get away. The Guardian said he had finesse.
"No, that's FINS!" I yelled, and nearly bought the Mail in my distress.

So my fish is very popular and I am very poor
Since the nicest landlords drop ya if you punch holes in the door
(Think I might just move to Skopje, and prepare myself for war.)
Say I'm carping – I can't stop ya – but I can’t take any more!

FIN

00:42 / 23.08.01

bottom brush,
O bottom brush.
How brown thou art.

Keeping clean,
Crack unseen.

18:55 / 31.08.01

Ooh goody! Poetry in MY style!

I've got a story, a story to tell
It's basted in lemon and wine
It's rather gory (as gory as hell)
So I wrapped it in leather and twine

I told it one night, one night in a box
While the otters played banjos and flutes
Until one picked a fight - a fight with a fox
With a passion for custom-made suits

The next time I told it, I told it from spite
To a man made of cobwebs and foam
He asked me to fold it, to fold it up tight
And to send it to Caesar in Rome

And now I sit here, I sit here all alone
And try to remember it all
It started with beer and a man on a throne
But the rest I just cannot recall

23:38 / 01.09.01

For I am the Elephant

It wasn't a dog, it's wasn't a tree
It was merely a BARK, oh fabulous three

My girls of the ocean: tell me a joke
My boys of the flowers: I NEED SOME DAMN COKE
It was all just a test that my nipples would pass
STICK YOUR FIST UP THE ELEPHANTS ASS
For I am the elephant, zoo contribution
Worlds finest sheep of the new evolution
Communist hippies who like to play chess?
Buy them some roses, ok? Nothing less!

It wasn't a dog, it wasn't a tree
It was merely a BARK, oh fabulous three

12:39 / 05.09.01

Nice!

16:40 / 05.09.01

I Knock On A Door And A Lobster Answers And Then Things Happen And The Lobster Dies

Once or twice I knocked on the door
And each time the answer was as before
I heard footsteps shuffling
I heard angry words
I saw lots of nothings
And read lots of "fnords"
Then finally,
on the third try,
someone's answered the door
In front of me stood a lobster
And he said "Bon Jour,
I am Le Lobster, I live in this hut,
If you'll try to boil me I'll snap off your nut,
If you try to trick me I'll drown you first thing
If you want anything else just give me a ring!"
And he shut the door in my face.
I knocked once more
And when he opened the door
I said "What disgrace!
You've insulted my face,
as well as the rest,
you snithering pest!
I'll eat you in jest
Though you are hard to digest!"
The lobster looked on,
A response did he lack,
Then he fell down on the ground
A large knife in his back.
So I picked him up and put him in a sack.
Who killed him to this day I don't know
But mind you it has caused neither of us any sorrow
Now excuse me for I do not want to be late
I must consume the food that lies on my plate.

16:46 / 05.09.01

The Door Is Ajar

"The door is ajar."
So which one is it?
A door? Or a jar?
The problem gave me a fit.
"Fuck it!", I said,
"It's all simply shit!"
And that's all it is.

The Return Of Rothkoid

09:57 / 06.09.01

There's a Yeti in the settee
I can feel him when I sit.
There's a Yeti in the settee
And I don't like it a bit.
There's a Yeti in the settee
I don't believe we're introduced.
There's a Yeti in the settee
'til last Tuesday, t'was a moose.

I moved a cushion, just to look in
On the yeti 'neath the seat
He was cowering and a quiverin'
Though I brandished Yeti Treats
I doffed my cap towards him
The hairy little blighter
But he nestled even further in
So I poked him with my Mitre.

"Dear Yeti," I entreated,
To the pair of peering eyes
"Come closer to me, dearie!
Come and claim this little prize!"
So I waved in front of his snout
A bigger pack of Yeti Treats
And I sniffed, smiled, and suggested
That they'd be quite nice to eat.

Well, the Yeti's hunger drove him
Out from underneath that cushion.
It drove him t'wards the Yeti Treats
He leapt out without lookin'!
He lept a mighty, animal leap
It filled my heart to see it
T'was then I used the flamethrower
Did that Yeti just say "shee-it"?

There WAS a yeti in my settee
And I didn't like him a bit
There WAS a yeti in my settee
Though he's now a little crisp
There WAS a Yeti in my settee
He was a smelly little blighter
There was a Yeti in my settee
But he's fell foul of my big lighter.

(This is what happens when you don't eat enough through the day, kids. Pyromania and couchbound yetis. And no drugs, alas.)

Whisky Priestess

09:57 / 06.09.01

Hee hee. Needs a bit of scansion work but that's great. Maybe we should put out a little Revolting Rhymes booklet?

I might go away this afternoon and write another one: they're fun. A lot of them seem to be animal based so far. Anyone know a rhyme for giraffe?

