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I Hate Jools Holland!

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Regrettable Juvenilia

14:30 / 05.09.07

Gypsy Lantern

14:31 / 05.09.07

I read somewhere that when the The Fall appeared on Later..., Mark E Smith had the BBC write it into his contract that Jools Holland under no circumstances could play "boogie woogie piano" on any of the songs that they performed.

Alex's Grandma

14:38 / 05.09.07

It occurred to me during the Young Knives performance that live, the singer and guitarist should hire session musicians to do the honours, while they perform a Gilbert and George dance stage centre. It would improve their act immeasurably.

All Acting Regiment

14:38 / 05.09.07

It's interesting that you put Mark there, Fly. My mythical hate-figure when it comes to Holland is somebody more like Jez, but not quite - a little like Jez, a little like the dinner-party people on Monkey Dust who always end up blowing up with a grenade or something.

All Acting Regiment

14:44 / 05.09.07

I.E. people who have never, ever watched Doctor Who.

And they write irritating, unceasingly negative comments on The Guardian's blogs site (DaveSheridan_21:"Ha! As if anyone ever made any money from writing - a lot of people these days think they can just sit around with a laptop and write a novel of genius! It's just not going to happen! You know - journalists, shy Oxford graduates, timid at dinner with a publisher's agent - who's been paid to be nice to them." MilkyJoe: Yes, I agree with DaveSheridan, all those bastards.")

Or, "Mickey". Or those two idiots from that car advert where the chaps trash a wine-growing villa place.

I don't know why I associate these things.

All Acting Regiment

14:44 / 05.09.07

Also that fucking advert with the fucking posh couple in their fucking magic car that solves all their fucking family problems.

Regrettable Juvenilia

15:18 / 05.09.07

I was refering to the Young Knifes, Allmacto, and their resemblance to members of the Shadow Cabinet.

Mysterious Transfer Student

16:39 / 05.09.07

I for one could pay heed to further items from Allecto's shit list, nodding along appreciately like a Late Review panellist, for maybe a bit longer. No false hits so far.

Mysterious Transfer Student

16:41 / 05.09.07

Appreciatively, even.

Is the magic family car the same one that causes the Ben and Hannah Huggins type guy and girl to decide to get married after they go for a short drive in it? Even if not, it's going in the hopper.

All Acting Regiment

12:44 / 06.09.07

That's the one. And the other one where a hideously posh school reveals a hideously posh family, who argue, and then they get in a car and it's alright. Fuckers. The fact that it's so clearly a school they have to pay to send their kid to.

You know that advert for insurance with the sattelite that crashes on the car?

I want a button on my remote that makes that happen whenever I want. Not just in adverts, either.

All Acting Regiment

12:46 / 06.09.07

The Young Knives is an English indie rock and post-punk revival band from Ashby-de-la-Zouch, Leicestershire. The name is based on a misunderstanding of "young knaves", which was found by the band by rummaging through a book.

The band is known for its energetic live performances and their taste in tweed outfits ...

You know what, tweed is really, really good, and deserves better.

Mistoffelees

16:36 / 06.09.07

Those guys remind me of Harry and the Potters.

Princess

17:48 / 06.09.07

The Young Knives and Pandora from the Adrian Mole books.
That is my town's cultural heritage.

Oh dear.

All Acting Regiment

12:18 / 07.09.07

Who knew that Cameron (piece of shit, er, number 2) and Boris Johnson (pointless prate, er, number 8) were once an indie band?

Oh, my mistake, it's the exclusive Bullingdon Club.

All Acting Regiment

12:27 / 07.09.07

Seriously though, look at number 4 and number 5. I can just hear a sort of "kring kring kring" of guitars and a "Woah-oh...woah-oh..." chorus now, and some video where they get attacked by people in tracksuits or argue with their dad, or they're in a limousine with Lily Allen or something.

Blake Head

20:23 / 09.10.07

Now I know for some music fans on the board that it will be a toss up between this and the next installment in Chris Moyles' literary career for this year's most anticipated Christmas present, but without wishing to hurt anyone's feelings - is it just me or is Jools' head just ever so slightly large relative to the rest of his torso? Is it just in this picture or did God get carried away using Photoshop? What size are the man's legs? What's going on?

iamus

01:11 / 10.10.07

That's quite a smirk.

Mono

09:46 / 10.10.07

And he's READING EXCERPTS FROM IT AS THE BOOK OF THE WEEK ON RADIO 4.

My bleeding ears.....

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

11:46 / 10.10.07

He's doing FUCKING WHAT???

Oh, Radio 4, how could you betray me so...

Eloi Tsabaoth

11:50 / 10.10.07

Even worse, they're not actually scheduled. At any point Holland's voice could suddenly cut into any of your favourite programmes, detailing an argument about kites he had with Glenn Tilbrook...

Alex's Grandma

11:54 / 10.10.07

Not to worry.

Did Jools sleep with Paula Yates, or didn't he? I don't suppose anyone minds much either way by now. At least certainly not to the tune (played on jazz piano) of £15.99 a throw, or whatever the cost is.

(It's a source of grim personal satisfaction that Alex 'Cheese Farmer' James' autobio is already in the remainder bin in the bookshop down the road)

johnny enigma

08:58 / 11.10.07

I was under the impression that absolutely everybody slept with Paula Yates, including your Dad, Roland Rat and the entire cast of Fame.

Still, the thought of 'orrible Hollland sleeping with anyone at all is pretty gruesome. Imagine that face contorted in the pleasures of orgasm as he ruts away, possibly still wearing one of his many black shirts.

God, I really really hate Jools Holland..........

Less searchable M0rd4nt

09:46 / 11.10.07

Urrrrrrgggghh, did you HAVE to?

Triplets

13:06 / 11.10.07