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DUCHESS OF THURINGIA UND WEISS-BADEN, COUNTESS OF THE FELCHWURST GAU (PICS)

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VonKobra,Scuttling&Slithering

08:58 / 18.06.04

I found her flinging shit at me from the walls of her SCHLOSS.

I knew from that very moment I would have her at my side whilst Refineries burned and Orca-Pens were made uncomfortable by repeated aural assault with Peter Frampton records.

She wears a Ring of Moldovite.

Should I kill her?

pointless and uncalled for

09:10 / 18.06.04

As the fourteenth special advisor to the throne I feel that execution would be an unwise choice. I would strongly recommend that she be made to sleep on a bed doused in maple syrup for one lunar month, her head shaved and her scalp tattooed with the likeness of Lucy Liu.

I am sure that you will find the results most ammenable.

Spyder Todd 2008

12:55 / 18.06.04

As Chief Vizier to Maximus Carlitus, Arch Duke of the Termanian Islands, and engaged to the esteemed Countess' sister Claudine, I must also protest any action unto her that would result in immediate termination of her mortality. Might I suggest instead that you simply bind her up for a while and give her a good spanking? It would have the same affect on her and the Arch Duke would never need hear of this. In addition, it might be more amusing to you.

pointless and uncalled for

13:04 / 18.06.04

I must also protest any action unto her that would result in immediate termination of her mortality

Yep, no one likes them immortals walking about with royalty.

13:53 / 18.06.04

Main Kapitaen, it appears I still have one of Lord Morque's werferwerfers lying around from the last time he came around to 'borrow' some equipment from my laboratory/workshop/factory floor. Strangely, it seems to work. At least, it was capable of showering small sharp things onto the horde of peasant unionists trying to stage a protest for the introduction of separate shower cubicles. Anyway, if you want to use it to deal with this relationship situation you have found yourself in, it's yours. I'll even pay for the postage. Just take it off my hands...I think it may be bugged and Lord Morque is trying to use it to spy out the secret of my newly perfected Giant Robotic Amphibious Badger Assault Stealth Suit (G.R.A.B.A.S.S.)

06:30 / 19.06.04

>SHRIEK< MORQUE?! YOU... DAVE KELLY FAN! I'LL GIVE YOU NANOO NANOO UP THE WHAZOO!

(Ahem.) Congradulations, VKUK, old man. I suggest taking her out to Meme Buggerer's club. And if it comes to a royal wedding, flanked by phalanxes of glistening rubberised stormtroopers with rubber batons held aloft, never mind Grarea's clapped-out out schizenwerfer (and he was pitifully glad to get it, too!), for the occasion I shall roll out a brand new batch of limited edition serially numbered PanzerWerfers! I shall fill them with napalm und white phosphorous and lob them into the air in a festive display, ballistic trajectory computed to end at each of Lekvar's European corperate holdings. We don't need such war profiteering, it sullies the purity of our glorious peacekeeping exercise, and gets in the way of MY war profiteering. Huzzah!

12:49 / 19.06.04

What? Your name isn't Lord Morque? Then why sign yourself so? Look...it says so to the left of your posts, in hi-res black on grey: Lord Morque. And I didn't want your bloody werferwerfer. You left it lying on the chaize-lounge when you hurriedly left after I caught you snooping through the filing cabinet marked 'Top secret plans. Do not touch. This means you, Lord Morque!'. I never wanted it, I still don't want it, and if von Kobra doesn't take it I'll give it to Oxfam or something.

By the way von Kobra, his panzerwerfers are pure shite. They're useless. In fact, they're worse than useless, they're downright dangerous. To anyone who tries to use them! The testing field of the Guild of Crazed Inventors is still out-of-bounds after fifteen of them spontaneously destroyed themselves (Lord Morque still insists it was a test of the self-destruct mechanism, but everyone knows they went bang after being hit by Lord van der Wiesenheide's 6 year-old son's repeating pea-shooter). Use something else. Factory reject confetti loaded into wet paper bags and fired using an over-size bra as a launcher would have more effect than anything coming out of Lord Morque's workshops these days.

