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Freedom in Relationships?

  
 
Tezcatlipoca
09:38 / 29.08.04
Not so much a regurgitation of Satre, but more a focus upon whether you believe relationships stifle personal freedoms, and, more poignantly, whether you consider that to a problem, either in your own case or hypothetically.

Obviously this is aimed at posters in relationships, and, the longer you've had your relationship, the more I'm interested in your opinion, but I'm eager to hear everyone's views.

For myself, I've been in a very stable relationship for over three years now, but it's that very stability that is - in some respects - beginning to irritate, not helped by the fact that a recent series of world travels have reminded me of the complete freedom available on my doorstep, if it weren't for the relationship.

So, where do you stand? Are you somebody who values their personal freedoms to the point of commitment-phobia, or are you, like myself, in a happy stable relationship, but also depressed by that which you're missing as a result?
 
 
Cat Chant
09:59 / 29.08.04
I know i sound like a complete cliche, but... can you define 'freedom'? Can you define 'relationship'? What is it in your relationship that stops you from being free to do what? I suspect not everyone on the board is going to organize the financial/cohabiting/sexual/parenting (etc) aspects of their primary relationship in the same way and I for one am not sure what you mean when you talk about "complete freedoms on your own doorstep".

I've been single, and in a relatively close and supportive network of friends, in the same city for five years, got together with my girlfriend eighteen months ago or so and she moved in four months ago. I'm watching with some interest the ways in which these shifts are disrupting the patterns of my previous arrangements. At the moment I seem to be finding, on the whole, more freedom in cohabiting - it's easier to arrange going to the movies or to something my regular friends might not be interested in (the ballet) without having to try and negotiate the whole interconnected web of relationships, plus conflicting shift patterns, varying interests and so on in the friendship group as a whole ("I want to go and see the NBT do Dangerous Liaisons. I know A would be interested, but ze's fighting with B, so should I just ask C? What if none of them can do the same night as me?"). I'm starting to profit from the fact that the couple is taken to be the normative social unit, in other words. Which I'm keeping an eye on, for obvious reasons.

Interesting thread. I'll think about it more, perhaps particularly after you define your terms a bit further.
 
 
Tezcatlipoca
09:07 / 30.08.04
Well, to further refine the crux of my point, what I'm curious to find out is whether other people - like myself - sometimes feel trapped in a relationship; and not necessarily because of the relationship itself, but more in respect of the things you could be doing but for the relationship.

To clarify that a bit, there are two major areas in which I'm interested; artistic freedom, and personal freedom.

To start with the former, I'm somebody who gets bored of things - including other human beings - pretty quickly. I paint, compose, and have had a fair bit of my writing published. As a bachelor, I enjoyed a pretty varied lifestyle, moving from place to place whilst working and trying to scrape together enough cash to keep my trousers from slipping. Now I have a stable, and chiefly happy, relationship to work from, but not one that really interests me hugely. In short, I feel to some degree that my choice - and it is important to remember that I'm in a relationship by free choice - has robbed me of the varied, and, by extension, creative, lifestyle I had.

To touch now on the latter, and slightly more philosophical, point of personal freedoms. This is far more simple, and really revolves around the statement that in becoming a couple you invariably sacrifice certain liberties, and the subsequent question of whether that troubles you. Does what you gain from a relationship outweigh the loss of freedom you had when single? To use the simple example you touched on, Deva, does it no longer bother you that - when wanting to go out to see the NBT do Dangerous Liaisons - you now have to factor in your partner? You no longer have the freedom to choose with whom you wish to go, or, arguably, to decide to go by yourself.

Admittedly a great deal of this is underlined by my concerns with time loss, but that's a topic for another day, and I want to keep this one on the relationships/freedom subject as much as possible. What I'm after here is your opinions on not whether you find your relationship sometimes stifling, as it's a pretty good bet that everybody does, but, rather, on whether that bothers you.
 
 
ONLY NICE THINGS
13:31 / 30.08.04
Deva, does it no longer bother you that - when wanting to go out to see the NBT do Dangerous Liaisons - you now have to factor in your partner? You no longer have the freedom to choose with whom you wish to go, or, arguably, to decide to go by yourself.

