| |
|
Nice one. It's really emerged, I think, from the chrysalis of the first draft.
"Sunshine boned with competence" still bothers me, however. Perhaps because you mention competence twice, perhaps because, as a phrase, an image, an idea or all of the above, I can't quite grasp it - it sounds good, but when you look closer, it won't give up its meaning. (Not to me, anyway).
It's also such an unusual line that it sticks out a mile, and as such I think needs to work compeletely, or not at all. Could you bear to rework it? What do you mean by it, at that point of the poem? |
|
|