10:53 / 06.09.01

Giraffe? Laugh. Or laff, if northern. Bath, baff etc.

[ 06-09-2001: Message edited by: Saveloy ]

The Return Of Rothkoid

11:31 / 06.09.01

Erk. In the harsh light of day, I see what you mean. As I say; banged out on the run, based on the fact that the word Yeti appeared in Enamon's profile. Yeeks. Shall work on it later.

I think the booklet thing's a neat idea, though. Beastly Barbelith Bestiary or some such. I don't know why animals turn up so regularly in these things; maybe it's because they're easily described as exotic, or are just stranger to imagine in the actions given? Dunno. I still like the idea of someone discovering a yeti underneath their lumpy couch cushion, though. It's pleasing.

13:25 / 06.09.01

1 2 3 4!

J Edgar Hoover is wearing a dress,
he tried to make dinner but just made a mess,
Alone in the office, Henry Rollins on TV, his records cost money - oh why is nothing free?
Aggression, thinks Hoover, gets old pretty quick
No wonder everyone thinks I'm a dick!

That was the moment he decided to die,
he didn't write a note and he sure didn't cry,
just opened the window and learned how to fly..

But that's not the truth, I hear you all mutter,
Who is this 'poet', some punk from the gutter?
Oh no, my friends, it's much worse than that,
I can see you through the eyes of your black and white cat,
I can Led like a Zepplin and sing like a bee,
'twas I who put Rollins on that TV!
'twas I who told Buddy to get on that plane!
'twas I who put monsters in Nixons brain!

'twas I who sold smack to old Mr. Iggy!
'twas I who kneecapped Will Smith (stopped the bugger gettin' jiggy!)
'twas I who fell foul of the law in Peru,
for importing records by the So Solid Crew
'twas I who they put in the stocks for eight days,
hoping it would fix my ungodly ways.

I tell you, my son, Peru's gonna get some shit,
it's inhabitants are heading straight for the pit!

I'll send 'em plagues of eels and hornets and rats,
jellyfish, howler monkeys, hobbits with hats!

I'll kick all their teeth in and burn all their crops,
I'll make sure the temperature drops and drops and drops!

I don't know where I'm going with this to be honest, so I think I'll just stop.

Whisky Priestess

14:52 / 06.09.01

I like the last line. Nearly worried the coffee shop staff with my snorting.

Roll up! Roll up!

My sister's maggot circus was a a masterpiece of training
She would put them through their paces whether it was fine or raining
She had raised them all from eggs inside a green and fetid carcass
And she loved them all like children, but her favourite was Marcus
("He's a genius" she would tell me, "You can keep your poxy Tarkas!"

Being kicked out. 2nd verse soon.

08:23 / 07.09.01

ROCKET ENGINE

After the crockery’s washed up Mum,
I’m taking the train to Crewe
I’ve got to test out my rocket engine,
The one I built in school

It’s a fucking big thing, I tell you Mum,
Bigger than the house you were born in.
We’re clearing the people from miles around,
Raymond’s just given the warning.

We’ve set the controls for the heart of the sun,
Which now I think of it, is none too clever
If it works it’s sure too make my name,
But I’ll die in the worthless endeavour.

You’re not going nowhere, says Richard’s mum,
You’ve got to walk the dogs
And your wretched engine’ll never work
Cos I took out all the cogs!

DO THE STRAND (The lyrics Roxy Music were too scared to sing!)

It’s a new sensation,
An alien gestation
Sent as retribution
By those of higher evolution

Bat-Winged Baboons,
From Xyiyll’s third moon,
Swarm through space seams,
Into my dreams,
and they like the Strand

Fed up with Cthulhu?
Had your fill of Mi-Go?
Bored of Solvent Green?
Eating people isn’t your scene?
Death will come soon,
So say my runes,
Do the Strand!

Forgotten evil races,
Dark rat gods with no faces,
Did the .. STRAND!

10:17 / 07.09.01

a kangaroo came out of the cut on my knee
it came out because i'm bad
i do bad things
it had a picture of my face tattooed
on its dick - dorian gray,
degenerating while i did bad things

Whisky Priestess

10:22 / 07.09.01

Think you'll find that's Soylent Green, my friend. Although I prefer Solvent.

Roll up! verse 2

There were bearded maggot ladies, there were maggot fortune-tellers,
There were maggots on trick cycles and (yes) maggot popcorn sellers!
There were strongworms, there were acrobats; no wee Big Top was vaster
But the maggot who controlled it all was Marcus, the ringmaster.
(And I'm sure you're not surprised to hear it ended in disaster)

[ 07-09-2001: Message edited by: Whisky Priestess ]

10:40 / 07.09.01

quote:Originally posted by Whisky Priestess:
Think you'll find that's Soylent Green, my friend. Although I prefer Solvent.

