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Run for the hills: the thread of abject terror

  
  

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Disco is My Class War
14:17 / 28.05.07
Here we go, another 'feelings' thread. It's not exactly 'miserable', not 'angry' and not the kind of thing that ticks you off and might even raise a frown. This thread is for when you're feeling The Fear rising in you (and I don't mean Jack Fear), your spine is crawling, when you're not sleeping nights because you're scared and you can't face it. Tell us what you're scared of, and who knows, maybe it'll get a little less scary.

(What a pretext for a thread, eh!)

I am freaking out. I was really sick recently, and in my pneumonic delirium, thinking I'd be better soon and that the flashes of delirious genius I was having indicated that I could do anything, I agreed to write two 5000 word papers by the end of June. One is due in three weeks. It's for a conference I am co-organising, so it has to be good. I only thought up the topic as I was deliriating, and I have done NO RESEARCH for it, bar early notes and an abstract.

I also agreed to help organise a book launch, make badges to sell at said book launch, be on a seminar panel about trans health, run a (different) workshop on trans health activism, and source two films for a screening, all of which is happening ON THE SAME WEEKEND, in two weeks.

Meanwhile, it has been three months since I did any real work on my PhD thesis, and my supervisor is starting to get a look in her eyes, like "You are wasting my time." That's when I actually meet with her; mostly I avoid her and slink around the department hoping I don't run into her. In fact, I've been avoiding her so much she doesn't even know I've been sick; I was supposed to give her some work last week, but I didn't do any, and now I STILL haven't done any work,. And the stupid doctor I went to said, "You have light pneumonia," and then gave me a medical certificate for one day. I was in bed for a week and a half.

I have one year left of my PhD scholarship, and I am nowhere near a year off finishing it. At this stage, every bit of leave I can get will extend my time, even by a week or two, which is why the doctor sucked. If I could only write... But I can't bring myself to work on my thesis. The more I think about it, the more I panic, the less I can write. I can borrow books from the library, I can even plan chapters down to each paragraph; but I can't write it. It comes out wrong. Everything I write is lame and boring; I've lost my flow. I got some praise/interest from some big name academics recently. It was great, but paradoxically this brings on more panic; the pressure of having to live up to their idea of me, and fulfil the obligations of the protege (heaven help me I don't even know what they are) makes me cringe and want to shrivel into a ball. I've considered quitting altogether, but I don't want to, I'm stubborn. If I don't start writing soon, though, I'm going to get even more depressed.

Oh, and I got to hating my extra-cash job so much that when I was there I would just seethe with depression/hostility, and finally I just stopped turning up to my shifts. They would call to and I wouldn't answer my phone. It's been three weeks, and I'm just about to be very, very poor instead of pretty poor. I am too ashamed of my screwy behaviour to ask for my job back, even though I'm sure they don't care, as it's a call centre. I can't stand doing any more market research. I'm worth more than this; I am smart, well-qualified, and should be able to get a job I like. (How come I ended up working there, then? says the voice in my head.) But being broke makes me feel crazy panicked.

Okay, so I did just go through a rough break-up, and all sorts of emotional dramas that have been eating up my head. That explains why it's hard to keep functioning normally. But fuck, everything is going wrong. I don't know what I'm going to do. Help. And I'm sorry this is so long. Thanks for reading.
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
15:18 / 28.05.07
Oh gah. Poor you.

Re. the having taken on extra work whilst not entirely in your right mind: you know, if I were the other person I hope I would not be terribly miffed if a recently post-pneumonia Disco phoned me up and confessed to having made an unwise offer whilst not quite in realspace due to no fault of his own. Maybe you can negotiate your commitment down a notch or two to something more managable.

I totally do not blame you for walking out of the call centre and never wanting to speak to them again. I hope you find something more appropriate soon.

Re. the Horrible Creeping Thesisphobia: I get that kind of thing myself. I'm not a PHd student obvs but I do have work/study things that need to be got on with under my own steam a lot of the time. You know what I find helps? Kitchen timer. Sounds brainless but it does actually seem to help. When I'm faced with a daunting chore I set the timer for fifteen minutes and then have at it for that period. I don't worry so much about what I'm actually going to do during that time, I just do what I can for 15 minutes. Often that short period of time is enough to break the spell and I end up going for a lot longer, but even if that doesn't happen I'm still 15 minutes more on top of whatever-it-was than previously.
 
