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Breaking, splitting, cracking up.

  
  

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Samael
20:01 / 26.05.04
Anyone here have some wonderous tales of breaking up? Is there such a thing as "it was mutual"? I am currently having a hard time in the relationship area, and I am beginning to get an urge to break things off. Problem is, I have never before been in such a position. Oh I have been in relationships that have ended, I have been the one to do it on a couple of occasions. It is one thing to break up after a month or two of dating, and quite another after six years (the last five of which we have been living together). So I come seeking tales of breakups, split ups and crack ups. Perhaps in those tales, I can find some advice as well. The only people I know who have actually been in a long relationship are parents (all divorced now) or grandparents (whom I have a hard time talking to in the first place).
 
 
8===>Q: alyn
20:27 / 26.05.04
Breaking up is so insanely painful that I can't understand why we keep getting into relationships at all. I think it must be like childbirth or PTSD or junior high, we just block it out or the human race would die out. I am still reeling from my last breakup which was almost a year ago.

Good luck, chief.
 
 
Fist Fun
20:35 / 26.05.04
I split up with my girlfriend of four years a couple of months back. It has been alright. We phone each other every week or so, she is coming to visit me this weekend, we acknowledge things are weird but, yeah, we are still friends and everything *is* mutual. But we had that kind of relationship to start with. I could probably lose a leg and we would see the funny side of it.

Weird/fun doing the whole dating thing again. Mostly fun. You meet loads of new people.

So, no, it isn't hard.
 
 
VonKobra,Scuttling&Slithering
06:49 / 27.05.04
I was with her for 11 years.
She started fucking my best friend behind my back, who I'd known since I was 12.
We'd been married for 2 years at this stage.
I came homeone day and my stuff was on the porch.
I chucked in my job, which was pretty much the sweetest job I'd ever had.
I moved town.
All my network of friends had known what was going on, no one had the balls to tell me.
So I basically lost all my friends.
I ended up drinking myself into oblivion for 3 years.
I lost many jobs in this time.
I ended up eventually having a Nervous Breakdown and being put on AntiDepressants.
I tried to kill my ex-wife's lover.
I did, at one stage, beat the shit out of him in a toilet in the pub. Which made me feel worse.
I haven't had any kind of sexual relations with a woman in about 2 years now. They all end badly, and I just avoid Women when they come on to me now.
I also have a serious drug problem. Which I suspect is just a further manifestation of disillusionment.

So that's my story. I personally think breaking up can be quite hard on a fellow.

Still. There's always Baudelaire to cheer me up. HA!
 
 
Jub
07:49 / 27.05.04
Fucking 'ell Johnny! Tough luck there mate.

My relationship break-up have been fairly okay. If not mutual then at least consenting. IE we both might not have wanted it us much as the other but at least we recognised it was the right thing to do.

There's two main problems with splitting up with someone as I see it. The actual split, telling them you want to break up with them, and I usually find this very hard as it never seems like the right time. Then there's the getting over it stage, which is odd, going through all the various stages of withdrawal (if you like).

If you really think it's for the best to split up, then do - just be prepared to go through equal measures of regret, relief, nostalgia, frustration, guilt, panic, and optimism for the future! It's good and bad. It's easy and hard!
 
 
imaginary mice
11:36 / 27.05.04
Here’s a quick summary of my post below: I personally can’t deal with break-ups but I’m sure your girlfriend is a normal, rational, sensible and well-rounded person who will deal with it just fine. You don’t need to read any of the stuff I’ve written below.

I have no idea how people deal with break-ups, I really don’t (in case you haven’t guessed - I’m a dumpee not a dumper). I admit that I’m quite emotional and insecure so if someone breaks up with me, I immediately think I’m useless, boring, no good in bed and basically completely insufferable. This is irrespective of the length of the relationship. I can’t imagine ever breaking up with someone, I usually make my mind up about people quite quickly (before I have a relationship with them) and I think it’s wonderful to have someone who cares about you and who’s there for you. I can’t stand being single, although I’m pretty used to it by now. I don’t have any close friends, so a boyfriend will also always be my best friend, the “first port of call” when I’m feeling down and the person I can confide in and share my feelings with.

