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John Byrne Q & A

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14:49 / 26.09.06

Hello Mini-Brains!

I suppose you thought you could hide here forever in your pithy little "invitation only" message board and take potshots at me. You thought you were safe behind the cover of your "fiction suits". You thought you'd never have to answer for your anonymous slander. You thought your actions didn't have consequences.

Wrong. Dead wrong.

I'm here now. So if you've got something to say about me, try to be a man about it and say it TO ME. Here. In this thread. Quit trying to look "kewl" in front of your friends in your pathetic Comic Books forum and say what you've got to say to my face. Frankly, I doubt you'll have the stones to do it.

Rules of Conduct are as follows.

- JB shall, at all times, be addressed as "JB". The preferred method of starting a question is "Hey JB." Other variations are allowable so long as JB is called JB.

- No posters are to respond on behalf of JB. I know some of you consider yourselves magical mindreaders, but your delusions are not welcome here.

- Any comments about JB made in other parts of this board are to be immediately linked here so that JB can address them. These comments will then be addressed in this thread.

- If your post is deleted, it is deleted for a reason. If you'd like to know the reason, forget it. The mods and JB know the rules inside and out. You do not. Just let it go.

- And finally — if it's discovered that you're only here to start trouble, critique JB's art, or make statements that could be construed as praise of Grant Morrison, Alan Moore, Brian Bendis, or indeed any comic creator who is not JB, your membership will be revoked without further explanation, at our discretion.

14:56 / 26.09.06

I know you were born in the UK, JB, but I had rather thought dental care was better in North America - is this simply not the case?

15:04 / 26.09.06

Hey JB,

I’ve never heard of you. How come?

15:20 / 26.09.06

Falcon - The blame for the deplorable state of my teeth rests solely with M***** and, to a lesser extent, DC. I was never offered any kind of medical or dental insurance by either of them at any time. I gave myself, my blood and my sweat and my tears, to the advancement and betterment of their most treasured properties, yet they never for a second considered that I could use some taking care of myself. There are some who will say that I should have spend my hard earned money on private insurance instead of a house full of expensive trinkets like a full-size Robby the Robot, but these people would be wrong and bitter and jealous of my success.

-------

Susan - Probably because you're a girl, and the comic market is notorious for not catering to girls. Which, in my opinion, is probably a good thing. Can you imagine the amount of pandering the comics companies would do to appeal to a female audience? In short order, Superman would become a something akin to "All My Children" (or "Eastenders" for you Brits). Batman would inexplicably begin to care about the villains he arrests and attempt to get them into therapy. The call would go out from the head offices of the "Big Two" for a moratorium on depiciting females in "the Byrne hold". The whole house of cards would, in short, come crashing down (as if it hasn't already!).

I'll tell you this, though, Susie: Scare up a few dozen issues of my run on She-Hulk. It represents the one shining moment in comics when the ladies were welcome to play along and no harm came to the comics medium. It was tough for me to do, but I think well worth it in the end. Too bad no one recognizes this achievement today.

16:02 / 26.09.06

Hey JB,
I gather you have something to do with comics...but, who the hell are you?

miss wonderstarr

16:20 / 26.09.06

Hey JB

what do you think of liberal issues in comics, like homosexuality? I picked up an issue of Alpha Flight once and couldn't believe what I saw: a "hero" called Northstar, claiming proudly "I ... AM... GAY!" Now fashionable creators like Warren Ellis blatantly include homosexuality between figures like Apollo and The Midnighter.

What next? Superman in a bright PINK suit, having to choose between Lois and... Jimmy Olsen?!

I'm all for real-world issues in comics, like Bats dealing with the War On Terror and the Joker teaming up with the Ayatollah. Our greatest superheroes have reflected newspaper headlines ever since Supes fought Adolph Hitler, and long may that continue. But is there a limit we have to reach before comics start dealing with political issues and paying heed to every minority... in short, before comics just aren't fun anymore?

17:20 / 26.09.06

JB, I had a conversation about your artwork with my comicbook store dealer recently, and he had an interesting idea.

He said, after decades of drawing superheroes, you´ve drawn faces, characters, certain poses, and locations so often, you don´t think about it anymore but for years now, are drawing on autopilot. So Captain America talking to the Hulk will just look exactly like Reed Richards talking to Ben Grimm, for example. And that´s the reason you´re art has become so predictable and lifeless.

What do you have to say about that, JB?

