Subcultural engagement for the 21st Century...
Barbelith is a new kind of community (find out more)...
You can login or register.

Underground > Conversation >

Wedding List Dilemmas

Page: (1)2

07:45 / 27.07.05

Let's discuss your experiences of wedding lists here, with a secondary purpose of helping me solve a dilemma.

I've only bought off a list once before. I just went online, clicked the thing and off it went. No hassles.

This is my second time, and the list is at a big dept store in Australia who do this sort of thing all the time. Problem is that they want to charge a "service fee" of $10 (approx. £4). Is this normal? I think it's pretty fucked myself. Isn't the whole idea behind these things that the store provides the service in exchange for getting thousands of dollars in guaranteed sales?

I wonder if my friends know that every single one of their guests is being charged this fee. I certainly wouldn't use the service if I knew that my guests were being charged. Should I tell them, or would that make me look like a tight arse?

No doubt we'll end up paying since buying something ourselves and posting it to Oz will be a lot more hassle but if I were in Sydney I would be far more inclined to ... *gasp* ... go off-list.

08:03 / 27.07.05

Never heard of a service fee on a wedding list- maybe you should tell your friend as it would certainly put me off using it.

I just bought from a wedding list online this week and found it very easy- it removes the hassle of how much should i spend? Is this gift right for both bride and groom? Do they want this? My thoughts on the whole gift list thing is that the couple getting married have provided you with a list of stuff that they actually want/ need. If you want to get them something more personal you can still do it but for those of us dithering over gifts it can be a godsend. If the couple didn't want the stuff on the list they shouldn't put it on the list- or have a list in the first place.

some other friends got married last year and rather than have a gift list (they'd lived together 10 years and didn't need crockery or a tea set) asked for cash for a long honeymoon - I think they managed to get away for about 4 weeks in the end and have described it as the trip of their lives, so there are alternatives.

Back on the service charge thing- discreetly tell your friends (they're as likely to be as upset as you are, as well as a little embarassed) and maybe offer to get them something more personal.

08:22 / 27.07.05

My brother got married recently and did that same thing with the honeymoon idea, and set up a wedding list account with a travel agent. Apparently there were rumours that a lot of people didn't like that for some reason. I suppose it makes it a little harder because you don't have any guide as to how much to spend.

08:27 / 27.07.05

I've never come across department stores in Britain adding a service charge and it would certainly put me off buying from the list.

We went to a wedding earlier this year and the wedding list was from John Lewis. It was very top heavy with lots of expensive gifts and not very many cheaper gifts. Most of the cheaper gifts were things like say, a champagne flute for £16 - with a little note saying they wanted 6. So you'd look like a skinflint if you only bought the one or even two. The "happy couple" were far from poor and had lived together for about 3 years. The groom admitted that the list was partially compiled by his new mother-in-law who listed things she felt her daughter should have rather wanted. I found the whole thing quite offensive and was all for buying them one of those goats that Oxfam would donate to an African village on your behalf. In the end my partner convinced me to buy off list and we bought them a funky modern clock, which on reflection, will look bloody silly in their huge (but being renovated) period house in Glasgow's west end.
To be honest, if you've lived together for years, I think asking for gifts is in bad taste. I'm sure if gifts were made discretionary, you'd still get loads of good stuff and really, so what if you get 3 toasters!

As for your Australian dilemma Loomis, well the easiest thing would be to buy from the list having deducted the service charge from the amount you first thought you'd like to spend. If you can be bothered, you might find something different you'd like to buy from an online site based in Oz. This is how I usually buy my mother a Christmas present, as she lives in New Zealand. Often, they will charge you extra to wrap and then of course delivery, but still cheaper than sending from the UK.

08:56 / 27.07.05

Well, the department store in question claims the $10 charge is for wrapping and delivery. But given the massive profit they're going to make from everyone buying presents there, I think they could swallow the cost of wrapping - and presumably it'll all get delivered in one big lorry load!
Urgh, weddings and wedding lists, they're a pain in the arse. At least you don't need new shoes for this one, Loomis :-)

08:58 / 27.07.05

(And, while I'm whinging, what's the point of wrapping presents chosen from a 'demand list' - it's not like it's a surprise!)

08:58 / 27.07.05

That goat idea is genius. To be honest, that's exactly the kind of tree-hugging thing they would expect from us. Mind you it's not really vegan. Maybe Oxfam can send some lentils to Africa for us.