I do realise that I’m emotionally more fucked up than most people but just think about all those practicalities – all those places that will remind you of your ex* on a daily basis, certain pubs and clubs that you will no longer be able to go to (which is okay if you live in London or a similarly big city, bit more annoying if you live anywhere else) plus all those people that will remind you of him/her, friends you will no longer see... It’s so much hassle. Two more break-ups (assuming that these guys have a similar taste in music and go to the same clubs) and I will no longer be able to go anywhere and will have to choose between not leaving the house ever again or moving to another town.

Btw, I’ve tried staying friends with exes – it didn’t work (I will spear you all the gory details).

Some people believe that time heals all wounds but I haven’t experienced that yet. I actually felt quite okay shortly after the break-up, the first year wasn’t too bad, the second year was a fucking nightmare (I even fantasised about slashing my wrist with a broken pint glass in front of him if I ever saw him with another girl – can you slash your wrist with a broken pint glass? Has anyone ever tried it? Aren’t most pint glasses made of plastic these days?), I’m feeling a bit better now and have pretty much learnt to deal with it but I still think of him on a daily basis. The more time goes by, the more I realise that I’m never going to meet someone like him again.

He once told me that people broke up all the time, moved on, had another relationship, broke up again – that that’s the way it worked and that it wasn’t such a big deal. I’m willing to accept that I’m a bit more sensitive (and a bit more insane) than others – what I don’t understand is the following: If it’s really not such a big deal, why have so many books, poems and lyrics been written about love (sometimes involving suicide or murder)? Why are there so many films about love? Why does it seem to be on every artist’s mind? They can’t all be foolishly obsessed lunatics surely?

Maybe there’s a certain way of dealing with break-ups and I’m the only person who isn’t aware of it (go on, please tell me the secret…) but I don’t think I will ever have a relationship again. If I do, it will be with someone I’m sure I will never fall in love with or someone I only see once a month or so. I just wouldn’t be able to deal with it otherwise.


* bloody Southampton clock tower, I fucking hate that thing. I remember one night – it was shortly before we started going out with each other, when we were still just friends but there was a certain tension and anticipation in the air when we were together. Everything was just wonderful and perfect. He was walking me home, we went through the park and the fog was so dense that all you could see of the tower was the clock face floating in the air – such a strange and memorable sight. Now everytime I see the tower I’m reminded of him and how we got together and how happy I was back then. And for those of you who don’t know, Southampton is quite a small place, there aren’t many high buildings and it’s pretty impossible not to notice the tower. I hate that thing so much.
 
 
marwood
12:03 / 27.05.04
First he become more and more distant, over about 3 months, he's bought a house, ok, he's just stressed...

Then he takes the 6 weeks I have designated for my dissertation to start messing with my head and playing the 'will i or won't i dump her'. When I make like I will dump him he is contrite and humble and undermines my confidence in the decision.
By the time he does do the deed I'm messed up in the head, my dissertation isn't worth shit and ,joy, I have exams for which I know I'm not mentally prepared.
Thats ok though, he 'doesn't know how university works' and 'there was never going to be a good time' but he 'hopes we can still be friends because he cares about me'.

What that means was he thought he could fuck me up at the most important time of my life and then be all buddy buddy when it suits him.

Am I bitter? Yes. Though the break up was consentual he really could not have decided on a worse time to start his little games.

The moral here is timing, i guess. What could have been a good break up will become horrendous if you pick a bad time.
 