17:30 / 26.09.06

Hey JB,

How did you feel when your Doom Patrol was retconned from continuity?

miss wonderstarr

19:54 / 26.09.06

Hey JB,

How did you feel when your Doom Patrol was retconned from continuity?

Hey D!ckw@d! It doesn't take JB to answer this one... any true fan can step up to the plate and hit your dumb question onto its a$$.

JB's DP was the *in*-continuity successor to Paul Kupperberg and Eric Larsen's great run on the series. But don't worry... there's hard evidence. Check out DP #17, page 4, panel 12. (I'll give you time to run down to your Mom's basement and dig out your comics. You do *own* Kupperberg's run, right!!? Cause anyone who doesn't know PK's DP doesn't have much right to shoot off their mouth about great comics. Can I get a hell yeah?)

Got it? Check the design of Robotman's helm and breastplate. Now flip to JB's pencils, anywhere in the JB reboot. Same Robotman. That's something we in the trade call... CONTINUITY.

Now siddown! it's time for me to school you with some real hard science. That cockamamie-a$$ non-sense that came BETWEEN PK and JB's DP NEVER HAPPENED. Evidence? Don't worry Junior, I can give you chapter and verse.

1. The DP consists of Rhea, Elasti-Girl, Neggy, Chief and Robotman. Celsius and Karma were great additions by Paul, but JB decided to strip the team back down to basics.

2. The DP is NOT, repeat NOT (did you hear that at the back? Can I get a hollerrr!) about a Gay Sidewalk (?!). It is not a problem page for female problems of menstruation. It is not the place for all manner of swishy Wizard of Oz non-sense.

3. The "post-modern" (= I can't think of a proper story arc or deliver solid pencils) femininst "phase" of DP was *never in continuity*. Case in point? Turn to any page of the DP issues by Gr*nt M*rrison or R*chel P*lack. (You don't own 'em? Dig 'em out of a bargain bin at the next comics mart. They're good for kindling.) In every episode authored by those individuals, Robotman goes by the name Cliff. That makes every page of every issue strictly non-canon... non-continuity. Case closed, your Honor, and God Bless us all.

Did I do O.K. JB? Happy to Help, sir!

-----------------
Wonderstarr
3rd in Command, JB's Crack Troops Club

"Let's Roll"

20:19 / 26.09.06

miss wonderstarr - Politics, liberal or otherwise, have no place in the comics medium. Any time you find issues such as homosexuality in comics, rest assured that the writer has an agenda to push and a line of thought to sell you on. You're safe to brand these people hucksters and propagandists. Instead, find yourself a comic (or two!) that is free of politics and political tripe. When you come upon the story of a hero using his power to fight the Evildoers he sees in the world, you'll know you're on the right track. I'd highly recommend the forthcoming Batman vs. Al-Qaeda to you. Frank Miller is a good friend of mine, and one of the few real creators left in the field.

You'll go far in this biz!

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Copper Age Keggers, A Twist in the Mist, and John - You are all assholes and three of the many reasons that comics are in the sad shape they are in today. Enjoy telling and retelling your "Bad Byrne" stories.

-----

I see that Von Mises is an infrequent contributor to these boards. Maybe there's hope for this place yet!

21:15 / 26.09.06

Aha! I thought I recognised your posting style, wonderstarr... You're one of them!

21:29 / 26.09.06

Hey, JB, I bet you're soooo stoked that Tutti Fruitti is making its stage debut! Did you reckon Robbie Coltrane was like a kind of Ben Grimm and do you think Dawn Steele can capture the Wonder Woman subtext in her part? Bessies,

---Man-O-Steel-boy

21:33 / 26.09.06

Dear JB,
I cant speak about the other people but I know Im not an asshole. I hardly, if ever, read comics. Your attitude may be the reason comics are in such a state.

22:35 / 26.09.06

JB - I note with DISGUST that M***** and D(i)C(ks) are apparently no longer pursuing your services post- your brief and very modern-looking pencils on The Atom (you definitely showed those image guys a thing or two about Dynamism.!) and your reduced too drawing and selling off a back log of pin-ups, some computer-generated! Can I get one for being a big fan?

Anyway, sorry jB got carried away, this so exciting!! My question was - ah - when can we look forward to seeing you on sequential art again (preferably on a Kirby Kreation!!!)??

Our Lady Has Left the Building

05:33 / 27.09.06

Damn you cube! So all I can add is: JB, what's it like being married to Tilda Swinton?