 
Papess
15:21 / 28.05.07
My gosh, that must feel overwhelming, Disco. I really don't know what to say that would console you, except maybe some seemingly trite advice. That would be: try to focus on little bits at a time, instead of the entirety of your responsibilities. I know, not terribly helpful, but when I am overwhelmed - and that can be often - that is what helps me to get things done. They definately won't get done if I don't start on just one thing. And one thing at a time.

Best of luck to you as well, because it doesn't hurt to have some!
 
 
Papess
15:23 / 28.05.07
Maybe you can negotiate your commitment down a notch or two to something more managable.

That is a very good idea, if it is possible.
 
 
MattShepherd: I WEDDED KALI!
17:15 / 28.05.07
I had a whole thing written about how I do the same overcommitment/arrrgh/meltdown cycle and how I cope, but it was really Reader's Digest when I read it back to myself, all "Make lists!" and "Re-delegate!" So I'll just say this instead:

Dude, you're obviously as smart as hell and obviously liked and respected by your peers and your predecessors. All your problems seem to come from not wanting to let people down, and a natural tendency to be enthusiastic and involved with life. You might have a shit month coming to you, but I find it hard to see how you can't possibly come up roses long-term.
 
 
grant
18:53 / 28.05.07
43 Folders likes the kitchen timer as part of something called a "dash".

And has other kinds of advice, too.
 
 
This Sunday
20:07 / 28.05.07
That's really horrible. But, yes, I'll second or third the negotiation suggestion, and further, I'll suggest paying attention to grant's links. They look very useful. More advice would just be to pay attention grant, who is also frequently very useful.

And loads of wishing you well and general presumption that because you post good, you'll be back on your feet in time to not need to be on your feet, having found a comfy chair.
 
 
alas
00:24 / 29.05.07
If I could only write... But I can't bring myself to work on my thesis. The more I think about it, the more I panic, the less I can write. I can borrow books from the library, I can even plan chapters down to each paragraph; but I can't write it. It comes out wrong. Everything I write is lame and boring; I've lost my flow. I got some praise/interest from some big name academics recently. It was great, but paradoxically this brings on more panic; the pressure of having to live up to their idea of me, and fulfil the obligations of the protege (heaven help me I don't even know what they are) makes me cringe and want to shrivel into a ball. I've considered quitting altogether, but I don't want to, I'm stubborn. If I don't start writing soon, though, I'm going to get even more depressed.

Disco, I've totally been exactly there. What I did, was to sneakily change my dissertation topic to the thing I was actually working on while I was procrastinating doing my dissertation. This made it a little harder to work on the thing I had been working on, that became my dissertation, but I had already started on it, so it felt easier.

I doubt your work is as lame as you think it is. A truism, anyway, is: "there's no good writing, only good re-writing." Let it be shit. Don't expect it to be all rosy. Keep writing and it will get better. Don't be afraid to have readers at ANY stage in the writing. Professors like to see messy stuff they can work with.

I don't know the system where you are and I don't know the individual prof you're worknig with, but as a professor, I am a very busy person. I worry about my students' progress, of course, but when they are not turning stuff in, I don't feel like they are"wasting my time"; I'm busy doing other stuff. I don't want a zillion pages turned in at once that I haven't had a chance to read any of before, especially if there's any chance it's going to need serious revisions at a fundamental level, but when students come see me, even with only little bits of writing, at least it gives me something to work with.

As a prof, my advice is: don't avoid your prof. That's totally counterintuitive, but most of us would rather just have you be honest AND not in apologizing/"I'm so sorry your highness mode" but in "problem-solving" mode. "I have screwed up, I've also had health problems and I'm intimidated by this whole process and my own expectations; here's my current plan, here's what I've got (bring notes, rough drafts, etc.) here's what I'm going to do."

Finally, I wrote two chapters of my dissertation after I went to a grant-writing workshop and got nearly identical advice to what grant and others are offering. For him, it was "1/2 hour of writing a day, every day (or 6 days a week, minimum), no more no less."

It's TOTALLY common for PhD students to get into "researching researching but I can't write" mode. The research is never done, never feels done, because it isn't. You write to figure out what more you actually REALLY need to write what you need to write. Do it in 1/2 hour bursts, and then the rest of the day you're aware of it, you may dash to the library to get that book that you figured out you needed or get online to get an article and read it, but you commit to 1/2 hour a day and it's AMAZING what you can actually get done.

