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Justified Ancient:
It seems to me that you're not looking to end your life, you're desperately hoping to find a way to start it.
A brief Google Search ("buckminster fuller suicide") yielded this article/interview, and another here which includes the following snatch of bio:
In 1927, jobless and distraught over the death of his daughter five years earlier, Richard Buckminster Fuller contemplated suicide. Instead of killing himself, he decided to live the rest of his life as an experiment for the benefit of humankind. He re-christened himself "Guinea Pig B" (B stood for Bucky) and set out to change the world."
Fuller was of a scientific bent, so he saw himself as an experiment, and became an engineer/inventor. You could set yourself almost any task, as long as you're prepared to commit, totally, to the same lunatic dedication. You're in Australia, right? There are political and social issues aplenty for you to choose from. Or you can pick up the phone and call Medecins Sans Frontiers. (They have a page for people who want to volunteer. You'll see they want paramedics - you could be one in, what, six months? Otherwise, if you talk to them and find someone sympathetic, you may find that they'll accept you for the simple fact of total committment. But if they do, you cannot back away, even when the bombs start falling. You gave them your life, remember? You lost the right not to risk it when you did that.)
Save some human lives. Beats a kitten. And none of the crap which is getting you down matters a damn in the face of the realities you'll have to deal with. But you'll be dealing with that stuff for a reason, a simple, powerful, excellent reason, which will be around you all the time.
You say it's a boring story you're telling, and in a way you're right. You're so bored and tired of it that you're actually thinking of giving up your life. And you as-good-as admitted you're doing that to make a point to people who've been unkind. To hell with that. Take an alternative like MSF and no one has the right to talk down to you.
Here's the Red Cross homepage, and RSF, Index, and Amnesty Australia to get you started. You could even join and reform the Church of Australia.
You don't have to do anything charitable, even. You can decide to make films, or learn to teach the techniques of Monty Roberts. But whatever you do, do it with everything you have. Do it obsessively, scarily, intemperately. But do it right, and stick to it.
What have you got to lose? |
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