But she does, doesn't she? Her partner provides another option, and an easier one. However, there is no rule that partners have to do the same things, is there? There mau be a custom - I know people who are astonished that a friend and his wife go on holiday separately, but it does not prevent them from doing. He enjoys long walks, she enjoys reclining in the sun. They holiday with friends who share these interests... the fact that the couple is accepted as the normative social unit does not mean that it has to function as the social unit in every situation...
 
 
Tezcatlipoca
16:27 / 30.08.04
Agreed, but surely there is also the aspect that you have to - if only out of politeness - at least consider your partner's feelings with regards to doing separate things, and surely that very fact shackles your freedom to a degree? Of course you don't have to spend every minute together, and I doubt there are many relationships which would hold together for any appreciable length of time if you did, but I'd argue that you loose certain liberties by having to consider your partner.
 
 
Grey Area
17:13 / 30.08.04
Well, being in a serious relationship means you have to consider the long-term results of your actions, and weigh the possibilities of what could happen with the consequences for your partner and the relationship.

Case in point: In the near future I may have to leave my current location and take up employment elsewhere, for the simple reason that there is none of the kind of jobs I want to be had here. If I were on my own, I would have no problems...I'd leave at the drop of a hat. But I have to consider the consequences for my partner. Will ze find a job wherever I go? Is it fair for me to say we're uprooting and heading off into the wild unknown? I'd say these kind of considerations are the bane of a relationship because they lead directly to the musing about freedom that Tez mentions.

But on the other hand, I would say that these kind of musings reaffirm my relationship. After all, if I did not care for my partner and the relationship we have, I wouldn't spend so much time thinking about it. And no, I do not resent the fact that I have to consider it...I feel it is a sign that this is a serious relationship that will last. Eventually everyone has to grow up, and one of the things you have to accept as a bona-fide Grownup is that you can't have everything, and that you need to carefully consider some things in life, look before you leap, that kind of thing.

Do I feel trapped? No, I don't. I don't feel as free as I used to, granted, but I also do not consider my relationship a burden.
 
 
ONLY NICE THINGS
17:28 / 30.08.04
So, how do the obligations of having a partner, since they are negotiable (you don't have to go on holiday together, you don't have to stop sleeping with other people, you don't have to live together...) differ from the obligations of having a friend, or an employer? If partners have very different ideas about what freedoms they should expect, then they probably have either to compromise or to stop being partners.

So, you have a friend. You enjoy that friend's company, but you realise that, since that friend earns less or more than you, that your ideas of a good night out are different, or that the friend will tacitly expect you to pay for things. It's for you to work out whether that makes the friendship impossible for you to enjoy. Same with a partnership, presumably. *All* relationships between people involve having to think about how your actions affect the other party - somebody might just be a casual acquaintance, but you may still think it unfair in terms of that relationship to sleep with their wife...
 
 
Cat Chant
09:46 / 31.08.04
you have to - if only out of politeness - at least consider your partner's feelings with regards to doing separate things, and surely that very fact shackles your freedom to a degree

Hmm. This is a little taking-aback, to be honest: isn't your freedom conditioned by considering other people's feelings?

in becoming a couple you invariably sacrifice certain liberties, and the subsequent question of whether that troubles you. Does what you gain from a relationship outweigh the loss of freedom you had when single? To use the simple example you touched on, Deva, does it no longer bother you that - when wanting to go out to see the NBT do Dangerous Liaisons - you now have to factor in your partner? You no longer have the freedom to choose with whom you wish to go, or, arguably, to decide to go by yourself.

Well, I do have that freedom, as it happens; in fact, as I said above, I am more free because the friend of mine who most enjoys ballet is unemployed and would only come with me if we sat in the cheap gallery seats which (as Haus can attest, having gone to the National Theatre with me) terrify the living daylights out of me and make me miss the first twenty minutes. The thing with a relationship - and I'm a bit conflicted over this because I like to keep things as open and thought-through as possible, rather than obeying convention - is that you have someone whose routines, finances, and tastes are more likely to line up with yours than other people's, particularly when there's a group of friends to be taken into consideration, so decision-making is proportionally easier. In fact, I now find it generally easier to get out and about, because there's someone to remind me/motivate me to do things, so that it doesn't seem totally random to go "Oh, I fancy going for a walk on Almscliffe Crag today!" Someone to have a conversation with about this stuff, rather than thinking through all the pros and cons on my own and being too tired out from the thinking to get out of the door.

