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[Satellite of Love, Mike is watching a small, handheld TV on the deck while he hears loud shouting going on in the distance]
Mike Nelson: Hi everyone and welcome to the Satellite of Love. I’m Mike Nelson and I’m trying to watch the International Think-Off, but for some reason….
Tom Servo: (highly agitated) Mike…Mike, put down the TV and tell Crow to knock it off.
Mike: What is he doing now? Throwing your underpants collection at your again? Trying to play Gladiator? Making you take the Pepsi Challenge?
Tom: It’s far worse than that…he’s, he’s…oh I can’t even describe the horror of it all…
Crow T Robot: (runs into the scene, arms flailing, speaking rapidly) Yes, but you could call your friends and describe it by dialing down the middle, 1-800-CALLATT! And then washing it down with a refreshing glass of milk, it does a body good! Because in an uncertain world, you know you can count on FOX News! And tonight, Lisa Bonet in some crappy movie on Sci Fi!
Mike: Good Lord!
Tom: That’s right, now that we’re no longer on Sci-Fi, he’s doing all the ads we have missed over the past two years, you have to stop him!
Magic Voice: 30 seconds until commercial!
Mike: Magic Voice, we don’t have commercials anymore. That’s the problem.
Magic Voice: 15 seconds until I turn off the lights and you can tell Crow you are showing commercials.
Tom and Mike: (realizing the plan) Oh…yeah…it’s Commercial sign, Crow!
Crow: (Staring to calm down) We’ll be right back…after these… messages… (Collapses)
[Mike taps the button and the screen goes dark]
*****************************
[SOL, Mike is holding Crow as he cries]
Crow: And then I dreamed that we were replaced by re-runs of the Beastmaster TV series…it was horrible Mike, horrible!
[the light starts flashing]
Mike: There, there, it’ll be OK. We’ll live on the internet now, just like The Critic and bad Star Warts fan-fiction…but look, Ruff n Ready are calling.
[Deep 13, Dr Forester and TV’s Frank are there, they look at Mike as if they have seen a ghost]
[SOL, Mike looks back at them, and Crow starts to cry again]
[Deep 13]
Dr. Forester: Frank, who is that man and why is he holding one of those infernal robots?
TV’s Frank: [staring into the camera with his mouth open, breathing slowly] I…don’t…know. But maybe Joel got some work done.
Dr. F.: [hits Frank in the back of the head] You moron…just when I was thinking of not killing you. That can’t be Joel in a disguise. He doesn’t look stoned and is not holding some silly prop joke.
[SOL]
Tom: Wait a minute…you were expecting Joel? But Joel got off the Satelite years ago.
Crow: And a network ago…and he’s never coming back. [starts crying again, shouting “Why? Why???”]
Tom: Wait a minute…Gypsy, could you check and see what year this is?
Gypsy: [off camera] I can’t…we’re in the middle of a temporal rift left over from Star Trek The Next Generation not being sold to the Sci Fi channel.
Mike: A temporal rift?
Crow: And now my alarm clock won’t have the correct time!! [keeps crying and burying his face in Mike’s chest]
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Then that must be the effect of my new creation for the invention exchange. The Science Fiction Technobabble Plot Device Generator. [Frank rolls in a large roulette table]. What you do is spin the wheel [Frank spins the wheel] drop the ball [Frank spins the little metal ball in the other direction] and then wait…[the ball drops and bounces around for minute, and then falls into a slot as the wheel slows and stops].
Frank: Look, they landed on Mirror Universe Evil Twins!
[SOL, Mike and the bots and looking at versions of themselves wearing goatees and Miami Vice outfits]
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: Although it shouldn’t have affected anything yet. I haven’t spun the wheel, and it would only work on…[we hear the wheel spinning again and the ball being dropped in]…Frank, did you spin the wheel before I aimed the projection device at Joel and the bots?
Frank: I had to test it out…and it’s so fun [the ball and wheel stop again] Look, this time it’s landed on gelatinous cube!
[SOL, Mike, the bots and the evil doppelgangers are floating inside a gelatinous cube]
[Deep 13, Dr. Forester has strapped Frank to the roulette wheel and is getting ready to spin it]
Dr. F: Let’s see if it lands on flesh eating zombies this time as I aim it at you, you big hunk of burning, burning moron…and for you future victims of my experiments, I have a treat for you. Fan-fiction. But this isn’t the kind of fan fiction I normally torture you with. No, this isn’t some fat fanboy fucking 7 of 9 while saving the universe, this is a special kind of fan-fiction. This is fan-fiction so self-referential no one who isn’t on the discussion board it’s on would understand it. We call it Barbe-slash, but you’ll call it a little slice of hell. Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha hah hahahahaha!
