Interesting subject, and one I’ve been thinking a lot about lately. The almost universal portrayal of Simon Hughes in the British press as a confused and/or lying gay man, rather than bisexual – as he identifies himself – has certainly been revealing.
Especially the bigoted response from Lowri Turner. Choice extracts from Lowri (which really speak for themselves):
However much I love my gay friends, I don't want them running the country
Those who claim to be bisexual are simply trying to fudge the truth.
Before I am accused of prejudice, I should say that not only are some of my best friends gay, but probably most of them are.
Their lifestyles are too divorced from the norm.
I have gay friends whose biggest headache is whether to have a black sofa or a cream one.
My gay friends have not sat in accident and emergency with a small child. [...] Without these experiences at the sharp end of our public services, they do not know how they function.
I don’t think it’s even worth deconstructing Turner’s article itself – it resembles something like a logical argument (in as much as it uses well formed English sentences), but is more just a strange kind of emotive grunting.
Anyway. I guess what’s prompted me to post here (my first post on Barbelith in years – apologies for length) is the idea of a “bisexual identity” and how I relate to that as a man who finds both women and men attractive.
To give you some personal details, I’m on the straight side of bi. I’d say if I took a sample of the last ten people I found attractive, maybe three of them would be boys. Occasionally up to five out of ten. But I’ve never found myself further into the gay side of bi. I’m also in a long term relationship with a girl, and will probably (hopefully) never find myself single again. So superficially I’m straight. And yet, I’m not comfortable with identifying as straight. Because... Well... I’m not - I’m sexually and emotionally attracted to my own sex... I should point out that I don’t make a secret of any of this, but don’t really make a point of it either.
So would I identify as bi? That’s the big question for me. Should I identify as bi?
I suppose someone else in my position would use the term “bi-curious”. But that’s a really crap term, isn’t it? The term “curious” is loaded with so much baggage. That when my “curiosity” was satisfied, I’m somehow going to fall on one side of the fence or the other. And that I’m even “curious” at all. I’m not – I know perfectly well what I feel, and am perfectly happy with it.
So would I use the term “bisexual”? I have to admit that I don’t tend to.
I think there are two things that stop me from using that term to identify myself. Firstly is the social stigma attached to it, in regards to the “aren’t-I-provocative-I’m-bisexual! badge of honour” thing mentioned upthread. That rightly or wrongly, some people seem to believe that claiming you’re bisexual is an empty gesture performed largely by rebellious teenagers who don’t really fancy men at all. Like calling yourself an anarchist, or dying your hair blue. A fashion-gay, hedging their bets in case the girl of their dreams comes along and they have to quickly backtrack on the whole homosex thing. Strangely, this characterisation seems to only apply to men. Women can claim to be bisexual, and that’s never in doubt. Perhaps it’s because het men are responsible for the normalisation of female bisexuality and lesbianism (because, you know “two girls and all that, phoar, eh lads?!” ). And those same het men are still repulsed by male equivalent (“Eurgh, it’s just not natural, is it?!”), and so have trouble believing in its existence…
Of course, as a superficially straight man in a long term relationship with a member of the opposite sex, calling myself bisexual is going to look like the sort of empty gesture characterised above…
And that leads me onto the second, more significant reason that I have trouble identifying as bisexual – I just don’t feel entitled to it. It seems that bisexual is definitely a “queer” term, especially as it now appears commonly in the acronym LGBT, nestling alongside Lesbian and Gay. And I don’t think of myself as “queer” at all – let me qualify that – yes, I’m attracted to members of my own sex, but I’ve never been on the receiving end of the prejudices that gay men or women suffer. The concept of “queer” as I understand it, is that it’s not merely a description of sexual orientation, but also involves the idea of a community, gay pride, safe spaces, and a positive identity that has sprung up in reaction to the traditional prejudices in society. And so, not experiencing those prejudices, I don’t feel entitled to take part in that identity. I'm not sure I'd want to take part in it. And I suspect that a significant number of gay people wouldn’t want someone like me taking part in being queer either. For many gay people, I’m most definitely straight. Ironically, for many straight people (e.g. Lowri Turner), I’d be gay.
So what’s my point with all this? I guess I’m saying that I suspect that there are many people like me, who form a large part of the bisexual world, but don’t feel entirely comfortable identifying as bisexual. Which might account for something of the invisibility of bisexuals in society. |
