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If it ain't broke, don't fix it....

 
  

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Kali, Queen of Kitteh
14:23 / 02.09.06
Flyboy, so far this guy passed the new standards tests and again, I really want to blame half of his behavior towards this particular issue on his age, so don't look at me...

Forget it. Talking about this is starting to make me upset.
 
 
Kali, Queen of Kitteh
14:49 / 02.09.06
(deep breath taken as well as a time-out)

I have already admitted I have made shit choices in relationships. The last one was with a man fifteen years my senior who honestly--now that I can look at it in hindsight--didn't give a shit either or not I hurt myself, and back then he was the main reason I was hurting myself. Dealing with that sort of indifference and even worse, allowing myself to continue to remain in that relationship (which I'm still ashamed of all these years later) has made me very very gunshy.

Insofar as I can tell, this guy is a complete gentleman. The only thing I dislike his quiet disapproval at the things I have done to myself. In one of his emails he wrote, "I want you to be with me and I want you to learn to love yourself better."

Nice sentiment, I think.
 
 
Ganesh
15:00 / 02.09.06
Kali, if you're clear in your own mind how you want this individual to behave with regard to your previous self-harming, you need to communicate that clearly to him. Tell him which aspects of his concern you like, and which make you feel sullen, and tell him why. Tell him how you'd like him to change.
 
 
Kali, Queen of Kitteh
15:05 / 02.09.06
Communication is not exactly my strong point. Guess I'd better work on that, eh?
 
 
Ganesh
15:07 / 02.09.06
You communicate well here. Cut & paste to non-virtual life.
 
 
Kali, Queen of Kitteh
15:14 / 02.09.06
Excellent point, 'Nesh.

I wish I didn't have trouble saying out loud the things that upset me, that stress me, that make me retreat into myself. I wish I could tell people that care about me all the things that trouble me.
 
 
Peek
16:14 / 02.09.06
Don't say them out loud, then. At least not yet.

I have terrible trouble organising my thoughts enough, and keeping calm enough, to have actual conversations about things like this. I find it much easier to write stuff down, where I can consider if what I'm saying really is what I mean. (And vice-versa). How about email, and start with "I have all sorts of trouble having discussions about this, but here are some of my thoughts." - and maybe move on to actual talking when you're more comfortable and the basic ground rules are settled?
 
 
Ganesh
17:23 / 02.09.06
I wish I didn't have trouble saying out loud the things that upset me, that stress me, that make me retreat into myself. I wish I could tell people that care about me all the things that trouble me.

It seems to me, then, that responsibility lies with you here, to overcome that retreating-into-self sufficiently to communicate (as well in Real Life as you do online) with your prospective beau. He's not psychic; he needs feedback.

Give him the URL of this thread...
 
 
Kali, Queen of Kitteh
14:13 / 05.09.06
Update, as it were:

One hour of time spent together, every couple of days, and it's not working for me.

I don't require someone else to be there all the time, but I would rather like it if the person I'm seeing doesn't always have to leave.

Last night I told him that I had the distinct impression that he was losing interest in me.

He said it wasn't true, he's sorry that he's been so busy.

I said I understood that but I hoped that I would make the list of priorities, too.

He replied that he wants to spend more time with me but he's made commitments and he has to keep them.

My response: I understand that so perhaps I should ask myself what I need to do.

He was silent. Then said please sleep on it and we'll talk about it tomorrow.

I don't think I can do this. I've played second fiddle in a relationship where the guy's job has come first. I've not been happy. When do my needs come into play? I fucking accomodate everyone else's needs, when is it my turn?

Sorry, sorry, guys, a little emotional right now....
 
 
Ganesh
14:18 / 05.09.06
Stop accommodating other people's needs in an unlimited way. Give some serious thought to your own, as a single person rather than one half of a relationship.

And do sleep on it.
 
 
Kali, Queen of Kitteh
14:21 / 05.09.06
That's how I'm trying to look at it, 'Nesh. My needs as one person rather than as two.
 
 
Mirror
16:46 / 05.09.06
Bit of a tangent here...