 
Axolotl
12:12 / 27.05.04
The thing I find really irritating about dumping/being dumped is that is almost impossible to do the actual deed without slipping into the most overused cliches imaginable, eg it's not you it's me etc, which makes the entire thing seem like some bad day-time soap.
Though of course this doesn't compare to the rending heartache and depression that can go along with this, it does make the whole thing that little bit more unpleasant.
 
 
bitchiekittie
12:18 / 27.05.04
ACK!

the most important thing to keep in mind is that if you think it's over, it's over - stop dicking around already. be fair to her AND yourself and do it now, instead of spending the next 6 months or so clinging to fruitless hope/fear of loneliness/horniness thinking and possibly talking shit about her behind her back while she's wasting her time thinking things are tra la la la. end it now before you end up getting resentful and ugly, and cross your fingers for a clean break.

no matter how potentially ugly the breakup, there is nothing much worse than dragging it on and on and on. if this girl is someone you've cared about enough to spend all those years with her, care enough to be respectful and HONEST with her, too.
 
 
bitchiekittie
12:23 / 27.05.04
oh, and as someone who has spent 11 years in long term relationships (2+4+1+2+2), one of them involving a child and another an almost wedding, I will tell you that no matter how deeply you love someone, you can and will get through it. most likely there's a damned good reason you break up and it tends to turn out for the best in the end. you know what they say:

"they all end, except for the one that doesn't"



currently, being single is KICKING ASS.
 
 
Ex
12:51 / 27.05.04
So sorry you're having a horrid time of it, imaginary mice (such an excellent ficsuit name, also). Southampton is indeed too small to develop an alternative life-route to avoid poignant places. Google brings me the glad tidings that All Saints have covered Bacharach and David's "Always Something There to Remind Me", but I'll bet my lunch the Sandy Shaw version is still the best. I suppose having the clock tower quietly removed by arts students in a midnight prank is out of the question?

Anyway, a small digression:
: If it’s really not such a big deal, why have so many books, poems and lyrics been written about love (sometimes involving suicide or murder)? Why are there so many films about love? Why does it seem to be on every artist’s mind?

Because it's a dominant cultural mode of relationship. It kicks off having various practical uses (ensuring legitimate heirs, giving middle-class women something to do with themselves of an evening apart from embroidery) but it's grown and grown to slobbering, monstrous proportions. That then leads us to undervalue every other relationship in our lives, and over-invest in romantic love to the point where our sense of self depends on it. Which makes grow bigger, in a vicious cycle, mocking the meat it feeds on, chizz chizz.

And then all our films, songs, books come to reflect it because it's an absolute rock-bottom lowest common denominator unit-shifter. Because it's constantly letting everyone down but people really want to believe in it, so it needs shoring up.

I think that covers my opinion, which in no way makes me less sympathetic to the rotten time you are having. Good luck.
 
 
eddie thirteen
12:59 / 27.05.04
Yeah, being single is an endless "awwww yeah" for me, too. Bah. Speaking as someone who is almost invariably dumped, my sympathies for your plight are virtually nil, Samael. I'm probably just projecting here, but I imagine she has little if any idea there's a problem -- unless you've just been miserable for six long years, this has to be a recent thing -- and will feel totally blindsided, coldcocked, etc. when you level the boom. If it really is that bad, then yes, you should bail, but (a) she probably won't be feeling all that friendly toward you for a while, if ever, and (b) you really shouldn't expect her to, either. Honestly, though, if you're at a point where you're asking people on a message board if/how you should dump your girlfriend of half a decade, I would advise some serious introspection before I took drastic action.
 
 
Squirmelia
13:05 / 27.05.04
Oh, I adore the clocktower, and would hate having to avert my eyes from it. I think I may be in love with it, so please don't remove it! I still have slight issues with Embankment station though, particularly the district and circle line bit.

Most of my more serious break-ups have been with people who have lived in different towns to myself, so I've never really had to deal with the fact that they might be hanging out in places that I want to go on a regular basis. In some ways it makes it easier, but in some ways it's sort of sad because some of the time it means that I'll probably never see the person again.

Avoiding people seems easier than dealing with the unbearable sexual tension that sometimes occurs after a break-up, which can lead to inappropriately getting together again or just awkward desire. There have been people that I didn't really want to avoid, but I knew that I must, because otherwise it would have seriously messed me up.

I tend towards the more serial style of relationships, in that I am far more likely to break up with someone if I have someone else in mind, which is probably bad, but just how it seems to go. I hate it when people are too scared to actually break up with you, but just try to avoid you for some time as if they think that suddenly you will cease to exist.