14:26 / 19.06.04

Well, since your filing cabinet didn't have MY NAME on it, I assumed it didn't mean me. And you fail to grasp the sheer magnificence of the auto-auto-destruct werferwerfer- it destroys itself in .025 seconds- making it the ULTIMATE in PLANNED OBSOLESCENCE! Glee!
And of course the PanzerWerfers are dangerous! I'm hurling WW2 tanks filled with flaming petroleum jelly hundreds of feet into the air! And, I might add, for no good reason. But if there's one thing that the Spider-Man movie taught me, it's that risks are part of laboratory science.
At least I haven't been sitting on my laurels- while your ridiculous robot ants stomp potholes in the streets of our glorious new Utopia With Spikes, my Werfers werf themselves, and other things, to new heights! And your puny ants cannot stop me! Indeed, they cannot stop themselves from being werfed! There goes one now! Wheee! Ooh, that one landed right in that factory's smokestack. I wonder what they make. Made. God, I love science.

VonKobra,Scuttling&Slithering

15:01 / 19.06.04

* razes umpteenth Village in a Wall Of Shimmering Phosphorus *

* lethargically polishes Monocle *

siiiiiggggghhhhhhh...

16:26 / 19.06.04

Resting on my laurels??? Obviously you didn't bother reading the bit where I presented my Giant Robotic Amphibious Badger Assault Stealth Suit. Which, I should mention, is werferproof. You can't throw this suit come hell or high water, thanks to my ingenious Densitron Device(tm). It allows the suit to gain the density and weight of a small black hole in situations where it is about to be thrown, crushing the thrower while retaining structural stability of the suit! Mwah-ha-ha-haaaa!!!

Should I also mention that the G.R.A.B.A.S.S. makes use of a wide and affordable range of offensive weaponry? Not merely limited to your normal machine guns, missiles, mortars, howitzers and sharp sticks, the G.R.A.B.A.S.S. can also deploy these items to great effect:
- Thumbtack Placer!
- Cat 'O Nine Tails!
- Fist of Fury!
- Giant Wheel of Rotating Rubber Bludgeons!
- Double-Barrelled Particle Accellerator Cannon!
- Particle Decelleration Cannon! (for slowing other things down!)
- Gravitron Beam!
- Large Lump Of Lead!
- Denim Ray!
- Latex Ray!
- Man Ray!
- Ice Ray! (great for children's parties)
- Hi-Tech Probing Device with Blinking Lights!
- Disco Ball Catapult! (watch your foes dance themselves into oblivion!!!)
- Muzak!
and the ever popular
- Village Reassembler Ray! Reassembles the village you just blasted to smithereens, allowing you to experience the joy of watching the villagers faces go from anguish, to relief, to even greater anguish when they watch you blast their village AGAIN! How evil is that? Do I hear you say 'Very Evil!'? Why, I think I do! Mwah-ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha (inhale) ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaa!

01:27 / 20.06.04

Alright, I'll give that the Village Reassembler Ray is more conceptual than I would have given you credit for, but I'm worried about your new obsession with fursuiting. You're not gonna get all... YIFFY on me, are you? 'Cause I don't do badgers, man. Catgirls, maybe, but never a badger.

01:29 / 20.06.04

Mass intensification... pfui. Two words- INERTIALESS WERFING. Wave of the future, dude.

01:31 / 20.06.04

Can I borrow the Wheel of Rotating Rubber Bludgeons? I want to take it to Meme Buggerer's club and impress the ladies.

21:05 / 20.06.04

Much as I'd like to oblige, I need to keep it here. The factory's not producing enough of them to fill the orders as it is, so I've only got the one display model lying around.

21:30 / 20.06.04

She wears a Ring of Moldovite.

Should I kill her?

Don't have the answer to this but i think you should DEFINATELY start writing fiction, NOW.

And if you do i want to see a picture of you with your writing pad, pen, mug of coffee or beer/alcomohol whatever and Ravanhaired Bathorite.

VonKobra,Scuttling&Slithering

09:47 / 21.06.04

She lies amongst rotting garlands, Rob Frost.

The stench is unbearable.

When her subjects approach bearing the traditional gifts of Maize and Preparation H, she languidly orders their Properties Seized.

I could love this woman.

I have considered displaying my Zeppelin.

Obviously, I would choose an appropriate moment for my revelation of Unhealthy Ardour. Perhaps on the Glorious Occasion of Final Victory. Perhaps in a Quiet and Gloomy Abattoir, somewhere in the secluded countryside.

I must admit my advisors are worrying me. UNDULY.

I was under the impression that Grey Area was assisting in the Liquification of the Northern Morass. Now THIS?

