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I have the world's dumbest cat for a pet.

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16:29 / 07.04.05

My cat's name is White Pepper. My four year old son named him. The cat is actually his cat, as I can't stand him (the cat, that is). I can't get rid of the cat either because he is my son's cat.

This cat has fallen from a fifteen foot high railing because he just had to walk along the two inch banister. Before actually falling though, he hung on to the mesh over my bed and swung from it like it was a chandelier at some out of control party.

Pepper never seems to take a hint. I don't like to cuddle with him as I am not terribly affectionate. Also because he can never, ever seem to clean his backside and tail properly. So, I push the cat away. He comes back. I push him away again. He comes back. I toss him. He comes back. I toss him across the room. He comes back. He just doesn't get it.

I have filled a bath full of water and this stupid cat is suicidly intrigued by it. he has tried so hard to play with the bath water he has fallen in, which ended up in frenzied panic. He kept sliding back in and when I tried to help him out, he scratched me.

He insists on sitting on your face while you sleep, well actually, just my face. I am sure he trying to kill me, or possibly himself too, as he winds himself through my legs while I am carrying heavy or heated objects, (like a pot of boiling water).

No matter what I am doing, he has to sit right in the middle of it.

After I have opened his can of food and served it to him, if I don't place it right under his nose he will still think I am foolin' with it and follow me around. As if I am going to eat it. He doesn't clue into the fact that it is on the floor about 4 feet away from him.

It is quite depressing that my cat is so dim. I am usually an avid cat person but this one is incapable of endearing me to it. He is white, and years ago I was told that white cats are dumb and I should avoid them. Which makes more sense if one considers my wardrobe consisting of little else other than black clothes. That was my contribution to stupid.

Anyway, am I the only one who has a stupid pet? Have others ever had a stupid pet?

Whisky Priestess

18:32 / 07.04.05

My cat, while not that stupid, has a few bloody irritating habits:

1) Cat hairs on everything. This cat sheds like a shedful of sheds. Woven from cat hair.

2) Drooling. Cat comes up, sits on you, purrs as it is stroked. Then you feel a wet trail dribbling down your arm or soaking into your lap. Yuck.

3) Total Personality Reversal. Lies there, all cute cute cuddle me. You go to stroke her and wham! you're lucky if you've still got your hand.

19:00 / 07.04.05

mine do the foot weaving thing - in fact, I think almost all cats who enjoy the company of their people do that.

my cats are terribly clumsy. the one, lizzie, is very excitable and will run around like a maniac for a long period of time for no apparent reason. during this rampage she is known to run into walls or doors and other stationary objects, or to fall off of furniture or down steps. she's never injured herself, but it's still kind of pathetic. funny, but pathetic. she also acts aggressively towards my pet rats, though they're each as big as her head and could easily chomp a good chunk out of her paw if they so chose. however, she leaves the much smaller hamster alone.

and as he slept, she also quite enjoyed sitting on the face of my ex, who did not appreciate her affections in the least.

19:13 / 07.04.05

Fuck cats. Get a dog.

20:02 / 07.04.05

I want a dog, but I really do not want a dumb pet. I used to date a guy whose parents had the smartest dog ever (springer spaniel, for the record) - we were staying at their house for a month or so and there was a little problem with the dog barking when we came home from the bar, waking the parents up. The parents threatened to not let us go out, or else not come home at all... so next time we went out, my ex explained to the dog that we were going out for a while, and when we came home he was not to bark. I swear to God, it totally worked. I don't know how. But the dog not only understood, he actually remembered his instructions for the four or five hours we were gone!

20:03 / 07.04.05

Dogs are truly amazing. Cats...well, they're best used for bait while shark fishing.

20:25 / 07.04.05

Keggers, don't you have a cat? Hmm, in fact you do.

Traitor.

While I very much do like dogs, I prefer medium to large size dogs. My favourites are Boxers and Weimaraners. My home is not suitable for dogs like that, so I can't have one.

I cannot stand yappy little dogs that are so fashionable to use nowadays as a purse...or accessory, whatever. Eww.

21:56 / 07.04.05

remember, no room is too small to swing a cat...

22:08 / 07.04.05

Fuck cats. Get a dog.

But cat's asses are so tiny. You'd need to have a Jamie Theakston pencil-dick to do that. Getting a dog is a good alternative, for the confirmed bestialist, but with a big dog you have to be careful it's in the mood.

22:47 / 07.04.05

Strix;

Your cat sounds like a bit of a troubled teenager, not so sure where he/she stands in relation to the family dynamic, hence her/his repeated attempts to murder you.

I'd recommend drugs - the beast will be a whole lot easier to live with if you get it used to a regular dose of cat-nip ( or 'kitty-crack' if you'd rather, available from any good pet shop, this because cats in general don't seem to 'jones' ) which you can withold at your leisure, if he/she starts acting up.

