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The Most Complicated Coffee-Beverage In The World

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Tim Tempest

17:28 / 15.02.07

Like a double double triple mocha frappaccino sow cow. With skim milk.

Ok for reals, yall: One of my best mates just got a job at a local coffee shop...so, on their first day of work, I would like to order the most *ridiculuolulicoiuulous cappuccino whatever, on Earth.

Oh, and I don't know a damn thing about coffee.

So help me out here. What is the craziest coffee drink?

*The odd spelling of "ridiculous" is being used to further emphasize the ridiculousness of the beverage.

grant

17:36 / 15.02.07

That has to be Kopi Luwak, but it might be out of your price range.

I know it's out of mine.

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

17:40 / 15.02.07

Someone at the shop brings up the civet coffee at least once a month.

Ridiculous coffee drinks, you say? Hmm. Being a barista I've pretty much heard it all and am thankful to work at a place that doesn't ri-goddamn-diculous coffeespeak?

Shove your venti up your arse, stupid Starbucks sheeple.

I'll tell you the most disgusting thing I've ever had make: a strawberry soy latte with extra syrup and an additional espresso shot. Urgh.

Elijah, Freelance Rabbi

18:04 / 15.02.07

I am really into the mildly complicated and gross to some folks Vietnamese Coffee

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

18:08 / 15.02.07

I've always wanted to try that.

*sigh*

Only if I can make it with decaf, though...

Spaniel

18:09 / 15.02.07

All this coffee business winds me up no end.

I know, I'm a grumpy shit, but at least I'm consistent.

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

18:11 / 15.02.07

Are you anti-coffee, Boboss?

grant

18:17 / 15.02.07

I think the most ridiculous coffee drink has to involve some kind of syrup and pumpkin pie spice.

Perhaps soy pumpkin pie spice decaf chai coffee latte?

Something along those lines. Only with a syrup in it, too.

grant

18:19 / 15.02.07

Soy pumpkin pie spice decaf chai coffee latte Creole.

has molasses in it.

Elijah, Freelance Rabbi

18:46 / 15.02.07

That sounds like poison to me.

And Kali, I picked up one of the coffee devices for $5, and you can use any machine ground coffee you want.

grant

18:50 / 15.02.07

Actually, chai is just cardamom, cinnamon, ginger, cloves and sometimes black pepper. Pumpkin pie spice is pretty similar, only with nutmeg and mace in it, maybe allspice, no pepper or cardamom, probably no ginger.

So I think... I think it just might be palatable.

Chiropteran

19:12 / 15.02.07

I use pumpkin pie spice all the time to make our cheap office coffee drinkable. Either that or hot chocolate and Jamaican curry powder (if I'm going to be walking in the cold). Better than it sounds.

There was a Banned Books Week event at a local college last year where everyone was invited to make a coffee drink based on their favorite banned book - Lady Chatterley's Latte, that sort of thing. I didn't make it to the event, but I heard some of the concoctions got rather involved. I'll see if I can dig up any details.

Saint Keggers

19:27 / 15.02.07

Not exactly 'coffee' but I want one of these.

"The burner under the water boiler is lit, and it boils the water into steam which travels along the pipe to the clear glass container (where the coffee rests). The steam condenses and mixes with the steamed coffee until the metal globe has been emptied of water - at which point it shuts off automaticaly. Then, the metal globe starts to suck the water back up through the tube (gravity and vacuum helping here) and you end up with a globe of apparently quite fine coffee!

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

19:30 / 15.02.07

Perhaps soy pumpkin pie spice decaf chai coffee latte?

I made so many of these for vegans over the Christmas holidays.

Tim Tempest

19:48 / 15.02.07

grant, I am SO ordering that pumpkin pie spiced god awful sounding beverage.

Saint Keggers

19:52 / 15.02.07

"soy pumpkin pie spice decaf chai coffee latte?"

Pardon my lack of knowledge,but isnt chai tea? Is there any actual coffee in there?

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

19:54 / 15.02.07

No, there isn't.

Saint Keggers

20:00 / 15.02.07

Then my next question is: "WTF?"

One day I will open a coffee shop. The menu will consist of one word. Coffee. In bold fonts.

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

20:05 / 15.02.07

Y'see, I'm with you on this. One of these days I want to open up my own coffee house, emphasis on COFFEE not motherfucking candy bar in a cup.

Saint Keggers

20:08 / 15.02.07

I may keep a cow outside should they want milk in their coffee.

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

20:11 / 15.02.07

It doesn't get more organic than that, does it?

