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Chuck Austen On New X-Men For Two Issues

 
  

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Matthew Fluxington
22:33 / 30.11.03
I'd read that.
 
 
Mike-O
00:07 / 01.12.03
FUCKING FINALLY some discussion about chains and chain-related beatings. Bout effing time.
 
 
Suedey! SHOT FOR MEAT!
00:28 / 01.12.03
I really hope they've gotten someone that absolutely no-one has ever heard of.

Other than that: I think that we should actually be privelaged enough to write it by committee. Think of how great that would turn out!!!!

Wolverine: I've got a plank!

Xorn: I am Xorn! I have chains!

Prof. X : Oh look, a fourth wall... ho hum. It's a ceiling.

Scott (thinking): I am secretly Apocalypse! And maybe a little bit gay... (can you have a comic *without* a gay man nowadays? I think not...)

Beast: I've got a great penis. Like a sex god me, aye, dat be troo, innit. (This was deliberated over a lot, but in the end it was thought better to recognise some different regions so as not to offend them - and while beast commented on his mighty penis it was best felt he should mention a sex god. Homage to Grant.)

Beak: Even a carrot can feel pain! (WE decided to "pay homage" to some great moments in x-history)

Wolverine: I've got a big wood, Jeannie. Do you like my plank?

etc.
 
 
bio k9
03:33 / 01.12.03
Wow, I'm really glad some of you aren't writing this book.
 
 
FinderWolf
14:12 / 01.12.03
One issue could be titled "MALICE IN CHAINS"
 
 
LDones
21:57 / 01.12.03
Hahahaha. Ahhh, haha. That was good. Thanks Hunterwolf.
 
 
Owen
22:16 / 01.12.03
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Hunter Wolf is the funniest guy ever!
 
 
bio k9
23:48 / 01.12.03
I don't get it.
 
 
moriarty
01:34 / 02.12.03
I know that this thread has veered away from discussing Chuck Austen, but this review of the latest issue of Uncanny X-Men made my otherwise miserable day fill to the brim with sunshine. Between this and remaking Iceman's body out of piss, Austen has provided me with days worth of entertainment.
 
 
Lynae
02:10 / 09.12.03
Ellis has just announced he's no longer exclusive with DC, so he can't be ruled out. It's actually quite convenient timing for such an announcement, no?

My subscription doesn't run out until a few months after Grant leaves. If my money ends up going toward an Austen comic, I'll probably go on a murderous rampage.

I'm hoping for Joss. Or Gaiman or Ellis.
 
 
Mike-O
04:09 / 09.12.03
I doubt it Damon, he specifically mentioned he had no interest in writing for any other NY based comics publiser aside from DC in that press release...
 
 
Lynae
19:46 / 09.12.03
Hadn't heard that bit. Oops.
 
 
Mike-O
01:53 / 10.12.03
S'all good, bub. He would be a nice prospect, IMHO...
 
 
Warewullf
10:19 / 10.12.03
From that review:
Utterly dreadful. If you like this comic, you are objectively wrong. I can prove it with graphs.

Hah! Love it.
 
 
bigsunnydavros
18:21 / 10.12.03
The idea of Warren Ellis writing New X-Men is just so horribly, horribly wrong... I can tell you exactly what the first few pages of his first issue would be:

Page one - four horizontal panels of equal size. Emma Frost lies in a messy bed beside Scott Summers. She wakes up, stuffs a cigarette in her mouth, and walks over to the window.

Page two - four horizontal panels of equal size. Emma turns to diamond form and the sunlight relfects off of her shiny diamond ass. Scott stirs in bed - "Emma - when did you start smoking so heavily?" She smiles and lights the cigarette - "Shut it you slag."

Page Three - one page splash of Emma Frost's shiny diamond ass.

Pages Four and Five - two page splash of the Mansion. Credits.

The rest of the issue (and also the run) would involve Emma Frost talking in a horrible British accent, smoking a lot, and deciding to get a bit more involved in world politics. In a heavily decompressed style, of course. She would also talk about "truth" and more specifically her "shiny diamond arse of truth" all the time, often for no apparent reason.

The U-Men would come back at some point, only this time they would be obssesed with both kiddy porn and implanting lizards in people's heads. Why? Because it's edgy you fool!

All other characters would loose any personality they previously had and start making interchangable macho quips all the time, and Beast would inexplicably develop a (violent and edgy) cat fetish. He would probably get into all sorts of trouble with the animal rights groups of the world as a result of this, but that's ok - Emma's shiny diamond arse of truth is more than a match for any protestors!
 
 
houdini
18:36 / 10.12.03

Actually, Ellis sent the following to his BadSignal mailing list today:

------------------------------------------------

bad signal
WARREN ELLIS


Since I let you know I'm no longer exclusive to DC, I've
received a zillion emails that all read pretty much the
same. So much so that I suspect collusion among the class.
The basic model reads: "Are you going to take over NEWXMEN
after Grant, and what would you do with it?"

