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Make Me A Celebrity!

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17:19 / 11.01.07

Note also: there's an incredible value in being totally straight-faced and giving the impression that what you're doing is somehow necessary and important, not just trying to call attention to yourself.

Like a 300-pound guy vowing to walk from America's East Coast to the West Coast. Or another 300-pound guy running triathlons.

Or a guy building a cathedral out of scraps, junk and recycled building materials.

(These are stories that have made the rounds before.)

17:21 / 11.01.07

are you going to claim to be the last scion of marie antoinette?

17:28 / 11.01.07

My actual plan was to walk around london/cardiff handing out cake whilst dressed as Marie Antoinette.
Too gauche?

17:29 / 11.01.07

Oh, and doing the 'ello 'ello thing as well.

Maybe I should think about this some more before buying the dress.

18:19 / 11.01.07

OK. I've just had a skim through my old notebooks (which, for a writer's note-book, are suprisingly full of stuff like this) and found an idea I once had. Similar in tone to these tree cardigans but different obviously. There was a blog somewhere on the web with a tree in a pink jumper. It got a bit of american publicity I think, but appears to have now dissapeared. Any one know where I can find that again?

Anyway, the project is pretty different, and I've yet to work out exactly how I'm going to describe it, but would something of that look and feel (only on a mass scale) be of ok?

18:32 / 11.01.07

Actually, I'm going to do it anyway. Just because it would rock hardcore. I don't mind if it isn't cool enough to get me famous.

Basically, I'm going to stage an invasion of Aberystwyth. Only I'm going to do it with salt-dough homunculi. And I'm going to set them up in crowds, and they will be cute and/or threatening.

Would that sort of thing do?

20:03 / 11.01.07

Possibly, depending on the pix. It may only have local (to Great Britain) interest -- I'm in America.

But there is one among us with a fondness for stories about traveling garden gnomes....

20:24 / 11.01.07

i think the main thing to be wary of when doing public displays like that is not to be too aaron barschak about it.

that boy always comes across as a sad loser with very little of interest to say, but an overwhelming urge to say it.

be not barschak.

22:33 / 11.01.07

My actual plan was to walk around london/cardiff handing out cake whilst dressed as Marie Antoinette.

but won't everyone just think you're an ad for the movie?? might backfire.

still rekkun winning the nobel is the best bet. or hitting the winning goal for the world cup for england? either one should be fine...

23:55 / 11.01.07

would something of that look and feel (only on a mass scale) be of ok?

It got a bit of american publicity I think, but appears to have now dissapeared.

Which should answer your question.

Whisky Priestess

08:48 / 12.01.07

that boy always comes across as a sad loser with very little of interest to say, but an overwhelming urge to say it.

Oh God yes. He's a twat. Imagine pulling a headlining stunt like that and then pissing it all up the wall by failing to rehearse or write your comedy show. He could have parlayed the Windsor Castle thing into being the next Jonathan Ross, if he'd had any wit or nous.

Princess, I reckon if you are doing anything of the cake-donating/tree-dressing type, it's absolutely imperative to claim that you are either an artist or a satirist, otherwise people will just think you're just a nutter or a self-publicist, and we don't want that ...

11:10 / 12.01.07

Yeah, I see what you're saying Whisky Priestess. I've already started reffering to it as instillation art all over the website.

Grant, I see what you mean about it possibly only having local interest. The pictures, when they arrive, should rock. I'll have a go at taking them, but I've also got some proffesional photographer friends who can take over if my wibbly hand get's too much. I'm pretty much set on doing this project now, but if I had another, concurrent project, what sort of thing would get your readership interested despite me being in the UK? Something Stelarcesque? I'll keep my pondering hat on.

Triplets, I get you. But the woman only knitted one cardigan. I'm intending an invasion numbering thousands and lasting months. I'm already up to 50 dough invaders after one night. I think that the scale of the attack should make it last longer. I've already worked out a lot of the plot too, with rival factions, warring tribes and dough man genocide. I was sort of hoping that the ongoing saga/elaboration might help keep attention on them.

Astrojax, you're right too. I didn't realise about the film until I started googling for costumes. People would have to be pretty blind to mistake me for the beautiful Kirsten Dunst, but still, probably best not confuse people.

toksik, Aaron Barschak is indeed a complete n00b. If I get any kind of recognition for this I will take the time to learn my words.

13:39 / 12.01.07

I will say this: a great deal of our feature stories come from the interior of the Daily Mail.

Rewrites, I mean, from Mail clips. We don't care about British politics or society, but we do enjoy a good multiple organ transplant, woman giving birth to triplets out of two wombs or vacuum cleaner shoes (marvelous invention, you just slip them on then walk around to clean your floors).

14:25 / 25.01.07

Dorian Bliss is now online.

The dough men died. Fpr some reason they wouldn't dry. hey just crumbled. I'd spent a week living under the desk so that they had the warmest place in the room. But still, they failed me. They where crushed with an empty vodka bottle.

Back to square one eh?