So... I suppose I don't find it very helpful to talk in generalities like "you invariably sacrifice certain liberties", because I don't think I do, and I don't know what liberties you feel you have to sacrifice, so I can't make any contribution about that, either. Do you see what I mean?
 
 
Cat Chant
09:50 / 31.08.04
Tez said:

You no longer have the freedom to choose with whom you wish to go, or, arguably, to decide to go by yourself.

And Haus replied:

But she does, doesn't she? Her partner provides another option, and an easier one.

Which is exactly it. Having a partner means I routinely have to factor fewer people's feelings (finances, routines, interests, tastes) into my decisions. It's kind of vile when you think about it that way.
 
 
Tryphena Absent
16:23 / 31.08.04
what I'm curious to find out is whether other people - like myself - sometimes feel trapped in a relationship; and not necessarily because of the relationship itself, but more in respect of the things you could be doing but for the relationship.

Yes, by nature I am a rather hedonistic person and that's been significantly limited but that's mostly my own problem. I confine myself because it's a part of me that cannot exercise itself adequately in any relationship... nothing to do with the other person, but very related to my own sense of freedom. I go out now and often feel trapped in certain behaviour patterns because I have to consider the emotions of someone else and it's getting better but I doubt it will ever go away entirely because I like to just do things without forethought or planning and just another person being around makes it difficult to just be as I am sometimes. Being temperamental means I often respond to things irritably- 'want to go and do this?' 'No!' 'Well how about...' 'I don't want to do anything. Leave me be. I want to go to a gallery' 'But we don't have time!' And the knowledge that alone there would be time but with two everything takes half an hour longer.

But then I think about all of the things I would have had to do alone- I don't particularly like going to the cinema alone and it's nice to have someone who will be dragged to see absolutely anything (as long as I'll be dragged too). And to talk to someone who gets why I feel irate about things I hear on the news and doesn't say 'shut up'. A relationship affords me a different type of freedom and it's not better or worse, it's just another type and if it goes well (and sometimes even if it doesn't) it's pretty much worth the trade. You just can't buy the knowledge of what's happening in someone else's psyche.

When I feel trapped I try to talk about it. I think, if you feel a little trapped your other might as well in a very similar way and it's quite good to talk about it since they may well be absolutely the only person who really understands it, if they understand you.
 
 
Professor Silly
05:52 / 23.09.04
First off--as a disclaimer--I'm a practicing magician. I realize this may make me "not the norm."

I've been married three years, and we lived together 4 years before that. To me the relationship gives me MORE freedom.

Freedom to interact with people (through work, my hobbies, or whatever) without having to think about how to seduce them. I can treat everyone in a more honest way because I'm not trying to get them into bed.

On a more mundane level, my relationship gives me more financial freedom. Because we pool our resources we can absorb unexpected expences more readily than if we were both single.

We all set our own limitations--and this is healthy. What I will in my life requires certain things, and these things make me more free. Someone else will have a different path in life, and will need their own set of things. Neither is better or worse in a larger sense.
 
 
Mr Tricks
22:54 / 23.09.04
hmmm... I've been "in a relationship" wih the same woman for 7 years now. We've been officially living together since March, though we had more than one trial run inbetween apts and would have plenty of sleep overs.

I don't think I'm any "less-free" than I once was. There are decisions that must be made and some of them are definately of the either or type. Still I'm keenly aware that those decisions are mine to make and the decision to remain involved in this relationship is one of them. It's a decision that IMO should be revisited often, at least once a year. From there I can look at how the decision to prioritize the efforts involved in maintaining the relationship have effected my life on a whole and that "year" in particular. To date I find myself "ahead" in that the primary decision (to prioritize the LTR) has allowed me to made subsiquent decisions (in this case regarding this abstract freedom) in a manor that has benefited both myself and the person with which I'm in a relationship. Thus "we've continued," if we reach a point where the reflection causes a realization that "something is missing" then that's when some sort of change in the routine dynamic must be contemplated.

Personally having two huge dogs is a bigger factor in how I view my personal freedom. My dog lives only because I honor the decision I made to have a dog (there was once a time I considered giving her up but couldn't just give-up on the decision I made when I picked her out of my brother's dog's litter), this has certainly cost me certain freedoms yet has enriched every aspect of my life.My life as it is now is a reflection of 8 years with a dog.

