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threesomes - how do they work?

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Kali, Queen of Kitteh

10:20 / 08.03.02

The only time I have ever had a threesome--and the only time it seemed to have worked out that way, strangely--was when I was dating a girl some years ago. She and I got slightly giggly with on red wine and cigarettes, then started fooling around. At some point a mutual friend of ours (male) entered the equation. Eventually it was more focused on she and I, and he resigned him to brief occasional touches and watching. Not too bad, really, but to my young brain, it was still strange.

Anyway, we were still all friends--of course, she and I still more so--and were content to have enjoyed that evening. It didn't become a regular thing, but somehow I was unsurprised at that.

Of course, if you're going to do this in a relationship--preferably a serious one--I'd advise it to be a stable honest open relationship. Even then, I think there would be strain involved. Haus is right (oh sweet Jesus, did I just write that?): someone is going to get upset at the transference of what you assume were deep personal feelings for you with another body in the bed. You can expect to happen.

That said, caveat emptor.

Haus about we all give each other a big lovely huggle?

10:33 / 08.03.02

Or caveat uxor....

Haus about we all give each other a big lovely huggle?

11:10 / 08.03.02

quote:Originally posted by Kali:
Haus is right (oh sweet Jesus, did I just write that?)

Oh, and incidentally, OI! You can be surprised that you *agree* with me, since you don't like me, and there is a school of thought that sees the two as somehow cognate, but to be surprised about Haus being right is just psychotic.

Huggles!

[ 08-03-2002: Message edited by: Tannhauser ]

Less searchable M0rd4nt

11:51 / 08.03.02

quote:Originally posted by Dread Pirate Crunchy:
Off topic, do straight people rim?

No, pet. We get our kicks by adjusting the doilies on the nightstand, before climbing into our seperate beds where we pull our colour-coded duvets up to our chins (exposing his'n'hers bedsocks).

11:56 / 08.03.02

It should probably be added that some het types are aware of top/bottom dynamics outside an SM context...

Wrecks City-Zen

19:45 / 08.03.02

quote:Off topic, do straight people rim?
That's like asking if straight people engage in anal sex...

20:00 / 08.03.02

Um, I don't really think it is. Hetties talk about anal sex plenty, and I've had conversations with a few straight kids (m and f) about it. I've never heard a straight person even mention rimming. It seems like it's a pretty big taboo for heterosexuals, is that fair to say? Similarly, I realise some straight people know about tops and bottoms, but I have never heard of - for example - a guy who openly acknowledges he just wants to give head and masturbate. I assume they exist, but they don't talk about it. That's what I meant about roles - if you aren't pretty clear, open and specific about what you want a threesome is going to be wonky.

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

20:05 / 08.03.02

quote:Originally posted by Tannhauser:

Oh, and incidentally, OI! You can be surprised that you *agree* with me, since you don't like me, and there is a school of thought that sees the two as somehow cognate, but to be surprised about Haus being right is just psychotic.

Huggles!

[ 08-03-2002: Message edited by: Tannhauser ]

<off-topic>

Haus, I don't believe I ever said I didn't like you. I believe in the past it has been the other way around.

<on-topic, well, sorta>

Rimming: something I haven't tried. But anal sex has been the popular act of choice around these parts for a bit now.

20:50 / 08.03.02

Which parts would those be Kali?

Dread, I rim. I do it a lot. Ahh, but I'm bisexual. Does that count? I think I have some relatively straight friends who do it. I think they're relatively straight anyway.

(Part of me hopes not

)

So, threesomes. Where were we?

Zoom.

Kali, Queen of Kitteh

20:58 / 08.03.02

I believe around the bits that count, Sir Zoom.

Current boyfriend teases me about my occasional affinity for pursuing women. Though he jokes, I know part of him would secretly be thrilled were I to induce another female to the bed. I bet I'd win Girlfriend of the Year.

Ain't gonna happen.

Of course, he'd be willing to have another guy join the fun, then I'd do the same for him.