My brow knits. I gaze off into the pyres of distant cities, on the one hand perplexed with the seeming inefficiency of my Militia to UNITE in a Victorious Golden Eaglelike way, perhaps adorned with Oak Laurels and suchlike...

... and on the other, Engorged with Horrible Passion for She-Who-Denimclad-Has-Nice-Bejubbles-And-Such.

It's when I'm in these moods that a Highly Populated Area usually suffers unfairly.

* turns to Map, Malignantly Gargling *

10:25 / 21.06.04

von Kobra, did you not receive my communique regarding the liqification of the nothern morass? The one I sent in a solid gold bottle gourd, adorned with the silver-plated remains of the last plant of the morass? Written in the ink distilled from the gooey, oozing puddle that is all that remains of said morass?

Even as we speak, my factories are providing litres upon litres of morass ink to our printing presses with which to produce reams of propaganda material proclaiming our victory (there has been a slight delay in factory #982...apparently something got fired into the chimney. Must have been resistance fighters). The nations of the world are weeping and trembling at the sight of a once-proud marshland reduced to...well...überMarschland! Yes! The world is watching, and it fears what it sees!

10:12 / 22.06.04

Hmm, Badger Suits. But who's going to pilot them- Sgt. Furry and his Growling Commandoes? AHAHAHAHAHA! Hey, hey, Grey, did you hear what I said? I said "SGT. FURRY AND HIS GROWLING COMMANDOES"! Hee, I made a funny.

As for wooing the chicky-babes, that Thanos guy tells me that killing half the sentient beings in the universe is a sure-fire leg-opener, but what does he know? Been chasing Lady Death for years, and he's still left toying with his own Infernal Devices. Geek. I say crash through the wall of her castle on an A.P.C. and sing "Prime Mover". At least you'll get her attention.

But really, that's my solution to most problems.

10:42 / 22.06.04

*yawn* Your infantile wit bores me. And your obsession with fur is starting to trouble me. My assault suits do not have fur on them, and quite frankly the childish manner with which you attempt to imply that there is something deviant about the design of my assault suits is getting tiresome.

Regarding serenading this Duchess...may I suggest the equipping of the Zeppelin fleet with an array of 20,000 Watt speakers and the playing of Barry White? Von Kobra, I can assure you that the seductive nature of the Walrus of Love only increases with volume. We could also drop bombs. Filled with rose petals. By chance, I have a number of acres of GM roses coming into bloom in one of my underground hydroponics facilities.

12:13 / 22.06.04

Flower petals?! What is this, Queer Eye for the Evil Guy?
Say it with THERMITE!

12:17 / 22.06.04

*ahem*...these are GM rose petals, remember? What could be more evil than the defiling of romance's eternal symbol through genetic manipulation?

12:18 / 22.06.04

And if there is nothing deviant about the design of your battlesuits, then you are simply letting the team down.
Get with the program! I suggest retrofitting them with realistic external genetalia of both sexes, or at least some kind of unsavory decal kit.

12:20 / 22.06.04

...says the person who wanted to borrow the wheel of rotating rubber bludgeons for a night out on the town.

12:23 / 22.06.04

Maybe if they were lovely black roses, or better yet just the thorns, or as long as it's GM, they could be carnivorous, or at least bloodsuckers, yes, lamprey D.N.A.! Oh, drop it on the festival and watch them scream!
Good times, Grey Area, good times.

12:29 / 22.06.04

It's all in the context, Gra-Gras. A wheel of rotating rubber bludgeons in a dark nightclub of sweaty desires and spilt drinks is sheer poetry, and a great icebreaker. The same thing in a riot is drabby-poohs! Spice it up a bit for the proles. A rotating wheel of rubber DILDOS pummelling unarmed protestors, perhaps ejaculating lachrymose or regurgitant chemicals, that's not just brutal oppression, that's a STATEMENT!

13:18 / 22.06.04

OK, that's it...you have officially lost thesaurus priviledges for a week.

VonKobra,Scuttling&Slithering

16:24 / 22.06.04

MORGUE!!!!!

EMERGENCY REEPERBAHN LEAVE EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY

And you, Grey Area...

Gliding Pencils Of Love...I like it. I would feel a lot better if we Arbitrarily Destroyed something in the process though.

Something like, oh I dunno, a Densely Populated Urban Area?

I MEAN IT MORGUE!!! I HAVE SEEN THIS BEFORE!!!!

