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John Byrne Q & A

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17:40 / 06.10.06

JB, I would just like to thank you for waging your one-man crusade against everything that is wrong in modern comics today. As evidenced by your refusal to use names like Supes and Bats (but ^^*****, I guess, is okay), it's clear that you alone possess the exact right balance between respect and playfulness for the superhero genre, and I now understand how much modern comic creators (and don't forget the fans) actually hate superheroes.

I mean, have you seen the crap ^^****** (wait, is that too many dashes?) is coming out with? The FF hasn't been the same since you left, JB. Why, the Thing quit the team and is going to be replaced with a new member, totally going against the sacred formula that Stan and Jack established! That's the most ridicul--

Um.

Never mind. But all the "adult" content in what's meant to be a children's medium makes me sick! Do we want our superheroes facing real-world problems like Civil War? No! Next thing you know, there's gonna be some such "real problems" idiocy like the Invisible Woman miscarrying a child or som--

Er.

Um, sex! Too much sex in comics. Bunch of artists hunched over drawing boards with the pen in their left hand because the right one's busy! What's next? The Invisible Woman in a skimpy fetish outfit or even a semi-obscure size-changing supervillainess running around naked with only a few well-placed objects to cover her boo--

Hurr.

Well, Superman, then. I mean, you'll never read a Byrne comic where he's brainwashed into making a porn tape with Big Bar--

OH FUCK!

--Johnathan P. Octave
(37 posts until 1000!)

02:11 / 07.10.06

JB;

First of all, how's it hanging?

I ask because 'mine' is hanging by a thread.

Literally, actually. I appreciate that you're not really in a position to do anything about this - you're not 'God' (I'm laughing while I type this, I'm drinking a beer, I'm working on my beard/steak/artwork etc, and I was always a big fan of your work on 'Alpha Flight', especialy that babe,) but the fact remains that JB, I need you now. Or I may do something dreadful.

02:12 / 07.10.06

Dead Megatron 3.0 - It has nothing to do with hate and everything to do with utter contempt. Alan Moore is nothing but a pathetic pot head and a child pornographer to boot. I've never "gotten" his writing and never will. I tried to read his Doc Savage ripoff once. What was it? Tom Tough? Sebastian Strong? Something like that. Couldn't stomach it. Threw it across the room before I'd hit page 12. The man makes a mockery of superheroes at every turn! It's pathological! I don't know what or who he's lashing out at, but he needs to put down the "spliff" and admit himself to an asylum before he hurts himself or someone else.

Magician! Feh.

I hear he makes his ladyfriend draw pornographic pictures for him. That's pretty f***ed up right there.

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Johnathan P. Octave - What's that? I can't hear you! The Ignore function is too loud! Dumbass.

02:20 / 07.10.06

Alex! - A signed copy of Next Men: Book One is on it's way to you even as we speak! If you can hang in there for three, maybe four days, you will find your Holy Grail on your doorstep! There's even a sketch of Snowbird on the inside back cover. Now put down the beer and get some sleep.

03:47 / 07.10.06

Oh spit! I never meant to offend JB, someone whose art, writing and beard I hold in such high esteem. I pledge, from now on, to return to being one of your unquestioning sycophants whose opinions you shape by the very presence of your avatar.

Truly, JB is a vengeful god for putting me on ignore, but perhaps he is also a merciful one. Could someone pass the message along to him that I will do whatever he asks of me to be reinstalled into his good graces? No task is too great, no danger insurmountable.

(Suggestion -- I could kill Mark Waid for writing Superman: Birthright and Geoff Johns for bringing back Morrison's fugly, unheroic Doom Patrol. How DARE those fuckers reboot over your reboots!)

--Johnathan F. Octave
"It was KRYPTON that made me SUPERMAN...but it is the EARTH that makes me HUMAN!!" -- MOS #6

02:20 / 08.10.06

John - Your message has been received and I accept your offer. Move forward with Operation: Acts of Vengance!

16:27 / 08.10.06

JB,

I recently inherited my uncle's thriving mojito factory your native Canada, and have been looking for opportunities to diversify my assets. Can you give me any advice on Canadian investment opportunities? I'm not averse to a certain amount of risk.

16:52 / 08.10.06

Wow! JB asking for a commission from ME? Talk about something being the wrong way 'round!

Anyway, rest assured, JB, the deed is done. I couldn't bring myself to murder them with my own two hands because I aspire to the superheroic ideal you extoll, and superheroes don't kill their enemies, unless you're Superman in that story you wrote. But I used my wits against them. I gave Waid and Johns copies of each others' runs on The Flash. Johns told Waid that his run was too lovey-dovey and didn't feature enough people getting their arms ripped off, and Waid told Johns his run was marred by a pronounced lack of Kobra in every other story arc. They slew each other in hand-to-hand combat, and thus my task is complete.