Again, ain't gonna happen. (I don't think. But if it did, you could color me very surprised. And sore.)

09:04 / 09.03.02

Okay, I should acknowledge here that it was a genuinely dumb question. Sorry about that.

09:36 / 09.03.02

president clinton rimmed

or did she rim him? I'm not sure. I didn't read detailed transcripts.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

09:49 / 09.03.02

[Gratuitous BtVS quote]

Harmony: "I told you, no threesomes. Unless it's boy-boy-girl, or Charlize Theron."

[/Gratuitous BtVS quote]

09:49 / 09.03.02

Actually Dread Pirate, me hearty, I have to step in here and be all serious and stuff. It was absolutely not a dumb question. If it was something you genuinely did not know, or have any information about, then you were well within your rights to ask it. I apologize if my post made it sound like I was making fun.

(Of course, now I sound like my parents when they gave me the "talk")

(That's wrong on so many levels)

Anyway, that's all I have to say.

Zoom.

09:49 / 09.03.02

Yeah, but it was dumb in the sense that if I'd given it any thought at all I could have worked out that at least some straight people do, and that asking would in no way enlighten me about how common it was. It would have been less dumb to ask something like 'Do other people think it is strangely unusual for straight people to discuss or admit liking rimming? Do you think that reflects a taboo on discussing oral-anal contact or is it just relatively rare that straight people try or enjoy it?'

09:49 / 09.03.02

Yeah, but it was dumb because what I really wanted to ask was something more like 'Do other people find that straight people rarely discuss rimming? Do you think that's because of a taboo on talking about oral-anal contact (possibly reflecting a taboo on non-genital sex) or just that it's relatively rare for straight people to try it and/or like it?'

09:49 / 09.03.02

Well, lemme turn it around. Do gay men or women talk about rimming fairly frequently? I'd have to say that very few of my friends, the vast majority of whom are straight, ever talk about anything anal, rimming or otherwise. I think it might be a combo of both your reasons. Though I think talking about anal sex is probably more a taboo than actually doing it. If I'm hanging out with my friends and the conversation turns to sex, I find it's the guys who are less likely to talk about anal sex. Actually, my female friends are fascinated with the fact that I've done it with another guy. I have no problem talking about it, but yeah, it does seem that the heterosexual people I know do.

Their loss, really.

Zoom.

Matthew Fluxington

09:49 / 09.03.02

That's funny. I know lots and lots of straight people who talk about anal sex (of all types) endlessly, but never seem to actually have any.

11:27 / 09.03.02

I've had conversations with other straight people about rimming, but it doesn't come up very often. Heteros can be quite prudish and there do seem to be a lot of taboos in discussing sex. My feeling is that most heteros never go through a phase of asking themselves if they are sexually normal - they just assume they are. Maybe its a personal thing but since I'm into SM, this means that I tend to avoid discussing sex. I really don't get much out of conversations where people either break out with incredulous and nervous giggles or resolutely try to change topic. In the SM community on the other hand, it is nigh on impossible to get anyone to bat an eyelid.

11:51 / 09.03.02

Originally posted by Lurid Archive:

quote: My feeling is that most heteros never go through a phase of asking themselves if they are sexually normal - they just assume they are

Ah, so true. And this is a problem for so many people, that they think there is a "sexually normal". Ask them to define it. For me, sexually normal is anything, anything that feels good, as long as it's consensual. I know that I have practices that would fall well outside the boundaries of societal norm. Sexual normality has to be a personal choice, as everything sexual really is. But the prudish hets (sounds like a football team), I agree, tend to give little or no thought to this. I have a couple of friends, who are a couple, who never do anything anal. And I think it's because of the perceived "non-normalness" (what a godawful made-up word) of such acts.

I don't know. Maybe I just come off as creepy, but when the subject rolls around to sex in our group, I always advocate trying anything and everything once. If you like it, do it again, but don't dismiss it out of hand just because it's not "normal".

Now, threesomes, where were we?

Zoom.