My girlfriend's dog is actually my dog's puppie and is an interesting case. He belongs to my GF and yet is as much mine (and my responsibility) and is still in a sence my dog's dog. Still we are all responsible for each other. Having dogs hasn't stopped us (my GF & I) from going to Burningman. It's just that decisions have to be made with a greater scope.

It's that decision making factor that brings me back to my initial point, an Long Term Relationship seems to free me from thinking just for/about myself and allows me to make decisions about my life from a broader perspective. For me, that other potential freedom is more of an illusion; one is just as free (or not) as they imagine themselves with-in or with out an LTR.

However, one's relationship to MONEY (amongst other factors; health, class, age, race?) may be a greater factor in how one expresses their personal freedom.
 
 
ibis the being
20:29 / 27.09.04
This is an interesting question, an interesting thread. I've been in my current relationship for just over a year. I don't feel restrictions on my freedom, don't feel trapped - on the contrary, I do more and have made bolder choices in life (s.a. changing careers) since getting involved with someone who supports and shares with me.

I think this may have to do with maturity level to a large extent, and please Tex don't take that as condescension. Perhaps, to be less presumptive and poke fun at myself instead, I should say it has to do becoming an old fogey.

When I was younger I used to sort of fly by the seat of my pants w/r/t relationships, letting crushes carry me willy-nilly into LTRs. This meant, despite my best intentions and efforts, I wasn't always (wasn't usually) paired with people who were good personality matches with me. In fact, I viewed the whole notion of a "good match" as dull and antiromantic. Therefore, I frequently felt limited and trapped in relationships, because I was "too messy" for this one, that one was "too thrifty," our tastes didn't align well in terms of food, music, entertainment, travel, whatever. I was never doing the things I wanted to do, or else I was dragging an unwilling participant along.

Ech. Then I was single. And I used this period of singlehood to exploit my freedom to the limits of my comfort zone and slightly beyond. I kissed whomever I wanted, I ate and drank what I wanted, I crashed here and there without reporting my whereabouts to anyone, ever. It was fun, or at least diverting, for a while. Just a little while though. I saw what near-total freedom could be, and I tasted it but didn't relish it.

When I next had the opportunity to get into a LTR, I dated, I measured the oh-so-unromantic compatibility factors between my suitors and I. And I chose carefully. Now I feel like I have a best friend and lover to do most things with, and if one of us just isn't into it (a friend's wedding, or say a dart tournament) the other doesn't come along, no big deal.

And lastly, it's a terrible cliche but often true - if you're continually reflecting on feeling "trapped" by your relationship, that might be a good sign that it's an ill fit.
 
 
the real anti christ
07:39 / 25.04.06
Thanks for all the experience guys. This has all been really helpful in evaluating my own relationships.
 
 
ONLY NICE THINGS
08:48 / 25.04.06
RAC, could you give us a little more? Presumably you have come to certain conclusions, or at least thought up certain questionsl, based on the discussion in this thread, yes?
 
 
one point, oh
11:59 / 25.04.06
To wander briefly into the metaphysical wastelands; the concept of freedom (in all of its loose definition), paradoxically, contains within it the freedom to relinquish your own freedoms. So does that sacrifice make you less free or does the ability to make that sacrifice make you freer? I suspect that freedom is by no means free.

I used to know (and still sometimes keep in touch with) a girl who really loved romance. It was all she ever talked about; meeting that boy and giving herself to him. To be honest I found her a little scary and I would always argue with her along the same lines as Tez; loss of freedom, and in her case youth. Thing is she believed that there was nothing more romantic than self sacrifice. Anyway, she ended up getting married to a man from another country aged nineteen, and from my perspective took great pleasure in dismantling her life for him. She moved out there to live with him, giving up friends and family, now I am not saying she doesn’t miss them, but from what I gather she almost needed to give up those things to pursue a different kind of romantic freedom. It’s a couple of years on and she seems as happy as ever.

I think, of course, everyone has some kind of balance of how much freedom they prepared to give up for a relationship, and I would also say it’s practically (as unhappy as I am with the term) human nature to desire what you can’t have; even if it is a self imposed restriction. But the act of that self restriction is an expression of another freedom.

