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threesomes - how do they work?

 
  

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Captain Zoom
12:39 / 06.03.02
Captain Zoom's Wife here- (Tom you really must let me get my own suit, it's awful uncomfortable with both of us in here!)
O.K. call it synchronicity or simply happenstance, but the topic of threesomes keeps popping up in my life these days. A friend had a dream including me, a friend fantasized about Zoom (well, don't we all? ) and the conversation keeps turning that way. Now, past experiences I've had have shown that they are usually a couple and a third. I've been privy to two best friends and I've joined in becoming a couple with one of them. Is it possible for the three to simply be a three, or is there always a two and a one? Do they fade out, keep strong, get stronger or get mucked up?
I would like to hear about actual experience as well as hypothesis. I think experience has been there starts a two and adds a third. But the third can have their own special "two" relationship with each of the others. Does that make sense? What say you all?
Zoom's wife (gods someone get me a real name!)
 
 
Haus about we all give each other a big lovely huggle?
12:51 / 06.03.02
You *have* a real name, Zoom's wife. It is Tara. I think we all have sufficient wit to understand that should the Captain Zoom ficsuit say "hello, this is Tara", we will not think "Captain Zoom's first name is Tara? Shit, talk about your baptismal-related father-son grudge-match 'boy called Sue' situation". It's not perfect, but it'll help. And it will stop Flyboy doing his "Hi, I'm one of Flyboy's imaginary girlfriends" schtick.

As to threesomes - how do they work? Short answer in my experience is that they usually don't. Bear in mind that most people don't have the emotional wit to handle a twosome. A threesome is always a lopsided balancing act, as in almost every case two people will have a more "primary" relationship. So, either one of the "core" twosome starts to feel excluded as emotional involvement is transferred, or the brought-in sandwich-filling gets tired of being phoned up to provide spare pudenda when required. The onyl real way a threesome works is either with somebody who is leaving the country for missionary work the next day or between three people who really don't like each other very much. Certainly, careful parameters have to be established, making a workable threesome rather more logistical and less libidinous than it may at first seem.

The foursome, on the other hand, is a far more democratic arrangement, especially if it involves the deformation and reformation of two couples. Much more equal, everyone has a support system and the danger of one party being seen as a kind of extra feature is significantly reduced.

In general, even numbers are the way forward.
 
 
Jack The Bodiless
12:51 / 06.03.02
Edited to say - what Tann said (especially the bit about Flyboy).

In my experience, it's always been a 2/1 deal... although the last (and final) one was an odd conflation/confection, whereby I met two bi girls with an open relationship, one of whom invited me home... and then her girlfriend joined us, creating an odd vibe, as she hadn't necessarily been invited, and wasn't really welcome, but neither of us could say anything because the two ladies were technically attached... and she also already knew all the right buttons to push, which inevitably turned it slightly competitive. That's not an isolated experience, either - my ex had exactly the same thing happen when her 'open relationship' (in)significant other horned his way in on her and a lovely young lass one night, and was extremely unwelcome... yet neither of the women felt able to say anything either...

[ 06-03-2002: Message edited by: Jack The Bodiless ]
 
 
Mourne Kransky
13:24 / 06.03.02
Think of the amount of effort involved in keeping a standard (two people and a goldfish) relationship going long term, then multiply by three. May be worth the effort in the short term but it's a bugger to sustain emotionally.

However, if it's just for sex, then Zoom On... & there is always the perfectly cromulent argument that you'll never know till you've tried it.
 
 
Ethan Hawke
13:27 / 06.03.02
( I adore ZoCher's use of the "word" cromulent. You might even say it embiggens me.)
 
 
The Monkey
16:46 / 06.03.02
Tara Zoom, Tara Zoom, Tara Zoom zoom zoom,

From context, I figure you're talking relationship, not shagging. Never had one myself, but one of my dearest friends was in a long-term one with two young ladies from MIT. For that matter, my older sister is in one...as is my dear friend Sara, who's like a sister...suddenly I feel deprived.

In assessment, I'd say the only reason the initial relationship example it lasted was he was here in Chicago, and they were the "2" in Boston. Thus visits either way or in any numerical configuration were sort of a novelty, and the threesome-ness really only a virtual state - barring sexual escapades. As soon as they were a spatially unified, things collapsed like a flan in a cupboard.

