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My girlfriend left me - i don't know what to do

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Brigade du jour

16:22 / 09.08.04

I'm really sorry mate, all I can say is that it will get easier. I know it's easy for me to say, and it's a cliche and everything, but hey sometimes it helps to hear cliches, especially when they're true. Big hugs anyway.

16:35 / 09.08.04

C.O.Y.O.H. x

19:43 / 09.08.04

it must be breakup season, this is the 3rd relationship this week

harry, I recommend the following to you:
1. write postcards to people you haven't seen in a while, people often send a card back & then you get something in the mail that's not a bill
2. eat candy
3. if a large body of water or a mountain is available, visit it and note how impressive and sturdy it is and how small your troubles seem by comparison
4. hide all joy division records
5. hang in there, though it doesn't seem like it, time is progressing at the same pace it always has, and carrying you forward with it

20:19 / 09.08.04

But I LOVE joy division!!

Thanks you thank you everybody for your help. It's really appreciated.

Just wanted to add this: when she broka up with me yesterday morning, it was by sms ! And when I, just now, asked if we couldn't meet in real life and just talk (she's leaving for studies in another place of the country next week), she said no. "There is nothing to talk about."

God it makes me feel like I have a fever.

20:23 / 09.08.04

Forgot the best part.

"And I have a lot to do before I go."

21:33 / 09.08.04

"And I have a lot to do before I go."

I’d suggest that that bit is probably just her adopting her own defence mechanism to help her deal with what is almost certainly a very difficult and painful process. Might seem flippant and callous from your perspective but probably isn’t really. People deal with stuff in funny ways. It’s a minefield crossed with a puzzle box wrapped up in an abyss of desolation, mate. No point lying to you. Thinks are likely to be appalling and unbearably awful for a long time. No even longer than that. But that’s the nature of the reality we live in, and it happens to everyone. Hopefully you can make something good out of it at some point further down the line when you’ve processed the whole grieving process – and it’s really important to give yourself time and space to do that. All the best.

Have you decided on a large fighting monkey or a small thieving monkey yet?

21:46 / 09.08.04

Having given the matter some thought, and looking at the specifics of your situation, I think I’d have to advise the larger monkey. An orang-utan or a gorilla would do the trick. You need to find yourself again by hitting the ‘every which way but loose’ trail. It’s a spiritual journey. An emotional pilgrimage of sorts.

Do you have a moustache? I know that Clint didn’t actually have a moustache in those films, but I think it would work. It would help you add your own unique spin on the journey. You might want to think about getting yourself a CB as well. And possibly a fat cop with a dumb nephew who follow you around trying to arrest you for something but you always somehow manage to stay one step ahead of them.

21:56 / 09.08.04

I kinda liked to see myself on a "period ship bound for mysterious Arabia", maybe looking like Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Carabean. Could you have a big gorilla on board or would it frighten the crew?

22:09 / 09.08.04

I dunno, mate. I think that might just be the grief talking. In times like this everyone gets on that whole French Foreign Legion trip and just wants to disappear to strange lands and never be seen again. It’s a romantic notion, but I’m not sure if it would sort your head out in quite the same way as just hitting the road with your big monkey sidekick. Think of the bar brawls you could have, the drinks you could have thrown over you by tough women in houses of ill repute, the windows you could be thrown through.

22:22 / 09.08.04

. An orang-utan or a gorilla would do the trick.

dude.
were you never fifteen?
did you never read a terry pratchett book?

APES, man, APES.

tch.

racist.

22:27 / 09.08.04

Yeah, I know. Great Apes. But I find "monkey" a far more pleasing word than "ape", normally I get away with it, but not much gets past you does it.

22:31 / 09.08.04

Gypsy, that does sound more fun than disappearing from the world in a captain nemo-pose. Give me that monkey sidekick now!

02:38 / 10.08.04

That's the spirit, Harry! SHOW ME THE MONKEY!

pointless and uncalled for

07:54 / 10.08.04

Why can I never find a picture of Cuba Gooding Jnr with a Monkey when I want one.

09:32 / 10.08.04

he's a very private man, and his monkey isnt in showbiz.

pointless and uncalled for

09:38 / 10.08.04

You know a suprising amount about Cuba Gooding Jnr.

You're his monkey aren't you?

09:41 / 10.08.04

Don't limit yourself to one single monkey, I always say one's troubles can always be solved by an army of monkeys ready to obey your every whim and crush your enemies. Just think of the possibilities.

pointless and uncalled for

10:10 / 10.08.04

Ninja Monkeys.

Now you're talking my language.

nothing in the world is better to aid a broken heart than a garrison of ninja monkeys ready to do your bidding.

Be cautious though. Ninja monkeys will never follow orders or commands, nor will they accept directions or requests. They are specifically trained and thus all tasks must be issued in the form of bidding.

