Subcultural engagement for the 21st Century...
Barbelith is a new kind of community (find out more)...
You can login or register.

Underground > Conversation >

Let Me Be Your Life Coach Again

Page: 1(2)

16:34 / 26.02.04

Isn't it always a good idea to buy a gun? This IS America, you know.

16:42 / 26.02.04

In fact, I would disegard all of Fluxington's advice if the first item is not "First, buy a gun."

Matthew Fluxington

16:54 / 26.02.04

Yeah, that's true, Todd. Guns are always helpful.

One thing that I've learned is that when it comes to improving your life, morality never helps anybody. If you've got to shoot somebody to get what you want, then you have to accept that if you want to be successful. All of you should remember that, regardless of your specific dilemma.

Dizfactor: It's clear that you and Hello Kitty are having what I like to call a Communication Crisis. Intimate relationships offer solace, nurturing, support, happiness and fun, but are also sometimes the origin of distress, frustration and deep despair.

The fact that she refuses to respond to you is because you are being unnecessarily demanding and intrusive in your communication with Hello Kitty.

You're both taking extreme positions, and I don't think that you're going to get much out of her by yelling at her and accusing her of horrible things. You need to be respectful of Hello Kitty's emotions. Try to have a calm conversation about this, and she may come clean. Don't "label" Hello Kitty. Personalised attacks will not improve the situation, whereas speaking about specific instances of behavior gives opportunities for changes to be made. As well, try to communicate in an encouraging and positive manner, which shows you are supporting rather than putting her down.

The Apple-Picker

16:58 / 26.02.04

Fluxington, how would I go about getting into businesses like that? How do I make connections in the drug world? I don't want to do drugs. That would syphon off a lot of my profits, yeah? I also don't want to die or go to jail. Tips on this?

For the fashion, how do I make contacts in knock-offs? Who would I seek to invest in my business? I don't have any money for the overhead.

Matthew Fluxington

17:01 / 26.02.04

Don't worry about overhead, because this is where the guns come in handy. Your first step should be to steal some guns.

I know some people who know some people who can get your started on selling drugs. I'll send you a PM.

17:51 / 26.02.04

Yeah thanks Mordant i got that answered earlier today in a coding forum, i felt like a right daft twat. Sorry about the link invasion Fluxy.

19:15 / 26.02.04

wow, you really are a great life coach! i will work on the things you have suggested.

however, i have two questions. first, you said:

'Don't "label" Hello Kitty.'

i don't want to violate her privacy here, but she already has a label. it says "Sanrio" on it, and also has care instructions (which, by the way, were no help at all ... i should have gone straight to a qualified Life Coach). should i rip the label off?

also, well... i want to do what you say about improving our communications, but i have a hard time with blaming her for our communications issues. i know it's not fair to resent her for her disability, but do you think it's fair of me to tell her that i feel like we would be communicating better if she, you know... had a mouth?

there. i've said it.

Matthew Fluxington

14:57 / 27.02.04

Ibis, an important part of making new friends is finding ways to give people what they want, making them like and want to spend time with you. In my experience, most girls who are worth spending time with love bacon double cheeseburgers. So here's an idea - the next time you're making friendly with some girl, skip past the small talk and invite her over to your place for burgers. Eating the burgers will provide an occasion to talk and get to know one another, and if you follow my recipe, she'll love the burgers so much that she'll want to hang out with you all the time.

DOUBLE CHEESEBURGER RECIPE
(makes four patties, two burgers)

One pound ground chuck beef (or turkey if you're lame)
Two kaisar rolls
Quarter pound of sliced cheese (I recommend cheddar, Swiss, American, or muenster)
Four strips of bacon
One tomato, sliced
Half of an onion, chopped
Two leaves of lettuce, shredded
Dill hamburger sliced pickles
Mayonaise
Ketchup
Salt
Pepper