More seriously, if the cat's on tinned meals at the moment, try switching his/her dinner to biscuits, Go-Kat etc, or N Atlantic equivalent. What goes into cans of cat food these days doesn't really bear thinking about, but the dry version seems a bit less rough, in terms of how the consumer reacts.

If you've already done all that, just sling it - the cat, let's face it, would do the same to you.

22:58 / 07.04.05

My cat just non-chalantly knocked over a bowlful of jellybeans. Just like - Oh, I wonder what will happen if I do this...

Alex, I have actually drugged my cat. I had to for moving purposes as this cat is a freak.

I really think my cat would look better as a pair of gloves.

23:00 / 07.04.05

BTW, Bitchiekittie, your cats look lovely and certainly more intelligent than mine.

23:25 / 07.04.05

Well as a last ditch resort Strix, I'd still feed the thing some cat-nip, were I you - Not to put myself in the same ballpark or anything, but I spent ages being surly and uncommunicative in the corner of night clubs until someone gave me an 'E,' and now everything's different.

You owe it to the cat to give it the same opportunity - that stuff they hand out in the vets is just drugs of control, dammnit.

Less searchable M0rd4nt

23:29 / 07.04.05

You've got to be a bit careful of cats + drugs. I could tell you some stories...

00:13 / 08.04.05

They were drugs specifically prescribed for cats, Mordant. I am not a twit. Oh my.

Someone once told me (long ago) about a time when they gave some LSD to their cat. Apparently it literally ran around the room, right along the walls and then collapsed into it's demise.

Stupid humans.

01:20 / 08.04.05

I'm a member of a list of animal welfare organisations as long as anyone's arm, possibly longer, and I'm not saying for a second that giving the cat acid is the best way forward - That'd arguably create just as many problems as it solved, I suppose.

I was really only on about cat-nip.

But I've not ( to the extent that you ever can, ) 'owned' a cat in a couple of years now - the last one was called 'Snuggly Willow Bunnykins,' who almost tore the face off that guy in charge of that car who almost drove us into that ditch in Middlesborough, too near the motorway to get away clean, y'know ? I had to deal with the necessary ( 'Leave nothing living,' and all that ) and then the cat drove us home. In a hail of bullets.

The point is, SWB could still drive a car.

That apocryphal tale aside though, Mordant, as a cat person, where do you stand on the 'nip in general ?

Solitaire Rose as Tom Servo

03:40 / 08.04.05

My cat is actually far smarter than I am. She sleeps whenever she feels like it, doesn't work, and pays very little attention to world events.

How can ANYONE say that an animal that does that is stupid?

06:08 / 08.04.05

has anyone else ever wrapped paper round the midriff of a cat - just loosely - and watched it wobble about, unco-ordinated, stumbling as if drunk? fascinating! apparently something to do with knocking out their balance mechanism somehow...

did i mention no room is too small...?

that said, some dogs are none too bright, bless their l'il pink tongues.

i remember house-sitting for some now very good friends some years back (knew them less well back then...) and their then 16 month old dog - a water dog whose breed name escapes me, a setter of sorts - was soooo excited to see me one night a little after dark that it bolted round and round the back garden it knew well til CRACK! it ran head first at speed into the brick wall at the back of the house... not just clipped it due to a slight misjudgement, no. hit it about three feet off track!

i thought it would be dead, but molly lives on. she bounded back up to me, tongue out, a 'where's my food' look in her eye. i always thought molly was dumb - mebbe this collision did it; though it's owner is mortified at any suggestion i make her dog is a few roos short in the top paddock. bless her l'il pink tongue...

lonely as a cloud...

06:49 / 08.04.05

I quite like cats myself, although the only pets I've ever owned are budgerigars.
My ex's family had a lot of pets - although they were all fairly functional. Two labradors, who were gun dogs, and four cats, who were there to keep rats and mice away. And two horses. Anyway, the older labrador was a golden lab called Fionn, and the randiest mutt you've ever seen. Having been trained out of humping peoples legs and the other dog (a "fixed" black lab bitch named Xsara) by application of the boot, he turned his affections towards one of the cats, Mulder (so called because he looked like something from the X-Files) - a tom. It was quite sad... Mulder would yeowl pitifully, but Fionn couldn't be called off, and nobody would try and rescue Mulder 'cos he was covered in dog spunk. Nasty.

08:45 / 08.04.05

There are a lot of dumb things that cats do, one; is to believe if your head is under something you can't be seen dispite one fat moggy bum sticking up in the air. two; walking along the edge of a bath and getting unbelieveably peeved when you fall in (not to mention scratching the heck out of your poor owner who was sitting in it). three; there is a reason humans drink out of cups and mugs it is to stop you from sticking your nose in it.

Whisky Priestess

09:32 / 08.04.05

I am going to go home and try that paper thing as soon as I possibly can. Would kitchen towel work?