The problem with buying something cheaper off the list is that we want to get something vaguely similar to what we would get anyway rather than a bed skirt (yes, that's on the list). We have our collective eye on a cocktail set which may remind them of their boozy time in Edinburgh with us.

That's a good idea about going off-list but in oz to save delivery charges. I suppose it wouldn't be that hard to find something. But these are good friends and I want to get them something that they would really like.

In fact speaking of finding a personal gift, we had looked into getting a store to make them a gift pack thingy of champers etc. and some real ale for the groom who really misses Scotland and its real ale, but we can't find anyone in Oz who sells that!

09:05 / 27.07.05

I think possibly we should send them something to remind them that 'material things don't matter', which was their view when they left here but seems to have been lost in a flurry of olive bowls and cheeseboards.
Bah, humbug, grumble. I'm only bitter because I have no bed skirts. (Is that a valance, or some peculiarly Australian invention?)

09:15 / 27.07.05

It's too hot in Australia to wear pyjamas in bed so we wear skirts.

09:25 / 27.07.05

Bed skirts? Valances? Whatever they are called, they look really naff!

Seriously....not sure about Oz but I know in NZ there are a few mail order places who cater for homesick Poms by importing British goods (and beer). There MUST be an Australian version....and of course there are companies HERE that will send stuff abroad. Pricey though.

You can't really blame them for looking materialistic now. Reality has hit home, they have to get real jobs now and their surroundings are no longer exotic. Still I like the goat idea though yeah, it goes against your principles. If these people are who I think they are, one of them at least should appreciate a donation to a rescuer-of-retired-greyhounds charity, surely?

09:30 / 27.07.05

Yes they are, Brunner. Is there such a charity? That just might be crazy enough to work!

09:48 / 27.07.05

Heck, let's just buy them a greyhound!

09:53 / 27.07.05

I couldn't name such a charity when I wrote that but have just Googled "greyhound charity" and there are loads! Maybe even in Australia....www.happypaws.com is one!!!!

10:17 / 27.07.05

Forget Happy Paws...its crap....there were others! Bloody hell, I sound like an animal lover.....

10:40 / 27.07.05

To be honest, if you've lived together for years, I think asking for gifts is in bad taste.

Hey, some of us cohabitees are poor and need gifts too!

I would like gifts, but not a wedding. I would *especially* like a toaster that puts smiley faces on your toast. I have seen them, in Argos.

Wedding lists are a bit odd, but on the other hand I am slightly bitter about not getting all the goodies that married folks get. We try and move house often in order to accumulate house-warming presents, but it's not the same.

*gazes sadly at ordinary floral-patterned hand-me-down toaster*

11:16 / 27.07.05

Doozy Floop, you are, of course, right. I think I was ineptly attempting to refer back to the days when few people lived together before marriage and wedding gifts were lavished on a new couple to help them start a new home together. Like you, I'm also not married to my partner and although we have bought presents for many tying the knot (some now divorced), we haven't had much back from them....

But I'm not bitter....

13:13 / 27.07.05

when I almost got married I was in my mid twenties and had been living alone since I was 18, so I had pretty much everything I needed. I hated the idea of registering, hated the idea of a bunch of random gifts just as much, and he felt the same way.

I was struggling with wanting to just tell people that if they get me anything, give me money. the wedding was a big one, to accommodate both of our large families and social circles, and all cash received would help alleviate the costs. do you think it's tacky to say so? if so, why is it worse than registering?

I figured it wasn't too bad, I just couldn't think of a tasteful way of directing gift buyers into just stuffing an envelope instead.

13:40 / 27.07.05

Has anyone ever received a birthday party invitation that came with directions to a list of acceptable gifts? No?

Am I being overly English in thinking that there's something ball-tighteningly presumptuous and vulgar about the whole thing?

13:50 / 27.07.05

Hmm. Whenever I've been drawn into discussion of marriage, I've maintained that, as fully paid up members of Teh Gays, the only reasons Xoc and myself might get ape the heterodoxy and get hitched would be to access the various married couple benefits in terms of work superannuations, etc., etc. - and presents. We've half-jokingly talked about the number of times we've splashed out on spendiful gifts (both my sisters have married, my mother's remarried - twice - and every other summer seems to bring a wave of broom-jumping friends and colleagues) and wanting to collect on our 'investment'.

The more I think about it, though, the less appealling the whole list-at-John-Lewis deal sounds. The more practical alternative - asking for money instead - isn't much better (still anxiety-provoking in a "how much doesn't make me look like a skinflint?" kinda way).