[SOL]
[pause]
ALL: OOooooohhhhhhh!!
[Movie sign]
MIKE: [reaches out of the cube and taps button] (muffled) We've got fanfic sign!
...6...5...4...3...2...1...
Mike: [still wiping the goo off of himself] What the hell is a Barbe-slash? Is this about lesbian doll collectors making it with 18 inch tall blondes?
Tom: As long as it’s not about Merrissa Flores saving the Enterprise again, I don’t care.
Crow: You said that before they discovered all the Pokemon fan fiction.
Mike: And the Spider-Man story where Spider-Man turned out to be Gwen Stefani.
Tom: Damn you two…weeks of therapy down the drain.
>Tannhauser
Mike: Yes, you to can tell your friends you went to Florida after five trip to the Tannhuas, run by Master Tannhauser Brock Lesner.
>strolled in through the front door of his glamurous Forest Hill >penthouse and shut it behind him with a joyous bang
Crow: If you know what I mean.
Tom: I though for sure you’d go with saying that for you a joyous bang would be one Kim Catrell was involved in.
Crow: I’ve moved beyond her. I no longer care about her now.
Tom: Then why do you have 150 copies of her book about great sex when you are married in your room?
>(and there'll be more of those before the thread is through).
Mike: Yes, a fanfiction about bad screen doors.
>As he happyly bounded up the stairs to greet his flatmate and lover >Jack the Bodiless he smiled sweetly.
Tom: (with Tannhauser’s voice) Hello Jack, I say we dispence with plot and get right to the bad spelling and nasty dirty sex.
Crow: (With Jack’s voice) Going to be a bit hard to have sex without a body.
Tom: I don’t know…the guy writing this does it all the time. Well, another body being in the room.
>"Hello darling! I'm home!" he cried, flinging himself into his sweetheart's ethereal
>arms. Jack who was baking cookies grinned and wiped a smudge of flour off his
>lover's pale cheek.
Mike: (Tannhasuer) And how did the meeting with the Beav’s teacher go?
>"And how was work?" he asked caringly. "I've just put a WWF video in - do you
>want to watch it now or shall I finish the washing up?"
Tom: If they are going to turn this into Hulk Hogan fan fiction I am the one who will need washing up.
>Tannhauser's eyes twinkled mischieuovously, he had a surprise up his elegant
>sleeve.
Tom: Looks like they got a discount on modifiers.
Crow: Excellent, insightful modifiers.
Mike: Lolly Lolly Lolly get your adverbs here….
>"No darling, why don't we stay right here. The wrestling can take care of itself."
Mike: And it did until Stephanie McMahan became head writer, and then it needed help being taken care of.
>Jack's ghostly finger tweaked one of the tall misanthroope's permanently erect
>nipples.
Crow: So erect he could cut glass with them. And that’s what he had done all day at his job at Andersen Windows where we have a special if you just call our toll free number and..
[Mike grabs Crow and holds his mouth shut]
Mike: Look, we’re on the internet…all of your ads have to be pop-ups.
Tom: Look like the nipple are the biggest pop-up ad so far to me.
>"My favourite man in the kitchen! Well, whatever next!" he whispered softly but
>saucily.
Mike: [blows a whistle] British spelling, 10 year pretentiousness penalty. Replay first down.
>"I was watching last Tango in Parris" said Tannhauser
Crow: With Marrrrrrrrlon Brrrrrando.
Mike: Making fun of the spelling is always in poor taste.
Crow: I’m not. Maybe he’s speaking in a Scottish Brogue.
Mike: Ah, evasion, good plan. Too bad we can’t evade the rest of this fan-fic.
>with urgent lust in his breathy vpoice as he moved to pull the blinds down,
Tom: Sorry, no time for plot or conversation, just sex and lots of it.
Crow: And what the hell is a vpoice?
Mike: It’s…um…Scottish too. It’s a kind of odd golf club.
>stopping to sniff a flower and stroke a tiny kitten that was clinging onto the
>windowsill.
Crow: [singing] I smell sex and kitten and flowers and candy oh year…what’s the lounging in my chair…
Tom: Probably the gelatinous cube.
Everyone reading: Ewwww!