One strange take on break-ups was a relationship that I entered knowing when exactly we were going to break up, having agreed to break up on a certain date when we first started going out. I cried a lot, because even though we had just started going out, it was as if we'd broken up already. That was really hard and I secretly hoped that we wouldn't actually break up then at all.
 
 
eddie thirteen
13:06 / 27.05.04
Wait...what the fuck am I even talking about? If you are at that point, which you *are,* then clearly things have gone far enough already. Good God, man. You're asking a message board whether/how to dump your girlfriend. It's time to go!
 
 
40%
13:30 / 27.05.04
I don’t have any close friends, so a boyfriend will also always be my best friend, the “first port of call” when I’m feeling down and the person I can confide in and share my feelings with.

Forgive me for giving unsolicited advice, but if that is the case, maybe a relationship really isn’t what you need. Maybe concentrate on working to turn acquaintances into mates, mates into friends, friends into close friends. Single or otherwise, you’re gonna need these people. Maybe you should start a thread on whatever issues you have with that, and try and get some of them resolved. Not having close friends is not a situation you should allow to continue.

Again, forgive me if I’m sticking my nose in where it’s not wanted.

As for break-ups, I’ve not been through any bad ones myself, as I’ve not had a serious relationship. I’ve certainly had situations with the opposite sex where each of us were wanting different things, and one of us was going to get hurt. And it’s not nice. As Jub says, it’s a cocktail of positive and negative emotions, and very confusing, feeling hurt and knowing you’re hurting the other person. But I guess it’s inevitable when two people want different things. Just pull the plaster off quickly is usually the best advice. (Unless it’s quite a long-term relationship where to do so would be callous).

My best mate broke up with his girlfriend a while ago. I was very impressed with him, actually. He said that she had been nagging him severely, and that each time she persisted with it, he had a serious talk with her, and said that the relationship wouldn’t last if she continued. She said she would stop each time, but she kept doing it. After it became clear that nothing was going to change, he broke up with her, and told her it was because of this.

I mean, it seems like he was quite justified in the situation, but even so, I think it takes strength of character not to feel guilty or make excuses for the person, or to put up with more than you should out of a sense of loyalty. But I know my friend has self-respect, which is the key.
 
 
40%
16:07 / 27.05.04
Sorry, I guess my post isn't particularly to the point of this thread. I think maybe it depends why you're unhappy with her, and whether it is something that could be changed. If you're choosing not to communicate with her about it, it seems you've already decided that it can't be changed. Perhaps you're asking us advice because you don't like the decision you've already made.

eddie thirteen's right. If your sense of loyalty to your long-term girlfriend is so lacking that you would start a thread on a message board about it, it suggests that if you do decide to continue with it, it's going to be an uphill struggle for some time getting things back on track, re-opening lines of communication and so on. So if you don't get out, you're going to need to redouble your efforts to make it work, rather than just continuing in the same vein, I would imagine.
 
 
pornotaxi
16:15 / 27.05.04
a good heart these days is hard to find..

almost as hard as finding a decent badminton partner.
 
 
misterpc
17:08 / 27.05.04
Some words on timing your break-up: THERE'S NEVER A GOOD TIME. This has led me to the discovery that the only way to break up is (once you've thought about it a lot):

- do it quick,
- do it clean, and
- do it fair.

DON'T
- get dragged into arguments about whose fault it is (you'll lose),
- get sucked into providing comfort for the person you've just dumped (you'll end up making it worse), and
- don't stay at the scene of the crime (because then it'll just be weird).

And I'm comfortable enough to admit that I have N-E-V-E-R been able to meet even one of the first three criteria, and been suckered by every single one of the Don'ts. That's why I live in a monastery and there's at least one contract out on me.
 
 
8===>Q: alyn
17:46 / 27.05.04
Oh? Which monastery?
 
 
Samael
18:36 / 27.05.04
Many thanks to all of you for telling of your experiences and giving some advice to an uncertain fellow. From what I gather, there is certainly no good time to break it off, but I do feel that there are worse times than others. I can't help but wonder, when thinking of my own situation, if I am in the doldrums of a long relationship. We both seem to be buddies rather than lovers more often than not. Sex sometimes seems like a formality (when it ever happens). She has said that she wants more romance, but all of my efforts are either met with "I don't want to go anywhere" or "How cheesy!" or "This must have been expensive, are you going to be able to make rent this month?"

