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Let Me Be Your Life Coach Again

  
  

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Matthew Fluxington
17:34 / 25.02.04
Barbelith, you are special and unique individuals, with your own individual goals, values, talents, interests and personality. You deserve to spend your time doing meaningful work in an enjoyable environment. The more you love what you do, the more likely you are to succeed in all the ways that are important to you - intellectually, socially, and financially!

Your first step is to aim yourself in the right direction - but where to start? I am dedicated to helping you explore that question we all ask ourselves at one time or another: What am I meant to be?

I have the tools, knowledge, and expertise to help you discover the right direction. I'm here to assist you with whatever you need assistance in, from wardrobe, to diet, to finding you a kick-ass orthodontist!

As I can see from all of your posts, your lives have gone to shit while I've been away, but now that I've got my Life Coaching license back, I'm going to fix all of your lives whether you want me to or not!

Let me be your Life Coach. Again.
 
 
8===>Q: alyn
17:52 / 25.02.04
Matthew, would you be my campaign manager? I'm running for President and I'd like to win this time.
 
 
Char Aina
17:56 / 25.02.04
STOP QUESTIONING HIM!
 
 
8===>Q: alyn
17:59 / 25.02.04
Toksik, you seem like a tough-as-nails, no-nonsense kind of guy. Would like to be my Drug Czar?
 
 
Ethan Hawke
18:02 / 25.02.04
Matthew, I'm afraid that other than the people who want to make out with me, most of Barbelith considers me dull. What can I do to improve my Barbelith posting profile so that I will have to use my toes as well as my fingers to count the number of people who wish to make out with me? Note: I am not willing to change my screenname. You suck at that. It seems the only remnant of that fabled experiment is Cash Jackson. Which is an awfully fine remnant, to be sure, but a remnant nonetheless.
 
 
Char Aina
18:07 / 25.02.04
only if i personally get to do ALL the burning off of illegal narcotics.
 
 
Matthew Fluxington
18:19 / 25.02.04
Massykr, I would be honored to be your campaign manager. I will help you to be the best candidate you can be, to secure huge donations, and to craft an image for you that will inspire confidence within the American people.

Todd, I'll do my best to make you likeable, but I can't make any promises. I'll try to figure something out for you.
 
 
MJ-12
18:20 / 25.02.04
to finding you a kick-ass orthodontist

Coincidentally enough, I've always wanted to be a kick-ass orthodontist, but lack the background in dentistry, so I'd be starting from scratch. Do you have any tips on getting grant money, or know of any night-schools that teach this noble art?
 
 
Matthew Fluxington
18:36 / 25.02.04
MJ-12, I've got some good news for you. You know how chiropracters aren't really real doctors, and how you can be a psychologist instead of a medical psychiatrist, or an astrologer instead of an astronomer? It's kinda like this with orthodontistry.

You don't REALLY need to be a dentist to become an orthodontist in most states. You don't even need a special degree most of the time - the overwhelming majority of orthodontists are trained on the job! Unlike other medical disciplines, orthodontistry has more to do with arts and crafts than science. You're mostly just stuffing metal and wires in people's mouths, so it's a lot like sculpture, really. In fact, most orthodontists are hired straight out of art schools!
 
 
Murray Hamhandler
18:47 / 25.02.04
Matthew, I have two overwhelming passions in life: fine arts and porno. I've been looking for a satisfying career path which will allow me to indulge both my love of the arts and the desire to have my sexual exploits filmed in all of their graphic splendor, but nothing seems right for me. Help!

P.S. I'm okay w/bukkake (giving or receiving), but I'm really not a fan of scat. And I'm good w/Photoshop & Illustrator. Thanks!
 
 
Matthew Fluxington
19:00 / 25.02.04
That's a no-brainer, Deric! Porno is HOT in the art world these days. Sure, you're coming into this mid-trend, but there's still loads of cash to be made off of folks who want respectable wank material.

Here's an idea: create an installation which is nothing but a room with all of the walls covered with flat-screen video monitors. On the monitors, run loops of xxx hardcore porn. You should either a) film all of it yourself, with yourself on screen at all times or b) digitally alter the faces on the men (and maybe some of the women) so that it is your face instead. Either way, this is some kind of artistic statement about personalizing an impersonal form of sexuality, or reclaiming these images as part of your sexuality. It should be something like that - you'll figure out some way to spin it.