16:27 / 25.01.07

Dorian Bliss is writer and performance artist currently living in Aberystwyth, Wales. His hair is blue and he has pseudo-dread in it. There is only one tattoo in his body and he is not very good at making salt-dough.

Dorian, quick question, you say you're a writer but your little blurb at the top reads like you're from the Eastern Bloc. Intentional?

I'm sure it's just because you've only just put it up and it needs a bit of a mini proof-read.

16:28 / 25.01.07

I really liked your first blog post. "A battle of librarians" is beautiful.

Mazel tov!

16:30 / 25.01.07

Lol. Yeah, it's full of glitches like that atm. Lack of sleep and constant changing of settings means I'm still leaving things a little un-polished.

Whisky Priestess

09:22 / 26.01.07

Princess, looking at your goal #1 at the top of the thread - have you written your novel yet? or is the goal to get one accepted for publication in advance of writing it ... for example by becoming a celebrity? In which case, should "Become a celebrity" be #1, chronologically?

I still reckon you should go on Big Brother though. They need more 'lithers. In fact, any 'lithers.

09:49 / 26.01.07

If you go on Big Brother, Princess, I would actually watch it.

09:57 / 26.01.07

I have signed up for the BB audition newsletter, and I do very much intend to do the audition.

As to the novel, well, it's half written. But I had sort of intended the fame to come first.

12:55 / 26.01.07

how are you assuring you're goody enough to get on BB?

13:16 / 26.01.07

The plan goes thus:

handsome + blue hair + dreadlocks + queer + witch +hideously sexual sense of humour + promise to masturbate on camera if I get to the final week + luck + sacrificed goat = passed audition.

Of course, there are some who would say that pimping out the cornerstons of my identity (the masturbation in particular) is a shallow and depressing strategy.

But those people aren't getting on Big Brother, are they?

13:21 / 26.01.07

ooh, ooh!

Will you be skyclad?

Whisky Priestess

13:46 / 26.01.07

I think you should refine your strategy such that you promise to masturbate in front of your fellow housemates if you get to the final week. Private wanking is so old-fashioned.

14:00 / 26.01.07

troo datt.

14:26 / 26.01.07

That seems like a good CV.

Were I your agent, I'd advise dropping the material to do with having a wank, though; better, far better, to threaten to 'turn' a straight guy, I think; 'Well I've had them before, married men ... God they're boring. Still, needs must when the devil drives' etc

But these are minor details - they let Spiral on there, for Christ's sake, so, by any reasonable standards, you should be fine.

And good luck! If you do manage to wing it, you'll have teh board behind you!

14:31 / 26.01.07

I think you should stand out by promising not to masturbate for the entire period you're in the house. Then, by week ten, as you're staggering around like a monkey with two humongous tennis balls for knackers, you can let it all go in one fearsome nocturnal emmission over which you have no control and which happens while you're sharing a bed with a breakdancing bricklayer from Bolton.

Whisky Priestess

14:33 / 26.01.07

Or, or, you could threaten to turn straight - claim you're a virgin with girls but that you're "bi-curious". Zeitgeisty! Gender-bendy! Something we haven't seen before! Old dog (not you dear) new twist!

OH THAT WOULD TOTALLY GET YOU ON

You have to promise to say that in the audition.

PROMISE!!!

14:41 / 26.01.07

No, claim to be straight then after week one say Big Brother has "turned" you. The Daily Mail will love it.

15:05 / 26.01.07

OH THAT WOULD TOTALLY GET YOU ON

It actually would, you know.

'I'm a sexually active gay man ... I'm actually a very sexually active gay man ... but sometimes I have confusing dreams about the girls I see on the covers of the magazines. I mean they're just thrust at you, aren't they? The images.'

Whisky Priestess

12:57 / 27.01.07

Take in some Rohypnol, for a laugh.

13:22 / 27.01.07

Also, if possible, LSD.

However much Endemol security frisks you on the way in, they won't find it.

So, around about week four, when the situation's beginning to really grate on the housemates, you could cook them all a special curry, or related. Best to do this when there's some booze on tap though - plausible deniability, and all that.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

13:27 / 27.01.07

No, you should do the thing properly. Feed them ergotamine then blame tainted foodstuffs for the raging hallucinations and lost digits.

13:43 / 27.01.07

No, claim to be straight then after week one say Big Brother has "turned" you. The Daily Mail will love it.

I, on the other hand, will track you down and knife you in the kidneys.

17:06 / 27.01.07

Well Princess, seeing as you're about to be a celebrity and all, I think it's high time you get you're entourage prepared. I am willing to be the first member of your circle of always there friends who you give lots of free stuff including access to all the nice clubs. I'm even willing to headbutt a photographer to make you seem edgier.

Or, if your need for yes-men is low, I have another idea. You could set me up in a nice little apartment somewhere as your 'good friend' if you catch my meaning here. I'm willing to relocate to the UK or the East coast, wherever I could be more 'helpful' to you.

Good luck on your rise to fame, and remember that I was always there for you.

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