Saint Keggers

20:52 / 15.02.07

Only if you ate the beans right off the plant.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

21:13 / 15.02.07

WHAT IS WITH THE "DECAF" SHIT???

I never understood alcohol-free beer either. Or nicotine-free cigarettes.

When did people get the idea they could have vices without having to worry about the consequences?

It's part of the deal, people.

Why the fuck do you WANT vices that aren't bad for you?

...am I getting this all the wrong way round? I think I may be.

grant

21:20 / 15.02.07

isnt chai tea? Is there any actual coffee in there?

Chai is *usually* tea, but it's also used to describe coffee made with the same spices.

It's basically Thai iced coffee.

Red Concrete

21:21 / 15.02.07

Shove your venti up your arse, stupid Starbucks sheeple.

Kali, I know you're being a little facetious, but I beginning to wonder if Dora is based on you?

grant

21:22 / 15.02.07

Oh, and yeah, I know "chai" comes from a word that literally means "tea," but that's why the order is *ridiculous*.

Saint Keggers

21:29 / 15.02.07

Coffee humour

Foamy sizes things up

Foamy says it like it is

Baz Auckland

22:37 / 15.02.07

*ahem* now rember, the correct order of 'calling' a nasty Starbucks drink is as follows:

Decaf (or ignore if normal)
Shot (double, triple shot, etc.)
Size
Syrup (gingerbread, cinnamon, vanilla, almond, etc.)
Milk (soy, 2%, cream, etc.)
Drink (Latte, Cappucino, etc.)
Extras (whipped cream, caramel, chocolate)

So to correctly order a disgusting, $8.00 drink, you need to say:

Decaf, 5 shot, Grande, Soy, Gingerbread, Green Tea Latte with Whip Cream and Caramel.

On the bright side, if anyone did order this, their teeth would fall out, and their heart would explode... which serves you right for ordering drinks that equal what the barista is paid per hour...

astrojax69

00:03 / 16.02.07

given the appalling results i get too often, the most difficult thing for a barrista to do is make me a decent espresso! (loui's in canberra entirely and deliberately excluded from this comment, of course. o, loui, i'd marry you if you weren't already taken!)

anything more than this is not 'coffee', but 'a caffeinated beverage' as far as me is concerned...

grant

00:08 / 16.02.07

A half-decaf double!

You GOTTA add half-decaf double to the front of the order!!

Make me Uncomfortable

00:26 / 16.02.07

A little googling, and I found this on paulsop.com:

Non fat half caff tripple grande quarter sweet sugar free vanilla non-fat lactaid extra hot extra foamy caramel macchiato

And on Yahoo! Answers:

restretto venti 4 pump blackberry, 1/4 egg nog, 3/4 2% milk, no water, eatra hot, no whip, 2 pump tazo chai

Personally, I would go for a conflation and expansion of the two:

non fat half caff triple 1/4 egg nog grande quarter sweet 4 pump blackberry sugar free vanilla non-fat lactaid extra hot extra foamy affigato (but OR affigato, not XOR) 2 pump chai caramel macchiato... in a venti "cold drink" cup with Whipped Cream, coconut flakes, red sprinkles (like on peppermint fraps in wintertime), and chocolate syrup. To go. With a cardboard travel platter. Betch.

Hawthorn

09:38 / 16.02.07

I've often ordered a decaf soy latte and wondered if I've ordered anything at all. The purpose for decaf as far as I'm concerned is for when I'm kicking the habit again and just want something warm to drink in the morning, or to tide over the withdrawal.

Quantum

09:46 / 16.02.07

When they ask what you want, try your best impression of Bernard from Black books and blearily shout JUST A NORMAL COFFEE GODDAMMIT!. Get them used to it early, and they'll thank you in the long run.

Quantum

09:47 / 16.02.07

I've often ordered a decaf soy latte

Then you have only yourself to blame when you're given a foul concoction, eh?

Spaniel

10:03 / 16.02.07

I'm not anti-coffee in that I actually quite like the drink, I just find all the fuss around it ridiculous in the extreme.

However, I find the fuss made around other things entirely enjoyable, so quite why coffee is singled out for my wrath, I'm not so sure. I suppose it might be because I'm old enough to have seen the rise of coffee culture in the UK. I think it's newness, and the fact that it doesn't interest me particularly, work together to throw the absurdities of consumerism into light in a way that things I've been around all my life and/or am invested in don't.

I mean, express my indiviuality through coffee? Am I double latte mocha choca guy or a frapaccino cat?

Please to fuck off.

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