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well, my first post here, and I thought this was the place to do it as this subject is something I have been reflecting on of late.
ever since I discovered how music could make me feel, I have wanted to do something somehow involved in the music industry.
I'm not sure I've been derailed as yet, but certainly I lost my way for a long time, found it again, lost it again, found it again and now feel I am on the verge of losing it...again.
when I was younger, I took piano lessons (never stuck) and guitar lessons (did much better there.) When I had made enough friends to do so (I was becoming shy as I became older, which sucked because I remember my really young self as quite outgoing) and felt I was skilled enough, I started playing in a band.
I think that's the first thing that went wrong. Band politics and emotions turned me off the idea of being in a band after that. I didn't have the money to kit out my own little studio and play all the intruments myself (plus I couldn't, and still can't, sing in tune,) so I kinda pushed music back to become a hobby. sometime around then I finished school and had to make a choice of what to do with my life now that it seemed I wasn't going to be a rock star (or even an earning musician.)
It never occurred to me to study sound engineering, or become a session musician. I don't know for sure, but I suspect I had listened a little too much to people saying that music was no way to earn a living and I should have a backup career planned. I worry about things too much. Once doubt about something sets in, it tends to be what destroys me. So I took a safe option. I continued to play guitar as a hobby, and was told I was good at it, but didn't take it as seriously.
At university, and after, I really learned how to party. Making friends and going out became my life. A positive in that I wasn't so shy anymore. Negative in that music slid further and further back, until one day I gave away my guitar to a friend with no money, whose guitar was broken, and who clearly had the passion for playing I seemed to have lost. Never regretted that, either. He deserved that guitar.
Then computers, not long after, became quite capable of allowing me a "studio in a box" so that I now could write all the parts. I began to work at it again and was doing quite well, working toward the day when I would be able to pull off something worth putting out there for public consumption.
Now, however, I was also discovering how much more time work took than studying had. I had always thought those late nights studying ate up so much of my life, I had never realised what working really meant, how not only was it your 8 hours (or whatever,) but also travel time, overtime, time spent worrying about work problems when you're at home and should be relaxing.
So once again the music became less and less a feature. I was losing friends because I was always working or at home writing music, and turning down invites to do anything so I could focus on one of the other. I was becoming very introverted once again.
Twice now I have been retrenched, each time just a little money available to remain unemployed for a few months, and each time I have tried to focus on music. The first time worked incredibly. over 6 months I did more than I had in the past 3 years. I was on a roll. Until the money started to run out and I went back to work.
Now I am unemployed again, and attempting to do the same as last time. It's not working so well, due to some emotional issues relating to events last year making me feel more inclined to self-pity and general isolation. I'm working on that, however, and have even moved back towards the idea of actually doing music with another person instead of in complete isolation. I've also now got a guitar again and playing it for the first time in years.
My main problem now is finding it too easy to just be lazy and not do anything, to assume that it is too late (I am now 34) and that I may as well realise that music is never going to get me anywhere. I need to listen more to the voice that says "well, not with that attitude and lack of dedication, it won't, dumbass."
I still have those moments when music does its thing to me. It happens a lot, in fact. It even still happens when I make my own compositions, but all too often it isn't long lasting enough for me to finish anything, leaving me with many half-done pieces.
And then there are days such as recently where it all just works and something comes out which makes me think "of course you can do it, there's the evidence right there."
I never much wanted to be a famous musician, but it is the one thing I truly enjoy that could, with hard work and some luck, maybe be something from which I could earn a decent living. Assuming my friends aren't just being nice when they say I'm actually pretty good at it.
phew, hope that wasn't too long and rambling. I'll go back to my extended lurk now. |
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