If you're going to actually star in the porn you're showing in the installation, you can have it be like a sensationalized memoir of your sexual life, and you're confronting people with it or something like that. The room is meant to simulate modern society, where we are inundated with pornography and sexuality at all times. If you want to be really clever with it, you can have bits of tv ads and images of religious iconography, and violence occasionally come on screen.
 
 
Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!
19:02 / 25.02.04
Dear life coach,
(what, you couldn't be a football coach?)

I have long been interested in the art (nay, craft!) of truly "rocking out", and it is my life long ambition to produce a coffee table book on this matter. I just think I've got a lot people should know (I see so many kids trying and failing to truly "rock"). I really feel like this is knowledge that's worth sharing, and I would ask your help in getting this valuable information out in to the public arena. I mean, I see those bands that are popular now, and they just seem amateur-ish. I mean, we need some kind of "blues explosion new soul rock and roll" to keep this thing alive (so many bands just depress me now, that's not what real music is about!).

I hope you can help me live the rock dream, and help save the youth of today.
 
 
Olulabelle
19:27 / 25.02.04
Dear Life Coach

You know that 'coach' is another word for 'teach,' right? And I think the saying goes: 'Those that can, do. Those who can't, teach.'

So does that mean you failed at life then? Coach?
 
 
Char Aina
19:31 / 25.02.04
does no one read the topc abstracts anymore?
is flux dying?
 
 
Matthew Fluxington
19:35 / 25.02.04
Oullabelle, you don't know what you're talking about. I am a fully licensed Life Coach - I do all the time! I do by improving the lives of everyone I coach! What do you do, other than spout silly little cliches that mock hard working, inspirational teachers and life coaches?

Suedehead, I think that you're already on the right track just by making to decision to make your project a coffee table book. I think that's a brilliant way of reaching young people, and showing them what rocking is all about. My question for you is this: have you fully defined for yourself what rock is all about? Once you have this figured out, the rest of the project will fall into place. If you want, I can send over some new cds by Sting, Audioslave, and Melissa Etheridge for inspiration.
 
 
Olulabelle
19:36 / 25.02.04
Toksik: Is flux dying?

No, but by Life Coach definition he's clearly failed at life, and therefore can be grilled extensively.
 
 
pomegranate
20:41 / 25.02.04
If you want, I can send over some new cds by Sting, Audioslave, and Melissa Etheridge for inspiration.

don't forget dave matthews.

flux, what i want to do is write those little books you see in the impulse-buy area at borders. because i am interested in a variety of topics, but don't know enough about any one topic to write a real book, i think these are a good idea for me. plus they are just so cute! how do i break into the world of writing little books, and is it as lucrative as i imagine?
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
21:57 / 25.02.04
No! Beware! I allowed myself to be swayed by Fluxington's advice last time he did this, and now I live in a disused bus garage and eat spoons!

My only comfort in life is a bin-bag of beige crimplene slacks and support tights stolen from outside the local Scope shop, which I use for a matress. My only friend is a left shoe I call Baudlaire.

Fluxington is a sham. A fraud. His filthy advice will ruin you. Fluxington is a BIG SUCK LOSER, and if you listen to him, you'll be a BIG SUCK LOSER-- SQUARED!!!
 
 
Matthew Fluxington
22:08 / 25.02.04
Don't listen to Mordant! I mean, how seriously are you going to take a person who eats SPOONS? She's Kuh-rayyy-Zeeeee!

Praying Mantis, there's a lot of money in miniature publishing, but you have to work with the existing publishers since the market is so small that it may be impossible to successfully self-publish. As you say, these cute little books don't require much in the way research or work, but passion is mandatory! The first step for you is to think of which subjects you really care about, and would be appropriate for a brief, fact-light/image-heavy miniature book. Once you have that sorted out, I'll start on phase two with you: finding a publisher to put out your mini masterpiece!
 
