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Barbelith Bake-Off 2004

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Matthew Fluxington

21:32 / 03.03.04

This is the thread for the BAKE-OFF. This is where we discuss the BAKE-OFF, and work out the terms of the competition. This is the one thread for all of your BAKE-OFF needs.

Persephone

21:46 / 03.03.04

Will pizza stones be allowed?

Do you want my recipe for thin-crust pizza, Todd? It's really good.

gingerbop

21:50 / 03.03.04

Clearly, all baked goods would need to be tested by the same panel to provide consistency in judging. Which is why you will all send your entries to me.

I will enter my cherry and whisky cake, date and walnut loaf, and queenly pancakes.

Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!

22:05 / 03.03.04

I'm totally gonna bake you off, mutha fucka!

Ethan Hawke

22:13 / 03.03.04

I'm planning on using a pizza stone. I must have it for SOME reason.

Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!

22:14 / 03.03.04

I'm seriously gonna bake some brownies soon. I don't know how but I've got skills in my magic fingers.

I wish I had a pizza stone. I wish fantasy books had important artifacts called "pizza stones".

Ethan Hawke

22:15 / 03.03.04

I think my insouciance towards measuring ingredients might back at me in the baking arena, though. I made a mess of the beta test for wearable pancakes this weekend by not accurately counting drops of catalyst.

Persephone

22:18 / 03.03.04

Dude, do you wear a mask when you cook with resin? I just heard a terrible story about this woman who worked with resin.

Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!

22:20 / 03.03.04

Don't measure! Create!

Persephone

22:23 / 03.03.04

On a less alarming note, I think you can be a little fast and loose with bread. But for cakes & cookies, you have to measure.

Ethan Hawke

22:24 / 03.03.04

It wasn't really cooking. It was merely dropping, stirring and pouring, but there were hella fumes and I stupid sat BETWEEN the plastic and fan for a little while, waiting to pour the next layer. Then I was really lightheaded and stupid for awhile. The beer might have contributed to that, though.

Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!

22:25 / 03.03.04

I dispute that. I like to improvise.

Although, I feel like maybe I should point out that one out of three of my last cakes did collapse.

Ethan Hawke

22:25 / 03.03.04

What a coincidence. Fast and loose is how I like my bread.

Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!

22:25 / 03.03.04

(They ALL tasted awesome, though)

Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!

22:26 / 03.03.04

(I don't know what I'm replying to anymore)

Ethan Hawke

22:31 / 03.03.04

Sometimes, cakes that fall apart taste better. Those times, however, are limited to when the cake is mostly frosting.

Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!

22:36 / 03.03.04

Frosting? Icing!

Hey, why are cakes brought together with wintery terms in this manner? What does it all mean?

My cakes are great though. I make them for people's birthdays when I've got no money...

That's all the time!

Ethan Hawke

22:37 / 03.03.04

Who wants to eat cake in the summer? That's what baked alaska's for.

Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!

22:44 / 03.03.04

I'll eat cake anytime.

The Apple-Picker

02:27 / 04.03.04

Pizza stones are pretty excellent for baking something like ciabatta. But I don't trust Todd. I think he's going to run off to Panera and buy a ciabatta.

Todd, I'm going to so school you.

Let's start with this:
Ciabatta is an Italian word for slipper, which the loaf is shaped like.

You're going to shape your ciabatta like a wang, aren't you Todd? You're so sick.

Sax

10:10 / 04.03.04

Can we ban all Jane Asher baking products, please? Especially the blue tins. Unfair advantage.

Ethan Hawke

11:56 / 04.03.04

The Apple-Picker, I'm not the one with a wang-fixation, dear. There are dongs all over your filthy livejournal, and I'm not to blame. Those dongs have YOUR name on them.

Clearly you are worried about my baking prowess. You didn't anticipate the pizza stone, did you? You ever hear of "sandbagging?" Prepare for the pain, nemesis!

My ciabatta is going to be shaped by the daintiest fucking slipper you ever did see, and, oh yes, will be crustier than even your drawers. That's right - I said drawers. You want to go gutter, I can go gutter it up.

---

12:06 / 04.03.04

This is the thread for the BAKE-OFF. This is where we discuss the BAKE-OFF, and work out the terms of the competition. This is the one thread for all of your BAKE-OFF needs.

I thought i was supposed to be the most insane member.

The Apple-Picker

12:07 / 04.03.04

Whatever, Toddius. All it takes is a quick glance at LJ to reveal your perversion. I'm describing my own personal Jesus and then you have to bring the sleaze, asking how big my Jesus' dong is. Saviors do not have dongs.

Oh, and as for your charming hope that I would be taken off-guard by your pizza stone, I have news for you: I have a pizza stone. It's as big as the floor of my oven. Not only do I have that pizza stone, but should you try anything funny, I've got a replacement in the basement--just as big as the other.

I'm so hardcore, I use a fucking peel when I make pizza. Can you say the same, Todd? Can you? I didn't think so. You better don some brass knuckles, boy, 'cause they're your only hope.

Crusty drawers? You're so peurile. And you obviously know nothing about ciabatta. This isn't like your French baguette, bonehead.

Ethan Hawke

12:10 / 04.03.04

DON'T YOU DARE TALK ABOUT MY BAGUETTE THAT WAY!

Olulabelle

12:17 / 04.03.04

Aren't bake-off's supposed to friendly gentle competitions? I am not so sure that arguing about Baguettes is the bake-off way. Aren't you just supposed to be quietly smug about it when you win, and refer to your 'dear ole Granmama's' recipe as the reason for your perfect Ciabatta?

Ariadne

12:23 / 04.03.04

Jesus has no ... my, what strange religion is this? I know his mother was a virgin, so maybe he inherited his eunuch status from Joseph?

Matthew Fluxington

12:24 / 04.03.04

This ain't your granny's bake-off, Olulabelle. This is baking-as-combat, and intimidation is just part of the game.

Ariadne

12:27 / 04.03.04

Given my skill at baking, the results would be quite useful in combat. If I hit you with a scone you'll know about it.

Ethan Hawke

12:27 / 04.03.04

Who is going to judge? How do we judge these things? I know that I wouldn't lie were my bread to be a flop, but The Apple-Picker redefines fraudelent. Downwards!

Let me be the judge.

I wouldn't lie were my bread to be a flop.

Todd's baguette and ciabatta are positively flaccid.

Ethan Hawke

12:48 / 04.03.04

You're only embarrassing yourself, hon.

You started it.

No you!

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