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Underground > Creation >

Fantastic Lies

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13:54 / 06.08.01

Those "URGENT" stickers that you put on letters and parcels don't just work on mail, they'll make anything go faster, including cars, buses and even bicycles. They were banned by the Olympic committee when it was discovered that athletes had been sticking them to themselves to achieve record speeds on the track. What's more, the more you use, the quicker you go - the huge central fuel tank of the space shuttle doesn't contain any fuel at all, it's just stuffed full of URGENT stickers, millions of 'em. It rises into the air powered by a huge sense of urgency. Scientists around the globe constantly monitor the Earth's rotation to ensure that a global imbalance of URGENT stickers does not cause the planet to spin super fast and go forward into the future quicker than it should (which would cause a temporal backdraught which would literally blow our grandparents back to the 17th Century). There are placed about the equator many wooden pointers, each with a number of URGENT stickers on, so that if it appears that the earth is spinning too fast in one direction, they can slap URGENT stickers onto the contra-directional ones.

11:35 / 07.08.01

Floppy disks are an inexpensive source of Vitamin C, suitable for Old Age Pensioners and toddlers.

11:52 / 07.08.01

Every single post here on Barbelith comes from the same eight people - the Secret Council of the Barbelords of Aeon.

Except this one.

Or does it?

No.

Yes.

No.

What?

<wanders out the door, muttering something about internal "Fictionsuit v2.8" chips...>

11:55 / 07.08.01

Most domestic accidents occur in the workplace.

The vast majority of American Presidents have been of above average genital girth.

Almost everything can be solved with cheese.

Sexual alchemy is available to buy from a mailorder outfit in Illinois.

12:05 / 07.08.01

Saveloy is actually a distinguished British actor; devising new games and posting them on this board is how he amuses himself in his retirement.

You should collect these and put out a book, maaaan. I'd buy it.

12:12 / 07.08.01

Man, I just looked this up. Had no idea:

quote:The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language: Fourth Edition. 2000.

saveloy

SYLLABICATION: sav·e·loy
PRONUNCIATION: sv-loi
NOUN: A highly seasoned smoked pork sausage.
ETYMOLOGY: Alteration of obsolete French cervelat, from Italian cervellato, ultimately from dialectal zervello, brain, from Latin cerebellum, diminutive of cerebrum, brain.

14:02 / 07.08.01

Humanity has entered a new stage of evolution. Many people have discovered that heir right hands have become attached to the side of their heads, with this sudden development of the ability to communicate over vast distances has become apparent.

Many human beings have become so absorbed with this new found ability that they place themselves in situations where they ignore their surroundings sometimes placing themselves in danger and also bringing about the exinction of the face to face conversation.

Government plans have been unveiled to reduce the number of 'talking' places, such as Pubs, Cafes etc as the need for Humans to actually meet one another has been erridacted by this new development.

Mordant Carnival

15:20 / 07.08.01

I am physically addicted to Salt and Vinegar crisps. It's a tragedy.

z3r0

15:54 / 07.08.01

Horses of the Youreadofus race are known for the unbelievable speed they can reach.
Many a rider was killed by accident, when the horses opened their mouths when running and blew up.
Nowadays they glue these horse's mouths to avoid this inconvenience.

19:21 / 07.08.01

As I keep telling people, though god knows they never listen, the idea that Rabbits thrive in the wild is a myth.

Every rabbit you've ever seen has at some stage passed through human ownership.

You see, if left to their natural devices, rabbits have a genetic flaw which means they never stop growing. Sometimes in the old days, they'd reach the size of a cow, sometimes that of eight haybails or yer local Vicarige.

The poor creatures would just keep growing and growing until either their skeletons collapsed under their own weight or they became too huge and slow to adequately feed their ever expanding bodies.

Then, back in the '50s I think, scientists came up with a special machine which could halt the growth process by destroying a rabbit's malfunctioning growth hormones.

