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What ate YOUR life?

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Foust is SO authentic

19:32 / 11.11.04

I just haven't had that much fun with my first 24 years. I feel like I wasted much of my adolescence doing nothing; I haven't even sought out the opposite sex that much. Aside from being in my last year of a four year degree, i haven't accomplished anything.

So my plan? To change that in the next five years. I'm going to head overseas and teach English for at least a year, possibly three. I'm going to travel and write and then find myself a comfy grad school, then get a doctorate, then find a university desperate enough to have me.

That's the plan, anyways.

19:38 / 11.11.04

Seconded, Mice. Never would have guessed. Impressive!

Well, let me think. When I was small, say age four to seven, I wanted to be an entomologist (I liked bugs). Then from about eight to ten, I was interested in paleontology (I liked dinosaurs), then from eleven to twelve I wanted to run a riding stable and stud farm (I liked horses), and then decided to be a veterinarian (I liked animals). I never considered any career that didn't involve some form of zoology.

Then, oddly, I went to college and majored in English, partly because I hated math, and partly because I followed my (ex)boyfriend to a school with no pre-vet program. I was going to be a teacher, but I couldn't stand the extra classes, and teaching just started to look less and less appealing... So I landed on the other side of uni with a nearly useless B.A. degree and no professional training.

Various people have encouraged me at various times to write, draw, or play music for a living. While I enjoy and have some talent for these things, I don't want to turn them into my "work". I'm afraid that would instantly sap them of enjoyability, and I also have little interest in starving.

So here I am, working as an office manager and bookkeeper at an accounting firm, a job I've been planning to quit since six months after I started (almost five years ago now). This job, I notice, involves no animals, bugs or dinosaurs. Nor drawing, or even much writing. It is the utter poops.

But I have a plan! Hubby and I are going to save up money, and buy some land, and build a tiny little Utopia on it, and let people pay to come stay in it. We will have houseguests and throw parties for a living. We're good at parties.

And we'll have lots of animals.

Whisky Priestess

22:20 / 11.11.04

That sounds fucking brilliant. Will there be Barbelith discounts?

12:43 / 12.11.04

Funny you should mention that, WP, I was rather planning on it. I'll be sure to let everyone know when we get established. In point of fact, we're going to start looking at land in May of 2005, which is when we'll have all our debts paid off.

I'm quite serious about this, you see.

16:52 / 12.11.04

I think I'm really just not very good at giving up control, actually... or something like that.

I have this idea that I ought to live only as large a life as I can handle on my own --but of course, the help that I get from Radix is significant. But besides that, how self-limiting is this? I think that I could reconsider this, if I found the right reason.

One thing that I've been unusually specific about in my life is no kids. I think that I've always known that I'd never be able to live with that combination of unpredictable and, uh, sentient. I'm bad enough as a wife; but at least this is something between consenting adults.

But to be honest, I've been more visibly productive when my life was more unpredictable and involved more people. I produced plays, I performed monologues... but there was a point when I may have said that my art was eating my life. I think about somebody like James Joyce, and I think that this was somebody who fed his life to his art. I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't make that sacrifice... actually I'm positive that I wouldn't make that sacrifice, because I didn't. But then, clearly, the only choices aren't writing Finnegan's Wake or living the life of Babbitt...

Whisky Priestess

11:59 / 15.11.04

Speaking from my own experience, I've known a good few people who have expressed interest in or actually committed to some form of writing. One of these is now a professional writer with two well-received novels to his credit and a third on the way, but even he is far from a household name and certainly doesn't feel as though he's achieved the success he'd like. And although I am considerably less successful than I'd like, I'm still a way ahead of the others (who've wanted to write) in the game simply because I didn't give up.

I kept grimly plugging away and writing stories and plays and all that, I entered them for competitions and to magazines and publishers, I won stuff, I got things published and five years down the line I can point at quite a large pile of paper (mostly unpublished but there are at least seven proper books on my shelf that I have contributed to) and say "I made this". I know perfectly well that my too-long novel isn't doing much good propping the leg of the coffee table, but at least it's there, and I didn't have to take a year off work or sacrifice a relationship or a social life to write it. It ate the life of my mind for a bit, but it didn't swallow my actual life whole.