I am afraid that this relationship has become one of convenience. We have both become rather used to having two incomes coming in, and all the material comforts that can come with having extra cash and stability. I find myself tired of being around her, wanting to be alone if only for a little while. I find that we both tend to get a bit more on each other's nerves more often. I just don't know if this is what happens when you have been in a relationship for a while, or if we are truly growing apart. I love her dearly, and would not want to see her in pain of any sort ever, but I am feeling like I am not IN love with her anymore.

My apologies if I am rambling. Does any of this make any sense to anyone? Oh, and as for coming to a message board with this, why not? All of my friends are also her friends, and I'd rather this come from me not someone else if word got around to her (and it would).
 
 
grant
18:38 / 27.05.04
imaginary mice:
They can’t all be foolishly obsessed lunatics surely?

I'm afraid they can.

We are, I mean.


and...

bloody Southampton clock tower, I fucking hate that thing

...should totally be a song lyric.

In fact, that whole paragraph should be converted into lyrics.
 
 
Mazarine
19:21 / 27.05.04
It was the scheduling of it for me that was really annoying when I broke up with my ex. Can't dump him this week, he's got a gig. Can't dump him next week, he's got a job interview. Can't break up with him Thursday, I've got a dress rehearsal. So instead, I started laying groundwork, just to be sure it wouldn't come as a shock. Little things, "Gosh, we're both busy people. Barely have time for each other do we?" But then he guessed what I was doing, and thus ended up breaking up, quasimutually, over IMer. Which of course makes me look like one of the harshest bitches in recent history- "you broke up with him in an instant message?" But I swear, I had every intention of breaking up with him in person. He was apparently "keeping track of me" for a little while, definitely bordering on the gray area of stalking, but I think he's hence shooed.

So, I guess the moral of the story is, try to achieve some kind of closure, cause you never know who could turn into a stalker without it.
 
 
Chubby P
08:26 / 28.05.04
After 2 years of going out with my girlfriend she started treating me like shit. I put up with it for months since there was always a reason. She's just stressed because she's leaving uni. She's just stressed because she has no job. She's just stressed because she's moving to London. etc etc. Up to this point I had always been a dumpee and had made the mistake of telling my girlfriend that I don't think I could ever dump someone since I hang on in the hope it will work out. But I had stayed in a relationship for a year too long before and I didn't want to make that mistake again. So in the end I met her in her home town and told her straight. "Its over. I hate our relationship. I don't hate how it was but I hate how it is now." Then I planned on running away. That bit didn't work out. She wouldn't let me go, admitted she'd been a bitch to me and promised to change her ways. That sent me reeling and after a week I decided to give it another go. We started over and 3 years later we're still together. Now its just a blip in our relationship. I have to admit though that I don't know of anyone else who has managed to do this!

If you feel that you have reached the end of the road then maybe you should just discuss things with your partner and let them know how you feel. Tell them that you feel it isn't working anymore. You never know they may feel the same way and with a few compromises you may be able to move the relationship on into something that works again. But if you go for the "lets sit down and discuss the state of our relationship" option be prepared for the whole thing to go pear shaped and the relationship to explode in spectacular fashion there and then!
 
 
imaginary mice
09:35 / 28.05.04
So, I guess the moral of the story is, try to achieve some kind of closure, cause you never know who could turn into a stalker without it.

Last month I finally apologised to someone I hadn’t seen for four years (we never had a relationship, it was a long and painful unrequited love / awkward friendship thing that ended very very badly). I’m so relieved that it’s all finally over and that I no longer need to feel guilty and resentful about it. Meeting up with him has helped me immensely (the number of people I need to apologise to is decreasing at last!). Bit of an extreme example I guess, but yes, closure is important. Things could just drag on forever otherwise.