 
The Apple-Picker
23:24 / 25.02.04
Matthew Fluxington, I have been a failure at getting a job for nearly a year now. What can I do? I don't have enough plasma to sell to make the kind of money that I need to support myself.

What do you suggest? I won't get naked, but it's okay to exploit my beauty. I'm not thin enough for catalogues, though.
 
 
diz
00:49 / 26.02.04
Dr. Fluxington, my stuffed Hello Kitty has a terrible, terrible rash. She won't admit it, but I say it stems from that tryst she had with that unsavory Geordi La Forge fellow from the future. And no matter how many times I spank her and scream "No, no, no! No Geordi!" she just sits there, saying nothing.

How do I get her to admit what she did, so that the healing can begin? Of the rash, I mean.
 
 
bio k9
01:54 / 26.02.04
Poke fun all you want.

Last time Matthew started a life coach thread I was dealing with some really serious family problems and didn't really want to hear or accept the advice he was giving me. I mean, how are a new haircut and a studded belt going to change my life?

But a funny thing happened. I couldn't get Matthews advice out of my head. It was like a little voice in the back of my head telling me to make that change. My problems weren't really all that bad. Like he said in one of his PMs: "there are some people with no home, not a nickel to loan" and there I was, whining because I don't get to paint for a living. Finally, I took his advice. I went into the bathroom, looked in the mirror and said "I'm gonna make a change for once in my life." And you know, it felt real good.

I went to Old Navy and bought some new clothes, polished up my belt and got my hair trimmed. Stand up and lift yourself, now! I feel like a new man.

Thanks, Matthew! You've given me a fresh look at life!
 
 
---
05:14 / 26.02.04
Hi there life coach,

I've just started making a page of links in my hosting account that's in alphabetical order, and a couple of the letters/links aren't showing up : G and H.

Now it's either me or the computer, can you put this into a text editor and see if the letters G and H and the corresponding links show up please?



Links

A
Abhidhammatha SangathaAntionline
B
BodhidharmaBarbelith
C
Celtic HeartChaos Matrix
D
E
F
Fade To BlackFusionanomaly
G
H
Hyperhistory
I
J
K
Kerrang
L
M
N
Norse Mythology
O
P
Platform Sutra
Q
R
S
Snapfiles
T
The Secret Doctrine





Also, can you ask the higher powers when my karma will get a little better?

Yours faithfully,

****** *****

(Jack Frost)
 
 
---
05:18 / 26.02.04
BASTARD!!!!

The thing came out in real HTML i forgot about that!!!

Ok then, just the karma question life coach.

Fellow 'lithers, do the letters G and H and the corresponding links show up on your browsers? If not then fuck knows because i'm almost certain that teh code is ok. Ah, mods, can you check the code if you also get the same problem as me and tell me what's wrong please?

holding out for the life coaches karma advice,

JF
 
 
Alex's Grandma
05:44 / 26.02.04
Oi Matthew, alone here by the stained glass window, I've got her blood on my hands and I'm still so angry, her afternoon lover is dead in the bath - CRIKEY ! I'm gonna do bird unless I get out the country, I can barely contwol meself.
 
 
---
05:54 / 26.02.04
Do the letters G and H from my links show up in your browsers!
 
 
Olulabelle
07:06 / 26.02.04
Jack: NO.

I think your question might be too hard for a life coach.
 
 
---
07:52 / 26.02.04
Thanks Olulabelle, i'll take it to a computer forum then, i'm totally confizzled with this one.
 
 
Olulabelle
08:12 / 26.02.04
[Total threadrot now]

Jack you are right to confizzled. (Can I have that please?) I have had a look and I can't see what's wrong either. Not that I claim to be a programming expert or anything, but it's a simple thing...

Possibly there has been a little G and H eating monster living on all of our machines all this time, but which has only come out of hibernation today.

[Now total threadrot end]
 
 
Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!
12:56 / 26.02.04
Suedehead, I think that you're already on the right track just by making to decision to make your project a coffee table book. I think that's a brilliant way of reaching young people, and showing them what rocking is all about. My question for you is this: have you fully defined for yourself what rock is all about? Once you have this figured out, the rest of the project will fall into place. If you want, I can send over some new cds by Sting, Audioslave, and Melissa Etheridge for inspiration.