05:49 / 27.09.06

Copper Age Keggers, A Twist in the Mist, and John - You are all assholes and three of the many reasons that comics are in the sad shape they are in today. Enjoy telling and retelling your "Bad Byrne" stories.

I've moved for Keggers, Mist and John to be banned ASAP and to have all their posts deleted...

pointless & uncalled for

06:47 / 27.09.06

Hey JB, both Warren Ellis and Frank Miller reckon they could take you in a fight. What do you reckon your chances are?

What is your fighting style and are you conversant in any sweet moves?

paranoidwriter waves hello

08:45 / 27.09.06

*De-ah Jay-Boi:

Haaaaallroyyyyyt Moyyyttt! Ow am ya? Yam all roit, ow-a kid? Oi ad no oidea yow waz frum da Midlunds, 'till last yeee-ah. Ayce! All thowse yeee-ahs loving yow az a draw-a, an oi ad now oi-dea!

Anywayz, Oi juz wanned to say ow much Oiv luvved ya drawin an'tha ova tha yeee-ahs? Oi think yow moight be tha roison whoi Oi gow awe wobbloi when Oi see air that lucks loik it's aloive (?)... loike yow pict-chas ov Jean Gray...(?)

Wud luv ta work wiv ya one day, an'all, an shayke ya and, loik?

Onnist, I loik ya, kid.

Ta-ra a bit,

pee-duble-ya

x

P.S. Fuck nows whoi day all wanna tayke da piss. Did yow doo somefin wrong or somefin?

[*Translations available by request

]

11:51 / 27.09.06

Baz - Thank you. I knew contacting half a dozen moderators would have to get me somewhere in that regard. (And seriously folks, how many button-pushers do you NEED for a message board?! One mod per forum and be done with it! Yeesh!)

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cube wants to ski in Sarajevo - What in Thor's name is Tutti Frutti? I've never heard of it. Of course, if I've never heard of it, it can't be worth hearing about. Nevertheless, indulge me with your knowledge of trivia.

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Copper Age Keggers - If you "hardly, if ever, read comics", maybe you should stay the hell out of a thread dedicated to comic's foremost creator. Think you can do that, Sparky?

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Falcon - You can "get one" the same way everyone else does. Contact my art dealer and pony up some dough. These Superman cartoons on DVD aren't going to pay for themselves! You'll next see my pencil grace the towering gods that sprung from Jolly Jack's head when the mugs at DC get their collective heads out of their collective asses. If you'd like to start a letter writing campaign to DC, go ahead. Don't expect much for your efforts, though.

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Our Lady Longs For Showers - Where in blue hell did you get the idea that I was married to Ms. Swinton? This is the first I've heard of her and, frankly, she's a bit too "man-ish" for me. I like 'em blond with big, natural boobies*. My kind of gal needs to look good in a Sue Storm outfit too. Tilda doesn't fit the criteria, I think.

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ignominious - When Warren Ellis can pull himself away from his computer porn and Wired magazines (toe-may-toe/toe-mah-toe?), we'll see who the real tough guy is. All I need to do is think of the despicable things he's done to the superhero genre, and I'll be able to punch him through a wall.

Um, when did Frank say that? And what were his EXACT words?

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paranoidwriter - Speak English.

*[Paraphrased from an actual John Byrne quote! - mortified monk]

pointless & uncalled for

12:03 / 27.09.06

Frank said it on Sunday morning whilst we were strolling along the beach at Hilton Head.

IIRC the exact words were; "JB's going down one of these days, preferably at my doing. That little scrote'll be easy business and no messing."

paranoidwriter waves hello

12:11 / 27.09.06

Dear JB:

Sorry, comrade: I thought you were born in Walsall?

How old were you when you moved to the US?

Have you forgotten your "Yam-Yam"? Would you like me to translate for you?

Love,

p.w

12:52 / 27.09.06

Hey JB,

How do you find the time to rack up 25,000 posts on your forum while presumably working full time as a comic book genius?

paranoidwriter waves hello

13:06 / 27.09.06

P.S. Yeah, JB, how do you do it all? Do you have Hypergraphia or something equally sexy sounding?

14:49 / 27.09.06

ignominous - HA! You're obviously a damned liar. Anyone who knows Frank Miller knows he detests the beach and everything about it. Does Frank Miller look to you like a man who'd don a Speedo and frolick in the surf? I didn't think so. Case closed.

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paranoidwriter - DON'T call me "comrade".

