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Signs a movie will suck

 
  

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Ethan Hawke
12:02 / 06.02.02
Top 10 (some are obvious, I know)

(10) The producer's name is above the title (ie, "A Jerry Bruckheimer Film")

(9) It centers around a racially mixed pair of cops

(8) Decribed in reviews as "heartwarming"

(7) Based on a TV Show

(6) Features an actor from "Friends."

(5) Historical drama over 2 hours long. (The "Dances with Wolves" rule)

(4) John Cusack is in it. (John Cusack has tons of unwarranted goodwill stored up from "Say Anything," and it is high time this no-talent hack was re-evaluted on his recent output. Serendipity? High Fidelity" Con Air?)

(3) It's a remake of a classic film

(2) The trailer/commerical features a hilarious"Matrix" parody.

(1) It stars Robin Williams.
 
 
deja_vroom
12:06 / 06.02.02
(0) It jumps in your lap.

[ 06-02-2002: Message edited by: Marquis de Jade ]
 
 
kid coagulant
12:19 / 06.02.02
The tagline is: 'He's a cop on the edge. She's a woman w/ a dangerous secret. They're both on the run from the Russian mob.'
 
 
Shortfatdyke
12:22 / 06.02.02
but you missed: 'when it's described as an "off-beat comedy"'.....!
 
 
Sax
12:25 / 06.02.02
It's "the surprise hit of the year".

It will "make you laugh and cry".

It's American.
 
 
Regrettable Juvenilia
12:32 / 06.02.02
It's got Meg Ryan in it.

The guy doing the voiceover on the trailer can't even try to sound excited about it (see: 'Iris').

It has a tagline that makes no sense ("The only thing stronger than the power of their love was the love that had them in its power", etc).
 
 
kid coagulant
12:35 / 06.02.02
Janeane Garafalo joke: The trailer starts out w/ the voiceover guy saying: 'In a world..."
 
 
odd jest on horn
12:40 / 06.02.02
what was wrong with high fidelity? i mean it wasn't top notch or anything but it was nice.

also number 8) was used to describe Amelie, which i thought was good though not exactly mindblowing either.
 
 
sleazenation
12:45 / 06.02.02
whenever the phrase

"it was a time for heroes" is used in the trailers
 
 
Kit-Cat Club
12:49 / 06.02.02
BITTERSWEET.
 
 
Sax
12:51 / 06.02.02
It's based on a comic-book.
 
 
rizla mission
13:07 / 06.02.02
It's filmed in genuine Jean de Florette Peasant-O-Vision.

It tries to sell itself using a cast of loveable and funny (eg, patronising and irritating) characters.

It features 'stirring music'.

It's a 'serious' film staring Mel Gibson or Kevin Costner.
 
 
gentleman loser
13:32 / 06.02.02
Yes. John Cusack has sucked for many a moon. I was just too afraid to say it because so many people think "High Fidelity" is a good film. I thought it sucked and it has a classic cliche; the always annoying talking directly to the camera.

How about supposedly heartwarming films starring wacky and charmingly misunderstood mentally ill and/or retarded characters?

Or how about wise cracking clueless dimwits are the only thing between us and ARMAGEDDON!

Or Butt Ugly Old Guys like Woody Allen and Gary Shandling have gorgeous nyphettes throw themselves at them with no apparent explanation. Defies common sense, doesn't it?

Or Kevin Costner directs.

Or ad campaigns that compare the typical Hollywood crapfest to movie classics, i.e.:

It's this year's (insert classic movie here)!

[ 06-02-2002: Message edited by: gentleman loser ]
 
 
Knodge - YOUR nemesis!
13:41 / 06.02.02
1) Fisher King
4) Being John Malkovich
5) Lawrence of Arabia (nearly four hours!)
6) The Opposite of Sex
8) Shawshank Redemption (I am positive I have heard it referred to as heartwarming)
10) Black Hawk Down (does this count? Not sure if it was tagged as a Jerry Bruckheimer film... but it says so above the title on the film poster)

I cannot immediately think of anything to refute numbers two, three, seven and nine.
 
 
Ethan Hawke
13:46 / 06.02.02
quote:Originally posted by gentleman loser:
How about supposedly heartwarming films starring wacky and charming misunderstood mentally ill and/or retarded characters?

Or Butt Ugly Old Guys like Woody Allen and Gary Shandling have gorgeous nyphettes throw themselves at them with no apparent explanation. Defies common sense, doesn't it?


There two are excellent - let's call them the "Gump" Rule and the "Jack Nicholson" rule.

Oh, and you also hit it on the head about "High Fidelity." There's no plot, and Cusack just talks to the camera the whole time.

Talking to the camera might be a rule in and of itself, as are narrations (see Moulin Rouge for the most pointless narrator ever) but there are probably more exceptions to these than most of the other rules;

which brings me to something else: sure, of course, there are probably one or two exceptions to each of the rules above, and you're not exactly being clever for pointing them out.

