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As is so often the case, I wish we had a decaffeinated version of this thread (a la the 'Anger and hate'/'Miserable'/'Oh dear' threads) to let me talk about my relentlessly trivial worries, since I would rather not hijack the discussion when ibis's genuinely serious and multi-faceted personal issues have inspired such supportive and insightful comments. My merely posting "What those guys said" won't cut it. That said....
Like others, I often characterise myself as shy and awkward with strangers and acquaintances. I struggle to make conversation, build bridges with people, bond over shared viewpoints or fill gaps in the air. Since I have a fairly negative self-image, I tend to attribute these self-deficiency not to shyness pure and simple, but to personal arrogance - "These people have nothing to say, I don't want to talk to them" and apathy - "These people won't want to hear from a dull person like me, it's pointless trying to engage them". These forces tend to colour my interactions quite often, with the result that even when I become lively and involved with a group interaction I'll most likely keep my comments on the crushingly banal side, simply in order to avoid provoking unwanted attention. That's my most common experience - that while to an observer I might appear engaged, cheerful and fluent, I'm secretly praying the discussion doesn't wander into territory beyond the trivial.
It should be made clear that I'm fully cognizant of the fact that the personal arrogance I mentioned above belongs to me alone - it's never at all a factor of "the kind of" people I spend time with - and that I expend a lot of effort in ensuring it doesn't filter out into my reactions to what others say or do. Principally because I don't want a hiding. Of course, all this mental energy would be more usefully employed engaging fully with other people rather than in inhibitive self-protection.
If any of the above strikes a chord with anyone here, please reply with your perspective; alternatively, please shoot me down at will. |
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