While there are some aspects about sex and desire I am private about, generally I am glad to talk about the subject. For example, I've never concealed my interest in BDSM and I'm even happy to talk about what that means for me, but even lovers— maybe especially lovers— have a hard time getting me to share an actual fantasy or request. (Which reticence is, by the way, unhealthy for me in many circumstances.)
I regulate my own boundaries by making sure people know what's appropriate or inappropriate to do with the information I share with them, and trying not to be too free with information that is going to hurt me badly if they misuse it. On the other hand, there's very little about my sexual life that I feel could actually hurt me if misused. I suppose I might be denied a particularly stodgy job in a Catholic boys' school, to my deep and abiding sorrow, but I think I'll be able to get on with my life after a suitable mourning period. Much of this comes from my privilege— I'm studying and working in an area and a field which is particularly unconcerned with people's sexual lives.
For me, the most potentially irritating possibility stemming from being open about my sexual life is that people might begin feminizing me in the way they interact with me on the board. I think I could handle that if it happened a few times, or if people asked good faith questions or made mistakes in good faith. If it happened a lot or persistently, I would feel harassed. I feel comfortable enough with certain people on the board that I trust if I asked for backup from these people they'd help me out, and two or three of us could reason down someone who was otherwise a barbelither but was persistently making me feel uncomfortable. It's not their responsibility, though, and I can see that people might not feel like it's appropriate for me to PM them and ask them to get involved with a discussion about my private life, even if it's only to the extent of telling the person who's making me uncomfortable to back off. That might be an argument against making space for these kinds of conversations, in whatever form. But I also think it's a reasonably remote risk, except with people who would probably end up getting themselves banned anyway.
a lot of the chats I've had about sex with male friends... have rarely been very "examined". More frequently, they've been a bit jokey or even worse, competitive. ... The more personal, revalatory and intimate discussions have been a lot rarer, though they have occured.
I think I also feel that way, that I have little outlet for actually having personal, self-reflective discussions about my sexuality and my interrelationships (even nonsexual ones) with people I respect. I feel that these conversations are not for me substantively different from the conversations I have on barbelith about other topics. The same sort of rules apply: don't attack people, be respectful, critique ideas rather than the poster (to which I would add the poster's feelings or experiences, but I think that's generally understood). It's just the content that's different. So for that reason I'd like to create a space where those kinds of conversations can flourish on barbelith.
There are a few rules that should apply to these kinds of conversations which don't necessarily apply elsewhere. People should be able to "take the fifth" if they feel a question is getting too personal, without the questioner feeling that they've somehow scored a point or that the person who refused them an answer is trying to weasel out of something. People should be especially careful about bringing information out of PMs which relates to this subject matter, even if it seems germane to the discussion. Posters should rigorously respect boundaries of comfort— "I'm not comfortable with this conversation anymore" should not be seen as an opening for further interrogation; it's much more important that that poster be given the space they need to feel comfortable than that we satisfy our curiosity about the exact causes, mechanisms, and experiences contributing to their discomfort.
We're a lot of intellectuals, and we live in our heads much of the time, if I may be so bold as to generalize from my own experience. This makes barbelith feel unbalanced to me. It doesn't need to be balanced, but it might benefit from some. I don't love the "women like this kind of talk, so talking about relationships will make barbelith more women-friendly!" line of argument. I think it would be better to say that certain people who tend to be more interrelational than intellectual would feel more comfortable on barbelith, and I think that's as valid (although perhaps not as immediately necessary) a pursuit as making barbelith more "women-friendly." |