You may be a life coach - but I know how to rock (man!)
It's hardly likely that I would even think about doing this if I didn't know the genius of Sting, is it? I mean, I was thinking of trying to get some deal to package a few cds with it. I think it would definitely appeal to the "youth" of today.
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
13:24 / 26.02.04
THEY LISTENED TO FLUXINGTON
 
 
Less searchable M0rd4nt
13:28 / 26.02.04
(Oh, and Jack F.? You missed out a " in one of your links, hence the lost consonats. I've put in a mod request that should fix things when it goes through.)
 
 
Nobody's girl
13:46 / 26.02.04
So, life coach. I have a challenge for you. If you can find a direction for my shambles of a life you will have my unending respect.

I'm currently a Further Education college doing 3 Highers (A-levels, kinda) in Social Care, English and Politics. I'm flunking out because my anxiety disorder is making me phobic of attending. I'm seeing a counsellor but I flat out refuse all anti-anxiety/depressants because I'm not quite ready to become another drugged-out zombie. I have flunked out similar courses 3 times in the past so I'm feeling a little bit pressured.

The obvious question is what do I want to do with myself that I need to go to college? Well, see, the only things I know is that I don't ever want to work another dead-end job that leaves me feeling unfulfilled unless I'm studying for something better at the time.

I have no obvious vocation or talent. I love music, have a great ear but no talent at playing and I have real problems reading musical notation.

I enjoy fiction in all its various forms (except Jane fucking Austen) but have never had any real talent for storytelling, though I am a very perceptive analyst of fiction (according to others).

I love film and thanks to my film geek friends I've seen a wide variety of films, but I can't act and would hate to make films, it'd take all the magic out of it.

I not even vaguely artistically talented though I love all forms of art.

I'm very interested in politics and have been told I'd make a good politician by many people (not sure if that's a compliment or not) but I despise all mainstream politics currently in play.

Science is fascinating but I'll never have the mathematical talent to take it very far and besides I recently tried to pick up Biology, the soft science, and found I'd forgotton the large majority of what I'd learned in school.

Social Sciences hold a passing interest for me but the parts I'm interested in are considered a bit outlandish by the mainstream (Leary etc).

I have had many jobs in the area of Social Care (technician in a hospital, personal assistant for disabled, childcare worker) which can be very fulfilling but it pays peanuts, you have to deal with egomaniacal wankers like doctors and the large majority of people who work in Social Care are boring.

Careers I have considered in the past:

At 11 I wanted to be a Vet

At 13 I wanted to be an Astronaut or at least Astronomer

At 16 I was considering Biochemistry and Music Journalism (strange mix, but I was doing well in my science classes)

At 19, in desperation, I was considering Midwifery

Recently, at 24, I have been variously interested in: Zoology (I'm very interested in recently exitinct species), Religious Studies and World Religions, Politics, Social Work (I think I'd be a kick-ass Social Worker because I've been through some really hard times, but it would really depress me after a while), School Teaching (Those who can....) but I still have NO fucking idea. You'd think after 8 years I'd have a clue but I'm stumped.

Now, how can you help me Life Coach?
 
 
ibis the being
14:16 / 26.02.04
I need some life coaching because I can't make friends with girls. I'm thinking this is because I'm too beautiful and smart and other girls are too jealous and intimidated by me. Of course, I have plenty of male admirers. But since my new boyfriend won't let me talk to other men, I would like to make some new girl-friends. Flux, what can I do to make girls like me?
 
 
Matthew Fluxington
16:31 / 26.02.04
Ahhhhhhhh! You people have too many problems! I'll figure them all out, but you've got to be patient.

Apple-Picker, if you want the big easy bucks, you've got to be willing to take some risks and get your hands dirty. Drug dealing is generally a good entrepreneurial activity when you can't count on anyone to hire you. Likewise, selling counterfeit dvds and fake designer clothing on the street is a low-cost/high profit endeavor. Any which way, starting your own business may be the best path for you. It may be rough at first, but it will eventually be rewarding and profitable with my guidance. It's a good idea to buy a gun if you're going to go through with this, though.
 
  

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