Fry the bacon til well-done, drain on paper towels. Remove grease from the frying pan. Mold the ground chuck into four thin, wide patties. Season with salt and pepper. Fry patties until at least medium rare along with chopped onions. Once one side of the burger is fully browned, let one slice of cheese melt on it as the other side cooks. When the four patties are finished, let the burgers rest on a plate along with the cooked onions. Slice open buns and place each side down on the pan, lightly grilling them for one minute. Once they are grilled, it's time to put together the burger. Place one slice of cheese on top of the bottom slice of each bun. Then put a burger on top of that, cheese side up. Spoon onions on top of the cheese. Place the other burger on top of that cheese side up, and cover that burger with the bacon strips (each of which have been broken in two, so that there is even distribution across the pattie). Dress with tomato slices, pickles, lettuce, mayonaise, and ketchup. Serve immediately.

This will work, I promise. Oh yeah, and dress nicely. Other women appreciate fashion.

15:04 / 27.02.04

I find myself very upset by the treatment of animals in the above post, who should I forward my complaint to?

Matthew Fluxington

15:11 / 27.02.04

Animals? What are you talking about? It's a bacon cheeseburger recipe!

Morlock - groupie for hire

16:20 / 27.02.04

Dear Mr Life Coach Fluxmeister,

I'm having trouble finding a suitable authority figure/trauma/past life to blame for the general suckage of my life.

Can you offer some suggestions?

21:15 / 04.03.04

I feel a lack of romance in my life, but I'm just not sure how to get out of a (not completely unsatisfying) rut of drunken one night stands. What should I do?

Matthew Fluxington

21:22 / 04.03.04

Crunchy, the best way to get yourself to settle down after a period of promiscuity is to knock someone up. If you get some girl pregnant, you HAVE to stay with her. So basically, have sex with more women (obviously men are no good for this sort of thing), never use protection, and you'll find someone to be in love with soon enough. It may be difficult at first, but you'll learn to love whoever you get pregnant out of necessity.

12:31 / 05.03.04

Flux, I followed your advice over the weekend. The burgers were a big hit!! But the girls were, uh, less than impressed with my attire. I thought that pink was still the new black but everyone laughed at me! Can you tell me what's in for Spring 2004?

The Apple-Picker

14:55 / 06.03.04

Ibis, they're morons. Hot pink is exactly where it's at. Do you really want to be hanging out with people so doltish? Find cooler girl friends.

Flux, thank you for the connections in that PM you sent me. Things are moving along very smoothly. I'll let you know how my first sale goes!

Regrettable Juvenilia

19:12 / 07.03.04

Flux, first of all I'd like to thank you for all the advice you gave me last year when I was going through that whole "out-of-work clown" thing. You were a lot of help.

My problem at the moment is very different. There's this bar that me and a bunch of my friends - plus some very groovy, smart, HOTT people I don't know too well - hang out in. Well not so much a bar, it's more a social club - y'know, just a place to hang. I've been going there for years, and although this may sound a little sad, I'm not sure my life would be quite the same without it. Recently, however, it's been overrun by annoying little creepy-crawly vermin, who keep leaving their droppings everywhere.

"So just call the exterminator", I hear you say. Would that it were so simple. Y'see, the guy who runs the place, the people who work there, and most of the clientele - including most of my friends - well, they're liberal sorts. Although everyone I've talked to agrees that the recent infestation is making the club less of a great place to hang out, they don't think it's right to kill or even evict the critters. One time, I even put down some traps and poison, and my friend Lonnie cleared it all up before a single critter could be taken care of.

I keep having these dreams in which I'm wielding a flamethrower now.

I'm at the end of my rope. Your advice would be appreciated.

Solitaire Rose as Tom Servo

02:27 / 08.03.04

I have an ex girlfriend who I have become friends with again after nearly three years of us not speaking, and in the last year we have worked out our past issues, helped each other with rough relationships, worked on a comic strip together we are getting ready to send to publishers and last month I visited her and believe that there are once again sparks between us. She has been on my case before I visited and now is VERY MUCH on my case to find a job in the state she lives in and I am reluctant to change my life on all levels, but this on in particular, especially since she has a boyfriend that she complains about on a regular basis.

My question is, should I sell my Martha Stewart stock now that she has been convicted on all counts?

Page: 1(2)