Well, I'm not. And putting in three or four years on any
company-owned book is not exactly my gameplan. Although, you
know, the gameplan is changing all the time. These are weird
days for comics, and I may talk about that soonish. Plus,
well, I've been in the X-Office before, and the idea of all
that continuity and soap-opera and group coordination is just
a nightmare, one I lived through. The time I spent on EXCALIBUR
was one of my least favourite experiences in comics.

As to what I'd do... well. Imagine a big lecture hall full
of mutant kids, tricked out with holographic projectors
creating CG imagery around the speaker -- I've only read a
few of Grant's issues, but let's say it's Emma Frost and
assume he didn't kill her or turn her into a hat and a pipe
or something. Imagine a lecture:


###

You're not different.

The world has spent forty years telling you you're different.
Some of your own teachers have doubtless told you that you're
different, with the best of intentions.

But you are not different.

You are new.

Yes, you are mutants. But so are the Basque people of Spain.
Did you know that?

They have a gene that protects them against heart disease.
It is a gene that no other people have.

That, by definition, makes them mutants.

Do people without that gene go to the Basque region with
pitchforks and torches? Do people seek to outlaw them?

Have people, in fact, designed and constructed giant robots
to hunt and kill the Basque populace?

No.

They are simply part of the human genestream.

The genestream is the human torpedo, fired out of Africa at
the dawn of intelligent life.

Think of it as a contrail, shooting out of the past as
roaring into the future.

It curls around the world, thickening as it gathers pace. The
African human is part of the genestream. The Ainu, the Inuit,
the Caucasian, the Sumerian. The Basque. All of these are
part of the human genestream, powering forward into future time.

And at the front of the genestream is us.

The human warhead of the evolutionary missile.

Some people have called us Homo Superior, which is supposed to
mean superior human, superhuman.

That's crap.

Our genus is in fact Homo Novus. We are, quite simply,
New Humans.

You are not different. You are simply new.

The people who don't like you have a name, too. Neophobes.
Those who fear and hate the new. And I bring good news.

Neophobes die early.

It's true. A recent scientific study shows that neophobes
experience such stress when in the presence of the new that
it signficantly shortens their lifespans.

By hating you, they're killing themselves.

By now, I'm sure most of you have spotted the fatal flaw in
my Basque analogy. The Basques look like every other
standard-issue human on the face of the planet, and you don't.

Many of you, I'm glad to say, do not look like standard-issue
Homo Sapiens. And that, you believe, is why the outside world
does not accept you.

I have good news on that score, too. I'm just a little ray of
sunshine today, aren't I?

All you have to do is look out the window.

Look at your human peers, the teens and twentysomethings.

They're twisting themselves into something other than
standard-issue human.

They're changing themselves, with piercings and brandings,
and implantations and surgeries.

There's a surging body modification movement full of people
sinking feathers into their backs with hooks to make wings,
and splitting their tongues in two, and connecting extra arms
to their nervous systems.

Do you know why they're doing that?

Because they want to be you.

They want to be new humans.

They are testing the absolute boandaries of their own bodies
because they want to become what you are naturally.

There's a word for them, too. Neophiles. People who embrace
the new. And they live longer.

You think you're never going to be accepted? Look out the
window. The current generation of the previous model of human
is cutting itself to bits to try and be mutants.

They want to be you because you break all the rules they
hate just by existing.

Every last one of you is a subversive icon. Every last one of
you is a genetic superstar.

You are the genestream A-list, blasting the world into
the future.

And everywhere you go, you make the world new again.

###

(C) Warren Ellis 2003 All Rights Reserved
 
 
Matthew Fluxington
18:58 / 10.12.03
Wow. In its own way, that's worse than what Big Sunny D imagined (but also sort of the same thing!)

"The New X-Men Lecture Series" by Warren Ellis
 
 
FinderWolf
19:09 / 10.12.03
too bad he didn't mention "her shiny diamond arse of truth"

You know, she hasn't turned to diamond form in a while. Well, not since she got shattered into a million pieces.

But I think "shiny diamond arse of truth" has the potential to become a new Barbelith catchphrase when discussing NEW X-MEN!! Who's with me!!!!
 
 
bigsunnydavros
19:22 / 10.12.03
Having read that Bad Signal piece I officially retire from the wrold of publically taking the piss out of Warren Ellis.

It's pointless - he's just so much better at it than I am...
 
 
diz
19:26 / 10.12.03
Ellis's Homo Novus spiel is more or less what GM has done with NXM anyway - transforming mutants from oppressed minorities into the leading edge of a wave of change. mutants aren't stand-ins for racial or sexual minorities anymore as they are stand-ins for the weird freaky transhumanist neophile youth wave. GM definitely dealt with the whole idea of humans (especially hip young humans) losing the whole humans vs mutants thing and starting to ape mutants, from mutant fashion on the most accessible level to the U-Men on a more extreme level. it's one of the best aspects of NXM.
 
  

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