It is probably not entirely coincidental that I haven't held down a steady job during this time, and that my friends earn twice as much as me on a bad day, but I still feel the tug of doing the thing I want to do, and if sheer fucking keeping on will do it, I'm right there. I also feel as though if I were to devote as much energy as they clearly have to a similar job, that even if I were rolling in cash, coke and catamites, I would probably still feel like I'd failed. I'm quite lucky in that the thing that eats my spare time is also the thing I feel I could ultimately succeed at -

- so, basically, I'm not sure if I'm a mug or a trooper, but I'm sure there are other people in the same boat. And it all changes if one of my high-flying busy-bunny friends gets a six-figure deal for their NaNoWriMo novel. But at least I'll get invited to the launch party.

12:09 / 15.11.04

I have a *horrible* addition to this thread, but I have to run right now. I'll be back--

Goodness Gracious Meme

12:37 / 15.11.04

Hmm. Have been thinking about this one for a while.

What ate my life? Trying to fulfill ingrained/external expectations of the kind of job/lifestyle I should be having.

It's still there, to an extent but a long enforced break from work has done much to get me pointed in better directions/rid me of this.

And I'm in the last stages of this, I think. Realising finally and slowly, that though it means being probably being poor and financially unstable for ever/for a long time to come, I'm heading in the right direction.

I don't have to support anyone (yet - though I do worry about parents, who are getting on a bit and skint) so it doesn't harm *anyone* if I never have a 'proper job' again.

(p.j. meaning in this case, something professional/high-earning&status/full-time/comprehensible to parents. As opposed to something that I love, and have a talent for. )

It's quite a new revelation this, and it's both scary and freeing.

I realised this week that it's plausible at this point that I'll never do a poxy office job again.

Goodness Gracious Meme

12:48 / 15.11.04

And thanks, Whiskey, as this has been a v. interesting thread, and I also know many people who are doing the same kind of life, across many different fields/passions/vocations.

Actually seeing this pay off for several people in the last year or so, has been a real inspiration/prod to me.

They've stuck it out/hung on to be paid to do what they love, and now they've been rewarded for their persistence.

Goodness Gracious Meme

12:56 / 15.11.04

I also feel as though if I were to devote as much energy as they clearly have to a similar job, that even if I were rolling in cash, coke and catamites, I would probably still feel like I'd failed.

Yeah, me too. Being skint is tiring and pretty tedious(ie it's my major source of stress), but I get to do things I'm passionate about.

I've done the reverse and I was utterly miserable, even though I do really like stuff and coke/catamites etc.

And if I keep on this path, I will eventually probably have a liveable income from doing the thing(s) I love.

17:24 / 17.11.04

This weekend I heard the horrific news that a classmate of mine had killed herself. (I'm leaving out her name because I don't want this post popping up on a google search.)

We weren't friends, we were in the same year & in the same college. And we were both Asian & our names rhymed, and now and again I'd be asked if I was her. I have no idea if she was ever asked if she was me. I slightly doubt it, because she was the better version ...of us, I guess. Though the only "us" was in my own mind, probably.

She was a journalism major (serious) & I was an advertising major (sell-out). She was tall and thin, a virtual stick figure --she was a student model, which I was too short for. Senior year she was on homecoming court --this wasn't a beauty or popularity contest at Illinois, this was a career-builder type of thing. She had it together like that. Like I didn't.

This was just a thin, thin thread that connected us. I didn't think about her all the time. The next time I heard her name was when her book was on the New York Times bestseller list --for, like, forever. I didn't read it. I was envious. I was already out of advertising and into my writer's block.

I know that she had a whole life that I never knew anything about. I would never draw any conclusions about her life. I know that her life wasn't about helping me figure out my life.

But god, you know? All this time I've sort of been carrying her picture around in the back of my mind, with a little neat label on the picture that said "success" ...and I'm not even saying that I'd change that label even now. It's just not as neat, I guess.