The only impositions I can really see as properly inhibiting freedom are those impositions of social expectation. But times are changing (albeit slowly) and I think generally people are more comfortable having the relationships that suit them. Whether that be polyamory, long distance or relationships of less life-wide imposing structure (e.g. Relationships fitting the ever unpleasant term ‘fuck buddy’).
 
 
sdv (non-human)
18:26 / 04.05.06
As has been said - an interesting question. I'd add the caveat that in mass-consumptive societies it seems almost unavoidable now that given the possibility of choice people are choosing hedonism, work and consumption of objects over longer term more traditional choices such as relationships and children.

So when someone says 'freedom' and 'loss of freedom' - not how I'd put it myself - i'd say rather that the choices made are about what and how you choose to consume in this society. Having a child in the spectacle is a primary consumptive choice.... so equally having a longterm relationship is alos a primary consumptive choice.... Relationships cannot be thought of in terms of restrictions just choices... though obviously your choices will always be determined by your subjectivity and how it was constructed.
 
 
***
10:29 / 08.06.06
I've been looking at this topic crosseyed for awhile, trying to pin my own life down on the page in these terms and the keywords seem to be choice and balance.

I have been part of a stable binary for somewhat over seven years, which became what proved to be a stable Trinary around four years ago, and is currently several months into what I hope will be a very stable Quad.

Fundamentally, I think the only thing I sacrificed when making these choices, was the freedom to act without considering my partners. And that is a willing sacrifice .. I love them, I wish my relationship to continue, so I make my decisions with the awareness that I am a part of the whole, so to speak.

I am loved and I love more than I thought possible, making this life with my partners has lead to me doing things I never thought I would dare to and developing rather seriously as a person ... and being able to share as they do similar things.

I would largely echo Deva in this thread, and I think she's been more eloquent already than I would be.
 
 
Ticker
15:10 / 08.06.06
It was an important moment for me when I realized that a healthy LTR should have the exact same boundaries as any other good friendship (for me). Bundled into the realization was that I had been trained to think a co-dependent over involvement/over sacrifice of self was some how normal and expected in order to conduct a binary partnership.

In daily activities my marriage partner and I are considerate of each other as roommates in a small space should be. We extended that consideration in terms of shared household responsibilities (catsons' feeding, chores, shared meals).

As partners we take the other person's feelings into consideration when making decisions that impact the realms of shared responsibility. We politely enquire as a courtesy when making decisions that may possibly affect the other person.

We often take vacations separately, socialize separately, and if the need arises, conduct other romantic relationships separately. All of our activities operate within the understanding that we will act as we individually see fit to, while maintaining a high level of consideration.

So I believe I have the same amount of freedom I did before being in this relationship, as every choice to act/not act is my own.
 
 
118118
23:45 / 14.06.06
2 of you isn't there - double the amount of freedom!
No, you probably are less "free", but I wouldn't say that the feeling of being trapped is really bad, more the practical side of not necessarily getting through the stuff you should be doing.
 
 
Our Lady Has Left the Building
09:54 / 15.06.06
Meaning what exactly?

< /confuzzled >
 
 
118118
22:19 / 15.06.06
a focus upon whether you believe relationships stifle personal freedoms, and, more poignantly, whether you consider that to a problem
There is nothing poignant about being in love when you are not, or if not, it is a problem.
 
 
Mister Six, whom all the girls
13:23 / 16.06.06
Aren't you free to do anything you want any time you want?

It's just inconvenient or not practical to you, I'd think.

Being free to not go to work, hang out in the park and blow my money on pigeon races is something I have the freedom to do, but I choose to go to work, type away and drink coffee, waiting until I'm bleary eyed and punchy at 5 PM to do 'whatever I want' with my night... or whatever my limited monetary resources allow... and whatever my wife wants to do.

The connection of a LTR to friendship I totally agree with but have friendsd who think I'm crazy for it. I've been with my wife for almost... christ... 8 years and we share everything.

My mates definitely hold secrets and definitely stop at 'she's crazy' as a way of explaining behavior in their girlfriends they cannot understand. Their girlfriends are not friends.

But I'm their friend and therefore they give me a mile when they don't understand something I've done or said and try to figure out why I'd say X Y or Z if it hurt them. I have a special status and I agree that a friend is someone you grant this status to.

But I've extended that 'mile' if you will to an arbitrary line with my wife which alternates between unlimited to an inch depending. I'm a moody guy and she's terribly understanding and patient. She's also very independent. I wish she posted here so she could answer her thoughts on the 'freedom' issue as it did bother her for a while... until she proposed to me. She confessed a desire to run off when things got hairy, but we toughed it out. A lot of our arguments were very difficult but afterwards we were much closer. And that is the point for us.