Sidebar: With them out of the picture and only Rucka and Morrison left, theoretically the only storylines left in 52 should be the Question/Montoya stuff, the space heroes, and the Magnus/mad scientist plot, so that is an added bonus.

--Johnathan M. Octave

Tobes of Hades, lit by flickering torchlight
The netherworld is gathered in the glare
--Rush, "By-Tor and the Snow Dog"

15:01 / 09.10.06

Qoeur d'Lyn - My advice? Sell off the factory and convert all that cash into commission pieces courtesy of yours truly. Who's your favorite X-Man? Or is there a cover piece in my oeuvre that you'd like re-created? I'd be happy to pencil AND ink as many pages as your factory sale profits allow. Don't be shy. Ask for anything and everything your heart desires. The best part is that there's no risk involved whatsoever. Every piece of paper I put pencil to increases in value one-thousand-fold as soon as I wrap it up and ship it out. Think about it and contact my middleman Jim Warden for pricing and availability when you've decided to secure your future.

--------

John Octave - Well done! A strategy worthy of our beloved Spider-Man. A portrait of Neal Peart and Ayn Rand having tea will wing its way to you shortly. I just need to see confirmation of their deaths in the Comic Buyers Guide.

23:16 / 10.10.06

Hey JB,

I'm afraid I'm unfamiliar with your funnybook illustrations, though I saw a feature, I think on CBS News, about how nerds sometimes make a lot of money selling them to each other. I'm interested. But, as I am prepared to invest quite a lot of money in this, I think you should make a demonstration. Perhaps a mural commemorating the burdgeoning advice column industry on Barbelith.com: Nightcrawler and Al Swearengen presiding over a living chessboard peopled by Barbelith regulars, with Von Mises looking on, leaning on his lance, while Pete Dougherty peers over Nightcrawler's shoulder, advising him; Matthew Fluxington could appear in the background, watching the sky, where a column of thunderclouds is forming the beatific features of the legendary Qalyn, originator of the genre.

Think you could handle that, sport?

11:54 / 11.10.06

Qoeur d'Lyn - Are you seriously asking me to PROVE myself to you with a free commission? I've PROVEN myself to millions of people over the course of thirty years. An untold amount of comic art has originated from my drawing board in that time. Every page is a monument to the character(s) it depicts. The entire comics community agrees on this, and you can see the proofs for yourself in the Gallery section of Byrne Robotics and in the countless trade paperbacks of my past work. Do a little research. Did you seriously think you could just stroll in here and make requests? Do you expect me to jump because you've named an arbitrary height? It is to laugh.

I've got a better suggestion for you. Why don't you take your money and put it toward some etiquette lessons? Your lamentable "gimme gimme" attitude could do with some adjustment.

Think that's within the realm of your stunted abilities, sparky?

pointless & uncalled for

11:58 / 11.10.06

Alright Mr. Byrne, I've had enough of the crud that comes out of your niosehole. I'm going to hunt you down like a dog in the street.

My question is just how fast can your lazy ass run, I need to calibrate the targeting scopes.

12:12 / 11.10.06

MODERATORS! MODERATORS! I'M BEING THREATENED!

pointless & uncalled for

12:18 / 11.10.06

Didn't your momma ever tell you, on the internet, no one can hear you scream.

Except on YouTube, but they'll only laugh.

You're mine now punk.

22:30 / 11.10.06

JB: I've been curious as to why people hate you, but your wikipedia article doesn't really give many examples... could you provide some links?

03:30 / 12.10.06

Hey JB,

You don't know who you're talking to, do you? I can buy and sell you, man, and I'm a blackbelt who can kick your ass. Keep mouthing off, beardy. You'll see who learns some manners.

04:21 / 12.10.06

who is JB and why do i care?

Solitaire Rose as Tom Servo

04:36 / 12.10.06

JB, what other celebrities that I admire are really just assholes like Steve Irwin and Christopher Reeve?

12:15 / 12.10.06

disingenuous - Didn't count on me having a "panic room", did you? And the dogs? You didn't expect the dogs, hmmm? Face it, pal, my home's got more traps and snares than the Baxter Building. Can't hit what you can't see!

----

Baz Auckland - Grrrrr. Don't trust Wikipedia for ANYTHING. Did you know anyone can't edit any page on that site? Anyone! Any f***head or simpleton can get in and spread the most foul of lies without any bother at all. It's ridiculous. Still, you did the right thing and came to me with your question. The reason people hate me is very simple: I give them the Truth and they think it's Hell.

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Qoeur d'Lyn - Keep it up, bunky! You're cruising for a banning. The mods are already tracking your movements.

------

Caleigh - You shouldn't "care". After all, I don't care about you!