Whisky Priestess

14:51 / 02.03.06

So, newbies and oldbies, what's eating your life at the moment? Or what's your inspiring/tragic story of life-eating?

I'm glad to say that I remain as unemployable as ever, to the extent that I have gone back to being a student and am now doing an MA in Creative Writing at UEA in Norwich.

However, despite these vast new vistas of writing time which have opened up to me, I found myself (paradoxically) becoming lazier than usual and in the first term only managed to produce two short stories and the first chapter of a novel I probably now won't write. (I wrote a short play as well but that wasn't really within the remit of the course, which is prose fiction writing).

As January descended and I really needed to get a holiday job to pay for Christmas, I worked every day I wasn't in the classroom, stayed up in London (where distractions are limitless) and even though I was earning money and going out and having fun, I started to feel worse and worse because it wasn't what I was supposed to be doing. I was supposed to be using this year, this time out (and I got a bursary so I couldn't even claim desperate poverty and consequent need to work) - to write, dammit! I was supposed to be writing the rest of my novel (stuck on 10 chapters for a year). And I felt like absolute crap, so guilty and wretched, that I wasn't doing that.

So I decided to stay in Norwich from Tuesday to Friday or Saturday and work (i.e. write) on at least two of my evenings down there - one night for short fiction, one night for the novel - and do all my academic stuff - essays and criticisms etc. - duirng the day.

And bloody hell, no wonder the course has a good reputation - for as I have discovered, if you are stuck in Norwich for a year on a student "income", with precious little to do and no money to do it with, you are pretty much forced to write just to entertain yourself. Those cunning bastards ...

But I feel a million times better that I'm back on track. Writing's eating (or at least snacking healthily on) my life - yay! Wrote another play under the new regime too.

00:41 / 03.03.06

Barbelih is eating my life. I do not know how people can post as much as they do with jobs. You must not any of you do any work.

Buffy also ate my life and I am horribly cross about this. I never wanted to watch Buffy, I knew I would have to keep it up. Someone made me watch the Glory episode and then I was hooked. Luckily it was near the end so now, as of today, I have reclaimed my life.

I hope.

Mostly Barbelith takes up my time. Lots of my time. I don't know whether this is good or bad.

Bubblegum Death

02:03 / 03.03.06

I was going to have a job in Japan; working for the State Department. Instead, I dropped out; got married, had a kid, got divorced, and now have a low-paying job in my hometown.

Bubblegum Death

02:07 / 03.03.06

No regrets, though. Just a desire to get back on track.

02:14 / 03.03.06

Mostly Barbelith and work at the moment. I don't even post very often. There's far too much to read and absorb at the moment, never mind having an actual worthwhile contribution.

Workwise, well, I'm in the area I want to be in (theatre sound) but not doing the creative stuff I ought/want to be. It's been ages since I designed a show, but I have to take the jobs with decent money, as they come, which leaves less time to find the ones I'd rather be doing. Right now, operating Hamlet eight times a week is pretty soul-destroying (it's rather long, not very busy soundwise and not challenging to me) - about the only thing that gets me through is having a sketchbook with me. And that's the other ambition/intention that's been lost in time (drawing comics). One day I'll do one, if only for myself. Same goes for my guitar and software that I need to learn properly and make some music. There's always tomorrow... I've got time, though, I mean I'm still (only just) in my twenties...

Apart from the career I'm already persuing (to whatever degree of success), my other creative needs are just for personal satisfaction, really, but I'd hate to think that I'll never realize any of them because I was too busy watching DVDs or whatever. I'll let you know in 30 years or so...

02:57 / 03.03.06

A Pulitzer?

Man, I miss all the good compliments.

It's a cross between family life and cyberslacking that's interfering with my potential, I suppose. I underearn because I love having a job that affords me slack -- I write vaguely creatively, but only vaguely so.