I was just a wee lad when my family left the UK for Canada. When I caught up with them a year later, they'd decided to move to America and I followed. I was probably about six at the time. Old enough to know I was entering The Greatest Country in the World. Upon my arrival, I proudly declared myself an American and haven't looked back. I've long since left behind the vernacular of my birth and miss it not at all. To be honest, I couldn't care less what a yam-yam is. Nor do I want you to translate. What I want is for you to speak proper American English since you are addressing an American and leave your "Brit-speak" at the door. I've already asked you once to do so. One more infraction and you're out on your can. Capeesh?

And another thing: Your constant linking to Wikipediia makes me want to spit hot bile in your eyes. Cut it out.

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Emperor Llama - It's easy for a man who's never missed a deadline in his life. Heck, there was a time when I was writing and drawing five titles a piece for M***** and DC. Not one deadline missed. Not so much as a rushed page or a continuity error. One has to be adept at thinking about a number of subjects and ideas all at once. I call my method "multi-tasking". Check the FAQ on my website to find out how to order my illustrated pamphlet "JB's Guide to Deadlines Dilemmas" for more information.

14:54 / 27.09.06

Hey JB,

Can I sleep all night in your soul kitchen?

your pal,
Gridley

paranoidwriter waves hello

15:01 / 27.09.06

I love you JB!

15:09 / 27.09.06

gridley - Well, I do welcome fans to the house from time to time, but you'll have to give me your bona fides before we can meet. The rule is that you'll have to send me a photo (or series of photos) of all of the comics in your collection. EVERY ONE. Laying them out on the floor edge-to-edge is probably the easiest way to do it. Send me the photo(s) and I'll decide whether you're worthy enough for a visit with me. After that, it's a simple matter of arranging to meet at a neutral, public location and a ride in my car (you'll be blindfolded of course) and you'll be at the gates of your Valhalla: Stately Byrne Manor!

Take your photos and add them to the "Bona Fides" thread at the JBF. I'll contact you when Phase Two begins.

Wait a minute. "Soul" kitchen? That better not be a euphemism for drugs. Or anything sexual. My ass is "Exit Only".

-------

paranoidwriter - Good. I look forward to you acting like it.

paranoidwriter waves hello

15:18 / 27.09.06

Yeah, but "acting" isn't real life is it Daddy?

15:26 / 27.09.06

act [akt] – noun
1. anything done, being done, or to be done; deed; performance: a heroic act.

Now quit ACTING like an ass.

15:13 / 06.10.06

Editor's note - It has been brought to my attention that this thread is potentially harmful and one in a line of threads and posts that mercilessly mock our former idols. Nothing, dear reader, could be further from the truth. And so, in the interests of clarity:

I have never worshipped, been impressed by, or even much cared for John Byrne as an artist or writer. I find his work distinctly average at best and anal-retentive garbage at worst. His public persona is, I feel, a laughable, tragic mess and one ripe for parody. I have tried to provide that parody here.

Further, it is my hope that this thread will be a help to the board by acting as a centralized point for Byrne-bashing that may derail other threads, and I would welcome posters being re-directed here for that purpose.

I thank you.

15:13 / 06.10.06

Bored now!

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

15:19 / 06.10.06

JB- Why is it, do you think, that whenever hookers dye their hair blonde, it makes them look a bit, well, foreign?

15:49 / 06.10.06

Black Stoats Ate The Sky - A good question, and one that works just as well vice-versa'd! The truth is, no one can be sure. One is almost forced to say, "That's just the way it is!" and leave it at that. For myself, I think it comes down to a matter of Changing What Should Not Be Changed. There are certain traits and characteristics that just shouldn't be altered, lest the original intent be lost for all time. I consider dye-jobs and all other such transformations employed by the Fairer Sex to be Out of Continuity. This blonde-in-a-can acts as a little red flag that goes up for me when I meet a lady of the night. It's a sign that she's really not worth my time or effort. "How do you expect to play Sue Storm if the drapes don't match the carpet!"

If your roots are showing, gals, rest assured your insecurity and desperate need for attention are as well. And your chances of an evening with Big John B are nil at best.

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

16:13 / 06.10.06

Thanks JB. I wasn't really sure myself, but now you've put it so eloquently, I think that's pretty much what I've really thought all along, but haven't been able to put into words.

16:21 / 06.10.06

JB, why do you hate Alan Moore so? Are you jealous he is the one famed to "know the score", even though you are cleary a lot more savvy in the matters of international politics, political correctness and the true meaning of just about everything?

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