I hope this helps. You CAN do this. You are much smarter than you feel. Feeling like a fraud, like you're not as good as they think, is totally par for the smart-student course. This is part of every good student's process. You really will surprise yourself, I'm sure of it, and yet you'll still feel like "yes but it was kind of dashed off and I don't like chapter 3 very well, and ..." It's all right. No academic worth their academic salt feels really pleased with their own writing.
 
 
Disco is My Class War
02:37 / 29.05.07
Thankyou, everyone, for the sympathy and encouraging remarks and advice. You are all so very lovely. A lot of this is about time management, and saying no to stuff. The kitchen timer idea sounds genius, and so does offloading at least some of my commitments. And I'm going to try to write for half an hour today, try to finish one paragraph. If that works out, I might do a little more.

This is also about working out why I'm over-committing myself in a dozen different directions, and neglecting the thing that I care about most. It all comes down to my counter-intuitive project of self-neglect. I've been real angry with myself lately, and this is the way I punish myself: make my life too difficult, set impossible tasks, refuse to nurture the parts of me that need to grow, distract myself with stuff that's less important. "I don't deserve to finish my thesis!" That's what my brain tells me. And the solution to that lies in the direction of the Temple, really.

alas, you sound like a really good advisor. I'm pretty sure that my supervisor doesn't really think I'm wasting her time; she is incredibly understanding and generous. And yeah, I know she would rather I was honest. I'll get there. Thanks!
 
 
sorenson
04:00 / 29.05.07
Oh Disco. It's been a rough year.

I know I am definitely not the person to give advice, seeing as I am the person who felt like you and then gave up, but this from alas (along with everything else, actually), I think is very true:

I doubt your work is as lame as you think it is. A truism, anyway, is: "there's no good writing, only good re-writing." Let it be shit. Don't expect it to be all rosy. Keep writing and it will get better. Don't be afraid to have readers at ANY stage in the writing. Professors like to see messy stuff they can work with.

I KNOW your work isn't as lame as you think it is. I also often found that doing free writing, just about everything that ran through my head, sometimes turned into useful sentences and ideas.

Also, find another doctor - one who will give you a decent amount of leave for all the shit you've been through recently.

Finally, big big faith in you and love and support and all that stuff. Always here to bitch to if you need to.
 
 
Princess
07:29 / 03.06.07
I've just thrown my life up in the air.
And my friends.

I'm not really sure if it was the right thing to do, but I can't undo it. And he cried, and I didn't feel anything. And we seperated.

But then, we had sex. And we said we would try dating again. And I can't help but feel I've fucked everything up whatever happens.
 
 
Alex's Grandma
11:29 / 03.06.07
Disco;

Actually, running for the hills mightn't be such a bad idea, if it's at all practical in terms of your committments, and financially, and so on. A chunk of time spent away from home, ideally somewhere out in the country where there's nothing much to do except write, can help a lot with the creative process, I've found, especially with a project that's already underway.
 
 
Disco is My Class War
12:38 / 03.06.07
Princess: Dude. That sounds really hard. I mean, if it's what you want, then I guess that's good, but even when you know you're doing the right thing, breaking up with smoeone feels like you're bringing everything crashing down. Take good care of yourself, and eat well, and try to make sure you sleep enough.

And Granny -- heh! I'm about due for a visit to my parental rural retreat. And yeah, sometimes running for the hills is the best idea possible. Or running for the sea. Somewhere with sea and hills, ideally, so it's good all round!
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
12:46 / 26.06.07
Well, this is going to look very small and foolish next to the colossal upheavals described upthread, but anyway...

Okay so tomorrow I am flying to the US to meet a group of people from another forum. (Yes, I am cheating on Barbelith.) I'm feeling nervous, wobbly, and made of fail. I am afraid that I will fail at getting into America (will miss plane, lose passport, etc etc). Besides that I've never actually met anyone else who's going before, and the gathering includes people who I have a lot of respect for. This leads to more fears eg will fail at runes, heathen, magjix, social skills 101 etc etc.

Meep, essentially.
 
 
Sibelian 2.0
14:56 / 26.06.07

I hope you take this in the way it is intended, but it doesn't sound to me, having seen your expertise and absorbed some TTS vibe from the lith, that you have much to worry about regarding planes, new colleagues and studied practice. I'm guessing you can hold your own.