03:44 / 03.03.06

that's the most creative version of 'vaguely' i've ever witnessed, grant

i was trying to write a booker [or nobel, i hadn't decided] winning novel, but then the circumstances of my life kinda changed and the whole story i was basing it on metamorophilaterised into a different stream altogether that meant i lost my partner of near ten years and two great friends - one of whom i kinda fell in sorta love/lust/infatuation with which resulted in such a mess - and nearly committed suicide, changed houses, lost money, now have to restore broken social networks, stopped being in a band - other friend was her husband and my band's drummer, hrmph - and all the while kept up a relentless pace at work as the only thing keeping me sane.

so the novel is coming along ever so slowly and is much harder now the plot of my life no longer reflects the plot of the catharsis, err book... and now i have a new romance in my life and it is all gooey and soft and yum and makes me wanna cry, so it can be hard to see the page to write straight...

good thread (and bump) whiskey...

sooooo, life ate my life! and i'm real mad at it. grrrrrrr

12:01 / 03.03.06

I rather envy you people with an all-consuming passion that has eaten up your life for it is something I may have once had but have now lost.

When I was a kid, say from age 7 to 17, I used to draw all the time. I always came top in art at school and always thought I'd do something vaguely artistic to earn a living once I'd overcome some of the more childish urges (I wanna be an astronaut - sorry you must be an American citizen; I wanna be a pilot - sorry both your eyes must look at the same thing). My last year of school I was more or less coerced into studying architecture. It sounded like a great profession and was "vaguely artistic". However, it soon dawned it me at university that an architect is often judged on the one key skill I'd never shown: originality. Every piece of "art" I'd produced while growing up was either a rip-off or a copy of something else and I was soon found out when trying to design buildings. Still, I persevered with and finished the degree as it was infused with so much interesting stuff I thought might be useful - but I have never practiced as an architect (and not drawn or painted a picture since leaving university 14 years ago). My current job (I'm essentially a property valuer) gives me a sense of profession and decent amount of money but it certainly ain't a passion. I wish I could view it as a means to an end, to enable me to achieve something original but I seem to have lost the spark...

All you lot toiling away on books (which may or may not be published), or making art (possibly for buttons), or sacrificing big money to work for a charity you care about - I really admire you, for your dedication, for your sense of purpose. I envy you.

12:21 / 03.03.06

I have some advice for the poster named "XXII:X:II = XXX", but since his posts are two years old I have no idea if he's still around to read it.

12:35 / 03.03.06

Em, well, life ate my life, as it were. I've managed to find work I enjoy, people I like being with, hobbies that are fun and take up my spare time - and dreams of writing a great book etc have just sort of fallen away.

Which could sound sad but I mean it in a good way. I'm not hankering after what could have been - I'm living my life and enjoying it and I'm happy with who I am.

ONLY NICE THINGS

12:46 / 03.03.06

Cameron: XXXetceXtra has just returned to the board - formerly he was Vladimir J Baptiste. If the advice is "Marvel would never have gone for a sadomasochist Julie Power", however, I fear it may be too late.

Whisky Priestess

13:23 / 03.03.06

You must not any of you do any work

HA! How right you are ... I'm posting from work at the moment. On the plus side, though, I don't feel guilty because the only jobs I'll have this year are short-term temping positions during the holidays. Plus when I'm on a reception desk answering hundreds of calls a day, Barbelith's the only reliable way I have found of keeping myself sane ...

20:26 / 03.03.06

I am 23, and (am young, full of hope, and possibly shit) have made a promise to myself that I will only work jobs that further my education towards my ultimate goal of being a political powerhouse.

Elijah, Freelance Rabbi

20:49 / 03.03.06

I finished high school when I was 15. I was born outside of the USA but grew up here. Unfortunately my mother never mention to the US government that she had a kid, so although I was qualified to start at a university I had no social security number in either the USA or the country of my birth.

With nothing else to do I began working under the table jobs, and have been working full time (with a few short stoppages) since I was 15. When I turned 18 I finally got US citizenship so I could go to school and get the freebie lottery scholorship this state offers.

I think the moment I realized that I had gone from being a fairly bright teenager to a below average adult in academia was when I felt my life fall out from underneath me.