Whale... Whale... Fish!

10:49 / 10.08.04

Monkeys with wings.

I am currently working on a project to splice spider-monkey DNA with fruitbat DNA to create a half-monkey-half-bat super creature. The pilfering possibilties of a small monkey would be increased tenfold. It could fly to the shops to bring you back treasures untold such like Kingsize Marses, cans of Irn Bru and ham salad sandwiches: to name but a few.
However the carry capabilities of a winged spider monkey would be limited and I fear the likelyhood of it either getting the order wrong or just bringing back bannanas or (evil) nuts would be high. The solution to the carrying capacity problem would be to use a bigger monkey such as a gorilla. However, it would appear that in order to get a gorilla or possibly an orangatan airbourne, wing about the size of a pterodactyl's would be needed. This leads to the problem as how exactly pterodactyl wings and/or DNA could be obtained. The obvious solution would be to use Jurrasic Park technology but that has it's own drawbacks such as the statistical probability of obtaining some other dinosaurs DNA rather than a pterodactyl's or that the gorilladactyls may go on the rampage and cause widespread chaos. This brings me to conclude that creating gorilladactyls would just be stupidity squared and should not be attempted. Besides the little winged spider monkeys would just be sooooooo cute and adorable...

If this project is successful, Harry may adopt one of the MK I winged spider monkeys.

On a completely differant point, we've hit 4 broken relationships this week as me and my girlfriend split on Sunday. Is this a new record?

10:50 / 10.08.04

If you're talking ninja monkeys then they have to be smaller. Much smaller. Like those little finger monkeys you can get. Small enough to keep in a barrel. A barrel of ninja monkeys. Open the lid and one thousand tonnes of ninja monkey mayhem is set loose into the world.

10:53 / 10.08.04

we've hit 4 broken relationships this week as me and my girlfriend split on Sunday. Is this a new record?

Sorry to hear that, Whales - and you too, Harry. But remember! Mercury is in retrograde! (Plus, if you're in the UK, the weather is hot and bad and no-one can breathe properly and people on my street keep shouting at each other, with swearing and threats.) Everybody just hang in there till the end of August and things will get better...

10:57 / 10.08.04

Whale - I've have copy write on monkey DNA experiments, my Monkey bear kids cartoon is still being investigated!

Hope things get better for you Harry I'm sure they will, try and keep the drinking to a minimum and don't start contacting exes... it's not a bright idea.

12:42 / 10.08.04

FOUR signifigant others reduced in signifigance? Well, just repeat after me, THEY WERE CRAP ANYWAY.
Start dating hir sister. That always pisses 'em off.

Tryphena Absent

13:39 / 10.08.04

*raises an eyebrow at Lord Morque*

If you must say something like that than I'd suggest you work on your phrasing so that it sounds less misogynistic- inadvertent or not.

14:18 / 10.08.04

Anna, if you achieve a change in Lord Morque's posting style I will perform a forfeit.

Whale... Whale... Fish!

14:46 / 10.08.04

Well...

I think that there are now four of us officially slutting it.

Bear, we could collaborate(sp?) how cool would your Monkey Bear Kids be if they had wings???

15:03 / 10.08.04

It's not monkey bear kids, that would be shit - It's monkey bears for a kids cartoon.

And please stop talking about them or I'll have contact my lawyer.

This thread is for helping out Harry...and normal boring monkeys.

15:17 / 10.08.04

Monkeys are never boring.

16:18 / 11.08.04

Search begins for stolen monkeys

you thieving bastards

Less searchable M0rd4nt

19:50 / 11.08.04

I... I... I... I just couldn't help it! They were just so darn... SIMIAN!

(And I would've got away with it too, if it wasn't for you meddling kids!)

16:04 / 12.08.04

Why has no one mentioned the benefits of strenuous exercise in these cases?

The monkey thing, yes, by all means, get the monkey. But do the push-ups, too!

16:28 / 12.08.04

dude, i thought push ups were a given...
its the henry rollins approach to mental torment; no problem is so big that you cannot bench and bench and bench until you can crush its scrawny neck like a vice on a finger.

remember, start with however many you can do, and increase daily.
the benching should be reserved for after the 'shups, for once you have attained the degree of strength necessary to crush beer cans one-handed on your pectorals. steel ones.

flat cans?
ready for the weights.

16:35 / 12.08.04

cuba benches his own body weight, incidentally.
coincidentally, the monkey weighs the same as he does and they have never owned a multigym.

17:03 / 12.08.04

gene therapy cures monkeys of laziness

such a "remarkable transformation in the simian work ethic" can only further encourage rapid recuperation for the lovelorn

Whale... Whale... Fish!

17:39 / 12.08.04

Well... They can get their furry asses out there and steal me some more food then.

But back to the original point in question; Harry, how ya doing mate. I'm drunk!

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