She has agreed to receive my Guttural Utterances Of Foul And Loathsome Carnality, by the way. She receives me via NightmareVision on her Z-Wave ReceiverTron on the morrow where you can bet I am going to be in the wearing of the GrandLuftAdmiral Uniform with the many Decorations und DEAD THINGS. Small things. Probably sprayed with Diesel. To enhance my odor. So the SCHRECKKAMERA crew vomit and shriek with Madness.

So as to make a good impression, you know.

*ahem*

MORGUE YOUR GENITALIA WILL DRIVE YOU TO DECLARE WAR ON YOURSELF...

PRUSSIAN BUNKER SYNDROME.

TALK TO ME AFTER YOUR WALLOW IN HAMBURG.

17:49 / 22.06.04

We could, of course, equip the bombs not with one, but with two warheads. One filled with GM rose petals, and the other filled with either napalm, high explosive, nails, petrol or radioactive sludge. Or may I suggest a PartyPack combination of all these options slung together? We can adapt the enormous pile of big, round black bombs that are cluttering up a corner of the warehouse. Fill one with rose petals, fill the other with one of the more...lethal...options. Strap two of them to a long, thick guidance rod. Voila! Which is franco-catalan for 'We have a really big bomb!'. We can rain these double-balled Rods of Death on a randomly selected target en-route to the duchess. The zeppelins are straining at their ropes, eager to do your bidding von Kobra. Just give the word!

Spyder Todd 2008

18:57 / 22.06.04

To all whom it may concern:
As Chief Vizier to Maximus Carlitus, Arch Duke of the Termanian Islands (just off the coast of the Ludiceussian seashore), and the formerly betrothed of the great Claudine (who is a dirty, dirty, tramp), I feel inclined to comment that the Termanian Islands have been observing recent events with much interest. In particular, this amphibious badger craft sounds quite interesting. As you are currently making war upon that dirty skank’s stupid little country, his highness would greatly enjoy assisting with the manufacturing these badgers in anyway. If you send us the schematics for them, we will begin production on more of them immediately.
Spyder, Chief Vizier to the Arch Duke of the Termanian Islands, Maximus P. Carlitus

VonKobra,Scuttling&Slithering

06:45 / 23.06.04

A FIENDISH ALLIANCE

A SLAUGHTER BORNE BY THWARTED LUST

Morgue!

Grey Area!

Release the Zeppelii! Florid and Poetic CarpetBombings commencement thus!

We henceforthwith need not the Tarry in making of the Haste in a bold and Sickening Diplomatic Mission!!!

To the BLACK UFOs!! By ze time we returning, my Bathorite will surely be in the Dark Yearnings lost.

But not an Hour to spare ... MINIONS, MY ANACONDA!! SCHNELL!!!

Morgue IS back, isn't he?

* looks under Horrificly Be-Gargoyled Grand Piano *

07:49 / 23.06.04

Whoops! I was in the D.N.A. lab, trying that thing with the bloodsucking roses. No luck yet, but I do have a very pleasant-smelling lamprey.
Righty-doke, skip! I'll release the Goombahs, activate the Strike Clones, release the Hellhounds, and let slip the dogs of war! Wait, where are my dogs of war? Where my dogs of war at? Arf, arf. WHO LET THE DOGS OF WAR OUT?! Arf, arf.
Also, I have been training the Nightmare Death Squad in the latest high-tech combat strategies from the bleeding-edge of battle simulation. I can not wait to see if rocket-jumping, circle-strafing, stacking, spawn-camping and tele-fragging work in real life.
Boldly we go with guns akimbo and remote-ridicule activated, through the gibs, to capture the flag!

08:14 / 23.06.04

Your zeppelin fleet is on it's way, von Kobra. 20,000 Watt sound systems are ready to commence aural bombardment. So...what shall we have? I've found a bunch of tapes in the glove compartment, but they all seem to contain Queen's greatest hits.

08:17 / 23.06.04

Perhaps a little Bohemian Rhapsody?

08:32 / 23.06.04

I was actually hoping that one of you would have a tape or CD of something that isn't Queen on your persons.

VonKobra,Scuttling&Slithering

11:15 / 23.06.04

Here is the Poetry of my Soul.

Let her swoon appreciably like the Hot English Mustard to the delectable strains of "Tristesses De La Lune" as the surrounding towns are engulfed in sweet olfactory Armageddon.

Now come on, we need to get to the Vizier.

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