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Underground > Creation >

Fantastic Lies

  
  

Page: 1(2)

 
 
Gypsy Christ
12:10 / 20.09.01
quote: Neil Gaiman is really a driving instructor from Lewisham. Buy his new book, or he'll fail your ass.



I KNEW it! >.<'
 
 
deja_vroom
12:40 / 25.09.01
Canadian women named Lucinda - and, for that matter, any other woman in the world - can develop a psychiatric disorder called pedophagy, in which they feel the urge to devour little babies. You can spot them on the street. They're the ones with unusual large bellies.
They will salivate over the child and swallow him/her whole, without taking bites, so the babies reach their stomach alive and kicking.
Just ask some of these women to touch their bellies. You will see.

[ 25-09-2001: Message edited by: Jade Emperor ]
 
 
Saveloy
15:54 / 23.05.02
Before the invention of detergent, bubbles were made from spiders' webs. You'd dip your wooden loop-on-the-end-of-a-stick into a little cylinder which housed a specially trained spider, who would obligingly weave a fine web across it, which could be blown into a silky bubble. These bubbles would stay aloft for hours without bursting, catching flies until the weight of their bodies brought it to ground. You would then collapse the bubble and feed it back to the grateful spider.

Sadly these spiders became extinct shortly after the invention of washing-up liquid.

It was by imagining what you could do with a tarantula that the idea for tennis rackets came about.
 
 
Saveloy
16:01 / 23.05.02
In the original design spec for the Spitfire, the cockpit canopy incorporates a raised cylinder of glass to accomodate the pilot's top hat. This first model was also a two seater, with a rear seat for the pilot's butler.

Incidentally, the top hats worn by pilots at the time could be opened with a tin opener to reveal a 4 course meal, stacked in neat layers - entre through to pudding. The butler's bowler would have been stuffed with mashed potato.
 
 
We're The Great Old Ones Now
16:33 / 23.05.02
I know. I designed the walking-stick slot beneath the pilot's seat. Were you aware that the Lancaster bomber incorporated a wine cellar?
 
 
Solitaire Rose as Tom Servo
04:04 / 24.05.02
Ed Wood's movies were acctually very brilliant peices of work that have been edited by a vast conspiracy to make his ideas appear stupid.

Glen or Glenda was ground-breaking in how it was able to make stright people understand and empathize with gay and transvestite men, and test audiences were so moved by it they would immediately call their lawmakers after seeing it to repeal all laws against homosexuality. It was re-cut by a distribution company owned by the Baptist Church to make it a joke of a film.

And Plan 9 From Outer Space was a gripping docudrama that explained the truth behind UFOs, and was so close to the truth that it was edited to incomprehensibility and Mood was given a drug that made him mentally ill, causing his work afterwards to be incompetent and created his alcohol addiction.

I swear.
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
05:09 / 24.05.02
If you can get hold of an original 24-track recording of Motorhead's "Ace of Spades", and listen very carefully to track 23, you can just about hear Kenny Rogers playing the bassoon. This was due to contractual obligations, but Lemmy threatened the sound engineer until he agreed to put it very low in the mix.
 
 
the Fool
06:04 / 24.05.02
Toe nails, if soaked in kersosene for about 12 hours, become a powerful hallucinogen. They should be dried, mixed with tobacco and then smoked. The effects are reported as 'dazzling'.
 
 
the Fool
06:08 / 24.05.02
And Plan 9 From Outer Space was a gripping docudrama that explained the truth behind UFOs, and was so close to the truth that it was edited to incomprehensibility and Mood was given a drug that made him mentally ill, causing his work afterwards to be incompetent and created his alcohol addiction.

Boris Karlof was murdered during filming when various source became aware his connection to underground alien resistance movement. This is how the powers that be realised that Ed Wood was getting too close.
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
09:07 / 24.05.02
I have a really great penis.
 
 
Saveloy
09:41 / 24.05.02
Nick:

"Were you aware that the Lancaster bomber incorporated a wine cellar?"

Yes; in fact it was the accidental dropping of a cask of sherry over the channel that provided the inspiration for the bouncing bomb.
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
19:21 / 09.06.02
I painted Hadrian's Wall vermillion in a single night. When I came back three hours after dawn, somebody else had papered it in woodchip. Outraged, I rag-rolled it using Dulux emulsion in duck-egg blue and a translucent wash of indigo, thinned with Turps. Returing after lunch, I found that my mysterious nemesis had upholstered it in chintz.

Tomorrow I'm going back with some MDF and a nailgun.
 
 
Shortfatdyke
19:42 / 09.06.02
licences do not need to be bought for black and white dogs.

cars with 'child on board' or 'drive carefully, daddy' stickers tend to have a higher incidence of being rammed from behind.
 
 
Saveloy
13:44 / 05.02.03
On October 1st every year the pilots of all sexually mature Boing 747s fly them to a secret location above Antarctica for mating. The coupling process is the trickiest and most dangerous manouvre a pilot will ever be involved in, but also the most rewarding - most return home better, kinder men and women than before. Following a successful copulation the female aircraft will spend the next 18 months in a reinforced cloud nest while the male hunts along the local coast for small fishing vessels and unwary subs. Contrary to popular belief, 747s are born live, not in eggs. Sadly, many are still-born, ie without a pilot, and of those that survive the traumatic birth, most are picked off by Messerschmitts and helicopters before they learn to fly.
 
 
8===>Q: alyn
18:51 / 05.02.03
There's a Neal Gaiman story about the fine art of automobile husbandry that is sort of similar to what you're outlining, Saveloy. (Before anyone objects, the Gene Wolfe story was actually written by Gaiman -- in fact, Wolfe is a pen-name for Gaiman.)
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
16:25 / 13.02.03
I'm really terribly nice when you get to know me.
 