However, to your point about "special two" relationships: yes, profound person-to-person pairings perculate, even in triumverates. That's exactly the problem:

A and B share something - a bond of interest, affection or passion - hence C feels left out. In a seperate context, C and B share some sort of bond, and A feels ditched/deprived, etc.
So there's the potential for a sort of rolling discontent, except in situations where all three+ people share an interest. [which seems to rarely happen outside the bedroom.]
 
 
The Monkey
16:48 / 06.03.02
Then again, try everything twice, except incest and folkdancing.
 
 
QUINT
17:14 / 06.03.02
I like folkdancing.

And I think threesomes are inherently unstable...but then, so are twosomes. The difficulty seems to be in balancing three personalities.

Now, a twosome which occasionally adds a third...maybe that works. But only if everyone is shockingly honest about how they feel.
 
 
The Monkey
17:19 / 06.03.02
i always see that saying as commandment to do folkdancing constantly, not twice.

Tara Zoom - still thinking about using you and the Cap'n as protangonists in some Flash Gordon-esque science fiction. One day it will be just sitting there in the Creation like Gregor Samsa's corpse....

[ 06-03-2002: Message edited by: [monkey - greatest sage of all] ]
 
 
Sauron
17:45 / 06.03.02
I found this under the Knodger's bed, perhaps it will go some way to explaining:


I had laid a few out for them to have when they came in. I thought it would set the mood along with the champagne and the minimal hotel suite. I was feeling up but contrived, I thought this is how it should be, but it was just too much. So I thought I’d kill two birds with one stone. I picked up the 50 I’d left by the lines and took two quickly. The last I rubbed on my gums. I took away my worry and elevated myself to a plateau of not caring at the same time.

I sat back with a cigarette. Enjoying the hush.

There was a knock on the door. My head, still spinning from the effects of the coke told me to move to fast. I got up and spun round clumsily. Excitedly. But regaining my cool I started to prowl towards the door. Exuding nonchalance.

I opened the door and two immaculate faces smiled back at me. The blonde walked in first followed by the brunette. She appeared more sultry, more moody, but perhaps I was already on my trip, already living the fantasy with these two live dolls.

I offered them champagne and small-talk. They were sentient thank god, but the cocaine had raised my libido and the need to converse with them to become mentally as well as physically attracted had paled. I just wanted them to fuck.

I racked up three not insubstantial lines and took one speedily before lying back on the bed, my thoughts becoming sharper and seedier by the second. The two girls followed and lay beside me.

The money had been taken care of earlier. I didn’t want to shatter the allusion.

I laughed with the blonde before falling into her blue eyes. She had set her trap and I started to kiss her. Violently and passionately, fuelled by intrigue and coke. My hands swiftly moved to her full breasts as I held one and strongly pushed it up. I was suddenly conscious of the brunette and wanted, needed to involve her two. My hand left the blonde’s chest and reached behind me. I ran it along the length of the brunette’s thigh before it stopped on the material of her expensive panties. I felt in control. I felt good.

I continued to caress her from outside of her knickers before slipping my hand under the material. I was glad she was wet; crocodile tears. She then moaned slightly. Her acting skills intact I thought, but this tinge of self doubt only proved to turn me on more.

Both girls then pushed me onto the bed and started kissing each other. Their act had started. The brunette was in charge and spun the blonde round, kissing her back and shoulders. They undressed slowly to their underwear without me playing any part. I lay back on the bed still fully clothed in a content daze. The brunette took off the blonde’s bra to reveal perfect breasts. The nipples were hard and drew the brunette’s mouth to them. She sucked them greedily as the blonde closed her eyes and arched her back in pleasure. This did not look like acting. The brunette laid the blonde on the bed and kissed her mouth passionately. She moved down to her breasts before lingering at her navel and reaching her final destination. She kissed the inside of the blonde’s thighs as she started to moan. The blonde reached down and put her hand between her legs, but this was swiftly despatched by her dominant lover. I was in heaven; a voyeur who could interact at any time, but for the moment I chose to remain a watcher.

The brunette put her head between the blonde’s legs and took in the smell. She seemed to be addicted. My fantasy was running to plan.