------

Solitaire Rose as Tom Servo - Close your eyes and throw a lawn dart at Hollywood, m'man. You're bound to hit an asshole. And hmmmm...I have to assume you're a fan of the Mystery Science Theater 3000, given your screen name. There's a group of suppurating assholes not seen since the formation of Image Comics. Lazy pot smokers who've made a career out of demeaning and insulting the treasured sci-fi movies of our youth. They're bottom-feeders, pure and simple, and they deserve to die horrid deaths.

pointless & uncalled for

12:26 / 12.10.06

Panic room - oh so clever huh?

Once I've taken care of the dogs I'm bricking you in. Then it's only a matter of time.

12:42 / 12.10.06

disingenuous - And I quote: "Is there some kind of fashion for stalking your idols to determine their sexual habits that I don't know about?"

You sick bastard. I've called the FBI. Expect a knock on your door right before they fill you full of lead.

pointless & uncalled for

12:44 / 12.10.06

I've been spoofing from your account for months.

Nice own goal.

00:37 / 13.10.06

01:42 / 13.10.06

Man, color me embarrassed, JB. I'm so sorry I blew up at you like that. I've just been really stressed out since my wife left, and I guess I was sort of holding it in, acting like everything was okay, and then my son dropped out of college to be a roadie with one of those rap/metal bands, and I guess this thing with you acting like you're Pablo Picasso or something, it was just the straw that broke the camel's back, you know? Not that I'm making excuses, I just misdirected all my rage and sorrow at you, and you didn't really deserve it.

15:08 / 14.10.06

Qoeur d'Lyn - My only son won't even talk to me.

Wanna grab a brewski?

14:37 / 16.10.06

THE END IS NIGH! - Commission 10/15/06

11x17

Gushing praise of all shapes and sizes welcome!

ONLY NICE THINGS

15:15 / 16.10.06

Dude. They shaved Sasquatch.

19:15 / 16.10.06

JB - what's this I hear about you trying to get your board to raise $22,000 dollars so you'll do them one comic? It seems a little obscene to me.

19:17 / 16.10.06

Don't listen to this Mr. "Tannhauser" (didn't you get the memo? JB demands we use our real names on his forum! Real mature using a pseudonym, chum!). He's just some troll who probably hates comics. And America. I don't think the big fella looks like Sasquatch at all, and I for one am sick of the "All of JB's faces look the same" BS. Those two women don't look a thing alike, for example. The one on the right, after all, is Asian, which you can tell from the cartoonish slit-like eyes and arched eyebrows.

By the way, I totally used to date a girl like the one on the left in college. She was totally into me, but got all psycho and needy, so I ditched her. More time to look at some sexy Byrne pin-ups, now! (Aside: JB, thanks for agreeing to do the commission I asked for. Along with the check I'm sending a picture of my bed as reference for when you draw She-Hulk in it. Don't forget to add the Care Bears!)

--Johnathan V. Octave
Visit my blog where I discuss how comics objectively hit their high point in 1982, which extremely coincidentally is when I was 12 years old at http://iwouldservicerogersternifheaskedmeto.blogspot.com

19:21 / 16.10.06

And I don't want to step on JB's toes by answering for him, but Mr. "Falcon"? The only thing "obscene" is what a bargain that would be!

--Johnathan A. Octave

22:26 / 16.10.06

You're right of course; however, I was reading some Byrne forum regulars' sex tips and they are definitely obscene. The abyss had clouded in around my mind.

02:43 / 17.10.06

Tannhauser's friends, the mice - That is NOT Sasquatch. Get some better glasses.

-----

Falcon - 100% Dundee* - I'll have you know that that idea had its genesis in the hearts and minds of my fans. A group of 22 of them are going to buy pages of original art from me at $1000 a pop. Each of these pages will be one part of a twenty-two page story that I will write, pencil, ink, and letter. It will be done outside of every continuity wall and away from the prying red pens of editors. These pages will then be used to print a Limited Edition John Byrne comic with a print run of 22, one copy going to each of the original buyers. Out of the goodness of my heart, I promised to display the art in a special Gallery section on my website. Sadly, some selfish little shits complained that they were being denied access to a real-life John Byrne comic because they weren't rich. I reiterated my point about putting the pages in the Gallery, but the bitching grew more heated and cost structures of every shape and size started getting tossed about. One sad-sack group of posters wanted to pool the $1000 between themselves and buy a page (said page being shipped from owner to owner across sea and air on a fixed and immutable schedule). It all ended in acrimony and bitterness, and I think I lost two fans along the way.

Still, the original group of investors email me privately and suggest plot points for the protagonist and states of undress and distress for his One True Love. Free'd of my editorial tethers, I'm finding the work very liberating. It's called, "JXA vs. the Revengers!" I suggest you jump on the train while it's still in the station! I think page 16 is still available.

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John Octave - Your commission is ready. It has been shipped out in a plain brown wrapper as ordered. Enjoy!

*Editor's Note - Falcon, you have got to be fucking kidding me.

00:53 / 19.10.06

Go to the V, there's a big thread about it. Or rather don't, just know that it exists, and is the most horrible thing on the entire net, and be happy. For me it's too late.

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