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I agreed to watch Theo and Eddie Willis on Saturday night, so maybe Todd could finally get his ashes hawled and stop being such a downer all the time.
Wait, that's a little misleading. Anyway, whatever, Flux took Todd to the Purple Horse on Saturday and I watched the kids, that's what's what's germaine here. I brought Merline over to help out--for those of you who don't remember, Merline is the really hot 15-year-old who lives down the hall from me. (I'm just being frank when I say she's really hot. She is, and that's all there is to it.)
It started off okay. I thought Eddie was going to bawl when his Uncle Todd left without saying goodbye, but the kid held it together (I told you he'd grow a pair eventually, dude) and before long Merline was teaching him these bawdy Trinidadian ditties (he was so into Merline he even forgot to pick his nose--which was a relief, frankly, usually that kid's on a mission up there!). Theo and I played Tonka trunks in the yard but then I got a fucking worm on me, so it was time to go inside.
I made "hangtown fry" omelettes for dinner, which is an omelette with oysters and bacon. It sounds gross, but it's pretty tasty. Merline wouldn't eat it, though, and Eddie started leaning that way himself, so I made a regular Western omelette for them to share before things got out of hand. So far so good. But half-way through my hangtown fry I realized that both Eddie Willis and Theo were eating with their hands!
Fucking gross!
Even Merline had egg-slime and crumbs all over her fingers and on her lip. There was like this big half-chewed mushroom slice just hanging off the edge of her lip. Dude, it was so disgusting, and I started yelling for them to clean up before germs came and made them sick. Theo got a little freaked, I think by the germs, and Eddie started to tear up, and Merline started shouting back at me. I just pushed her a little bit--it was more like I bumped into her on my way to the sink. It was really urgent, okay? I had to hurry.
At this point there was egg grease and botulism all over me, too--I poured Palmolive on my hands and lathered up in the sink and washed out my mouth and face. Then I took the hose from the sink and started spraying down the kids and Merline with hot water and Palmolive. The crazy bastards wouldn't stand still!
"You don't want botulism, trust me!" I tried to say, but I kept choking on the soap. Eddie got a nosebleed.
Long story short, Merline was really pissed. I got the kids cleaned up and put them to bed while she waited in the van. I watched The Hunting Channel for a couple of hours till Flux and Todd got home. They wanted to hang out but I had to get Merline home. When I turned to go, Todd started laughing at me because there was blood all over the seat of my pants. I remember sitting in the kitchen with my head in my hands and feeling it soak through my pants. I thought I'd sat in soap but it must've been Eddie Willis's nose blood.
When I got in the van, Merline was fast asleep against the passenger door. Her mouth was hanging open and I could see her tongue and everything. It was gross but also kind of endearing. I think I might be starting to have feelings for her. |
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