I slowly stripped, but told the girls to carry on and walked behind the brunette. I was high on decadence, the level of sex even over powering the cocaine’s dampening powers.

But this was not about me yet. This was about them. My treat was yet to come.

At that moment in ran Dolly from the cupboard. She bleeted sensuously. I turned round. I was in woolly nirvana.
 
 
bitchiekittie
17:52 / 06.03.02
even being "shockingly honest" can only go so far. and an existing couple adding a third has its own sets of problems - what if the 3rd party nutures a relationship more readily with one partner than with another? what if unexpected jealousy pops up for one partner - is it fair to expect that, once begun, it will end? one of the drawbacks is not knowing "the rules"....even when comfort levels are spelled out, emotions can change the boundaries and expectations. being open can only go so far, because while you may be unwilling to set definitive "rules", the fact is its too damn easy to get hurt if you are unable to accept things exactly as they come
 
 
bitchiekittie
17:53 / 06.03.02
...this is what happens when I leave the posting window open between chores......
 
 
bio k9
17:55 / 06.03.02
*jizzims on keyboard*

(because of Sauron story. Sorry BK)

[ 06-03-2002: Message edited by: Bio K9 ]
 
 
Captain Zoom
18:01 / 06.03.02
I'm not touching this topic with a ten-foot pole. Coward, moi?

Zoom.
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
18:06 / 06.03.02
Ta-ra-ra-ZOOM! de-ay! Ta-ra-ra-ZOOM! de-ay, Ta... ra... ra... oh, please yourselves.
 
 
bio k9
18:14 / 06.03.02
ZOOM! ZOOM! ZOOM!
yeah, zoom zoom zoom...
 
 
Bop
18:19 / 06.03.02
threesomes are fun, the downside is someone always gets mad.
 
 
tSuibhne
18:52 / 06.03.02
quote:Originally posted by bitchiekittie:
even being "shockingly honest" can only go so far. [snip] because while you may be unwilling to set definitive "rules", the fact is its too damn easy to get hurt if you are unable to accept things exactly as they come


My understanding, that is the point of being shockingly honest. Coming out and saying, "this makes me uncomfortable" "I'm feeling like a third wheel" and then dealing with the situation. Either addressing the person's concerns, or ending the relationship.

A friend once told me something to the effect of, "the level of complexity and the importance of open communication is doubled for every individual that is involved."
 
 
Captain Zoom
19:16 / 06.03.02
Love all the thread rot re. Tarrara Zoom de ay etc. Hence the plea for a real name (fic name Haus, I figured you would have gathered that much) And thanks Mordant for the please yourself...I usually do. tSuibhne, is the good stuff doubled too?
So, consensus is that there is risk involved of getting hurt, misunderstandings, the need for honesty and the potential for an amazing thing if you can balance it right. Sounds like it's worth it if the people are. Hmm, sounds like any relationship to me.
Thanks.
Tara
 
 
Sauron
19:20 / 06.03.02
OK, but is it with a girl or a guy?

And what does Zoom say about your gender choice?
 
 
Captain Zoom
19:33 / 06.03.02
Whatever.
I'm easy.

Zoom.
 
 
Sauron
19:34 / 06.03.02
Well what about a foursome then?
 
 
Captain Zoom
19:50 / 06.03.02
I said I wasn't going to touch this one, but what the hell.

I am fully in agreement with Haus about foursomes working much better. And I'm assuming he wasn't taking the piss there.

Have been involved in both three- and foursomes and have definitely found the foursomes to be more satisfying. More variety perhaps, or just that the people we were with were very good friends and everyone was comfortable.

I don't think a threesome is intrinsically problematic. I would never get into such a situation without the people involved being close to begin with. It can become something that overbears the rest of a relationship, so the relationships have to be strong before a sexual aspect can be introduced. In the beginning there is the tendency towards the "New Toy" syndrome, with couplings (triplings?) taking place a lot. But if I care enough about these people to want to have sex with them, then I don't want the relationship to devolve into a purely sexual one.

Of course, this is talking about a sexual threesome. For an emotional threesome, rather than three friends getting together and frolick, I'm shutting up. I got into trouble over that whole monogamy thread thing already.....