21:29 / 03.03.06

Actually, my childhood and teenage years kinda sucked, so life is just getting better at each passing years. After years juggling from one college to another, I'm finally got my act together asn am starting a career.

But, still,that feeling of I should be doing more just won't go away.

I did published my first book five years ago, only to find out I'm not satisfied with bein a "published writer", I want to be a "successful writer". I want to make a living out of it.

Still trying, still writing. Let's go!

22:37 / 03.03.06

I want to be a performer. And shyness is eating me. Or rather, shyness of performing alone; which is completely different to self-doubt. Oh yes. I'll keep telling myself that as I contemplate pulling out of performing tomorrow night (alone) by saying that I've been snowed in. Which may be true... but I doubt it. I'm quite sure that had I been performing with someone else, the snow would have held off.

00:14 / 04.03.06

Don't back off, Gingerbop! You'll feel terrible the next day if you do, as opposed to so much better if you just head on out there and faced them down, the audience. Who are almost certain to be impressed in any case.

Good luck!

00:25 / 04.03.06

If you don't go, you'll never know. And that's a soulkiller.

00:41 / 04.03.06

I'm feeling physically sick at the prospect of it. I'm missing a fairly important rehearsal of a play I'm doing if I do it. And I don't actually want to. It's an act I haven't even looked at for a month (although it's all of about 2 minutes). All in all, it's looking much cosier to have a hideous accident on the journey down south.

Goodness Gracious Meme

01:34 / 04.03.06

actually, and annoyingly (employing Great British Understatement for once in my life) what's eating my life is the bullshit that I'm being a Grown-up about and trying to deal with.

Have bags of exciting things that I'm doing, which is very cool, but which I'm not able to do as well or as much as I want to.

Which is down to my really sensible decision to try to work through the Big Scary Stuff.

Which is great, because I know I'm doing the right thing.

But also really fucking sucks, becasue I am at the point where I could possibly squash it down and go be a Big Success.

But I keep plugging away at sorting myself out, which in big life/career terms means zip.

And blah blah yeah it means that when I sort it, I will be big and uber and impressive, but leaves me feeling like a big waste of space in the meantime.

But hey, I am knitting again. %go me%

06:24 / 04.03.06

My job is eating my life at the moment. To the extent that I feel bad because I'm not going to spend all of this Sunday working, 'cos I'm working. But, luckily, I quite enjoy it.

Actually, I'm lying. Out of the x hours I've spent in front a computer recently, I'm sure the majority of them have been spent looking at Barbelith - so it's you. You are eating my life.

And Gingerbop, I don't know if it's any help, but my job was until recently, bringing out all kinds of irrational fears in me. I've found it gets better, and it's never been as bad as my pre-imagings made it.

07:26 / 04.03.06

Worrying ate my life. I am, by nature, prone to getting anxious about stuff and it has been such a waste of so much time. It has contributed to so many unnecessarily tense and unhappy times. All the worrying never changed a thing and the really problematic stuff I never saw coming.

Hash ate my life. I was a monumental hashhead for twenty years. When I wasn't at work, I was stoned. Thank fuck I don't smoke any more and I have my life back.

If I had been sharply focused on over-achieving since my teens, I would by now be the author of series of novels based on a place called The Valley of the Goths that I have mentally inhabited for years. It's great there. So, I'd have been the Tracey Emin of the Humorous, Literary end of Fantasy writing.

Or perhaps the Jos Stone of Newspaper columnists. I could have managed a weekly peroration, putting the world to rights, in some centre left rag. Like a cross between Armistead Maupin and Melanie Phillips, but Melanie Phillips with a brain and a heart.

Jos Stone is rubbish, btw. I think La Emin is the business though.

10:54 / 04.03.06

But hey, I am knitting again. %go me%

Knitting is the balm of the soul, young man. Pop round with a nice cuppa and I might show you my stitches.

11:39 / 04.03.06

gingerbob, you seem to be experienced a very common case of "stage fright". Such is the life of an actor, even Lawrence de Olivier had those from time to time

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