If we ever do do the deed (and, after this coming December, there might be some legal benefit to so doing), I like the idea of gifts-optional...

Tryphena Absent

13:51 / 27.07.05

I'm probably the only person on barbelith who truly believes that wedding presents are a good reason to get married but I do. I just like presents.

So you'd look like a skinflint if you only bought the one or even two.

And don't you think this is your own insecurity talking? I doubt they'd give a crap if you only bought two champagne flutes and other poor people would realise that only two had gone and they could buy two more in a jolly, jolly way.

Tryphena Absent

13:54 / 27.07.05

And hell people- gifts optional? Where's that mercenary spirit? Guests go to weddings and have a nice time without realising that it costs thousands all the time. The least you can do is get twenty quid back in present form.

Gifts optional my arse.

13:58 / 27.07.05

Hell, sell tickets why dontcha?

Tryphena Absent

14:00 / 27.07.05

Good idea!!!!! But what price to set them at?

14:08 / 27.07.05

God, yeah - Ganesh is right on the money-giving anxiety. When we did this recently, we just had no idea how much was 'right' and I still don't know if we were seen as generous or downright mean.
And I'm with Brunner - maybe when I was 18 I'd have bought two glasses, but now I'd really feel I had to get all six.
I do see the purpose of wedding lists, but I loathe them at the same time.

14:11 / 27.07.05

Many people believe in the trade-off whereby the guest buys a present equal in value to the amount they can eat and drink at the wedding, which seems fair. Except that weddings often involve other costs like clothes, travel, accomodation, etc. Plus don't forget the stag do or hen's night, engagement party as well, plus baby showers, christenings, etc.

What do those of us who won't get married or have children get, as Ganesh points out? Nuffink.

Shit, I'm buying this gift to a wedding that I'm not even going to. In another sodding country! I'm quite happy to in this instance as they are good friends, but I don't want to be rogered any more than is absolutely necessary. This store doesn't even have the fucking thing online; we have to phone Sydney to do it. And this is the poshest dept store in Australia. Fuckers!

14:14 / 27.07.05

Am I being overly English in thinking that there's something ball-tighteningly presumptuous and vulgar about the whole thing?

Yes you are, and no there's not.

I'm with Nina on this one- presents are good! And if someone throws you a good party you should give something back- its like turning up to a dinner party without wine, its just not done.

If someone tells you what they want then what the hell, as long as they don't go too mad and if they do well then only give them just the one plate/ glass whatever.

14:16 / 27.07.05

weddings - just lights up the dollar signs in the eyes of all purveyors:

a friend a few years ago was sent some material by her best friend with instructions to get her bridesmaid outfit made from it. she shopped around a few places for quotes and, for some reason, forgot to mention it was a bridesmade dress at one of them. their quote was but a third of the others [!!!] another two quotes later confirmed this - mention 'it's for a wedding' and the price skyrockets... it's bloody ubiquitous.

haven't heard of a surcharge on a wedding list at stores here before, loomis, but in these heady days of john howard and user-pays, it sounds entirely likely, dammit. which store, if you are prepared to say? it is hard to get something at the right price that is the right thing when you're so far away. hell, it's hard when you're on the ground here! i have been to a couple nuptials where the couple had a list, but only once did i bother to use it. always rekkun a personal touch is the best.

could try on line - mebbe if you've an idea what you might be after you could get in touch with the centre admin of a couple of nearby large shopping centres and ask for web addresses of shops that might be what you want, go from there.

a couple times s/o & i found something similar to what they wanted elsewhere, so check out what is on your friends' list and see if mebbe you can't source something similar elsewhere, or through contacts you might still have here (i'm in sunny canberra, so can't help you on the ale front in sydney. send them to the wig & pen in canberra for a pint some time; only place i know of bres their own on the premises and it is fantastic! it'll be worth their trip...)

good luck, s'all i can say...

14:17 / 27.07.05

For years, when it came to birthdays and Christmas my mum asked me what I wanted and I provided an extensive list. I think this dates from my student days, when I would effectively send her my reading lists for the next year and thereby use the receiving of presents to cut down on my expenses.

We still do it, though, within my family. I suppose it is a bit vulgar really. Maybe we're just common.

(I hasten to add that no present-giver is ever bound by these lists; they are but suggestions.)

14:27 / 27.07.05

And don't you think this is your own insecurity talking? I doubt they'd give a crap if you only bought two champagne flutes and other poor people would realise that only two had gone and they could buy two more in a jolly, jolly way.