7 beats to the bar – I’ve been pretty much friendless since I left school seven years ago and I know the reasons why. It’s not something that’s going to change anytime soon, nor would a discussion on the internet resolve any of my issues.
But I see your point – it’s probably the main reason why I become too attached and dependent when I’m in a relationship and it’s not fair on the guy. Which confirms my belief that I should just stay single from now on, even if it’s not much fun…
 
 
William Sack
10:21 / 28.05.04
I would agree with several of the posters here that timing is very important when it comes to breaking up. But the manner of the break-up is also important - breaking up with someone on the first day of a 2 week holiday in one of the smallest skiing resorts in Switzerland is poor timing. Breaking up during a public drunken screaming match complete with false allegations of infidelity, swearing and melodramatic weeping, witnessed by practically everyone in said resort just compounds it.
 
 
Cat Chant
10:35 / 28.05.04
(1) Never saw the problem with being single: I was single for most of my twenties, and the only hard times I had were when I idiotically slept with people without making it clear that I had no intention of not staying single. I'm now living with a lover, which I'm thoroughly enjoying, but I certainly don't think being in a relationship is worth it just for the sake of it - think of all the time it takes up! But I suppose the fact that I don't see the problem with being single makes me a bad counsellor for people who do.

(2) When I went over to Australia to see my gf last year, I spent a fair proportion of my six-week visit there being dragged all round the country meeting her significant exes, many of whom are extremely strong and solid parts of her support network now. Some of that is probably because there were only so many dykes in the Women's Movement in the seventies, and if you stopped speaking to the ones you broke up with then pretty soon you had no-one left to speak to - but it's one of those things I think mainstream cultures should learn from. If you can put the energy into going out for x number of years, and you can then put the right kind of energy into breaking up, healing and moving on, why not put some energy later on into rebuilding/retaining the good bits of the dynamic between you?

Though I'll admit some of that is just because I'm pissed off with my best friend/ex/ex-best-friend, who stopped speaking to me after fifteen years of increasingly romantic (but never actually sexual) friendship because I slept with someone else. I feel like - if you drew a map of all the places I keep my head and my thoughts and my history and my life, a lot of it would be on my bookshelves, a lot of it would be in my diaries and my hard drive, some of it would be in my body, and a fair bit of it would be in her body, and it sucks to have no connection to that any more. Also, I don't actually get why she's not talking to me any more, and it's painful to realize that I have to make sense of that for myself, rather than having her collaboration: that copyrights over our relationship have been divided up, that we're no longer creating something together.

None of which is helpful to anyone at all, I shouldn't think. Hey ho.
 
 
Ethan Hawke
11:38 / 28.05.04
I feel like - if you drew a map of all the places I keep my head and my thoughts and my history and my life, a lot of it would be on my bookshelves, a lot of it would be in my diaries and my hard drive, some of it would be in my body, and a fair bit of it would be in her body, and it sucks to have no connection to that any more.

Sucks is too mild a word, I think. This is the hardest part of ending a significant relationship, in my opinion. I'm trying to think of a name for the feeling of wishing you could remember the past clearly and have access to it forever. It's not nostalgia - which is a longing for the events themselves, and something I personally find kind of objectionable - but a desire to preserve memories not so that you could necessarily relive them but because they're just part of you, part of who you've become.
 
 
Jack Denfeld
12:21 / 28.05.04
Fucking hell Von Kobra! COuld you put some kind of "don't start your day off by reading this post" spoiler? I totally jumped from sad to shocked reading your post. Damn. Fuck. Hang in there? SHit. Man, just.....man. I want to give you a hug or buy you a drink or something. Damn. Must go lay down.
 
 
Spaniel
12:41 / 28.05.04
The following is dedicated to those who have yet to experience the true horror of a nasty split.

Just you wait.

My last serious break up was so horribly horrific it put me off relationships for years. There was nothing particularly novel about it - I loved her, she didn't love me, and was fucking another bloke - normal stuff.
But the pain, bugger me: feeling physically sick for weeks, being unable to eat or sleep (and, by God, you want to sleep, just for a moment's respite - and then the bitch turns up in your dreams!), being unable to get her off your mind, and prevent yourself from dwelling upon the most torturous imaginings. Only finding solace in extreme boozery. And that's just the start of it.