18:08 / 09.03.02

My very first gay relationship evolved into a threesome, and we made a very real attempt to actually live like that (as opposed to 'merely' shag). It worked for around three months, then slowly collapsed into gentle, amicable chaos from which I gradually detached myself. In retrospect, I think their relationship was failing generally, and for a while I effectively 'papered over the cracks' ([insert innuendo here]). I certainly didn't feel exploited at the time, though, and I'm glad to have had the experience. Having said which, I'm not in a huge hurry to repeat it either...

11:07 / 11.03.02

Heteros can be quite prudish and there do seem to be a lot of taboos in discussing sex.

its hard not to seem that way when people are constantly shutting you down (especially if you are female). sex is something that is commonly treated as something dirty or base, something purely physical, devoid of any cerebral aspects and therefore indulging too eagerly is animalistic. or thats how I feel its often viewed/treated, anyway. the word "slut" sure as hell wasnt created by someone comfortable with sexuality, thier own or that of others

My feeling is that most heteros never go through a phase of asking themselves if they are sexually normal - they just assume they are

I think everyone does, to some degree or another. shame in masturbation, dreams that dont jibe with situations you normally identify with sexually, wonder if that little "kink" is sick or unhealthy. there are still things I enjoy that I wouldnt readily introduce to a new lover

...Im not saying its the same, for everyone, Im only saying that because of the nature of sex, the way its generally treated, there are always questions. maybe even residual issues

19:08 / 11.03.02

So, we seem to all agree that threesomes, at least in an emotional capacity, are problematic at best. There's risk of hurt for all parties involved.

So why do people try it? I mean, I realize it's not common practice, but a few people here have done it, and we'll a pretty small percentage of the human race. Why do people try to live as a threesome rather than a couple, which seems to be our natural state?

Zoom.

Haus about we all give each other a big lovely huggle?

06:25 / 12.03.02

Well, why do some people insist on being gay, or into BDSM, or shaven lollipop-loving manchildren, none of which are by the same logic a "natural" state?

07:46 / 12.03.02

Is this one of those things that make people not want to have sex? It's kind of making me not want to.

I've never really had a threesome, but I did have a three-way fondling session on a couch once. It wasn't half bad...

11:45 / 12.03.02

quote:Originally posted by Captain Zoom:
So why do people try it?

because it can be done. but theres a huge build up of emotional crap to get over - things that took a lifetime of crap to get that big. which, realistically, no matter how deep we dig to challenge our perceptions, may be too much to successfully get over enough to make such a difficult and complex relationship work

13:29 / 12.03.02

but...

couldn't you just have a threesome because you wanted to do the people involved? And you were horny? And they were up for it? Have I missed a meeting?

13:36 / 12.03.02

yeah, Im sorry, I was referring to an emotional, 3 way relationship

physically? I had a similar, fun little almost-something with about a half dozen other people on a bed once, a hell of a lot of potential partners standing nearby. lots of kissing and caressing. Im not sure how the logistics would have worked had it gone any farther, but I still like to wonder!

Goodness Gracious Meme

13:40 / 12.03.02

Think you missed the planning meeting again Cherry. Honestly, get your priorities right, will you? Who said anything about getting horny?

Hey, why do people try heterosexual monogamy? I hear it doesn't always work out peachily either. Weirdos.

13:46 / 12.03.02

You know, it's interesting. Way back in my younger days I used to think I could never handle the idea of a non-monogamous relationship. And now, I'm leaning to thinking it's actually a situation that could WORK, at least for a while anyway. Maybe this is because I am more secure in myself and my sexuality than back then, and I don't take someone getting turned on by somebody else as a reflection on me. I think it depends heavily on the people involved and what their issues are. There was a actually a fascinating radio show on non-monogamous relationships about a year ago on

I feel I may be veering to making myself never want to have sex again, but you know. This American Life did a show on this about a year back that did a nice job on this issue.

[ 12-03-2002: Message edited by: Cherry Bomb ]

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