 
Unravelling
02:42 / 04.03.03
The name 'Neil Gaiman' itself is a pen name, the result of an instruction given to someone in the room, accidentally being overheard by a publisher to whom he'd forgotten he was speaking on the phone at the time. The author in question is in fact named Maurice Tylanol.
 
 
Saveloy
14:39 / 08.05.03
To: Barbe.lith@anyhew.com,creation@lies.co.uk,longlistofmates@everywhere.org
Subject: Re: (Fwd) FW: Fw: FW: And you thought you knew everything!
From: Bloke@officedesk


* A duck's quack releases more energy than all of the world's nuclear weapons combined

* Elephants are the only animals that can't fly backwards

* The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days when the engines were pulled by squirrels. The squirrels were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

* Women blink nearly twice as much as kittens

* It's physically impossible for you to punch a vicar in the throat

* American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating 1 Donkey from each salad served in first-class.

* Venus is the only planet that isn't married.

* The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year
because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the
weight of all the bears that would occupy the building.

* The electric priest was invented by a dentist.

* Marilyn Monroe had six chairs

* You burn more calories sleeping than you do picking up acorns

* Dentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least 6
feet away from a coconut to avoid airborne particles resulting from the
flush of pride you get when you walk into the bathroom and see it mounted on the wall above the toilet

* The liquid inside young children can be used as substitute for
watching television.

* Oak trees do not rotate clockwise until they are fifty years of
age or older.

* The king of hearts is the only king without a Boeing 747.

* An olive's wingspan is longer than the Wright brother's first flight.

* The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called fentipops

* The first owner of the Marlboro Company died from excessive jumping

* Walt Disney was afraid of his own back.

* It is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not more than seven hundred times.

* Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our arms and legs never stop growing.

* An ostrich's head is bigger than its brain.

* "Go away, you ridiculous oaf," is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

* A crocodile cannot see colour television without specialist training in a zero gravity environment

* The cigarette lighter was invented before the wheel

* Americans on average eat 18 pounds of Play-Doh every day.
 
 
William Sack
14:53 / 08.05.03
1 in 5 slags claim to have put it about a bit in a previous life.
 
 
robots don't need alarm clocks
21:39 / 27.05.03
The movements of miniature golf windmills are how porcupines predict the weather.
 
 
Whisky Priestess
15:18 / 28.05.03
I am inphallible.
 
 
Warewullf
20:24 / 26.06.03
Contrary to what David Attenborough says, penguins are not the only bird capable of unassisted pan-dimensional travel.
 
 
8===>Q: alyn
20:59 / 26.06.03
An ostrich's head is bigger than its brain

That's no lie!

Fennel doesn't occur naturally; horticulturalists graft lettuce roots onto a rosebush to grow it.
 
 
Shrug
03:48 / 27.06.03
A recent survey showed that men called Jamie are 85% more likely to have pre marital sex than women called Jamie.
 
 
Saveloy
16:14 / 09.07.03
Warewulf:

"Contrary to what David Attenborough says, penguins are not the only bird capable of unassisted pan-dimensional travel"

Funnily enough I was in the BBC canteen the other day and I got talking to the bloke who did all the camera work on 'Life on Earth', and he was full of funny stories about Attenborough. I wouldn't tell anyone else this, but apparently David got a bit frisky with a panda while filming one day, and was fined 2000 yen and bound over to not hump pandas for 12 months. He was so annoyed about it he went straight out and punched a meerkat in the face. Got him 14 days community service, that did. That was all in the same week that Raymond Baxter got let off with a warning for wanking off over a barrage balloon.

Anyway this cameraman works with the new crop of wildlife presenters, knows all their secrets. Apparently, Bill Oddie is a really nice bloke, he goes around fields marking all the juiciest insects with a yellow highlighter pen as an aid to kestrels. Stinks of sparrows, though. And that Simon King will nick anything off a washing line. Reeks of shrew, he does.
 
 
Saveloy
12:17 / 04.11.03
If you accidentally insert your library card into a cash dispenser you won't be able to take out any cash, but you will be able to withdraw:

- beautifully worded descriptions of bank notes by talented writers
- entertaining pamphlets, essays and leaflets on the subject of economics by leading philosophers, satirists etc
- paragraphs or short chapters about money and the spending of it from the world's greatest authors

All withdrawals must be returned to the bank's safe deposit box within 28 days; late returns will be subject to extortionate fines.
 
 
Sax
12:24 / 04.11.03
Gap clothes are not, contrary to popular belief, hand-stitched by Third World children for a pittance. They are all put together by automated production line in a huge factory in Skelmersdale. The Third World myth is perpetuated by the company in a bid to attach a perverse sense of anti-cool to the garments which research has shown will eventually result in them being embraced by the counter-culture as the youth culture dubbed in brand-management circles "stormers" sets in any day now.
 
 
Eloi Tsabaoth
12:49 / 04.11.03
The Easter Island statues are not in fact man-made, but simply eroded into that shape due to a strange contrivance in the natural winds of the area. Oddly enough, the same winds are responsible for the current shape of the human face, human heads being a solid spherical lump of flesh prior to mass migration to the island to escape dinosaurs and giant worms and stuff.
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
18:33 / 25.11.03
The Albert Hall is made of tofu.
 
 
akira
18:11 / 29.02.04
Skelmersdale is not full of rounderbouts.
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
20:56 / 29.02.04
I had that Osama Bin Laden in the back of my cab last week. I get sent along to Number Five, The Laurels (that's Mrs. Fibonacci's guest-house, usually such a respecatble establishment) and there he is, waiting on the doorstep, not even looking sheepish. I would've told him where to shove it, but he offered me another fifty just to help him with the dialysis machine.
 
  

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