[ 06-02-2002: Message edited by: Todd ]
 
 
videodrome
13:52 / 06.02.02
quote:Originally posted by invix:
The tagline is: 'He's a cop on the edge. She's a woman w/ a dangerous secret. They're both on the run from the Russian mob.'


They Fight Crime!
 
 
Solitaire Rose as Tom Servo
13:52 / 06.02.02
I tend to go by the time of year...any BIG movie that comes out after a big moviegoing season (summer, Giftmas...) is one that the studio knows sucks and wants to dump quietly.

Any movie where after seeing the trailer, they have told the entire story of the movie.

Any movie where they publicize one of the stars either "stretching themselves" or where the star's nude scene is talked about more than the plot.
 
 
Fengs for the Memory
13:53 / 06.02.02
Chuck Norris, plays a Nam Vet for the 900th time. The only thing left to rescue is some dignity.
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
14:24 / 06.02.02
Steven Segal is in it. Or Jean-Claude Van Damme.
 
 
Mazarine
15:20 / 06.02.02
Mandy Moore is in it. Or Britney Spears.
 
 
Ria
15:42 / 06.02.02
exclamation or question mark in title.

slugline description of film as a dark comedy, dark thriller... etc.

Kim Basinger. anyone from [I]SNL[/]. a name star playing a character more noble than themselves.
 
 
Tezcatlipoca
16:24 / 06.02.02
And only two days until the UK release of From Hell.....oh dear...
 
 
Hieronymus
16:54 / 06.02.02
quote:Originally posted by Todd:
Top 10 (some are obvious, I know)

(1) It stars Robin Williams.


Bah. Double bah. Williams has done some seriously oversentimental tripe since Garp, sure. But One Hour Photo, Death to Smoochy and Insomnia'll have you eating your words, mister! The bastard has talent. He's just been coasting on it for too damn long.

Fuck I've been jonesing to see him play a heavy since Mork and freakin Mindy. Here's to hoping he gets his hands good and dirty.
 
 
Elijah, Freelance Rabbi
17:35 / 07.02.02
There was an incredible web based advert campaign that ended up more interesting than the film (the AI rule)
it involves a main char who is either
A) a trucker
B) arm wrestling champ
C) both (See Over the top)
a film directed by sly stallone
 
 
Ethan Hawke
18:04 / 07.02.02
For some reason, I love that movie. Over the Top, that is. The sheer crappiness of it astounds me.
 
 
kid coagulant
18:47 / 07.02.02
'Over The Top' is good, but it's no 'Cobra'.
'Crime is the disease. Meet the Cure.' http://us.imdb.com/Title?0090859
 
 
Baz Auckland
20:31 / 07.02.02
Don't forget the everlasting:

"It's this year's Pulp Fiction!"

which is still used 8 years later....yikes.
 
 
ill tonic
23:17 / 07.02.02
If a movie has more then three producers ... it's gonna suck ... (altho theres the odd exception) ... too many cooks in the kitchen ... same goes for writers ---

anything that announces "from the producers of..."
 
 
rizla mission
12:48 / 08.02.02
By by calculations, Sly Stallone has NEVER actually been in a good film (exception: Deathrace 2000), so it's a fair bet that anything with him in will suck.
 
 
The Knowledge +1
12:52 / 08.02.02
It's got listed as the director Francis Ford Coppola, and it was made after 1985.
 
 
The Return Of Rothkoid
12:55 / 08.02.02
quote:Originally posted by Rizla Year Zero:
By by calculations, Sly Stallone has NEVER actually been in a good film (exception: Deathrace 2000), so it's a fair bet that anything with him in will suck.
Copland is fine. He plays a Springsteen-esque loser rather well, and has a beer-gut. And Janeane Garofalo as a partner. So you can't be arguing with that.
 
 
The Knowledge +1
13:27 / 08.02.02
Yeah I swa Copland the other day. Stallone is BRILLIANT at playing the Snoopy-eyed innocent giant, he's really good.

And what about Rocky? He's fucking ace.

Don't dis Stallone, fuckwads.
 
 
Haus about we all give each other a big lovely huggle?
14:31 / 08.02.02
Copland is redeemed by Janeane Garofalo's luminous performance amidst a passle of underperforming has-beens.

And Stallone is utterly unconvincing as Douglas Coupland. I can't think of a more apalling miscast since Christopher Walken as Chris Claremont in Fatbeard Fuckmachine.
 
 
captain piss
15:05 / 08.02.02
The involvement of Bacon is usually a fairly good early marker, if a film is likely to reek. What is it with that guy and a 20-yr career during which he has managed to deftly sidestep promising scripts and man-of-the-moment style roles in favour of sci-fi B-movie shit and just...piss like Sleepers
 
 
captain piss
15:15 / 08.02.02
I like Copland, actually- must be the most demanding role Stallone's ever played, or the only one that's slightly morally ambiguous anyway.

Just as an aside on the Kevin Bacon issue- I've just found a site where you can do the 7 Steps to Kevin Bacon thing with any actor- well, it amuses me anyway. It's at http://www.cs.virginia.edu/oracle/

It even gives you a league table of which actors its easiest to link to other actors - Christopher Lee is top, strangely
 
  

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