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Well, yeah, "Some Kind of Wonderfull" would have made up for "Pretty in Pink" if it weren't for one tiny detail. The Purdy Pink Prom Princess removes the over-priced earrings of lurve from her perfect lobes and in her best Obi-Wan deadpan tells our clueless hero "These aren't the breasts you're looking for". Off trots sparky, still reeling from a clue-by-four to the head, to hand 'his future' to the one likeable character in the whole damn film. The bland begin to play and I'm just about to blub like big, fat, hairy baby when she puts them straight into her own ears. Dude! Those things have just spent the rest of the evening spearing through someone else's flesh! We know you've heard of peroxide 'cos we can see your trailer-park roots. Now, any time I hear that song, any version of that song, all I can think about are those blood-encrusted nickel bars worming their way through her body.
No, I'm not over-reacting.
And the ewoks don't ruin ROTJ - finding out that Darth Vader is Humpty Dumpty in a gimp suit did that already.
I'm not sure about the ending of 'The Return of the King', either. Sitting through endless tearful hobbit farewells I was losing the will to live, but that could just have been because I could no longer feel my legs. Two things perked me up though: why is the ship sailing from the Grey Havens so damned small? I know thay've only got to take three or four people on that trip, but were all the ocean-going vessels booked for retired Rohirrin cruises? Also, and I am by no means the first to point it out, but no soon as our brunette hero has sailed into the next world, than his blonde side-kick returns home to his equally Aryan wife and out run two dark-haired children...
Worst ending evah? 'Starship Troopers'. You still want to claim it's a satire on Fascism, Mr. Verhoeven? Never mind that the dramatic resolution is to a plot thread you only introduced in the last quarter of the film, never mind that your characters appear to have learned nothing, and have just reverted back to the precise positions they were in at the start of the movie ignoring any developments or history between them from the last hour-and-a-half of my life, fuck all that, why are they so damned happy? Square-face has just had the the woman he's finally fallen in love with replaced by the emotionless robot who dumped him for more nights with her joystick, Doogie Howser has joined the SS and can now control and patrol everyone's thoughts, Zim will be cannon fodder in the very next attack wave, but hey, Denise's hair still looks good after a prolonged fire-fight. Yeah, cut back to the alienation device you cheap hack - we won't spot that you only filmed a third of the screenplay. Bastard. |
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