This process can be easily replicated in the modern home by placing the offending rabbit in the microwave on 'defrost' function for 3 minutes or so.

Vets will do this to all new born rabbits, to ensure that, thanks to human intervention, they can live long nd happy lives.

But of course, they never mention this to anyone as it might upset the kiddies.

20:53 / 07.08.01

This is all true. There's considerable evidence to suggest that the entire universe was created by the collapse of a rabbit from a previous one which had grown so big that it not only collapsed under its own gravitation, but also sucked in all matter and energy from the surrounding instanciation.

Elijah, Freelance Rabbi

00:10 / 08.08.01

"Butterfinger" candy bars ar formulated to cause extreme loss of short term memory, therby making the buyer forget they bought one and ate it until after eating 20 in succession they finr that their mouth is locked shut by butterfinger residue.

12:15 / 08.08.01

I often wondered what causes that..

Now, have you ever tried cutting off your thumb?

"Of course not!" you cry by way of a responce, "Why would I do such a thing? It would lead to nothing but pain, mess and permanant physical disability!"

Not so. You see, due to a bizarre genetic throwback to our amphibian ancestory, the thumb is the only part of the body that, if removed, will actually grow back within a matter of hours. In addition, the lower half of the thumb is completely lacking in pain receptors, meaning that with a bit of practice you can slice off your thumb without feeling any pain whatsoever.

Thumb chopping can make a great party piece and will provide hours of amusement for you and your friends.

So, go on, try it today. I dare you.

Mordant Carnival

15:53 / 09.08.01

Michael Jackson's new nose is actually an alien symbiote. Beneath its thin chitinous exoskeleton it has at least four moderately evil brains.

It's purpose here amongst us is unknown, but stuff like that is almost never good.

Whisky Priestess

10:08 / 10.08.01

Our day-to-day universe is simply a series of overlong and rather boring commercial breaks in between the screenings - in any medium, in any country - of 1950s Technicolour musicals, which are the only expression of the true state of reality.

According to scientists, this recently discovered phenomenon means that the "realest" people who have ever existed are Fred Astaire, Ginger Rogers, and to a lesser extent, Danny Kaye.

11:32 / 10.08.01

The Cream Bathroom Cleaner Jif changed it's name to Cif as it was discovered that it not only had the potential to remove dark rings aroung your bath, but also was effective in combating the Symptoms of Syphilis.

"Use Cif to beat the Syph"

14:02 / 10.08.01

Black and white films, if stored in the correct conditions, mature into colour. Not only that, but a few years in a cellar with the proper humidity and temperature will add richness to the dialogue and complexity to the plot.

This has been known for years, and as long ago as the mid-60s, scientists developed a technique for artificially maturing films in the lab which speed up the process a thousand-fold. Carry On at Your Convenience was the first commercial release of a film produced in this way, evolved from a spare print of The Third Man.

18:22 / 10.08.01

If you insert four size C batteries into a mans buttocks and give his scrotum a one-quarter turn in the clockwise direction it will cause his penis to vibrate. Be very careful as turning the scrotum counter clockwise will result in premature ejaculation.

[ 10-08-2001: Message edited by: Biologic K-9 ]

ynh

04:35 / 11.08.01

Whao sort of incision does one use to facillitate the insertion? Was I wrong to assume 2 batteries went on each side? I'm covered in blood and very confused.

10:12 / 20.08.01

I am actively doing the work I am being paid to do to the best of my ability.

18:46 / 06.09.01

The popular childrens' marketing phenomenon known as Pokemon is based upon myths and legends of the 150 Aztec gods of war and death. The most popular character, "Pikachu", is very derivitive of the Thunder God Pikachutlotal, whose name (roughly translated) means "The flesh of your face shall form the lining of my pockets."

03:02 / 07.09.01

For the past 20 years the Surgeon Generals Warnings have not been created by the surgeon general but rather by one of his incompetant underlings. This became evident when cigarette packages warned people of the dangers of tip-toeing.