I'm not sure what your criteria for acceptance are, but a baseline requirement that's served me well is this:

Were I not romantically interested in this person, would I actively cultivate their friendship? Cos, y'know, you've gotta be friends first and foremost for things to work out.

I find it's a harder question to answer honestly than one might expect, but useful nonetheless.
 
 
Kali, Queen of Kitteh
16:53 / 05.09.06
The guy in question is someone I would be friends with outside of the romantic equation. He's easy to talk to, seems fond of me, and I of him, and he is more stable than anyone I know.
 
 
Kali, Queen of Kitteh
13:03 / 06.09.06
We've decided that the relationship is too problematic for the time being.

So...it's over.

And I'm sad about it, frankly. I really liked him.
 
 
Hydra vs Leviathan
14:37 / 06.09.06
shit, that sucks...

I very, very strongly agree with the "take the person as ze is, and if you're not comfortable with that, it's better to not have a relationship with hir than try to change hir" POV, but also know from experience that if you love someone, it's often very hard not to want to change them... my passionately libertarian beliefs and my deeply felt experience of being on the recieving end of such behaviour (by parents, friends and others) tend to (usually, and thankfully) get the better of my impulses to do so, but it can still be hard to not do so without realising it...

I appreciate that a lot of people don't understand the self-cutting thing (and i also think using the blanket term "self-harm" for it (especially when the same term is used to cover things that actually are suicidal or parasuicidal in intent) isn't helpful), but, well, i think that kind of comes down to experience, and is just a "some people get it, some people don't" kind of thing - some people i know understand that it can be not so much a problem as a (not necessarily the, or the best, but one) solution to a problem, and those that don't, i tend not to tell about it...

(for me, in the times when i have needed it, it's been not so much "self-destructive" as arguably "self-creative"... but Shiva being my favourite deity and Bakunin my favourite political philosopher may have something to do with that...)

bloody hell, the whole Hindu pantheon's on this thread... have a pic (hope that isn't stepping too far into Megatron's territory...)
 
 
Kali, Queen of Kitteh
14:53 / 06.09.06
Tragically, it wasn't the cutting thing that ended the relationship. It came from realization that he and I are at different places in our lives. He's 24 and more concerned with his career, and I'm 29 and more concerned with having a relationship that doesn't have me tearing my hair out.

So.

Off to pretend that I'm not crying.
 
 
Dead Megatron
19:39 / 06.09.06
Sorry to hear that, Kali. Maybe in time you two willg et together again, this time at the right moment for the bothj of you.

In the mean time, live your life

[transform to jokey mode]
And Natty, I'm not sure what you meant by "Megatron's territory" but, by all means, make yourself at home.
 
 
Hydra vs Leviathan
19:46 / 06.09.06
well, i thought that, given the theological pun in my name, that pic could be construed as flirting...
 
 
Kali, Queen of Kitteh
19:54 / 06.09.06
Well, it's what I get for dating the young'uns.
 
 
Dead Megatron
20:16 / 06.09.06
well, i thought that, given the theological pun in my name, that pic could be construed as flirting...

No, I'm done with that on the 'lith.
 
 
Kali, Queen of Kitteh
20:21 / 06.09.06
Ouch.
 
 
Peek
22:22 / 07.09.06
Sorry to hear it Kali.
 
 
Kali, Queen of Kitteh
13:18 / 08.09.06
It's all I can do to quit moping around....

I really liked him. Dammit.
 
 
Shrug
13:30 / 08.09.06
Ag... poor dear, chin up..
 
 
Kali, Queen of Kitteh
14:02 / 08.09.06
Doing my best, dears, doing my best.
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
14:03 / 08.09.06
Ouch. Look after yourself, Kali.
 
 
Kali, Queen of Kitteh
14:08 / 08.09.06
What sucks is that this was a person who would just randomly send me texts on the phone like: "I hope your day is going well," or "How are you today?," or "Have I told you I think you're wonderful?", or "Have I told you lately how gorgeous you are?"

It was nice.
 
  

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