Nina, you may be partly right here....but it was the indifference to the list shown by the groom that really got on my wick. I mean, if your mother-in-law prepares it because you can't be bothered, no wonder people are going to feel put upon. Having said that, it was a big wedding at an expensibe venue and quite a good do....just a pity they fucked up our special dietary requirements!

14:31 / 27.07.05

Well, see, I think that's different doozyfloop - it makes sense to say what you want to your Mum. But wedding lists, at specific shops - I dunno. I think the shops have come up with a blinder of a marketing tool and people have just accepted it as normal - it wasn't like that years ago.
In the past (yes, I sound ancient here), people would phone your Mum and she's say, well, they need a toaster or they need green towels. But she didn't say they want toaster reference xyz from John Lewis. I think there's a big difference there.

14:32 / 27.07.05

Astrojax - it's David Jones. You'd think they'd be a bit more organised. Ariadne had actually emailed them separately to ask about them sourcing something for us but it fizzled out. What happened to custimer service?

I have succeeded in finding a British shop in Sydney but they don't seem to stock booze. I've emailed them to check.

And I'm not particularly against wedding lists. Like many people, I'm not enraptured by the idea but I see why people do it. I wouldn't do it myself but then were I to get married it would likely be a small affair that wouldn't necessitate having its costs affrayed with pressies. Besides, the only thing on it would be books and CDs really. And £1000 bikes for Ariadne.

14:34 / 27.07.05

A wedding isn't actually a party though, or at least not much of one. You have to get dressed up in bizarre and uncomfortable costumes. You have to go to peculiar and frequently remote parts of the world at odd times of the day, often costing you large sums in tickets and hotel bills. In most cases you go to a church, for heaven's sake, where you are bored silly with ritual and homily. You stand around for ages trying to get hold of drinks while pictures and things are taken before anything even slightly approaching a party occurs, and you're likely to be herded around and seated according to the designs of some obsessed relative. And the music is almost always crap. If somebody invited me to a party like that without a marriage being involved I'd tell them to work on their plans a bit.

You should go to a wedding because you want to do it for somebody you think is important, and you think they will appreciate it, rather than because you're after a fun time (although hopefully you will have a fun time anyway). You should give them stuff because you like them and you want to congratulate them; it's not about compensating them.

I'd probably put up a wedding list for the few traditionally-minded relatives I have who would expect things to be done in the proper fashion, but for everyone else I'd make it quite clear that if they wanted to get us something they should just buy something they thought we'd like.

14:43 / 27.07.05

am I being overly English in thinking that there's something ball-tighteningly presumptuous and vulgar about the whole thing?

I don't think so - I'm all about purchasing cards and gifts for events, including card company manufactured holidays, but I still managed to feel very uncomfortable about it. believe it or not, however, people come looking for that information, and find comfort in having a list from which to buy. I only got to four months pre-wedding, but people were already pushing me to register.

which is not to say that there's anything wrong with tossing over such a custom, only that we all know how effective it is to tell people "don't get me anything", and that its pretty tedious to take back 10 toasters.

Tryphena Absent

14:51 / 27.07.05

But dude, weddings are fun. You go to the church and have a whispered conversation about its architecture during the service, making sure to comment on the family of the couple as well. You hang out watching photos taken and judge the dresses with your cloth eyes. You critique the mode of transport from church/registry office to reception. Then you eat dinner, usually followed by an entire selection of cakes, which you have to eat super fast in order to get a slice of all of them (except the one with passionfruit on top, which is always vile). If you're like me you just take a slice of each back to the table and ride the shame (I've been to a lot of weddings with buffets). At coffee time you should be sick of the seating plan and move seats to be near someone who will actually argue with you for three hours about politics. And you get chocolate mints. Then invariably the disco starts and some barmy old guy dances with his grandchild and you wait an hour and then get on the dancefloor like a mad thing having overdone it a bit on the toast (unless you're a teetotaller, you see why the cake is so important to me, that sugar rush is vital).

The point is nothing to do with wedding lists and all about how great weddings are and presents are part of weddings. You have to pay for 7 slices of cake somehow.

14:51 / 27.07.05

How about a wedding list that was mostly wine, books, DVDs, and so forth? I'd love to buy gifts off a list like that. John Darnielle provides an Amazon wishlist thing (I think it's actually through alibris) for his birthday and I look forward to buying gifts from it.

Page: (1)2