I think one problem is what happens when a threesome becomes a foursome? Assuming that two of the three are attached somehow (most common situation?) what happens when the third finds a significant fourth? Either that aspect of the relationship stops altogether, or the fourth gets integrated. But, as with the developing of the initial relationships, this has to take time, and that fourth person has to be seen to be worth it. Here I can see jealousy rearing it's head, from all sides. Though, having been in a similar situation, it can work out.

Oh, hey, Sauron. Were you asking for my opinion, or was that an offer?

Zoom.

(Praying he hasn't said anything to upset the missus.)
 
 
Sauron
20:00 / 06.03.02
whatever you want baby, whatever you want.

Horn.
 
 
Haus about we all give each other a big lovely huggle?
22:01 / 06.03.02
quote:Originally posted by Captain Zoom:
Love all the thread rot re. Tarrara Zoom de ay etc. Hence the plea for a real name (fic name Haus, I figured you would have gathered that much) .
Tara


Ah, the buildings of the Nothern Americas. So long. So broad. So flat. The joy of working on one level...
 
 
Captain Zoom
22:34 / 06.03.02
Careful Haus. I might have to puff up my chest and get all manly if ya picks on my woman.

Zoom.
 
 
Gek
23:18 / 06.03.02
<<<raises hand>>>

[ 07-03-2002: Message edited by: Rex City-zen ]
 
 
Jackie Susann
23:26 / 06.03.02
So this is going to be a pretty deranged generalisation, but I reckon straight people have trouble with threesomes (sexually, I mean, not emotionally - we all have those issues) because they have ridiculously impoverished ways of understanding their sex roles. If you've got three gay men, right, you can pretty efficiently work out whether your various preferences are going to work together - one bottom likes to suck or get fucked, two tops like to fuck mouth and arse, you're set. Three picky bottoms, no deal. Y'know? Straight people wouldn't even know what a bottom is (unless they're into SM, and that's not what I mean). And if you're cruising and can basically turn around and ask someone else if they want to fuck if you get bored, threesomes are fine. If it's a big deal, it's more likely to fall apart.

Off topic, do straight people rim? I've never heard of it but they must, I guess. Are their straight people who just want to rim for ages, like some guys?
 
 
The Natural Way
06:42 / 07.03.02
Course there are. What a funny question.
 
 
noone
06:52 / 07.03.02
quote:Originally posted by Captain Zoom:
What say you all?
Zoom's wife (gods someone get me a real name!)


Captain Zoom are you married to Darcus Howe now?
 
 
bitchiekittie
10:35 / 07.03.02
crunchy: you are absolutely right, it becomes problematic when you mix things up, whether you are talking sexually or emotionally. a woman or man who sees themselves as basically heterosexual (Im assuming all partners are open to change) is, quite obviously, not going to see the person of the same sex exactly as they would the other party (at least not at first). it adds worries that wouldnt be there if all involved parties knew that they were on an even level - no one wants to reject anyone and no one wants to be rejected.
 
 
BioDynamo
10:40 / 07.03.02
A threesome I was part of worked very well, concidering the people involved. Not just for very long. Which was OK.

Oh, yeah, some hets rim.
 
 
bitchiekittie
10:56 / 07.03.02
quote:Originally posted by tSuibhne:


My understanding, that is the point of being shockingly honest. Coming out and saying, "this makes me uncomfortable" "I'm feeling like a third wheel" and then dealing with the situation. Either addressing the person's concerns, or ending the relationship.

A friend once told me something to the effect of, "the level of complexity and the importance of open communication is doubled for every individual that is involved."


the second point is the problem of the first: you may think you have a handle on things, only to find out (possibly too late?), that you dont.

emotions are tricky things, and dont always follow the patterns of logic and reasoning. should they? would they be as fun if they did? haus is right, most people cant handle the complexities of a two-person relationship. adding a third personality and the nuances of the relationships in each is difficult at best. the best advice I can give is to know your emotional limitations, as well as the limitations of the other two.
 
 
Gek
18:15 / 07.03.02
3x23=69

Why do I feel like Modthree all of a sudden...
 
 
Rage
18:29 / 07.03.02
Some day I would like to persue a relationship with two people. I would like for all of us to love each other equally. It would be a beautiful thing. I don't know if it would work though. I can imagine there would be some jealousy, that that there would always be one partner that was feeling a little bit left out. I could be wrong.
 
  

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