Gotta, agree with the analysis above - if we didn't blank it out we'd never get back on the horse.
 
 
8===>Q: alyn
16:03 / 28.05.04
Todd: to preserve memories not so that you could necessarily relive them but because they're just part of you, part of who you've become.

I frequently have the feeling that I could call the number my ex-girlfriend used when we first met, and talk to her as she was then. It just seems absurd that she's no longer reachable there. Likewise, the plaza at the World Trade Center, where I spent many a deeply depressed lunch hour brooding over cigarettes, is simply gone. Weird.
 
 
STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK
08:25 / 30.05.04
I guess to an extent I'm the exception- one of my best friends in the world is an ex-girlfriend. HOWEVER... when we split up, it was indeed fucking horrible. She dumped me for another mutual friend, who then started treating her like shit. We were still living together, although we both moved out soon afterwards.
To be honest, the only reason we were talking to each other at all was because we had joint custody of the dog! For a very long time, it was absolute hell.
BUT... having been forced to hang out (thanks dog!) we eventually ended up the best of friends. I know that's rare, and by Christ it hurt getting there, but it can happen. (And I got to keep the dog! Yay me!)

I'm currently having a non-sexual breaking-up thing going on... Myself and mono have just told my long-term (6 years) flatmate and best friend that yes, we're moving out. She didn't actually throw anything (well, she is on Valium) but there was a fair bit of crying. Seriously, it felt like the end of a relationship. I'm currently avoiding her because I don't know what to say.
 
 
grant
19:29 / 15.01.05
imaginary mice, I feel obligated to tell you that not only did I turn your post into a song, but I taught it to a handful of prog rock fans and we've started singing this song out -- I'm not really sure what I think about the band but I'm fairly pleased with the song, so thank you.

There's a demo version of it here, recorded late at night all by myself in the dining room, trying to be very quiet:
http://grantimatter.com/originals%20%20engineering

and a live version, first performance for the band, with some kinda weird sound going on here:
http://www.spamishinquisition.com/biggles/music/STC/

It's a little too fast, and the drummer was a last minute replacement -- and I had to skip the central profanity because it was at a library benefit with clowns and face painters and stuff.

So, there it is.
 
 
Benny the Ball
22:07 / 15.01.05
I broke up with someone that followed this pattern;

Met, went on dates, started seeing each other, she moved over seas for work, she came back and moved in, we moved into a new place together, I went overseas for work, I came back, I realised that we weren't getting on, I slept in the spare room, we argued, I tried to break up and was told to think about it, she bought house that we moved into, we argued, I tried to break up, told to think about it, I worked overseas and told her that I'd not contact her so that I could clear my head and make a definate decission, she came to visit (on valentines day!) asked my decission, I told her that it was over, we broke up.

That all took two and a half years.

It's a shame because she was fun and we got on okay, but she was of an age for settling and wanting families etc, and I wasn't sure if she was the one (and was I ever right).

It sounds flippent to summerise like this, but I really did go through breaking up with her for almost a year, and it was horribly draining for both of us.
 
 
gravitybitch
23:32 / 15.01.05
Absolutely have to add my piece...

Yes, relationships have their ups and downs. And, yes, in a long-term relationship, you can go through periods of time where you're room-mates, good friends, but not lovely-dovey...

However. It sounds like your S.O. wants something (romance) that she's not letting you give her... and it's worth having a serious conversation (probably several) about that.

Breaking up in a civilized fashion has to be mutual. And, no, there's never a good time to break up, but HAVE THAT TALK and find out if it's what needs to happen.
 
 
Mourne Kransky
00:45 / 16.01.05
Breaking up is crap. You suffer horribly. But what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger and more attuned to what will work for you - really does - and it's time-limited. Before you know it, you're enjoying the single life again. And, if you want it, the person of your dreams is waiting to snap you up when you least expect it and whoopeee! I have found this to be true after going through the process three times now. The Universe is kind, eventually...

You have to brave enough to take the risk now and then.
 
  

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