11:02 / 08.04.05

There's a video of some Japanese guy doing this with masking tape, which is better. If you put a strip of masking tape along a cat, it bends away from the side that the tape is on but carries on walking as if nothing's happened. If you put it on its back, it bends downwards and looks utterly ridiculous, but again appears not to notice. I imagine it's some sort of reflex that evolved to keep the cat out of trouble in confined spaces.

Like I said, the cat doesn't seem to care in the slightest, but you need to use a very light tape and not put it on too hard otherwise it will annoy it coming off.

11:06 / 08.04.05

I also feel sorry for Strix's cat, which just seems to be doing a lot of cat things.

11:09 / 08.04.05

I think this also works with a banana peel draped over the cat's back, though I have not put this to the test.

My parents have had a succession of setters, both English and Irish, and they are staggeringly stupid (though incredibly beautiful) dogs. I have one example of pet/owner stupidity that I may have mentioned here before. With one of our dogs, a bitch, my mother could not bear to confine it when it was in season and dripping blood. To save the carpets she would put the dog in a pair of Y-Fronts, backwards so that its tail would go through the Y hole. One morning I let the dog out into the garden forgetting to take its pants off. Needless to say, it came trotting back into the house a short while later with a turd bouncing between its legs. Actually, it's rather unfair of me to suggest that a dog is stupid for failing to realise that it is soiling a pair of Y front. This is an example of 100% owner stupidity.

11:30 / 08.04.05

I read that cats won't move at all if you wrap something around them because they lose all confidence in their ability to judge distance. Years ago I tried it a couple of times on my cat by wrapping a tea towel around his middle and he would just sit right down and not move. Wouldn't make a sound or try and get the thing off. Just sat there until I removed it.

12:25 / 08.04.05

Nope, one year when we first got our black and white cat he was 'helping' us put up xmas decorations. After the goodness knows how many times of wrestling tinsel from his paws, I decided as he likes so much I would wrap it a round his body and legs. He could still move and wasn't too bothered up until we put a bauble on his tail..... then he was running in a circle trying to catch it.

Bandit will very happily wander around with stuff tied on him and to be honest he loves being carried in a plastic bag....tescos ones for ultimate purr factor.

14:04 / 08.04.05

I also feel sorry for Strix's cat, which just seems to be doing a lot of cat things.

I feel sorry for him too.

I have had other cats before; a beautiful black one named Puja, and a orange-pink one named Pharoh (I affectionately called him Pharie for short, which was rather cute since he was a gay cat, I am certain.) They were silly cats, sometimes, but had some sense about them not to endanger themselves, or if they were shooed away to actually leave. I am not really sure what is wrong with my current cat. I think I need to get another cat to teach him stuff and keep him company.

Oh yes, my cat also whines at the door, I am sure, from the moment I leave the flat, till I get back home. It is rather pathetic.

Our Lady Has Left the Building

14:45 / 08.04.05

cats are ninja, dogs are pirate but like, really dumb pirate who like go attack a ship but accidentally fire their cannon at self so everyone laughs and says "Ha! what dumb pirate!"

15:07 / 08.04.05

My cat is no ninja.

15:59 / 10.04.05

This thread has cheered me up no end. I do maintain that cats are the secret masters of the universe and that no matter how stupid an individual cat might appear it does not do to cross it. Much like that old wrongfooter, God, they move in mysterious ways.

18:32 / 10.04.05

So, when my cat started playing with the broken glass I had just dropped and swept into a little pile before putting it into dustpan and binning it...he was actually planning on how to overthrow the current Canadian government through scandalously revealling their moral incompetence?

Oooh, good job cat!

Lilly Nowhere Late

19:01 / 10.04.05

Strix, if you want your cat to leave you alone, make someone else feed it. It's only trying to impress you since you're the one who does the tin job. Soon as I taught my daughter how to feed the cat, I found peace from nearly the same dilema you describe above.

Balloons(uninflated) on cat's paws. Funniest thing ever!

Less searchable M0rd4nt

19:03 / 10.04.05

They were drugs specifically prescribed for cats, Mordant

Yeah, I'm familiar with the ol' moggy mogadon

. That was more of a general observation.

Cheap. Easy. Cruel.

17:19 / 11.04.05

Heh, I got a black bob-tailed kitten shortly before Thanksgiving last year. Between Christmas and New-years, my nephew put a nylon footie that had been left at the house over his head. Mr. Twopence proceeded to flip out in a most amusing fashion. He ran about, then did several flips, then staggered drunkenly about the room, mewling pitifully.

I tried the tape on the paws thing with him, and he was pretty smart about it. He flopped over onto his back and pulled the tape off with his mouth before going about his business.

I will have to try putting tape on his back.

Whisky Priestess

17:29 / 11.04.05

Are we a bunch of heartless bastards? You decide ...

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