Warrington Minge

19:20 / 07.09.01

The kid in the series Land of the Giants had a horrible accident resulting in legs made entirely out of a huge pile of discarded film cannisters. His resultant 8ft height made him a true giant shunned by society! The perils and irony of fame.

09:29 / 08.09.01

The original D-Day Plan involved opening all the locks of British canals simultaneously, creating a giant tidal wave designed to erode the French coastline by several hundred miles. However this plan had to be hastily abandoned when it was realised all of the UK experienced lockkeepers had already been drafted, and so they knocked together some nonsense about beaches and air combat 4 hours before it was launched(The finest 'Plan B' military victory since William the Conqueror aborted plans to subdue the English with a thousand trained larks).

09:29 / 08.09.01

...I am a beautiful and unique snowflake...

09:29 / 08.09.01

Ice Cube applied to join the LAPD three months before the recording of Fuck Tha Police, but was turned down because of his bad eyesight.

Smokers beware - nicotine can stimulate mouth bacteria to produce a crystalline mineral deposit on the teeth and gums. This happens primarily in the morning, when the levels of bacteria are at their highest. Normally this is just irritating and can cause further infection, but in extreme cases the deposits have been known to be mistaken for extra teeth. The condition was known in 18th century England as "tobacco jaw". The build-up can be countered by the regular application of certain acids, which curiously are found in coffee and orange juice, both popular breakfast beverages.

The standard sound files in Microsoft Windows 98 (not NT) contain a subsonic frequency that causes involuntary bowel movements in humans. However, you will not hear this unless you connect your PC to a high-fidelity sound system. It is thought that this was a result of corruption in the duplication process, but malicious hacking has not been ruled out. Microsoft have yet to publicly admit to this for fear of legal action.

10:16 / 08.09.01

Barbie's figure was chosen by a team of paedophile designers at Mattel specifically to sensitise little girls to an adult body image, so they'd appear on lurid Internet websites sponsored by baby-eating cardinals in the Holy Roman Church.

I know this through careful study of my bath's plughole.

Rollo Kim, on location

13:26 / 08.09.01

Sorry I'm late, I was trapped under a burning piano. And speaking of blazing objects: the original type-script for the film Towering Inferno was set inside a burning piano, but was later changed to a burning building, due to working conditions... [the films producer, Noel Edmonds OBE, felt that the cast's faces would be too easily obscured by smoke in such a confined space as the soundboard of an upright corporate piano.]

14:32 / 09.09.01

The infamous "third eye" is actually the fourth eye. The true third eye gives the person the ability to see foreign cheese...many people have this ability and are unaware of its true source.

Rollo Kim, on location

09:46 / 10.09.01

Kegboy is actually my Dad.

11:06 / 10.09.01

At 12:00 am on the morning of January 1st 2000, a time capsule was opened that had been buried beneath the town hall of the city of Lampshade, Montana on January 1st 1900. Inside was found a horseshoe, a buggy whip, a copy of the local newspaper, several dried flowers, and the entire cast of the 1998 German film Run Lola Run.

20:11 / 10.09.01

There have only ever been three people that have verifiably eaten an entire Battenberg cake in one sitting.

22:46 / 15.09.01

Tuscon Arizona is actully home to the Midget Mafia

Every year Thousands of Tree-huggers Migrated to Victor Florida for worship of the multi-colored Kool-aid god.

and it's not spelt money it's spelt munkee

03:23 / 16.09.01

Rollo is actually my son.

Jack The Bodiless

04:36 / 16.09.01

Elvis is dead.

Jon Bon Jovi is alive.

Bryan Adams is actually a small moon, orbiting the Canado-centric world of soft rock. Those aren't pock marks... they're craters.

You know that thing you're doing right now? It's turning me on, baby...

Baba Yaga also had forty thieves, but didn't like to brag about it.

Neil Gaiman is really a driving instructor from Lewisham. Buy his new book, or he'll fail your ass.

I am not, nor have I ever been.

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