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I Am Not In Love or Lust with Someone Unobtainable

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Regrettable Juvenilia

14:59 / 16.04.04

Please help, all my life since early childhood I have had crushes on people I could not have, and now I find that this is not the case. I feel deeply alienated from both my peers and my past. Can you give me any words of widom, empathy or comfort, Barbelith?

Goodness Gracious Meme

15:01 / 16.04.04

Stop Whining and Adopt

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

15:02 / 16.04.04

Kill 'em all.

Nielsen's dog will lick your face from beyond the grave.

15:03 / 16.04.04

Put a sock in it. Quit whining. Show some stiff upper lip and let go of your mother's apron! BE A REAL MAN! ROOOAAAAR!!!!!

15:04 / 16.04.04

I've been there, dude. In fact, I am there. I'm in a totally requited long-term relationship and it's TEARING. ME. APART. The trick is not to take it one day at a time, but instead plan your life several years in advance, refusing to change your plans to adapt to new situations or reality.

No star here laces

15:06 / 16.04.04

Find yourself a celebrity to obsess over. Ideally a sensitive indie singer-songwriter. Defend them fervently and without recourse to reason on internet message boards. Masturbate every night while imagining them singing to you, just you, and keep all the semen in a special jar.

15:07 / 16.04.04

15:12 / 16.04.04

...what is that thing? A beige death-star with a horn? A mutant armadillo?

15:13 / 16.04.04

I found a stack of issues of old Smash Hits magazines and similar, so maybe you could look through them until you find someone appropriate to have a crush on? Since they are very old, it is likely that there might be a poster of someone you once had a crush on in one of them (if you ever had a crush on anyone that might have appeared in those kind of magazines, that is), so maybe you could just redevelop that crush and tear out a poster to stick on your wall? If you can't decide on anyone, we could decide for you, and spraypaint walls with (for example) the words "Flyboy loves ALF", so even if you don't really have a crush on ALF, everyone thinks you do, and maybe eventually you will believe it too.

15:15 / 16.04.04

(Don't feel alienated, have a crush on an alien.)

Goodness Gracious Meme

15:15 / 16.04.04

Q:Grey Area: ...what is that thing?
A:Jefe: Masturbate every night while imagining them singing to you, just you, and keep all the semen in a special jar

15:19 / 16.04.04

...I feel strangely violated now.

15:19 / 16.04.04

Don't be gross.

I thinkyou are all being really insensitive. Flyboy is clearly missing a chromosome or something and deserves our sympathy & support, not scorn and mockery.

Fuck you, Barbelith. You suck.

15:21 / 16.04.04

flyboy, i think you should take this a notch up beyond having a crush on someone unattainable like a celebrity, and develop a crush on someone *dead*. cos that's really the ultimate, now, innit. plus it's a little bit goth!

No star here laces

15:23 / 16.04.04

Like Wendy James!

15:23 / 16.04.04

A bag of sweeties and a ride in my car to anyone who can correctly identify the object in my picture.

15:30 / 16.04.04

is it.......a coconut?

No star here laces

15:32 / 16.04.04

A moldy ferrero rocher in a small glass bowl?

15:32 / 16.04.04

is it.......a rubber-band ball, hand crafted in idle moments during your time as a clerk in an office supply store, with a horn?

15:33 / 16.04.04

It's the world's largest ball of twine as seen from the moon.

No star here laces

15:35 / 16.04.04

One of those balls of poo that dung beetles like to play with?

STOATIE LIEKS CHOCOLATE MILK

15:36 / 16.04.04

I like squirmelia's suggestion... Fly, crush on Nik Kershaw.
I'm sure he'd thank you for it.

15:42 / 16.04.04

One of those balls of poo that dung beetles like to play with...with a horn?

16:33 / 16.04.04

It's obviously a kiwifruit with a horn. God.

16:40 / 16.04.04

God is a horned kiwifruit? It all suddenly makes sense.

16:47 / 16.04.04

spending the last 15 years solid as a serial monogamist, I am finding that not only do I ENJOY being single, but I have even been taking steps to carry on in this status.

I feel like singlehood is my calling - I'm so good at it! I can't help but wonder if I've wasted my decade and a half career by not sharing more of my wealth of experience-won expertise and natural talent.

I should teach.

16:58 / 16.04.04

Wait... Wendy James is dead?

17:05 / 16.04.04

Flyboy, I'm going to have to give you some harsh words. Think of it as tough love, because though we've never met I somehow think of you as the twin I never absorbed in the womb. So... give yourself a reality check. Take all your money and go and give it to the smelliest, most desperate-looking tramp you can find and ask him to give you a blow job. Then go and kick a dog. The fact is, you are NEVER going to not find yourself in love with a celebrity, or a sportsperson, your best friend's mum, the wife of your next door neighbour or even the monarch of a small central European principality. GET OVER IT. The sooner you do, the sooner you can start living your life and just one day, you might see a photograph in the Daily Star or catch sight of someone on the red carpet at a premiere and you'll know. You'll know you've seen the one unattainable ideal you can devote your life to fretting over.

It's going to happen for you. Trust me. Grant Morrison told me it would in a dream.

17:50 / 16.04.04

I think you should develop a crush on a long-dead silent movie star. That's where it's at.

Our Lady Has Left the Building

17:54 / 16.04.04

I'm obviously going to have to lock this thread before the Boy Fly tries to edit his previous posts to make out that he was asking for help on behalf of a friend who, though a frequent poster on this board didn't want to bring it up themselves, or that he didn't mean it because he was lusting after someone unobtainable all along.

18:08 / 16.04.04

Look, you're all missing the point, which is of course that that...thing...fridgemagnet posted is in fact a picture of a protrusion into our dimension of a fragment from another dimension where FlyBoy can't get a date to save his life and therefore ends up being one of those old men who wear gloves with the fingers cut out, minding ancient used bookstores in dark corners of Bizarro London, capitol of the British Empire 2047. It all makes sense now.

18:10 / 16.04.04

That's a coconut, you dillweed.

18:23 / 16.04.04

18:47 / 16.04.04

Childhood's end. Your Barbe-royalty membership is revoked.

18:51 / 16.04.04

Dillweed? Did you just call me a DILLWEED??? Well, people without wheel-barrows shouldn't shovel shit. That's all I have to say to that.

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