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Underground > Conversation >

How fucked up am I?

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07:04 / 13.05.04

Hello and welcome to this thread.

I have decided to focus on my love-life because my life in general isn’t actually that bad at the moment and I wouldn’t score very highly.

So here’s my analysis:

Name: Imaginary Mice
Age: 26 next month (numbers in brackets below show my age at the time)

1. Unrequited love:
Guy #1 (17-20), duration: 2.5 years
Guy #2 (20-22), duration: 2.5 years
Guy #3 (23+), duration: 2 years (ongoing – also see relationship #2 below)
Total years of being in love with someone who isn’t the slightest bit interested: 7

Conclusion: This deserves a high score.

Fuckedupness points: 10/10

2. Relationships:
“Relationship” #1 (22), duration: 5 weeks
Relationship #2 (23), duration: 6.5 months (also see Guy #3 above)
“Relationship” #3 (25), duration: 1 month
Total duration: 8.5 months

Conclusion: I’m convinced that the 6-months-thing was just a one-off, the other “relationships” were really just fuck-buddy-ships, so don’t count.

Fuckedupness points: 9/10

3. Getting dumped
Number of times I got dumped vs. the number of times I dumped someone: 3/0

Conclusion: Maximum points!

Fuckedupness points: 10/10

4. Sex
Total amount of time spent in a relationship: 8.5 months (see above)
Number of one-night-stands (estimate): 10 (this is on average less than twice a year for the past 8 years – pathetic!)

Conclusion: dire!

Fuckedupness points: 9/10

5. Morrissey bonus points:
“there's a club if you'd like to go/ you could meet somebody who really loves you/ so you go and you stand on your own/ and you leave on your own/ and you go home and you cry and you want to die”

Yep, been there, done that countless times.

Fuckedupness points: 10/10

GRAND TOTAL: 48/50

I rule!

Scrambled Password Bogus Email

08:10 / 13.05.04

I feel all grubby.

No star here laces

08:30 / 13.05.04

Total current debt: circa 12,000 UKP
Total debt amassed through student loans: 4,500 UKP
Total savings: 0 UKP
Total debt amassed through loans, credit cards and overdrafts and used to buy unneccessary luxuries: 20,000 UKP
Estimated amount spent on cocaine while living in London: 8,000 UKP
Estimated lifetime spend on drugs: at least 20,000 UKP
Estimated lifetime spend on booze: dunno

Most expensive item of clothing owned: Dries van Noten linen suit, 600 UKP

Things that I could have bought with this money but didn't: house, car, pension

Number of lives that could have been saved by giving this money to charity: at least 2,000

Things I do own: Records (c 2,000 vinyl 12"s), clothes (over 2 wardrobes full including 4 suits, 10 pairs of jeans, 6 pairs of Nikes), comics (4 long boxes)

08:45 / 13.05.04

Total number of messageboards I have been King of: 1.

I RULE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOHOO! YEAH YEAH, CAN I GET AN ENCORE, DO YOU WANT MORE

10:34 / 13.05.04

Size of font required to accurately convey the volume of the scream I let out whenever I sustain a slight blow to the head (a weekly occurance, the most recent being last night): 999,000 (ie: "AAARRGGHHH!!!! FUUUUCK! BOLLOCKS!" in IMPACT, bold, size 999000)

Whale... Whale... Fish!

10:57 / 13.05.04

Number of times I thought about fish yesterday: 47
Number of times I thought I was a fish yesterday: 1
Minutes spent staring longingly at the fish counter in tesco's yesterday: 18
Was I really stoned all day yesterday? Yes
Do I need to think less about fish and more about what I should be doing? Probably.

Number of suits owned: 1

11:08 / 13.05.04

Tuition Fees, Postgrad, total for three years: £7,500
Briefcase, bought in a flurry of professionalism: £150
Business suit, tailored for conference: S$350 (£100)
Realising that regardless of you having spent three years slaving away at a thesis and trying to teach fuckwitted unsergrads what you know, nobody will ever take you seriously or show the faintest degree of interest in your work: Priceless.

Disillusionment comes naturally. For everything else, there's Masturbation.

13:26 / 13.05.04

Pussies.

Name- Nobody's Girl

Age- 25 on the 31st May

Date of Exams- 15th May and 7th June

Age left school- 16

Reason- Thought school sucked

Shit jobs worked due to poor qualifictions-

1. Checkout girl,

2. Gift shop assistant,

3. Nursery Assistant (a bit like being a Nursery Nurse only you get paid 400 UKP a month for full-time work),

4. Personal Assistant to Embittered Disabled Woman (a bit like being a Nursery Assistant only with adults and 24hr shifts),

5. Assistant Respiratory Technician (great way to meet people who are dying)

Jobs where bosses were suspicious of my intelligence- 5

Amount of times attempted to gain access to University through various college courses- 4

Years on the dole- cumulatively about 2

Houses evicted from due to slow housing
benefit processing- 3

Kicked out of family home because evil stepfather wanted a study- Once

All possessions stolen by greedy landlord- Once

Officially homeless and living in
scary homeless hostel- Once

Lived in poorly managed supported
accommodation (Schizophrenic, alcoholic neighbour with high support needs in low support needs housing. And he was one of the nice ones)- 1 year

Times the police were called out to poorly managed supported accommodation whilst resident- 104 (approx twice a week, no exaggeration.)