I blame the spellcheck..

..for causing the carwreck
that led to my losing an arm
MS Word hosts a devil,
in my misery it revels,
while it lives I shall never be calm!

09:18 / 10.09.01

Put a big fat bottie on the window,
Put a big fat bottie on the window,
If you've got a big fat bottie,
then it really isn't shoddy,
Put a big fat bottie on the window...

I'm in love with my toilet,
we go everywhere together,
Its my porcelin bus.

09:37 / 05.10.01

The following will, hopefully, appear in my college's literary anthology....

"This Poem Is Of Yet Untitled"

by me.

Once upon a winter's bed
I made long love to the dead
Who had risen from the gallows
In the form of misty shadows
Who had come to do the deed
To plant themselves into my seed
Gave birth to God's abominable error
Provided inspiration for Lovecraft's terror.

The Fin.

Yes. It is one of the great poems that rank up there with Aleister Crowley and Jeffrey Dahmer. Perhaps I should call it "The Night the Baboon Had Frozen It's Ass" or "Thoth's Ape Is Not A Sex Toy!".... Hmmm.. such vile, fetuish thoughts.... Humbuggery!

09:37 / 05.10.01

quote:Originally posted by Lionheart:
"This Poem Is Of Yet Untitled"

You could call it...

THE SHAG THAT SHOULD NOT BE!

Whisky Priestess

09:37 / 05.10.01

or

Death Is But A Sleep,

or

Coitus Corruptus

or

Mortal Wombat! (no reson, just like the name)

12:03 / 05.10.01

THE BALLAD OF PEL TORRO

Pel Torro wrote a dozen books,
All in an afternoon
He laid down his pen, wiped blood from his hands
And softly began to croon;

“There is a house in New Orleans,
they call the shittiest house in town,
The reason for this label is,
it sunk into the ground!”

SHUT UP, SHUT UP! Pel’s wife replied,
I’M TRYING TO GET SOME SLEEP!
So Pel curtailed his musical fun,
And went for a ride in his jeep.

He cruised through Sunset Boulevard,
His shades upon his face,
He wore his favourite cotton khakis
And a bonnet made of lace

He drove through the urban sprawl,
Till he reached his favourite bar,
A swinging little joint called Charlie’s Place
Which belonged to Johnny Marr (allegedly)

“A beer please, Fang” our hero said,
and the fatboy served up the grog
It was only then he noticed,
The bar was full of fog!

“What’s with all this smoke, old boy?”
said Pel to his barkeep friend
“Well I wouldn’t speak too soon good sir,
but I fear the world’s come to an end!”

And it had.

And that’s the story of good Pel Torro,
Who never begged nor stole nor borrowed
He met his doom along with the rest,
But he didn’t give a fuck, he was that well dressed.

I thank you.

[ 05-10-2001: Message edited by: Rizla Year Zero ]

13:41 / 05.10.01

Ok, I got one.

CINCINATTI
"So many oranges have fallen
So many lemons lying on the ground
So much blood spilled all over
Looks like someone's butchered an ox"

Oh, and other:

IT´S OK, I'M THE POPE
"I climbed up the apple tree
Just to watch as you passed by
When you passed, I climbed down.

Far beyond those hills
There's a cactus plant
In the days I don't see you
I put some beans to boil

Far beyond those hills
There's a cactus plant
My loved one doesn't like me anymore!
I'm gonna sell away my bicycle"

09:11 / 11.10.01

I live for these things.

The Homophobic Pig

The babies were a-dancing
And the children were a-live
The teenagers were smoking pot
"Pizza, man! At five!"
The democrats were eating frogs
And talkin' bout the truth (there IS no truth)
The basketballs were shooting pool
And thinkin' bout their youth

"Hail, the mighty king!" I screamed
With eyes as big as Mars
"Your royality has been replaced
And sold to local bars!"
"I do not like your system
And I do not like your dance! (the tango)
Your babies and your children, dude
I'll ship them off to France!"

"But how about my teenagers?"
The king, he asked, with fear
"How about my basketballs
My BASKETBALLS, you hear!"

This is when I took his throne
And moved it with my mind
Stupid punk of music, dork
VCR? Rewind!

Rewind your VCR, you homophobic pig.

09:11 / 11.10.01

So, can I legally use your title suggestions or will you sue me the first moment you notice a poem with your title?

"Ants In My Pants"

A little man once said to me
"Don't travel in your pants!"
I failed to heed his strange suggestions
And was attacked by ants.

"Auto-Erotic Asphyxation or A Really Bad Joke"

The Pope!
The Pope is on the rope!
What is the Pope doing on a rope?
Coming.