On being free... You are limited in your freedom if you don't want to hurt someone else's feelings or choose to make their happiness equal or higher than your own, granted. I can go home tonight and declare it roast beef pizza with whiskey and John Woo movie night if I want but it would not make me popular with my wife (and I'd hate myself for obvious and more immediate reasons than earning her ire as the roast beef pizza/whiskey combo rose to the fore).

To be less dramatic, I could take off my ring and go out and drink, be merry in the streets and hang out in town, but what I'd be looking for is a good time, a partner, and other things that I already have. I have the freedom to do what I like, but I choose to stay with her because it's worth it.

Partnership is not for everyone (esp my parents, but that's another story), but for me it's the meaning of my life. To share my life and experiences brings me great joy. Sure, she drives me crazy from time to time and I know I test her temper but we love each other and work throw it. She once said that being with me was like a 'never ending sleepover' and corny as it sounds it's true. She's just less interested in watching MST3K in bed and talking about the 1970's JSA as I am... but she at least laughs at my attempts.
 
 
Ticker
11:42 / 17.06.06
Mister Six, if there's a 'happy marriage tips' thread around here, I think you've stated a great example with some grand insights for it.
 
 
one point, oh
10:13 / 18.06.06
Perhaps the issue with freedom in relationships lies with a more Schopenhauerian will-to-life outlook. By which I mean as slaves to our biology we inevitably get dragged into relationships by a subconscious desire to procreate (a bit out of date given the frequency of non-heterosexual relationships, so lets extend procreate to get-yr-jollies); these dizzy couplings are often not build on solid foundations and, as a result, after the initial rush (which can, unfortunately, last long enough for commitments to be made) they lose momentum, and may even become hollow or unpleasant to be a part of.

So given a person has begun a relationship and then sometime later had a dramatic change of heart are they likely to feel trapped and not free? The answer is clearly yes; even with the antiquated social onus for couples to remain endlessly steadfast somewhat alleviated, there are still innumerate other pressures and responsibilities that can force hands and result in people feeling trapped. These reasons range from not wanting the guilt of hurting your partner, wanting your children to be raised in a family unit or even not wanting to upset your mum who always thought your partner was so lovely. If thought through logically it can often be seen that all of these negatives pale in comparison to the fallout of a bitter, sham relationship caused by staying. What keeps people in their stagnation, what causes their slavery to the relationship is fear; fear of the repercussions, fear of the nakedness of not having a partner, and even worse; fear of change.

I can certainly see why people would feel trapped or confined within a relationship, but that is, clearly, not the way it is supposed to be; all sacrifices are supposed to be willing ones. Sacrifices whose returns should be greater than that which is relinquished. As long as that thought is held in mind along with the thought that you are free to leave a relationship at any time if a required sacrifice is too much, then I see no reason why we should feel we are being denied freedom.
 
 
Mister Six, whom all the girls
19:52 / 29.06.06
Thanks, xk.
 
 
Strange Machine Vs The Virus with Shoes
02:12 / 16.07.06
To take it right down to the root, are we ever free? As humans we need to be socialised in order to function as the people we are ( the phenomena of the “wolf boy” pretty much proves this) and we have no control over our early influences. By the time we think we have control we are still running our lives on factors we experienced when growing up. Our freedom in relationships is probably based on self interest, which in turn is based on the conditioning of the social whole. Then we have to add in our primal urges which may run opposite to the social programming. I’m no expert on animal modes of reproductive nature, but from what I can gather most mammals want as wide a range of reproductive options as possible the male may try to spread its seed as far and wide as it can, the female may try to link with the “alpha” male or the male closest in pecking order. Mating for life is probably more common in bird species than mammals. Or the female may engage in intercourse with many males and let the sperm do the work and fight it out. I can only speak about hetero relationships, but given the chance, many if not most men, would stray if there was a low risk of being caught. Freedom, if it exists, comes after security and status, whether we choose freedom over other socially constructed modes of being depends on our programming. Are we freer if we choose to follow our urges to seek multiple partners or are we freer if we overcome our more basic instincts and conform to the relationship model? Are we not just doing what we can only ever do in the existence that we are in?
 
  
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