Years mental health problems went undiagnosed- 8

Years mental health problems went untreated- 12

Years recovering from bad side effects of contraceptive shot Depo-Provera- 2 1/2

Shitty one night stands/relationships- 10

Times been dumped- 7

Accumulated debt- approx 3000-4000 UKP (not inclusive of council tax debt)

13:45 / 13.05.04

Buttons on nearest remote control: 32
Remote controls on desk: 3
Remote controls in drawer: 6
Approximate remote control buttons I could press: 288
Remote control buttons pressed today: 0
Shoelaces tied today: 3

Tryphena Absent

13:50 / 13.05.04

Hours spent thinking about Vivienne Westwood shoes in past week: 3.25

Hours spent thinking about ballet shoes in past week: 2

Hours spent thinking about flamenco shoes in past week: 2.5

Hours spent thinking about Morris dancing shoes in past week: 5

Hours spent thinking about getting a job in order to buy shoes in past week: 1.5

No star here laces

14:03 / 13.05.04

Anna wins.

Phex: Dorset Doom

14:16 / 13.05.04

Name: XXXXXXXXX
Alias: 'phex'
Age: 20
Significant Relationships:
15-17: Schizophrenic, self-confessed Nazi (I'm half Jewish), left me for best friend.
19: Had to lie about my age, background, interests and 'experience' in order to lose virginity. The girl left me the next day. Now refusing to return my calls. The lies I told bled out into my social group so nobody has any idea who I am.
One-night stands: None.
Pornography on hard-drive: 24.9 gb

Psychiatric history: Depression 17-19, perscribed 20mg Fluoxetine daily, side effects included mania, self-harm, psychosis and catatonia, a period spent with my eyes open for 45 minutes left me with permanent retina damage. Insomnia, 12-ongoing, average of two hours sleep a night.

Morrisey Bonus points: "I'm not the man you think I am/I'm sorrow's native son/I will not smile for anyone/and pretty girls make graves"

pointless and uncalled for

14:38 / 13.05.04

I work for the government.
I start work at 7:30am.
I'm broke.
I'm single.
I have spent less than 3% of my life in any kind of serious relationship.
I'm lonely.
I haven't got a clue.
Unlike you, I don't get to be lucky that I'm not me.

20:54 / 13.05.04

Time spent reading this thread: 2mins 48secs.

21:02 / 13.05.04

On the plus side, you'll all stop worrying so much as you grow a little older.

Wish I hadn't wasted all that time worrying about the future when I was in my twenties. Never made a blind bit of distance to anything and I could have been having fun instead.

21:04 / 13.05.04

and by "distance" I meant "difference" clearly. Freudian slip. Thank God I'm old.

22:42 / 13.05.04

Total value of essential gadgets carried on person: minimum $500, maximum $3,200*

% disposable income spent on gadgets: about 40. But then I do have to pay things like rent and food.

Hours spent agonising about whether to get latest Powerbook: 16 and counting

Hours spent agonising about which model of latest Powerbook to get if one is purchased: 20 and counting

Hours spent in serious agonies of guilt after publishing real name connected to "fridgemagnet" alias on public PGP database: at least 24

Number of times switched between using Livejournal and Movable Type to run shitty blog with no change to readers whatsoever: 4 so far, I think

Number of times considered switching between LJ and MT: christ, hundreds

I don't even want to go further with the blogging thing.

* Maximum is based on: iBook w mouse and Bluetooth adaptor, Tungsten T, S/E T616, iPod, DV camcorder, backup camera, various cables. Although someone just nicked the camera. Which means I'll have to buy an even more expensive one.

Hattie's Kitchen

11:16 / 14.05.04

Age: 31
Amount of debt: £5000
Number of serious and fulfilling relationships: 1
Years wasted obssessing over unobtainable significant other: 2
Years wasted being unobtainable to other people: 4
Number of scars: 6
Number of born-again Christian flatmates: 1
Amount spent on ecstasy: £3000+
Amount spent on booze: £15000+
Amount spent on fags: £2500
Amount of martial arts vids/DVDs: 37
Amount spent on playstation2 games: £500
Amount of bikes stolen: 4

Jesus, no wonder I'm single.

12:31 / 14.05.04

You stole four bikes? That's evil.

12:35 / 14.05.04

Xoc is right.