Even if they know more than you, this is good, ultimately, no?
 
 
*
15:03 / 26.06.07
You will be embraced and loved. How could they help it?

I was feeling like running for the hills yesterday, but I think I've got it all worked out. Which amazes me. So if I can do it you can too!
 
 
Ron Stoppable
15:06 / 26.06.07
Jeez, Princess - harsh.

For what it's worth (maybe very little) I'm sure your experience is echoed by others - I know I've been there or somewhere nearby. I suspect other, more sage heads will be nodding in recognition.

Not that any of this helps you right now, of course, but it might be encouraging to know that you're not alone, that it sucks but tends to work out in the end, that which does not kill us only makes us more clichéd etc.

The situation giving me the Fear at the moment is that through a combination of dumb luck and quickfooted blagging, I've just been given a new role at work; managing a group of lovely people, all of whom do this job far, far better than I and it seems inevitable that it won't be long before I'm Found Out. This will be a bad thing and the anticipation of it keeps catching me unawares and leaving me very, very worried.
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
15:24 / 26.06.07
(It's ironic that I am, in fact, running for the hills, and that this is the source of my anxiety.)
 
 
*
15:32 / 26.06.07
Hey, maybe this is a good opportunity to make the folks back home calm down and forget about you?
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
15:37 / 26.06.07
How can I be happy about that when I'm less than 30 hours away from being UNMASKED AS THE FRAUD I AM!?
 
 
Ron Stoppable
15:42 / 26.06.07
Strangers, I'm with you.

Do you drink? Start on the flight. Start now! Hey presto: instant confidence, unassailable cool and affable charm.

Or alternatively, anaesthetic. Either's good.
 
 
Closed for Business Time
15:44 / 26.06.07
Tts, isn't it a long established fact here on Barbelith that we could all do with some regular smashing of REALITY TUNNELZ?1!11!!!! As such, have no fear! Smashing is good!

But seriously, fingers crossed on all counts, legal, physical, social and spiritual. Not that I think you'll need it, but, ya know. Luck. Good.
 
 
Tsuga
21:51 / 26.06.07
Yes, TTS, if you can, let go and enjoy yourself. You're obviously no dumbass, you're well-respected by pretty much all around here, and that says alot.
 
 
Disco is My Class War
00:46 / 27.06.07
Tts, I totally get the scary about feeling like you'll be unmasked as a fraud. But I bet everyone else going to this meet probably feels the same way.... And I bet some of them will turn out to be frauds, too. (While some of them will turn out to be amazing, we hope! Not to be too cynical here.)

Have a really awesome trip!
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
05:28 / 27.06.07
Thanks guys.
 
 
Leigh Monster loses its cool
05:31 / 27.06.07
America?? yay! you can always come running back to barbelith and the american barbeloids will give you hugs and tea. f'reals.
 
 
Leigh Monster loses its cool
06:04 / 27.06.07
My run-for-the-hills is also about running for the hills. I've been home for two weeks in the past 6 months, and all the rest of that time has been spent in completely new and unfamiliar environments. Except for school, I haven't spent more than two or three weeks in any one place. I was exhausted from traveling when I came home, but within a week I realized that I'd become addicted to my self-imposed exile and I had to leave. It was too boring and also too scary to get involved with people at home again when I hadn't had to deal with the problems and realities of long-term friendships for such a long time. At the same time, I'm terrified because none of the friendships that I made in the past six months are guaranteed to mean anything in the future, and I'm exceedingly adrift. I also fell in love while I was traveling and will likely never see or speak to that person again, and losing something that lovely makes it all seem even more transient and unstable.

I'm afraid that going back to school in America for my last year with all my old friends is going to either suffocate me and drive me crazy, because I've lost my connections there, or else kill my wanderlust and hit me with inertia again, because I'll reform those connections. It's the end of my first day as a deckhand on a brigantine in LA, new work I know nothing about and new companions I've never met, and I'll be here for the next six weeks and I already feel like I need to plan my next escape. eek.
 
 
Spaniel
08:31 / 27.06.07
Obviously things may differ for you, Leigh, but many of my friends are people I've known for vast swathes of time and I'm not sure that's held me back in any way. If anything they've helped contribute to strong feelings of personal security and stability - which, from time to time, have been really important for my well being.
 
