Subcultural engagement for the 21st Century...
Barbelith is a new kind of community (find out more)...
You can login or register.

Underground > Conversation >

Things not to say at interview

Page: (1)2

13:19 / 03.03.05

Interviewer: So why do you want to work in my bar?
Me: Tom Cruise's performance in Cocktail really inspired me.

IRL I once told the interviewers I was easily distracted and work shy; to be fair though they gave me the job - they must have thought I was kidding.

13:34 / 03.03.05

Just in case you hear funny things about my behaviour at my last job, that photocopier led me on...

13:38 / 03.03.05

I once applied to be a receptionist and specifically mentioned that I was "not a numbers person." They hired me and put me in Accounts Payable. I'm pretty sure that on the day of my interview I missed fastening a particular button on my shirt.

Ex

14:01 / 03.03.05

I hear from the red-brace eighties school that you should tell the boss: "I want your job!".

I feel that if I tried to do this, I'd fudge the crucial self-confident wow-power delivery and mutter it at my feet: "I want your job - or maybe your cardigan... to stroke..."

14:40 / 03.03.05

There's free popcorn, right? 'Cause my last job had free popcorn and I guess it kind of spoiled me. But don't worry, it never interfered with my work ethic. Seriously though, you do have free popcorn?

15:12 / 03.03.05

"Keaton always said I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of him. Well I do believe in God, and the only thing I'm afraid of is being unemployed."

15:35 / 03.03.05

'I don't want your job - I want your boss's job so I could fire you and spread vile rumours about you so no-one will ever hire you again and your wife will leave you and you'll lose your house and have to live on the streets and you'll have to beg tramps to piss on you for money...'

its important that you don't pause for breath with saying the above...

15:41 / 03.03.05

Interviewer: "What would you say is your worst character flaw?"
Me: "I don't have much patience with stupid people."
*pause*
Interviewer: "Well, at least you're honest."

(Yes, this actually happened. Ironic, no?)

18:13 / 03.03.05

I recently sat on an interviewing panel, for the first time.

Tip for budding psychiatrists: when recounting tales of patients who've inspired you, do not refer to them as "inmates"...

08:44 / 04.03.05

I once admitted in an interview that I tended to panic in stressful situations, after a question about fire safety. I got hired anyway, as the woman interviewing me was leaving in 2 days and frankly didn't really give a flying Shatner.
NB: No lives were lost.

ONLY NICE THINGS

08:51 / 04.03.05

I want your job. I've already got your wife. She's my girlfriend. I've been wearing your suits. She's been wearing your suits while I sexed her. Give me your shirt. Take off your shirt. I'm going to turn it into a noose.

Got the job.

(nb - strictly speaking, it is "I see myself in your job, after my sterling work has helped you to gain a promotion for your sure eye for a good worker and seemingly effortless ability to get the best out of your employees")

08:56 / 04.03.05

Don't tell them that you don't have any "hobbies" because you're 'not that sort of person'.
Turns out that the vast majority of people *are* that sort of person and look askance at those who say they're not.

09:52 / 04.03.05

When they ask the 'resolving conflict' question, don't say, "I've never come into conflict with anyone, ever". It doesn't make you look like a cheery chappie who gets on with everyone; it makes you look inhumanly passive and lacking in independent thought.

12:54 / 04.03.05

"Fuck off cunt"

Don't say that in an interview.

13:00 / 04.03.05

"Fuck off cunt"

Don't say that in an interview.

Unless you're auditioning for a role in an Irvine Welsh adaptation, in which case you might want to try a little harder, love.

13:04 / 04.03.05

Seriously, though, I recently sat on an interview panel and was astonished by the candidates' insbility to answer the questions asked of them. Questions that most of them *could* have answered had they actually listened to me rather than their nerves or their egos.

16:37 / 04.03.05

"Why did you apply for this job"

"I need the money"

they didn't like my honesty.

18:48 / 04.03.05

"Don't let this sexual tension affect your judgement"

It didn't

Whisky Priestess

21:25 / 04.03.05

Recent discussion with Flyboy indicates that "I'm a perfectionist" is tres passe when asked to name your flaws. Everyone sees through it these days, apparently.

Also "I want your job" is not ideal when you're applying to be an administrator and you're talking to the Head of Department. Overreaching, see? Again, found this out the hard way ...

22:49 / 04.03.05

"Don't let this sexual tension affect your judgement"

this also works for driving tests...

10:43 / 05.03.05

"don't question me and we'll get along fine."

15:09 / 05.03.05

"Unfortunately, my previous employer and I had a slight disagreement over the meaning of the term, 'delegate' . . ."

15:11 / 05.03.05

"Pull my finger"

02:57 / 17.05.06

"So what are your hobbies?"

"Uh. Um. Ah. Uh. Pass?"

"Okay. So what do you do in your spare time?"

[sweating. nervous. panicking]

"Uh."