And there's nothing WRONG with wasting x amount on booze and drugs, it seems much better than spending your cash on a flash flat or car or the latest labels, seeing as in the former example you're a menace to yourself, on a bad night, whereas in the latter you're a bore to everyone, pretty much constantly.

Hattie's Kitchen

12:41 / 14.05.04

I don't regret spending money on booze and drugs, I just regret some of the things I've done while boozed/drugged...but then doesn't everyone, natch.

I would never ever dream of stealing someone's bike, fridge, especially not after each of my lovely four bikes has been stolen by some rancid little fucker - I could never put someone else through that heartbreaking moment when you step outside the door and find your beloved cycle vanished into the ether. But I'd happily break the legs of the cockdrips that stole them. Oh yes.

12:43 / 14.05.04

wow, my life is pretty fucking great, guys - thanks, everyone, for sucking more than me!

Hattie's Kitchen

12:47 / 14.05.04

You say that now...

14:16 / 14.05.04

Number of exams failed last November: 2

Exam entry fee paid today: £335 (CUNTS! YOU FUCKING CUNTS!)

Number of weekends I will have to sacrifice for revision: - oh no, let's not even go there

14:38 / 14.05.04

Unlike you, I don't get to be lucky that I'm not me.

You mean I've finally found someone who wants to trade?!

18:57 / 14.05.04

Hey, this looks like fun. Let's see...

Age: 28
Years in college: 4.5
Years out of college: 7
First Job: Secretary
Current Job: Secretary
All intervening jobs: Secretary
Children: 0
Cats: 2
Total number of people who would probably notice within a week if I vanished without a trace: 4 (not counting cats)

On second thought, not so much fun really. Maybe I should think about shoes more...

19:22 / 14.05.04

to quote (as accurate as i can remember) Philip K Dick -
'all in all we come from dust and will end as dust so i think were doing quite well'

19:26 / 14.05.04

1. Age: 30 (next month)
2. Years in college: 6
3. College Programs taken: 2
4. College Programs finished: 0
5. First job: Working for architectural firm
6. Current Job: various freelance artsy stuff
7. Job inbetween: (excluding freelance arsty stuff) work a for leather importer
8. Relationships: 3
9. Serious Relationships: 0 (actually 1 but it was serious in a knife throwing attempted stabbing bad (not by me!!) serious way)
10. Unrequited love: 24yrs (damn kindergarten sweethearts!!!)
11. Getting Dumped: 1
12. Total Current Debt. 0!!!
13. Total Savings: 0
14. Estimated Amount spent on drugs (booze) excluding homemade booze: $7000 min
15. Most expensive item of clothing owned: Simon Chang watch
16. Number of times I though about fish yesterday: 2
17. Number of suits owned: 1
18. Number of houses arsoned by punkassed punks: 1
19. Number of remote controls: 6
20. Number of times gone into fit of artistic rage and thrown computer parts accross the room: 4
21. Number of times gone into fit of artistic rage and thrown art supplies accross the room: 5 (this is quite impressive when one of those art supplies is an 11ft oak easle)
22. Number of times I've deleted my computer due to fit of artistic rage: 3

But besides all that I'm generally a happy person.

Red Cross Iodized Salt

08:43 / 15.05.04

Hours spent agonising about whether to get latest Powerbook: 16 and counting

If getting the Powerbook does not mean the difference between eating and not eating or being able to pay the rent and being homeless...then get the Powerbook.

(15" w/ the fastest processor. Don't bother with a superdrive, you'll probably never use it)

Red Cross Iodized Salt

08:45 / 15.05.04

In keeping with the thread topic...

I'm not very good at self-examination, I find that it interferes with my self-delusion.

14:09 / 15.05.04

Son of a Prophet: check.

Late night conversations with a spirit manifesting as Rei Ayanami: check.

Fan of Yasunao Tone: check.

Strange sensation of becoming a woman while walking home one night: check.

Belief that I am the anthropomorphic personification of malaria: check.

Tying the sprit of my Grandfather to a tree with vines until the spirit and the tree merged: check.

Beaten up within the last week: check.

Have seen and conversed with angels: check.

Less than perfect relationships: none of your business.

Belief that I am powered by a black hole in my chest: check.

Amount of money spent on music: Far too much to be able to count.

Amount of money spent on various facets of the sex industry: none of your business.

Three month collaborative project to communicate with an entity that may only exist within a comic/PKD book, then finding the meaning of life in the stated core values of a gigantic multi-national bank (did I mention that the project involved Saving the World?): check.

Have seen Van Helsing: check.

Deep seated belief that I will live my life happy and healthy and whole: check.

Fucked up? Not at all, thank you very much. See the last point above. It tends to override everything else.

15:04 / 15.05.04

Seth's post wins.

15:11 / 15.05.04

He had me at hello.

Phex: Dorset Doom

15:13 / 15.05.04

Jeez, when's the movie dude?

No star here laces

16:26 / 15.05.04

Seth, you've just restored my faith in several different things.

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