 
Shiny: Well Over Thirty
06:13 / 29.06.07
Oh boy. Terror rising now. In just under a couple of hours in my capacity as a union rep I'll be accompanying a disabled member of the union to a review in which there is every chance she's going to be issued with her notice for taking execessive sick leave. I've know about it all week, but until today I've been strangely lacking in terror - but today it's arrived in spades.

I know my shit with the Disability Discrimination Act and all the associated bits of law and precedent, and I'm confident I could win a debate with anyone about why it would be both wrong and not in line with the law to sack my member - but unfortunately who wins the debate doesn't really affect the outcome in these things, since management are ready and able to act as they see fit whoever's right.

I know my member is quite rightly a lot more scared than I am, and I'm trying not to let my fear show IRL, but it's nice to be able to express my nervousness reasonably annonymously here.
 
 
Spaniel
14:32 / 29.06.07
How'd it go?
 
 
Shiny: Well Over Thirty
14:53 / 29.06.07
Fairly well. About the best possible outcome. The senior manager had already decided to grant an extension of the review period, and a further occupational health review, before we even walked into the room, which is what we where hoping for. It's still not brilliant because my member is still on review, and may well still be dismissed at the end of this three months of review - but it could have been a lot worse. This is the most senior manager we've dealt with by far on this issue - but helpfully this manager was someone who is actually very intelligent and a pretty reasonable, decent human being in my opinion.

I know this manager, from either areas of work, and I know that she's one of the best ones, but up until this point most of the the managers we've dealt with have either lacked the power to be helpful or have been actively extremely unhelpful, and obstructive, and seemed to actually want to sack my member, so my expectations had been set pretty low. Helpfully our regional manager who is now in charge of the process seemed to actually want to not sack our member, so I'd say it went well.

Of course my member is still stressed and upset as she has to manage a difficult and painful medical condition, and deal with being under review, and the possibility of losing her job for another three months, and it would have been much better for her if she'd been taken of review - but we already knew that just wasn't going to happen today.

So not a win really, but definitely not a lose either.
 
 
Disco is My Class War
00:39 / 30.06.07
I'm very glad. That sounds like a horrid position to be in, for you, but doubly horrible for your member. I hope she can deal with the pressure of being under review okay, so that at the end of the three months, they have less ammunition to sack hir.
 
 
Spaniel
09:41 / 30.06.07
Well done, Shiny
 
 
Sekhmet
23:29 / 02.07.07
Impending motherhood arrrgh scary scary clueless don't know anything about babies or kids have never changed a diaper in my life does labor hurt as much as everyone says and who the hell do I think I am bringing another life into this fucked up world anyway?

I thought I was ready for this. But I don't think I am. Is anyone ever really ready to have another utterly helpless human being be completely dependent on them? This is a person who will no doubt be talking about me to their therapist in a couple of decades. She'll probably blame me for everything.

Would try taking deep breaths but baby has feet jammed up into diaphragm and is using bladder as punching bag. Gasp need bathroom.

And someone please tell me: why would anyone do this more than once? Does childbirth really cause selective amnesia? I have heard that it does. That's the only possible explanation, really, because pregnancy SUCKS. But I would do it for another eighteen years if it would keep me from having to deal with actually giving birth and trying to guide someone else through all the shit I've dealt with so badly in my lifetime. She'll run away from home. She'll hate me. She'll turn out to be a serial killer.

I'm not enough of a grownup to do this! Where do I get my how to be a grownup training? Do babies come with user manuals? Please tell me they do. And a reset button for when I really fuck it all up?
 
 
sorenson
00:50 / 03.07.07
Oh god this thread is the place for me.

Sekhmet - I hear you so loud and strong it is deafening. Only we've got two on the way - one due this month (THIS MONTH!!!!), and one due in November. I'm terrified - not so much about labour (because I've done me research and set it up in a way that I am comfortable with, and besides, it only lasts a couple of days at most). But when I think about having children, and everything that involves, for the rest of my life, I feel an abyss of fear yawning in front of me, and it makes me want to vomit...

At the same time, on an admittedly much smaller scale, I am bog scared about a presentation I have to give for work tomorrow and Thursday. It's my last week! It's to people who hate us! I am not the best qualified person to be doing this! Why is my manager doing this to me? Is it some kind of punishment for getting pregnant and leaving?
 
  

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