Okay, okay... So that's not the best of poems. But what can I say?

A monkey once cracked a nut
And howled and howled in pain.
And little bugs inside the ground
Witnessed a red rain.
The monkey hopped home
All yelling and crying
Came to its mother and Bob Hope
And told them he was dying.
Bob Hope then smiled and said,
"My boy,
You'll get all help from me.
I'll sew your nutsack closed again
And a broken nut I'll glue.
But one more thing I'll ask of you
That you must promise me you'll do.
When you come home
Please start a-knocking.
For you see,
You've interrupted me and mum
And our delicious fucking."

Okay, okay. So it also sucks. What can I say? I'm not a horse.

09:11 / 11.10.01

Okay, one more. And it's a short one.

"The__pen_is__coming."

So, what can I say? It's a Freudian thing, you perverts!

[ 11-10-2001: Message edited by: Lionheart ]

09:11 / 11.10.01

Arse
All poetry is arse
Just ask us
Arse

09:11 / 11.10.01

Truly, said Shamrock Sam,
I think my penis is too big,
I may need to get it a wig
For it is bigger than I am.

I will call it my silent siamese brother
Who does naught but stand and wonder.
Except of course when a girl I doth see,
Then my brother will grow to double me.

09:18 / 12.10.01

Memoirs Of A Y2K Survivalist

It makes me sick watching you like this,
thinking you've got some strange disease,
You think something's in the air,
but I'm not going anywhere.

I've got my gas mask here,
my toilet paper there,
I'm ready for anything,
ready for everything,

I've got an outhouse on the right,
and toothpaste on my left,
plugged in radio
and television set,
and I'm sitting here feeling okay,
I've been sitting here since Y2K.

Mind you,
I've heard that nothing happened
but it's still so cozy here,
then the September eleventh thing happened
and got the country in a fear.

But I'm sitting on my sofa,
and I'm drinking my soda,
breathing through a filter hours old,
eating sandwich de salami,
and drinking my drink cold.

I’ve got my pet turtle beside me,
the taxidermist stuffed him well,
and now he just sits here so quietly
so I just doodle on his shell.

I write stupid things like “Hello,
I do not know you so good bye!”
then I retire from my writing
and I go eat chicken pie

Yes, I’m sitting in my bunker
just watching my old teevee
doodling things on my turtle
and trying not to be lonely.

09:52 / 12.10.01

"How Tony Blair Spent His Weekend"

I once killed a man of indeterminable age
One sunday morning.
It was 8am
And me
in my big brown shoes
Was standing there over the corpse.
He was strangled to death
With a purple extension cord.
No company I know makes purple extension cords
'cept for one.
And the CEO of the company was now dead
Beneath my feet.
Then I realized that
10 minutes had passed since
I made sure the fella was dead and
then I
Got the hell outta there.

[ 12-10-2001: Message edited by: Lionheart ]

09:52 / 12.10.01

Would This Make For Good Television?

Bugs Bunny frolicking in the grass
Having fun with Tweety bird
Who’s taking it up the ass
Down in the dirt

Meanwhile in Mushroom land
Princess gives Mario a hand
And then she offers up her mouth
He asks her if she spits or swallows

Wallace and Grommet fuck the bastard Penguin
While Roberto Rastapopoulos is fucking Tin Tin
Donald Duck is doing Minney Mouse
With one hand up her blouse

Beavis and Butthead still can’t get none
While Jan Lane and Daria have girl-on-girl fun
When Popeye’s with Olive Oil, Viagra doesn’t do much
Instead he has to take herbal spinach

Down in Toonland condom prices have gone up
Since most toons keep buying them because they simply won’t stop
Hey, what do you expect, they’re fucking cartoons
Figuratively and literally, I mean, hell they’re total loons.

09:52 / 12.10.01

boom boom boom
lets go back to my room
so we can do it all night
and you can make me feel right
oh ohh oh!

okay, I didn't make that one up. So sue me.

09:52 / 12.10.01

Untitled

Happiness is a warm nun
Happiness is a warm nun
When I hold her in my arms
And she asks me just what in heck am I doing
I know she’s just having fun
Because happiness is a warm nun
Yes it is.

09:52 / 12.10.01

"Orthodontist Phone Sex"

Floss.
Floss me.
I am your teeth.
Floss me good.
Floss me nice and hard.
I love the way you floss me.
That's right.
Floss me there, baby, you know i like it.
Shutup and just floss.
Floss!

09:52 / 12.10.01

The Other Question Parents Hate To Hear From Their Children

If Moby Dick was big
Then how big was his dick?
And speaking of big,
While we're at it
I might as well ask
How big was his shit?

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