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Ultimately, I want to be in a relationship with a guy that I'm madly in love with, and who will love me in return. Not a guy who's willing to share me with other guys. I want a relationship that involves companionship, passion and commitment.
Er, little bit of a value judgment here?
'willing to share' is different from, just as an example, 'happy about my partner having loving relationships with other people' or, 'keen that my partner has spaces in which to get from someone else things that I cannot or do not wish to provide'.
The first isn't something I'd fancy either, as it sounds a bit grim/devaluaing whereas I'd suggest that people who felt either of the above two statements would be valuing their partner, albeit in a different way.
Also, who's to say that relationships involving permutations of more than two people don't involve companionship, passion and commitment?
Perhaps it's just that the criteria by which these qualities are judged shift?
quoting from Ex above:
And I've read a bucketload of stuff about nonmonogamy, and talked to nonmonogamous people, and been nonmonogamous, and got a load of useful concepts from all that (as well as from feminist and political writing) - taking responsibility for your own feelings, not trying to own or control your partner, or be the be-all and end-all for your them, and knowing that your partner's love for someone else isn't a threat or an insult. But I'm currently doing monogamy
I'd say that most forms of relationship structure have things worth taking from them that apply to other types of relationships.
Monogamous realationships for example offer a valuing, as people have said, of intense connection with/focus on your partner.
There *are* specific challenges, but I realy do believe that of it comes down to commnication, honesty with self and others, compassion, a wilingness to try and being on a similar page (or being able to negotiate to that page) as regards what you what from that relationship.
in a kind of mirror to Ex, I've done monogamy, in and out of relationships*. I've thought alot about monogamy, discussed it, tried it. I'm currently doing nonmonogamy.
Have been non-monogamous for a while now. It seems to be working better for me, and that's why I do it, not because it is the One Way.
I also have very little patience with anyone who espouses a 'One True Way' philosophy about any type of relationship.
The important thing, and its pretty obv, is to find what works for you. Hopefully you then can find someone/s who want similar things...
Currently describe myself as 'learner poly', in that polyamory is pretty new, it's an experiment and exploration. Poly and me, we're having a bit of a probationary period, and seeing what happens.
Right now I would definitely describe myself as nonmonogamous, but not always as poly, I don't think.
Final thing I'd like to say, is that it's not neccessarily an opposition, a neat line with monogamy at one end and polyamorous at the other. There aer a million differing 'lines' along that scale that work for different people.
Or one's monogamous/polyamorus 'status' can depend on who one is in a relationship with.
For many people, the style of relationshp, 'being mono or poly' is pretty nonnegotiatble. But it's certainly not the case for all.
*This is to me an important distinction, between monogamous and/or polyamorous relationships and monogamous/polyamorous identities.
Saying 'I'm non-monogamous' doesn't imply to me that I'm going out looking for multiple lovers any more than saying 'I'm monogamous' would suggest that I was always on the hunt for my One True Love. |
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