>"and it gave me an idea."
Crow: Let’s toss watermelons and balloons filled with syrup off of abandoned buildings.
>"Oh yeah?" Jack was practicly drooling, they hadn't played erotic food games in at
>least a week
Mike: I swear by all the gods I have had to argue with that if this has something to do with a stick of butter and a gila monster, I am leaving the theater and be damned with Dr. Forester.
Tom: Gila Monster?
Crow: He’s getting “Last Tango in Paris” confused with “The Freshman” again.
>Tannhauser pull out a carton of I can't believe it's not Butter anmd pressed teh cold
>greasy stuff against his lover's invisbl;e, sweaty six-pack
Crow: The author is getting so excited he can’t control his punctuation.
Tom: It’s probably hard to type one-handed, isn’t that true, Mike?
Mike: Yeah, but if you take your time and…hey!
>"Ooo!" squaled Jack. Winth an invisible wink he moved to the cupboard under the
>sink.
Mike: Invisible Wink, the new album from Genesis, featuring such songs as “What’s Under the Sink” and “Who Took Phil Collins’s Hair.”
>"I'll get the strap-on and the leg-spreaders," he murmured sexily. Tannhauser
>grinned. This was goign to be the best S&M butter sesssion ever
Tom: Leg spreader? Strap on? What are they talking about Mike? I thought sex had to do with something you did to pass the time in the car until the monster came to eat you?
Mike: I think you two should turn your head now.
Crow: And I haven’t seen a single breast…this is worse than the sex scene in Sidehackers.
Mike: There was a sex scene in a movie they showed you when Joel was here?
Tom: [giggles] Oh yes. Lots of sex scenes and candy and balloons and stuffed animals. Life was joy up here until you showed up.
Crow: Party Pooper.
>"And I'll get the jammmies!" he said.
Tom: Jammies, that’s sweet.
Crow: I don’t know…they could be meaning jam in a way totally different than one that involves flannel and footies.
>FIN
All: Ahhhh! Land Shark!!
[All get up and leave]
MIKE: Thank goodness that's over...
...1...2...3...4...5...6...
[Mike and Tom move into shot from right]
Mike: So, you are sure this plan will work?
Tom: As sure as I am that Cyndi Lauper is poised to make a big comeback.
Mike: OK, then we should…hey, I don’t think Cyndi Lauper will make a big comeback.
Tom: You mean that Helen Hunt won’t give her career a boost for getting her break in “Girls Just Want To Have Fun: The Movie?”
[Crow enter with his evil twin]
Crow: You know, having an evil twin isn’t all that bad. He showed me how to booby trap every one’s room AND where Mike hides the RAM chips so that I don’t have to share with anyone.
Crow’s Evil Twin: And for a goodie two-shoes, you aren’t all that sappy and sweet. Except for the poster of the kitten on a wire with the phrase “Hang in there” under it.
Crow: Ix-nay on the oster-pay.
[The light starts flashing]
Mike: I wonder which one of you I will have to send back to the other dimention.
[Mike hits the switch]
[Deep 13, Frank is still strapped to the roulette wheel and Dr. Forester is holding a bowling ball]
Dr. F: I can’t believe it. You survived? And you didn’t have any mental damage at all? I don’t know if I like the future. In MY time, Joel and the bots would have been weeping like little girls.
[SOL]
Mike: I guess we’re pretty battle hardened.
Tom: And getting cancelled makes you stronger.
[Deep 13]
Dr. F: (starts to shimmer and fade on the screen) You are all starting to fade away. I knew I should have put more power into this wheel. (spins the wheel) but at least I know that this bowling ball will be put to good use.
Frank: If I give you a shiny new nickel, will you not hurt me with it?
Dr. F: Why, when I can hurt you and then take the nickel from your pocket?
Frank: (jauntily) I guess that’s why you are the boss.
Dr. F: That and the fact that I am the one who comes up with the plans to kill you and you…just get killed. Now push the button Frank.
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- 0 -
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Dr. F: (Off Screen) I call this one the 7 – 10 split.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its related characters and situations are trademarks of and (c) 2002 by Best Brains, Inc. All rights reserved.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or trademarks
held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
This piece of fiction is only for the sake of entertainment. It should
not be taken as a personal attack of the original author.
>urgent lust in his breathy vpoice as he moved to pull the blinds down,
>stopping to sniff a flower and stroke a tiny kitten that was clinging >onto the windowsill. |
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