"Do you do anything when you're not working?"

[blurts out:]
"I attach car batteries to my nipples!"

"Oh. I see. Well. You've got the job."

Bard: One-Man Humaton Hoedown

05:54 / 17.05.06

Anthony Bourdain in Kitchen Confidential tells of the time some big restaraunt in New York had him in for an interview. He named his salary at 150 grand, they nodded. Then they asked him a question he felt came right of left field:

"What do you know about me?"

Bourdain paused, and tried to figure out what the owner was expecting him to say. Did the owner want Bourdain to tell the man that he know about his journies across Europe, about the guy's humble beginnings? So Bourdain decided honesty was the best policy.

"Nothing."

They nodded, stood up, shook his hand, and said they'd call him.

It was only walking out that he realized that he hadn't heard things right. The question they had actually asked this highly trained executive chef was:

"What do you know about meat?"

07:14 / 17.05.06

"What are your credentials?"

"In your mind you have capacities you know
to telepath messages through the vast unknown."

"Excuse me?!"

"We’ve been observing your earth
and one night we’ll make a contact with you."

"???"

"We are your friends."

The Natural Way

07:26 / 17.05.06

I'm a perfectionist

Hmm, I'm not sure it does come off that badly. It depends with how much conviction you say it. A friend of mine and Quantum's said it at an interview recently, and from him it must've sounded like a bloody challenge.

07:55 / 17.05.06

punce, I think it really does come across badly as everyone has heard of this - brilliantly done in trainspotting by spud - the best answer to give to a question about your negative qualities is to say that you could say you were a perfectionist or liked to run before you could walk but that you both know that would be an interview answer. Tell them an issue which has (supposedly) come up in past appraisals and which has positive qualities for the job you're after.

Jawsus-son Starship

08:13 / 17.05.06

In the film Way of the Gun Benecio Del Toro is in an interview to become a sperm donner, and is asked;

"What do you think makes you qualified"

"I've never killed a man."
"I beg your pardon?"
"I said I never killed a man."
"I didn't ask if you had."
"You asked why I thought I was qualified, I think of that as qualification."
"And I'm just wondering why that in particular strikes you as an important qualification for semen donation."
"I would say thats a big fucking qualification - excuse me, a very important qualification."
"No one's ever said that before."
"Have you ever asked?"
"No. "
"You should."

Of course, for it to really work you need to be as enegmatic as Del Torro. Or you could just go down the Simpsons path of;

"When do we get the frickin' guns!!!"
"Hey, I've told you, you don't get your gun until I get your name."
"I've had it up to here with your "rules"!"

Either or.

09:21 / 17.05.06

to become a sperm donner

Is that when they've run out of chili sauce and just improvise with what comes to hand?

09:26 / 17.05.06

Donner is also german for thunder.

09:27 / 17.05.06

I actually said that on a interview:

"Is there any questions you'd like to make?"

"Uh, yeah. What would I be supposed to do if I get hired? Because, to be honest, I have no idea what my job would be if I get the job"

It was a shity job, anyway

09:32 / 17.05.06

Some people can get away with the Perfectionist line, trust me.

Nobody can get away with "Well, it's obviously a doss innit" when asked why they want the job. Ditto "It's an ideal filler McJob until I find something better" or "The jobcentre made me come."

09:46 / 17.05.06

I really, really love it at the end of the interview when they ask if you have any questions- I always always turn the tables with this sort of thing-

"What is the most difficult aspect of your job?"
"Where do you see this company in five years time?"
"What assurances can you give me that your equal opportunities policy will be rigorously upheld?"
"Why did the last person leave this job?"
"What was your gross turnover last financial year if you don't mind me asking?"

This one time I applied for a job and they asked me in the interview about equal opps. I said I was trained in all recent legislation, familiar with the Disability Discrimination act, had worked in many places where EO was of huge importance, familiar with the issues concerned etc. and they sort of looked at me, waiting. Then the man said (and this is completely true) But you agree with it? which kind of threw me. "Yes? Of course?" I replied, and they ticked a box with an expression of relief, obviously thinking 'Phew, not racist' or something. WTF? Do I look like a nazi when I wear a suit?
I decided not to take that job...

Regrettable Juvenilia

10:05 / 17.05.06

Bard - re: the Bourdain story - at the time of my university interview I was afflicted with a minor hearing problem. I had been told beforehand that the interview would be wide-ranging and include both academic discussion of the subject I intended to study (English Lit), and questions about myself, why I wanted to attend the college, possibly even what my other options/preferences for further education were, etc. Nevertheless I was surprised by how quickly my future tutor moved from a discussion of Hamlet's motivations and character into a question about what other universities I had visited when deciding where to apply.

"What universities have you been to?", I heard.

"Hull", I replied, "I had a look round there, it's quite nice -"

The correct answer was of course "Wittenberg".

Page: (1)2